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12/21/10 Kaiju No Kurisumasu
"Learn from other people's mistakes. You may not live long enough to learn from your own" Kano Jigoro "I will not surrender at this wise and tender age" Don Williams Hey Good for you, Don. I have no intention of surrendering at this stupid and gristly age myself. (I'D SAY YOU'RE MORE GNARLY THAN GRISTLY) You think? (SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T LIKE IT MUCH) I meant- nevermind. This stupid and gnarly age, then. Throttling a very strong dog in the manger impulse (barely) I'm going to go ahead and get it out of the way and say that I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday season- this issue's title means "Godzilla is coming to stomp your fucking ass flat for Christmas" or something like that in Japanese- festive bunch, those Japs- and are looking forward to a most excellent Christmas. I will see neither Sarah or Rachel for Christmas this year (Rachel was unable to come in for her visit last week due to the weather) for the first time in either of their lives though I will be taking my Mom up to Lori's, what Sig so aptly calls "the road trip from hell". My only hope for the season is that it, like any execution, is over quickly. (SHUT UP AND DIE LIKE AN AVIATOR) Trenchant advice. Would that I could. Been a lot of mail bag response to what was the impending disappearence, however briefly, of the NL from the ether waves but Joe has found a new spot to dump it (if you haven't found it already I'll include it with next issue, it's too hard to get to right now for reasons we'll discuss soon) as some of you have already discovered, with the result here's another one (just one?!) of those kiss King Billy Bitner's ass fan letters I love to get and share with you. This reader, who assures me she's female then for some reason also adds she's married (hey, do I tell you my troubles? okay, yes, but what makes you think I'm interested in yours?) says she "so looks forward" to each NL as she finds them (and me) (AND ME) "bright, witty, perceptive, outrageous-" (DO TELL. PLEASE GO ON) "-self-effacing, hilarious and occasionally quite moving".
She did, didn't she? Well, thank you anyway and here's to many more years of your reading pleasure- any other pleasure being out of my hands, you being you know, married and all that. (What, did you think I was going to project myself across the ether waves at you?) How about I let you people in on a secret? I hate, Hate, FUCKING HATE computers and the multi-damned virus infested internet. The good news- moved my computer upstairs from that freezing dungeon downstairs to the room I sleep in- I refuse to call it my room as in no way do I feel like it's mine- and got a new flat screen monitor to replace the immense dinosaur of a monitor Joe gave me sometime back in the Jurassic Age. I like it a lot, the heat and light up here have been very conducive to writing although this flat screen has gotten me back into watching those old home movies I really don't need to be watchng but- holy shit. Up close and personal and in hi-def- almost like being there again. The bad news? It was only up here a couple days when I got yet another one of those vile interenet virus contaminants- what kind of shit ass would get any kind of pleasure in starting one of those things? I shut it down so I could get it to Joe so he could clean it out for the hundredth (at least) time but it still pisses me off huge cos I was watching you.tube at the time and since last virus which wasn't long ago at all I've avoided any site that looks even remotely sketchy. I hook up the old computer I keep here as back up (I really should keep about six) and promptly spill a beer into the keyboard (yeah, I'm back drinking, or was, pretty hard) which once I clean things up had fucked this computer up (Joe figured out I have to unplug the keyboard when I turn it on cos the computer can't recognize this beer soaked thing I type on as a keyboard anymore). Okay, (although a little damn beer shouldn't fuck anything up). This computer is SO fucking slow my Mom could both outrun and out think it- seven minutes to load Hotmail cos I timed it- but it will do until Joe- who had to both pick up and drop off my new computer cos I was also having some car trouble- I know, man, I know, 'tis the fucking season- got the new one cleaned out. Which he does and I get it back last Thursday, once again, thank you very much Joe for services rendered on my behalf. Haven't had the fucker hooked back