Did Aliens Abduct the President?

By Peter Bronson

The Cincinnati Enquirer
October 18 1998

Maybe you think Men in Black was just a movie. Maybe you scoff at crop circles, tales of mysteriously mutilated cattle and the "Top Secret" room at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base where crashed aliens are preserved in jars like Lenin at the Kremlin.

Then again, maybe you are in for a Publisher's Clearing House surprise: "You May Already Be an Alien!"

Today's column is brought to you in the spirit of open-minded scientific inquiry -- and a desperate attempt to find something to write about besides Bill and Monica. Besides, it's close to Halloween.

So, what if . . .

Maybe you've seen bright lights in the night sky. Maybe you have lost hours that you can't remember or explain. Maybe you've tossed and turned in a straitjacket nightmare of balloon-headed people with big cat eyes, then climbed out of bed in someone else's pajamas. Welcome to the not-so-distant world of alien abductions.

"A lot of the abductees I deal with are on the edge," said Don Worley, 77, of Connersville, Ind., just a few crop circles across the Ohio border. He should know. "As an investigator-researcher for 33 long years now, I have handled 112 abduction cases," he wrote. "If I don't know what is going on by now, who in God's name would?" Mr. Worley is reluctant to talk on the phone. "You never know who's listening," he said after a burst of static. Hmmm.

But he was kind enough to explain:

•Men in Black: "That movie was a joke. Men in Black is the real thing. They don't seem to be human. They threaten UFO witnesses. These things show up a day or so later at the door to scare the wits out of someone. I know, that's pretty far-out stuff."

•Cat-mutes (mutilated cattle corpses found out West): "They (aliens) have taken tons and tons of cow parts. There's just a big cavity they leave in the cow."

•Abductions: In numerous articles, Mr. Worley has written about cases such as the woman who "wore her Victoria's Secret nightgown to bed, and returned wearing a man's oversized shirt."

Or the man who was abducted and found himself in a space ship, with nothing to offer to tall, gray aliens but a $20 bill. He never saw the money again, but found burned circles in the grass where he'd been standing.

Or the abductee who set off slot-machine jackpots just by walking by.

Mr. Worley warns, "If you disturb street lights, radios, computers or similar devices, you need to find out what is going on in your life." Many abductees are terrorized for life, he said, but some don't know they have been abducted. Implants reprogram them and erase their memories.

Maybe you laugh. Or maybe you're one of them.

Sserious, credentialed academics have interviewed abductees and insist the stories are true.

The Internet is loaded with UFO sites, including an article by 1977 Pulitzer Prize winner John E. Mack, "an M.D. affiliated with Harvard who believes that aliens routinely abduct Midwestern housewives and perform strange experiments on them."

"It appears that we can be "invaded' or taken over," Dr. Mack writes, "if not literally by other creatures, then by some other form of being or consciousness that seems able to do with us what it will for a purpose we cannot yet fathom."

And there's Temple University professor David M. Jacobs, whose book The Threat describes "the systematic and clandestine physiological exploitation, and perhaps alteration, of human beings for the purposes of passing on their genetic capabilities to progeny who will integrate into the human society and, without doubt, control it."

Mr. Worley says it in ordinary, terrestrial, Indiana English: "Quite literally, the aliens are into us like mice in Swiss cheese."

It's not a sci-fi invasion -- it's infiltration, using "halflings" and clones spawned from abducted humans, to enslave us all.

It made me wonder: Are there crop circles in the Rose Garden? Has the president been abducted lately? Is Hillary a "halfling"? Was that tall alien who took the $20 bill actually Al Gore?

"No, the stories are unrelated," Mr. Worley insisted. "Monicagate is just a distraction compared to this story."

Dr. Mack seems to agree: "abductees do not appear to be deluded, confabulating, lying, self-dramatizing or suffering from a clear mental illness."

That appears to rule out the Clintons.

But part of me hopes Mr. Worley is right. We could use a distraction. And if we make contact, I have a request for the aliens:

"If y'all beam up Bill Clinton, don't send him back in someone else's underwear. Just keep him. Thank you." - - - - - - - - - -

Peter Bronson is editorial page editor of The Enquirer. If you have questions or comments, call 768-8301, or write to 312 Elm Street, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202.