This way to a cowboy's breakfast

Hey

Here we go with the eighth- fucking unbelievable- New Year's Eve edition of the one and only Bill Bitner newsletter (cos there's only one Bill Bitner).

First, let me thank all of you who sent your best wishes and prayers regarding Sarah. Her final tally of injuries are pretty extensive. . . multiple skull fractures, four spinal fractues, three in her neck, one in her upper back, a broken jaw, a broken nose, many busted teeth (won't know how many till her jaw heals), and about forty stitches in her face. For all that, she still easily takes the title off of Bill as Luckiest Bitner Car Crash Survivor (Tina was a worthy contender for a while there, as well) and may well be in contention as one of the luckiest people on earth. It was just a horrific crash, and for all her injuries, she suffered no permanent damage. No brain or spinal cord injury, the most painful injury is her jawbone which was actually shattered, they had to insert a plate and some screws, it will be wired shut for 2-4 weeks, she's in a cervical collar for a month, but all things considered, I've seen people in bike wrecks look worse than she does now . . . people throw the word miracle around pretty casually, but I think it might apply here.

She came home Sunday, she's requiring some care- pain meds every four hours, oxycodone liquid which is some good shit- uh, that's what I heard anyway, from like, some guy- ear drops twice a day (she still has a lot of dried blood impacted in her ears, affecting her hearing and driving us all nuts, she has an appointment Friday to get it cleaned out), scrub her facial wounds and apply ointment twice a day, puree all her meals, always have to be present with the wire cutters, if she should happen to throw up with her jaws wired shut she could easily aspirate it and do a (Hendrix, Scott, Bonham, you pick), but I'm telling you, she's still a lot less trouble than my Mom.

Sarah's lying on the couch this afternoon, not feeling well (go figure) and just wanting to be left alone.

Bill's mom: Sarah, do you want something to drink? 
Sarah: No. 
BM: Do you want some Gatorade? 
S: No. 
BM: Your Daddy can put some ice in it for you. 
S: I don't want anything to drink, thank you, grandma. 
BM: Do you want a milkshake? 
S: No. 
BM: Your Daddy can make it for you. 
S: I'm fine. 
BM: There's still some raspberry stuff in there. I think. Bill, look and see if there's any raspberry- 
Bill: I will not. 
BM: What? 
Bill: SHE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DRINK!

We do a variation of this at least five times a day. It's like living with fucking Sam I Am. "She doesn't want it here or there, she doesn't want it anywhere. Now, SHUT UP!"

Loretta was in all last week, got along fine with her through all this, it gets easier each time, as I've said, it helps immensely that she no longer makes our weiner stiff (it would be very hard, not to mention difficult, to interact with her as ex's if I still wanted to fuck her), and she's certainly civil enough but again she's no one I really know, the sweet, passionate Loretta of our shared youth having been usurped by cold, sort of dull Loretta, if that's down to what you people call "maturing" I'm glad I'm having no part of it. Not that I think I had a choice.

Haven't done much in the week since last issue except what's been noted above, so I think I'll FINALLY address Scarefest Lyz, although it's not that exciting, nary an ejaculation in sight. And this doesn't mean you have to drop the NL nudes, Joe, that last one was really nice (couldn't listen to NL "Go Now" cos for some reason my speakers quit working, you can check them out when you're here later today- and I got this itch I can't reach . . . ).

Got a nice computer Christmas card from Lyz by the way, I've heard from her a number of times since Scarefest, I also got an unexpected e-mail from Candy a few months back, asking me why I wasn't at the Whatever Fest in Kansas City (they got some crazy little women there) like I told her I would be? I don't recall KC ever being mentioned during our encounter, nor do I remember giving Candy my e-mail address, but I was kind of distracted. At least I didn't tell her to meet me in St. Louie.

(LOUIE).

Anyway, as we all recall, Bill was sitting at a table at the Scarefest VIP do, with Brian and Ashley, Big Boy (aka Mister Floatie) and his date, and Bigger Boy, who was on my left, and he WAS a bigger boy, if Floatie went 300 pounds this guy was 400, easy. Bigger Boy wasn't complaining about the meager eats as much as Floatie, but he wasn't happy either, he'd gone back for a second helping of mousse (or dish of puddin', depending on your perspective) and had been rebuffed, he was sitting there looking sort of forlornly at his licked clean mousse cup, when Bill got an idea.