up twenty minutes- NOT TWENTY MINUTES- all I did was check my mail and go to a website- the Magazine of F & SF which is pretty damn reputable, it's not like Big Tits On Demand (which I admit I have bookmarked) and that fucking virus thing pops back up. You know that big noise you heard Thursday evening that you thought was a plane crash? That was me. To digress just a moment- haven't been sleeping worth a fuck- more later- but I was asleep early the other am, 4-ish when I awake to- you know the foghorn like sound the Martian tripods made in War of the Worlds? It sounded exactly like that. I figured, okay, I was dreaming, I've awakened to some pretty bizarre (mostly in my head) sounds over the years, but lying there stone cold awake I HEARD IT AGAIN. Seriously. I have no idea what it was. (MARTIANS?) Maybe. But if so they had sense enough not to attack. Back to the computer- I unhooked the new computer and have been back on the old one since (which is why if you've e-mailed me since then you have not received a reply cos this fucker is SO slow it makes me even crazier to even try and also I've been avoiding the internet with it till now cos I'm drunk and don't give a fuck), I guess I'll bring the re-virused one to yoga tomorrow (which is at the library Jean, I also got your message about bringing bolsters) if Joe will even bother with it again, if he doesn't want to I'd understand but I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING WRONG. (YOU MEAN OTHER THAN DRAWING BREATH?) My Mom. Dear God. She can't even answer the phone right half the time anymore- Rachel called a little while ago, my Mom answers and HOLDING THE PHONE ABOUT TWO FEET FROM HER HOLLOW OLD SKULL (her wearing her hearing aids is already a thing of the past) goes "Hello, hello . . . there's no one there" I can hear Rachel all the way from where I'm sitting going "Grandma Dot hand the phone to Dad!" I'm going "Hand me the phone" so of course she hangs up. "There was no one there" she says. Yeah, I hate how those damn phones just ring for no reason. Both the girls have told me in the past week, "Grandma Dot doesn't even make any sense any more" and both of my sisters have taken her Christmas shopping in the past two weeks and have come back all flustered, "She's CRAZY", hell, they haven't seen anything, try taking her ass to Kroger (which they both refuse to do). Been absolutely nothing doing at the scrapyard lately. I actually got a nice Christmas bonus today which considering I do fuck all- (WITH A SHITTY ATTITUDE) -was a surprise. It was a good hunting year for Ronnie "if its got hair I'll kill it" Gibson, he got four deer. Bill: You get a deer this weekend Ronnie? Ronnie came in today- we had one customer, one more than I expected- (OR WANTED I BET) - quiet you, it was a guy who graduated ahead of me in '72, I recognized his name, asked him how his younger brother Tony- who graduated in '76 and who I hoisted an underage beer with on occasion back in the day, nice kid- was doing. He told me Tony had a stroke four months ago, was on life support for five days, is now in a wheelchair where he'll spend the rest of hs life. At 52. Fuck. (THANK GOD WE'RE FREAKS OF FUCKING NATURE) I do every day, big man. Every day. Anyway, Ronnie comes in and tells Nancy one of the tenants is complaining cos there's a big pothole right at the entrance to their parking lot. Nancy tells Ronnie to do something about it. Ronnie: What do you want me to do Nancy? I can't shit blacktop.
Ronnie leaves shaking his head and muttering to himself, to go outside and call Nancy from his cell phone. N: Hello. Cooper is still doing well- I get asked about him a lot in the mail bag and yes I'll try soon to get a photo of him to Joe- and he really is a very intelligent and well behaved dog but honest to God, if you're not like Lynda Carter's tongue I really don't want you up my ass. And those dang little girls who don't seem to realize they're not that little any more chased me down on Saturday afternoon- "Wait, Cooper's Dad, wait, we want to see Cooper"- and - jeez. They're too damn adorable for both my and their good- (I JUST WANT TO PICK THEM UP AND POP THEM IN MY MOUTH) -boy howdy, and all kidding aside I wish they'd just leave me alone (please, I'm serious). Cooper's Dad. A new study shows attractive parents tend to have more daughters than their homlier counterparts. I thought everyone already knew that. In other news, they say John Travolta is gay. Danny told me that six years ago and said it was no secret. I guess not anymore.
