Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving with their electronic space families and remembered our hero Bill today (yesterday, as you read this) on the occasion of his fifty second birthday. That's remembered me in your thoughts, since the birthday gifts (and action) were kind of slim this year.

While I may grow older I will never age nor grow up, though I have to say these last six months have been a bit disheartening for young Bill. Besides the "I can't function/remember shit anymore" brain thing (I put my boxers on backward today after my post work out shower, didn't notice till I went to take a piss a little while ago, and no, I just left 'em how they are), the pain in my knees is constant now, to where there's no point in even mentioning it in here any longer, take it as a given, my days of running for pleasure/exercise, which weren't all that long ago, I fear are forever behind me. My traitor knees have gotten to where they're so stiff in the morning when I first get up I have to use the damn hand rails to get down the stairs- Jesus, I know. I can hardly move my right shoulder without it popping like it's full of bubble pack (feels like broken glass), my left hand (the one that bastard DFZ broke for me) hurts like fuck if I type for more than an hour at a time, which I do almost every day, my stomach hurts if I don't eat, it hurts if I do, it hurts if I drink, it hurts if I don't . . . whatever. I still refuse to adhere to the "laws" of physics on your stupid planet, or abide by the limitations of these feeble "bodies" that you wear.

And I do make an effort, I still work out religiously (which means I hate it, but feel obligated), still watch my diet, I eat two pounds of plain yogurt a week, plus lots of brown rice and foil pack (wild caught, stay away from that farmed stuff) salmon, and tuna, and nuts, and raw fruits and vegetables, and I try not to drink more days than I don't. So there.

What did Bill do for his birthday? You're reading it. Discussed with Joe and Laura last week maybe going to Cold Spot tonight with the MC for beer for me and maybe some beer and food for them, but then I didn't pursue it and let it drop, cos I felt more like just sitting here and getting hammered alone- with the exception of all you lovely folk, of course.

I've been very fortunate in my life in a number of ways, one of them being having had some very fine times on my birthday, but I'm not going to reminisce on birthdays past, as that way lies madness and despair.

Like my sixth, preserved for both posterity and eternity on 8 mm film with both of my parents looking impossibly young, great big cake with the pipe cleaner Indian on it, and I can still name you all of the dozen kids that were there (I just can't tell you what I did this morning, probably got up late and took a shit and pulled my underwear up crooked), my parents were always good to me on my birthday, and good to me in general. On a lot of my younger birthdays my Dad (miss him a lot, it was two years ago Friday) would take me and a bunch of my little friends someplace, like bowling a couple years, or for my 11th birthday he took a bunch of us to see The Dirty Dozen, then tried to send us all for candy during the scene where Lee Marvin brings in the hookers for the DD but we weren't having any of that, it was pretty tame but my Dad was still sweating till it was over.

We've already heard about my 17th birthday and its disasterous aftermath, both my birthdays at Marshall were sodden sex laden affairs as well.

Loretta was usually damn good to me too on this day, present wise, but also in other ways (you knew we were going to have to go there), as recently as '97 when we rented a motel room and ended up with the people on both sides of us pounding on the wall asking us to hold it down (and it was LORETTA making all the noise, swear). I won't go into detail here, okay, I will.

As has been mentioned, Loretta was a stripper of no small ability, she had the looks, and she had the moves, and most importantly of all, she had the attitude, she loved doing it, and it showed. One of my favorite routines, which she, uhm, pulled out for me that wondrous night eleven years ago (feels like eleven hundred) was when she'd strip out of this conservative business suit, underneath which she had on a black corset and garter belt and stockings, which eventually came off as well. It was just smoking hot, and would wind her up as much as it did me (which is what resulted in her disturbing the neighbors). They say that clothes make the man, well, they do the woman as well and I'm telling you guys, you dress them up wild and they're going to act wild, take my word for it.

(I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GOING TO DO THIS COS THIS WAY LAY MADNESS AND DESPAIR?)

Yeah, well I'm already crazy and I'm already despodent, so where's the harm?