I've mentioned that short, slinky black dresses with the tops slit so that their tits were all falling out seemed to be the uniform that first day, and there were about half a dozen women so dressed walking around the VIP do looking for a seat (along with not enough food, they didn't have enough chairs). I noticed this one redhead who was sort of milling around close to our table, she wasn't as jaw droppingly stunning as that Valkyrie I mentioned- that girl was science fiction, serious- but she was cute, and she was close. So I told Bigger Boy-

Bill: You can have my mousse if you want it.

He looked at the beers stacked in front of me.

B: You have to go up and get it yourself. 
BB: Will they let me have it? 
B: I'm a fucking VIP. If I say you can have it, you can have it. 
BB: THANKS.

I'm surprised he didn't add "feets do yo stuff", cos he was out of that seat like lightning headed for the mousse bar . . . while Bill stood up and got Red's attention and, pointing to BB's vacant seat, asked-

B: Would you like to sit here?

Well, yes, in fact, she would. BB came back a minute later with another mousse- I told you I was a VIP- looked at what was now in his seat, already deeply in conversation with yours truly, and had sense enough to just pick up his bag of Scarefest ephemera that he'd left by his chair and go eat his mousse standing.

Turns out Red's name was Lyz- not really, but we'll get to that- and the card she handed me- lot of card handing out went on there- said she was a makeup artist and actress. Cool. She was nice, I liked her, she seemed to like me, she actually asked me before I could ask her if I'd like to get together later for a drink, I said sure, then Candy showed up and I excused myself.

Post-Candy (and I did post Candy) I looked Lyz back up at the rapidly faltering do, and we decided to go to some bar she knew. Brian was back, having taken Ashley back to the motel, he wanted to come along, I didn't give a shit, he promised not to "cock block" me, whatever the fuck that means, I assume it was a good thing.

First bar we went to was a way crowded college type place, Brian sagely noted, "This is the kind of bar me and you could get into trouble in," and I agreed, we left after a couple of drinks- gentleman that I am, I bought Lyz's, she was drinking White Russians- and went to a much better, less crowded place. It looks like thngs are going well between Bill and Lyz so Brian leaves- we'd walked to the bars- driving back to the motel, which was three miles from downtown, either I'd get a ride from Lyz tonight, one way or another, or I'd walk back.

So Lyz and I sat in that bar until it closed (and after, as she knew the owner), she drinking White Russians and Bill drinking shots and beers, and she told me a bunch of personal stuff which I won't repeat here, including her real name, which isn't Lyz, and which I can't repeat here, cos I don't remember it, comes time to go and I try to get her to take me home with her (yeah, I know my dick already smelled good, but as far as I'm concerned it can never smell too good), she's not buying, her reasoning being "I really like you and would like to see you again, if I fuck you tonight you'll have already gotten what you want and you'll just go home to Charleston and never come back" which is one way to look at it, my counter reasoning was "We could have sex tonight and I could love it so much I'd be back here all the time." Her reasoning unfortunately won out, but she did give me a (car) ride back to the motel (and we got in some nice kissy face by way of sayng good night).

I saw her again Saturday and Sunday night, and its crazy how fast things can change, Sunday night she was real hammered and wanting me to go home with her-

Lyz: You'll be good to me, right? 
Bill: Uhm, define good.

-but by that point I realized she was looking for a lot more than I was, a boyfriend, basically, which was way more commitment than I could offer her, I was just looking for a roll in the hay. But to what I consider my credit, I didn't lead her on and screw her under false pretenses.

(GOOD FOR YOU)

Yeah, really. Well, some of the stuff she told me, she'd been shit on enough, I didn't want to add to it.

I heard from her a lot right after I came back, she wanted me to come down for the premier of the movie she was in, Hellaphone (ZPI), but DFZ was working that night, I was also going to stop in and see her when I came through to be in another ZPI film, Dead Moon Rising 2, but either I got told wrong at Scarefest or I was real drunk (duh), or both, but I thought I was going to Lexington for an actual part, turns out it was to Louisville as a extra, not to be a prima donna, but fuck that.

I don't know how to send e-Christmas cards (don't want to learn, either) so I just replied to her with a regular e-mail wishing her a Merry Christmas. Which is where it stands as of now.

Gonna wrap up, not that late but I'm beat, gotta give Sarah her 2 am meds (and me, mine) and then try to get some sleep (before the 6 am meds are due), going to go see The Spirit tomorrow while Rosa stays with Sarah, then we're having NYE MC here in the Wrath Cellar. Should be fun.

Check out the link to the DFZ book on the site, I'll talk about it at length next issue, till then, be fucking careful. And Happy New Year.

Later

Bill

DFZ