And lastly in our scary headlines section, an eight foot long bull shark was caught way the hell up the Potomac River in September. Fuck that shit. On a lighter note, I got drunk on the moon last night. (REALLY? HOW WAS IT?) Good booze, no atmosphere. Since we're on drinking, Bill went seven weeks sober before getting back on the beer at the CL Cold Spot on his birthday (we had a lovely time by the way, or at least I did, MC all in attendance as well as Charlie's girlfriend Andrea who gave me a wonderful neck and back massage, drink did flow- Newcastle Brown pitchers by the dozen- though no blood did spill, Joe and Laura bought a couple giant wing platters for the table, Chris and Deb got me a Kingdom Come Superman figure- sweet- and Joe got me a wireless connector thing even though I already had one and didn't know it because it didn't bite me on the ass and say I'm a wrirelss connector thing). Missed Loretta doing the sex bomb thing for Bill's birthday- pretty sure I always will- but what are you going to do? I was pretty disappointed I didn't feel any better from it (we're back to the sobriety now). I obviously wasn't hung over but my head didn't clear anywhere near as much as I'd hoped and as mentioned last issue a lot of nagging physical pains I wasn't aware of while pickled became (too damn) noticeable. As for sleeping, forget it. Once again the insomnia is terrible but now when I sleep- I don't know what's up but even when I do sleep I'm thrashing like a motherfucker got a crocodile in his kayak, broke a fucking bed slat a few weeks ago- not knocked it loose, broke it. In my "sleep". Loretta and I broke a couple in our time, once on a bed not ours, she was embarrassed, I was boasting about it, "Sorry we uhm, BROKE YOUR BED last night". And I don't know how many times I've woken up cold in the past few weeks to find my bed covers all over the damn room. What's Bill drinking? Well after going off the wagon I went in the other direction, go figure- two sober days in two weeks and some unpleasant experiences in public so after Danny's Christmas party last Wednesday I decided to go back off the drink until New Years' Eve at Joe and Laura's which I am looking forward to immensely, my resolve lasted all of four days, had just a TERRIBLE day today dealing with my Mom which I won't go into cos one its not entertaining in the least and two I don't want to relive it in print, debated while at the store going back on the hard stuff but I really didn't feel like beer so I compromised and got just a 750 mil of vodka and am drinking vodka and cranberry tonght but the vodka's almost gone- the cranberry is holding up quite nicely- and I don't feel nearly calm enough. No nearly so. I save my pain meds strictly for pain anymore and even then there are never enough so it's down to, do something half way or go back out, neither one of which is optimal.
Silver Fiz Juice of half a lemon Shake with ice and strain into highball glass over two ice cubes. Fill with carbonated water and stir. Silver Stallion Fiz 1 scoop vanilla ice cream Shake ice cream and gin with ice and strain into highball glass. Fill with carbonated water and stir. If you drink either one of these in front of me and keep it down I will give you five dollars, swear to God. Unless you're Sandra Lee, then all bets are off. "I got no experience with this many games losing" Terrell "Yoda" Owens What's Bill been reading? Lots but I'm just going to mention one tonight, maybe I didn't need that second bottle of vodka after all- check that, I did- Flesh Wounds by John Lawton, generic title but the book is quite good, British crime novel set in 1959 London. I'm a big fan of that droll Brit style of writing and this is a fine example of it. As for Bill's writing, Thing is at the printers- why don't you show them the cover Joe- the art for Hunters is done and I truly wish I could show it to you cos it's fucking great, it looks more and more like the Chiller's comic book is going to happen, Balsa is starting work on "Free To Good Home" for issue #2- I've seen a rough of Balsa's photo novello and it's excellent (yours truly looks fucking badass), the real thing should be out not long after the first of the year. Also went ahead and quit talking about it and reserved a room at his parent's resort on the Adriatic- the room is FREE we just have to get there- for June so it looks like Bill is finally going to make it to Montenegro this summer. Can't wait.