I've accused myself in here before of romanticizing both Loretta herself, and our sex life, how she couldn't possibly have been built as fine as I remember her being, and the sex wasn't really that insanely great like I picture it now. But then every single time I go back and look at one of our sex tapes, like say, fifteen minutes ago, fuck me running, yes, she really was built that damn fine, and yes, the sex really was that great. That sound you hear is my dick crying.

Since I still- marginally- have enough integrity not to post B&L sex tape clips on here, and Loretta made off with all the still photos, for those of you who didn't know her back in the day and want to know what I'm crying over, one of the many reasons I always liked Nancy Sullivan/Benoit (RIP) was that in her earliest incarnation as Fallen Angel in CWF in the mid-80's she looked, body-wise, exactly like Loretta did at that time, and facially there was a resemblance as well. There's a photo on the KM site (I'll hook you up, Joe) of Mike Rotundo, grinning like a chimpanzee and justifiably so, standing between Susan Fox (another certified cock hardener) and Fallen Angel, where FA's body looks so much like my ex-wife's did then it's . . . well, right now, its heart breaking, is what it is.

Moving on-

(SALIENT IDEA)

Salient?

(SALIENT)

- okay, there were other good birthdays as well, like in '83, when Loretta and Doug threw me a surprise party at his old apartment in Roxalana Hills (and I was actually surprised), or '88- dear Lord, it can't have been twenty years ago- when Kat and Beverly and Geri Sandoval took me up to the Empty Glass for beer and wings, Geri ate so damn many wings, cavewoman like- it was scary the way she attacked them- that the stack of bones piled on the table in front of her looked like something you'd find outside an ogre's cave or something, and where she uttered the immortal line (done in full McDowell County hillbilly twang, and at a moment when all the noise in the Glass momentarily subsided so eveyone in the joint heard her) "Sometimes when I fuck real hard my hip goes out", or even 2004 when a lot of us met at the Cold Spot, and when it closed, a couple, as in two of us, went to that place next door to it, though sadly, a number of the people there that night are no longer a part of my life, some through hard feelings (on their part), others just drifted away . . .

All things considered I got no reason to complain tonight, and I won't. I was blessed at birth with a body and mind most can only envy, and even though I've tried to destroy both over the years through alcohol and violence, you find me another 52 year old freak of fucking nature to match what I see in the mirror every morning- or sometime afternoon, since I often don't get out of bed before noon- and I'll kiss your ass be it smooth or hairy.

Oh yeah, and Chris Shultz doesn't count.

Also been blessed by having good parents, two daughters I couldn't be prouder of, and the best friends any freak of fucking nature motherfucker could possibly have. All in all, been a good 52, 38 more to go (if you can believe what a gypsy said, and I do).

What's Bill been up to?

Rachel was in all last week, and a good week we had, went over to Rosa's Saturday before last, we watched the new Hulk with her and Chris and you know what? It didn't suck. Amazing, I know. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad, either. Still don't like the video game look of the Hulk, or the Abomination for that matter (and he's not the real Abomination without those big goofy fin ears, sorry) but I'm not really sure what can be done about it, I did like the Tim Roth as super soldier (stand in for Captain America) fight with the Hulk a lot, and as a rental, I'd actually recommend it.

Went to Tina's for Thanksgiving and had a very nice one, good food, and then we could just go home when we were ready, sweet.

What's Bill been reading?

Some more Sandman graphic novels- I keep trying but I just don't get it, why this series is held in such high critical regard, some of the Sandman books I've read are good, sure, but not fucking great or anything, and then some of them are just pretentious muck-

(MAYBE CRITICS LIKE PRETENTIOUS MUCK)

- I'm pretty sure they do, that must be it, also Superman, The Third Kryptonian, it was okay, and Batman Grendel which was a little better, though I'm not a big fan of Matt Wagner's art.

Also a collection of S.M. Stirling's SF short stories, good, and 47 Rules For Highly Effective Bank Robbers by Troy Cook, also good (although I dispute some of his rules, and I was pretty damn effective myself), and Batman Unauthorized, a collection of essays about, duh, Batman.

