One to Ten Again
One…Two
Gonna get you
Three…Four
Knocking at your door
Five…Six
Body unfixed
Seven…Eight
Put hands in fate
Nine…Ten
Had a baby in sin

One, Two
Baby is new
Three, Four
Couldn't love her more
Five, Six
Disease back in the mix
Seven, Eight
Hysterectomy did hate
Nine, Ten
Manic Depression begins

One---Two
My mind torn into
Three---Four
Can't take it anymore
Five---Six
Mind playing tricks
Seven---Eight
Mania my mate
Nine---Ten
Depressed Again


Broken
Soul is broken
Words unspoken
Tears are streaming
Inside I'm screaming
Unending pain
Altered brain
Fading away
Darkness stays
I have fell
Right into hell
Scars shown
Body unknown
Wear a disguise
Feeling unalive
Eyes can't see
Reflection of me




Looking
Pieces of my soul
This is what I see
My mind is TORMENTED
Breaking inside of me
My thoughts wonder
Thoughts you'll never know
Hiding them so well
My INSANITY I don't show
Waking each day
Little laughter and fun
Suppose to be a good mom
Realizing-I'm not ANY ONE
If I was a good mom
I should be alive
Grateful and happy
Not wearing a DISGUISE
Trying so very hard
To fix up my mind
Pick up my shattered soul
ME-I want to FIND



All Me
Decisions of the past
Encircle in my brain
My life holds no meaning
Feeling fear and pain

How do I stop these feelings?
They bundle up inside of me
I should be happy -alive
Something I can't seem to be

I'm a failure to myself
Gave up way to soon
Didn't follow my heart
My young body doomed

Hysterectomy took my hopes
Dreams vanished without a trace
Endometriosis is now gone
Manic Depression took its place

It doesn't matter the reason
The outcome remains the same
Mania or depths of despair
I am still the one to blame!

Image
Inside:
She feels locked in her body and fear is tearing her apart
She can't win her battle and is breaking her own heart

Looking:
She draws/paints her artwork with pencil or paint with perfection
As paint spills onto the canvas, she is giving herself needed attention

Fooling:
Her masterpieces help her by covering her mask so well
Fooling everyone by pretending she's not in her own hell

Outside:
Her blue sparkling eyes have now lost their glow
Trying to remember her from several years ago

Knowing:
She either hears silence or screaming inside of her head
Depression is not new to her, tears will forever be shed

Feeling:
But if you ask her how she's been, this is what she would say
She'll simply give you a somewhat grin and say "ok"

Reflection:
Staring in this mirror, the reflection that I see
The reflection of this girl is ME!

Manic Depression Poetry
Thing
Looking in a mirror
Torment on my face
A disease with no cure
Just another case

Raindrops are my tears
Thunder is my mind
Lightening strikes my soul
Manic depression I find

Deep despair-darkness
Then comes mind games
The rope gets tighter
Disease takes reign

This "thing" has invaded
My merry-go-round mind
Balancing insanity and reality
Answers I want to find

I can't escape this
There is too much pain
Staring at my life
Feeling totally insane

Until the End of Time
It is getting to me
Without a doubt
Ready to detonate        
From the inside…out

Mind is racing
Day after day
Heart throbbing
Please just go away
       
Angst…depression
Conceding…fighting
Mask…..shell
Me….hiding

Wings to fly
Away from here
These shadows
I fear

Hurting loved ones
Who love me
Not knowing it
To blind to see

It finally arrives
Good day at last
Free flowing
No past

Slam into a door
Stopped dead
In my tracks
Imprecise…my head

It is back
Mind can't see
Until the end of time
Depression….me

The Game
Here I am alone
Thinking about the past
Haunting dreams swallow me
My mind races fast

Knowing it wasn't my fault
But how was I to know
Which way to turn
What way to go

I was only a little girl
With just a simple name
My life seemed impossible
Always playing your game

A game I hated
Yet felt I had to play
A tickle here--- a touch there
Nothing could I say

Everyone thought
I was just shy
They didn't realize
My emotional 'why's'

I was only a little girl
With just a simple name
My life seemed impossible
Always playing your game

Life lessons I did learn
I got wiser and I told
Tired of the mind games
Sick of that tight hold

Life's not suppose to be this way
A child shouldn't be scared
Someone should have protected me
Someone should have cared

I was only a little girl
With just a simple name
My life seemed impossible
Until I quit your game

why?
all hope is lost
it is a bitter feeling
umbrage … anger…. frustration
darken mind lost

through fields unknown
obstacles being thrown

every which way
can't dodge them
try hard
somehow i stray

how am i to know
what way to go?

i'm suppose to be
momma
wife
granddaughter
daughter
friend
why can't i see?

i feel worthless
totally helpless

i use to be
dependable… strong
emotional rollercoaster
is now all i see

mind is wondering
no it's smothering

nothing the same
left to worry… wonder
why~ why~ why
am i not the same?

Inner Pain
fear life
the change
nowhere to hide
lock me away

mixed emotions
crowd my thoughts

darkness
there is
no light
in sight

emptiness
strangles me

suffocation continues
so strong

wanting to be free
its hold
too tight
wanting to be alone

no talking...no nothing
exhaustion…emptiness
sorrow
inner pain

no one hears me
my screams
my cries
i crumble
i am gone

Darken Abyss
Darkness, when did you start?
As soon as I as born?
Or when my father left?
Tears of rain
Inside my mind…angry storm

Black as dark shadows
In this bottomless mind
No lights….no tunnels
All seems so lost
Nothing worth to find

My brain is swimming
Trying not to drown
Slowly becoming numb
It goes on….on
My heart just pounds

Who's to know?
Of my pain in the dark
Deep uncontrollable thoughts
Feeling of such dread
At the base of my heart

Tears staining my cheeks
While sliding down my face
Here in my false reality
The pain won't subside
Memories I can't erase

Skin is freezing cold
Soul burnt to the core
Eyes swollen up…red
Body just standing here
My mind becomes no more