What's Bill been watching? Got some movies from Joe, Q the Winged Serpent which I have fond memories of first watching with my Dad in Martinsburg summer of '83, he only part watching it, getting disgusted- "This movie is stupid and that damn monster looks like something you'd dream up", well yeah- and going off to the kitchen to make himself a ketchup sandwich (true). Also Valhalla Rising which Laura hated so naturally I liked it, it's got pagan death matches and Crusader Vikings and Indians, it's crazy violent and I couldn't make sense of it to save my life, what's not to like? I'm going to bring some films to the New Year's Eve do but it's hard for me to find movies I think Laura will watch. I don't want to say she has horrible taste in movies- (WANT ME TO?) -I'll just say her tastes and mine are very divergent. Anyway I'm bringing a couple lesbian vampire movies, a Chinese hopping vampires vs cyborgs movie from Hong Kong (they make the best Chinese hoppng vampire vs. cyborg movies), and an art film- Aguirre, The Wrath of God by Werner Herzog, starring Klaus Kinski. Watched Kwaidan the other night, a Kurosawa anthology film from '65, Japanese ghost stories, not all that creepy but an absolutely gorgeous film, I'm not that arty- farty of a guy but this film is totally amazing simply for it's look. While I'm thinking about it Joe why don't you rent a couple 80's Japanese films I somehow missed, Akira (the anime) and Tetsuo, the Iron Man. Danke. Went over to Mike and Sig's for another excellent dinner last Saturday, Mister Bulky in attendance though characteristically late. Afterward we watched My Dinner with Jimi, very entertaining film about the Turtles (the band) and their trip to London where they met among others John Lennon, total arrogant prick and Jimi Hendrix, very cool until Howard Kaylan vomited scotch and coke (ick), brandy, a creamy spinach omelet and some chips with vinegar all over his nice velvet suit. Hey, maybe that could be the menu for the next time I'm over for dinner. Then again, maybe not. Also watched Words With Teeth a two hour documentary about Harlan Ellison whose crazed curmudgeon act is flat out hilarious on film, in person you'd probably kill him inside of ten minutes. And Jesus has he gotten old. DFZ is still planning on going back to Mexico in February, just waiting for a date. DeathStars 2.0 beat the Urban Death Squad- shoulda been a death match, I know- for the MSWA tag team belts 12/4 as part of a brutal five match (for us) tag team gauntlet to also become #1 contenders for the XMCW tag belts which we're going after at the Action Sports Complex Friday 1/7/11 (went out for beers after at BWW in Cross Lanes, I drank 4 free almost birthday Bass Ales and our waitress was a total bitch). The XMCW champs? Adrenaline X. Talk about not winning for losing, those guys damn near killed me the last time I wrestled them. I almost killed them as well, it just didn't seem to bother them as much. Painful though it's sure to be at least it'll be a much better match than when DS 2.0 defend the MWA belts in DFZ's last match of 2010 12/30 in Parkersburg against- jeez- The Hillbillies for the billionth damn time. There's about a quarter of bottle #2 left but I'm tired- up at 7:15 after little sleep and no nap this afternoon- and while I don't have to work per se tomorrow it is Kroger Day and I'll need all my strength to hold myself back from the (with apologies to Sabu) homicidal/suicidal/genocidal rampage that trip always wants to bring on. Plus got yoga (with bolsters) tomorrow night. Your final comments for this issue? (ALWAYS FINISH A TECHNIQUE BY KICKING YOUR OPPONENT IN THE HEAD) I do. (I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, I WAS TALKING TO THEM) Good enough. See you all for our ninth annual New Years Eve edition and then it's the start of our- no, I honestly don't believe it either - tenth year. Later Bill
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Also saw where a guy was pulled from his kayak and eaten by a
crocodile in the Congo. He may have been a nice guy but I'm pretty
sure kayaking in the Congo comes under the heading of asking for it.
And since the first of the month five swimmers have been attacked by
sharks at one Egyptian beach, the last one a German tourist on the
10th who was fatally mauled. The sharks are believed to be oceanic
whitetips who NEVER come anywhere near land- oceanic, hello. Old Vic
Hislop predicted with how we're overfishing the oceans deep water
sharks would start moving closer to shore simply looking for
something to eat and was labeled a crazy ass alarmist. Yeah, well .
. . 
I went back out. Fuck it. And me. 
I have three- count 'em, three- short stories waiting to be
published but I know how this shit goes, I'm going to wait until
they are- or ar least until I get paid- before putting the info in
here. Been putting in a lot of time at the old writiing desk lately-
problem with having it upstairs though is every five minutes my Mom
is coming in here, "I know you're trying to write and you asked me
not to bother you, but some crazy ass bla dee bla bullshit", right
now in between cranking out more Chillers shorts I'm combining two
old fomerly unconnected novellas, "Magic Deathtrap" and "Dead Tribe"
into one zombie novel, everyone is all aflutter over the success of
Walking Dead, Rhonda sent me an e-mail on my birthday saying if I
could get her a zombie novel in the next few months she was pretty
sure she could sell it for me. Can't hurt and it keeps me off the
streets if not off the drink. 