By the way, DFZ Vs. The Zombie Sluglords is out, you can get it through the internet, but if you get it through me I'll give you a better price than list ($12.99) and I'll get more money out of it besides. We both win. I'll have Joe put an ad on the site as soon as I get my copies (they're on the way). Oh yeah, and I'm almost out of my copies of Johnny Boy, only got a few left, so if you want one, better get it soon.

What's Bill watching? Well, first, since I forgot to do mail bag earlier, to the not one, but two readers who wrote in agreeing that yes, that clip of the Vogues doing 5 O'Clock World was indeed the coolest thing ever, you must have very good taste, but then I already knew that, since you read the Bill Bitner NL and I don't even know you.

Anyway, more you.tube- and no, I'm not in love with it as someone suggested, I'm in love with old wrestling and music and crazy ass TV, and you.tube is merely a vehicle for me to access it, I have no use at all for any of the dirt stupid home video shit on there.

I neglected wrestling last time so as soon as you get done reading this check out Bob Backlund vs. Masked Superstar, two of Bill's all time faves, in fact they're my favorite face and heel respectively, ever, 8/17/83, MSG, for Backlund's WWF title. Pro wrestling doesn't get any better than this. Also look for the Canadian documentaries on Tiger Jeet Singh and Abdullah the Butcher, especially the latter, where bloodthirsty monster Abdullah, the Madman from the Sudan, who I always found legit scary as hell, tears up talking about his mother. It TOTALLY destroys his gimmick, but it's kind of touching, seriously.

For music, check out Hawkwind, found a neat clip of "Angels Of Death" which I love (song and clip), also found some clips with Stacia (their hot- and TALL- onstage dancer/stripper) where she sort of sways in a stoned out manner, haven't found any where she actually sheds her clothing- but I'm still looking. Man, it must have been SO much fun to be in Hawkwind, get buzzed literally out of your mind, then sing about all this crazy SF stuff while playing the same three chords all night at 120 decibels. till you and the crowd are totally tranced out, while this six foot tall amazon takes off all her clothes. I also found a Hawkwind documentary, haven't watched it yet. But I will.

What's Bill drinking? Rolling Rock, drank 15 last night, that leaves 19 for tonight. Also got a couple LaBatts Blue 24 oz. cans in the fridge if the Rolling Rock isn't enough- it is my birthday, after all. I bought a bunch of them some time since last NL cos they were only .99 at Kroger- that's more like it, Sierra Nevada- kind of disappointed in them though, I like LB in bottles quite a bit, not so good in cans, but then again these cans are all banged up and dented which may explan why the beer inside isn't as good as it could be.

(MIGHT ALSO EXPLAIN THE .99 PER)

Good point. Bought ten, drank eight one night last week, leaving the aforementioned two. Should be enough, but if not I got some WT 101 in reserve. You know what, fuck reserve, I think I'll have a shot- or two- right now. And I just did. Good. Did I mention it's my birthday?

Time for DFZ world, and I swear to God I'm beginning to feel like Bruce Wayne to his Batman, he's the real person and I'm just the beard he hides behind. And did I just say last issue that we only had a couple matches left this year? Who the fuck was I kidding? Beside the two matches since last issue (more later), DFZ is in Hinton this Thursday for Championship Wrestling of WV, Friday at Ayash as noted last issue, Saturday in Logan, Ohio for a new (for DFZ) fed, Pride Wrestling Alliance, their man event heel got hurt last weekend (sports hernia, ouch) so they want DFZ to come in and take his spot, main event title match his first appearence, I can do that, especailly since I'm going over (and the money's crazy good), then, depending on whether I get the company I'm hoping for Saturday after the matches, if so I'll still be fucking at noon, which would be a good thing, I could use a big dose of Vitamin P- if not, it's back down to Bud WV by noon for CW television taping, which will be anywhere from 2-4 matches depending on how many other fools show up, but Brian's guaranteed all DFZ will have to do is 2-3 minute TV squashes.

You may recall last issue DFZ was off to Buckhannon (and I was worried about the draw, fuck, we sold the place out again, and DFZ again had his cheering section of 10-12 college age guys, none of whom I've ever seen before in my life, but they obviously have exceptional taste as they all love DFZ's cheating ass)-

(IT'S MY CHAIR-ISMA)

-must be, anyway, went there to to straighten out the hotshot (hotshots are guys who won't listen in the ring, by the way, try to take over and run the match) cowboy from hell. Turned out easily to be my most unpleasant experinece yet in the wonderful work of pro wrestling. Suspense killer though it may be, let me assure you, boys and girls, DFZ was last man standing. But it was fucking rough, and if I'd known what I was getting into before hand, honestly, I'd have stayed the fuck home.

Cowboy Cody shows up and he's a dick from the minute he walks in the locker room, rude to fucking everyone. He's also about 6'3" and 275 legit, aka big as fuck, and he's brought three of his wrestling buddies along with him even though they weren't booked and didn't work. I think somehow he got word the straightening out was on and he wasn't thrilled about it.

I avoided him till it was time for Brian to give us the finish (had no interest in making nice with the motherfucker, saw no reason to get the shit started any sooner than it was going to anyway), which Cody didn't like, and actually I don't blame him, DFZ over clean, I've never seen a heel go over clean in a bullrope match, sort of an insult to CC, as I'm sure it was intended. As soon as Brian walks off CC starts telling me all the stuff he's going to do in the ring, including changing the finish. At that point I realize there's no sense in even talking to him, so I just tell him, "the finish stays, we'll call the rest out there" and walked off.

Brian came to me at intermission (we were semi-main, right under him)-

Brian: I think he's going to try and shoot the finish on you. 
Bill: I know he is. 
Brian: Fuck it, I'll toss him and we'll get- 
Bill: I got him.

Actually, I wasn't at all sure that I had him, but what could I say? I mean, I'm Death Falcon fucking Zero, for fuck's sake. I'd rather get beat than back down (though my first choice is neither).

In all the books and movies, you stand up to the bully and he backs down. Wish this had been a book or movie. First part of the match this big son of a bitch is just pounding me, includng a couple times with the cowbell, not so hard I can swear he's shooting, but way harder than was necessary. And it fucking hurts. It's when I go to start the heat that we have real problems, every time I cut him off he comes right back. Well, fuck this. I manage to get behind him, loop the rope around his throat, and put the choke on for real.

I've got him good, down on the mat, behind him with my legs locked around his waist and that rope killer tight around his throat. He's going nowhere, except maybe to hell, which is where I should have sent him, but no . . .

I loosen up a little on the rope, ask him "You gonna work now, or what?", "Work," he wheezes, "work", so I let up on the rope some more, at this point he's on the mat on his hands and knees, I'm on his back crouched over him- and he throws an elbow up under my chin, oh man, FUCK HIM.

It snaps my head back (my neck is STILL sore from it), I see nothing but white light, then stars, and then I'm on the mat and he's going around touching the four turnbuckles (how you win a bullrope match). Now, here's where I put myself over, and I don't care, its not that often I do something I'm truly proud of.

I could have just laid there on the mat, yeah, he was going to beat me legit and take my belt, but fuck it, it's just some wrestling belt I can get back at any time, plus he was twice my size and half my age, took me by surprise when I (stupidly) tried to cut him a break, no shame in just laying down, that elbow would have put out many a fucker.

Instead, I asked myself "what would Batman do" (seriously), got up off the mat and took that fucking cowbell to his head (I was only kidding last issue, funny how things work out sometimes). I only remember hitting him once, but Brian told me the other day I hit him 5-6 times. Weird. Anyway, however many times, I hit him HARD, it flattened that fucking cowbell- and the metal was not that thin- CC goes down- and stays down- spurting blood from a huge hard way gash between his eyes, and DFZ hits all four turnbuckles- actually, I hit six and would have hit who knows how many more if the ref stopped me- that elbow rocked my world, no shit.

I was concerned his buddies might have some shit for me when I got to the locker room but no, neither did he when he came back, blood all over, went straight to the shower, got cleaned up, then dressed and left. So it's cool, I won in a shoot, although I still got the piss pounded out of me, but you know, if I wanted to fight, I'd fight, wrestling is supposed to be a work. Not sure if I straightened old hotshot CC out either, Brain said he was still acting the dick when he saw him this weekend in TN, but Brian also said that when he asked CC, ribbing him, "How'd you like working with DFZ", that CC said "That old motherfucker brings it."

That may be the highest compliment I've ever been paid. But I still hate the son of a bitch and will never work him again.

"The DeathStars are a great old school tag team that got so much heat they had to lock the back doors because the fans were trying to get in though the back doors to fight them." Some guy from some wrestling internet site that Mike sent me.

Was pretty disgusted after Buckhannon with the whole wrestling deal, and questioning even staying in it, but then had a match this past Saturday that put it all back in pespective and again made me realize why I love this shit so much. The Deathstars beat Shane Storm, representing Team GAY (JC didn't show) in Parkersburg to take the MWA tag belts- I'm going to have to get a bigger gear bag to carry all this gold, seriously.

It was just fun, start to finish, (man, I wish the Brainwrap guys had been at this show) the DS pounded on Shane for over 15 minutes while he gamely tried to fight back, about half way through he gigged and hit a gusher, his quote in the back was "I'm gonna gig my face off" and he pretty much did, when guys gig and just get a trickle some marks say, ah that's fake, but when a guy's face is completely red, his shirt is saturated, and there are puddles of blood all over the mat and on the floor, the marks go, fuck's sake, that real.

The crowd went NUTS, these two big pricks beating up this poor scrawny homosexual- and I'll be the first to say Shane made the match, he bumped his ass off, sold like crazy, bled like a stuck pig- and we just wouldn't stop, my favorite part was when I gnawed on Shane's head, then spit his blood onto this fat ass bitch with no bra in the front row and she almost had a coronary. We got crazy heat, incensed rednecks really were trying to get into the locker room at us, some of them waited in the parking lot for us for almost an hour.

(WE'D HAVE WRECKED THEM)

Yeah, for real. See, THATS fun, putting on a show where everybody is friends and nobody gets hurt (Shane loved the match too), and the crowd fucking buys it. The only problem is this match is getting so much internet buzz- Mike sent me a bunch of quotes from fans who were at the show, since I won't register to get on these sites, might put some of them in here in a minute- he's wanting to strike while the fans are hot, and has booked two shows for the Pavilion this month, the 13th and the 27th. So much for a quiet December.

Okay, I'm going to pull some of the stuff Mike sent (all misspellings and poor grammer belong to the original posters), then probably turn in, got two more Rollng Rock to go . . .

"Is Shane Storm okay? He and the ring were both coverd in blood after the match and it looked like he was really hurt".

"Shane Storm got the crap beat out of him last night for real and it wasn't cool."

"the deathstars looked like they were really beating the shit out of shane.people were ready to kill deth falcon and jock sampson.they were waiting for them in the parkng lot to fight them."

"The Deathstars did a good job last night of putting themselves over as the "most hated" in Parkersburg". (sounds like a worker there)

"yeah honestly, I was really scared for Shane and I still am. They were right in front of me and DFZ hit Shane so hard blood got my shirt. Does anyone know if Shane is okay?"

And so on and so on. You can fool all of the people some of the time . . .

The Rolling Rock is done and so am I. And this issue. Happy birthday to me.

Love your friend and love your neighbor 
Love your life and love your labor 
It's never to late to change your mind

And if you believe that one . . .

Later

Bill

Holy shit. LYZ.

(SHE REALLY MEANT A LOT TO YOU, DIDN'T SHE?)

I don't recall ever saying that, but I'm telling you, it's this bad brain thing, again, I just fucking forgot till just now. Fuck, its a good excuse for Joe to run some more naked women at the tag end on the site, and next issue, I SWEAR.