12/4/09

Cowboy Change Your Ways

Hey

Well, here we are deep in the heart of the "holiday season", that time of year that makes Bill wants to pound a stake through his own wretched heart, another Thanksgiving and birthday in the archives, and another NL about to go there as well.

Not a lot of recent action in the mail bag, but to the literal minder goober who questioned "watchful copper eyes" in last issue, they didn't HAVE copper colored eyes, the guys were cops, watching us. Jeez.

What's Bill been doing? Same old rut. That's rut as in my neck swells up and I get super horny (and my antlers get sore and eventually fall off), not as in the same old grind. Which I'm in as well.

To try and put the past few weeks adventures in some kind of sequence, couple Wednesdays ago Danny and I met Kat, Beverly and Sharon at the Bridge Street Bistro to see Jim and some guy who's WAY too full of himself work out on their acoustic guitars. It was nice to see everyone and hear Jim play, the food looked good and the beer- ah dammit, some kind of draft IPA, I can't remember the name- was great, but even so the BSB is not Bill's kind of place at all- Danny's either for that matter. What that place needs is a good bar clearing brawl and I think DFZ is just the man for the job, except I'm not willing to spend time in the sneezer with him once he gets it done. Still, I so wanted to go snatch up one of those BSB dicks and go, I got your stuffed shirt right here, motherfucker- I'm gonna stuff it with your fucking snob ass.

Danny and I met a couple nice young ladies there though, Jennifer and Katie, I made a good first impression on Jennifer by buying her drinks- which, since Danny was buying mine, went on his tab as well. Later when he got the bill, "What the fuck are you DOING TO ME here?!" he goes. Fuck it. He knew I was a Death Falcon when he picked me up.

After the Bistro the four of us went to super redneck bar Blackhawks and had a good, late night. Jennifer is a pretty girl, at least I think so, Danny took a good photo of us together last night on Jennifer's phone, maybe I can get her to send it to me and then you can judge for yourself, as well as being a lot of fun to go out with. Very bright, knows her movies and music . . . good company for an ill natured freak of fucking nature, for as long as it lasts.

Rachel came in the following weekend, always good to see my baby, we took my Mom to Lori's that Friday, had a MC at Joe and Laura's that Saturday where she shook up her father by throwing back a shot of Wild Turkey 101 in these neat- started to say cool, that would be redundant- ice shot glasses Joe made, just like- well, just like her father. Had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with the Moore's that Sunday, then Rachie went back- ha, I started to say to school. She went back to Concord.

Had that whole week off from the scrapyard, so after drinking excessively Monday and Tuesday at the wonderfully, gloriously empty house, Wednesday Ron and Joe and I were going to try and take in an afternoon movie (before going out drinking) but that fell through. I went over to BAM and had a nice visit with Jennifer (she works in the coffee place there) before Ron met me and we went to the Cross Lanes Cold Spot which still has their great beer selection, hurrah. Joe and Rosa joined us there and we drank almost $80 worth of black and tans which Joe picked up the tab for. Thanks Joe!

(DANNY COULD LEARN A LOT FROM HIM)

Couldn't he though. May as well take it with a smile cos it's gonna happen anyway.

Rachie wasn't coming up for Thanksgiving cos she had to be at work at 7 am Friday (I am SO sick of the phrase Black Friday)- I think I said last issue she's working at the Border's calendar kiosk in the Bluefield Mall, if I neglected to, she is- so I picked up Shane Storm and we went up and had Thanksgiving dinner with Jock and his mom. How gobsmacked would the front row of the Pavilion be to see mortal enemies the Deathstars and half of Team GAY sitting down together at Thanksgiving just like the lions and homosexual lamb.

(PROBABLY ABOUT AS GOBSMACKED AS THEY ALREADY ARE. COS I DON'T THINK THAT BUNCH COULD POSSIBLY BE ANY MORE GOBSMACKED)

I think you're right. We had a very nice dinner, Bill ate about two pounds of turkey and some carrot and celery sticks, then finished up with a big slice of chocolate cream pie and an even bigger hunk of cherry cheesecake.

(YOU KNOW, CHEESECAKE WOULD MAKE GOOD PUSSY)

Excuse me? You did not just say-

(OF COURSE NOT. BUT IT WOULD. SEE, THINK ABOUT HOW-)

I refuse to. Dear God.

Mike showed up, unannounced not to mention uninvited, and we then went over to Jock's girlfriend's place to stay up till 3 am drinking beer (Yuengling for Bill) and watching MWA DVDs Mike had with him, putting our own matches over and calling everyone else on the card pieces of shit.

Saturday we loaded up the Vangina with Bill, Rosa, Ron, Mark, Mark's son Steven, and his girlfriend Rachel to head to Parkersburg for DeathStars Vs. AX, Round Infinity. Julia and her son Matthew met us there.

"This is the Death Falcon. Don't look in his eyes." Mark introducing Rachel to me.

Rough match, those AX kids are crazy. DFZ took a big body slam outside the ring on that fucking concrete floor, instead of laying me down the fucker full out threw me, torquing me at the same time so I came down on my right hip/ass cheek which caused my right leg to go completely numb for about a minute. His receipt, when I could stand up again, was an exploder out on that same concrete floor. Crazy bastard took it with a smile, which took a lot of the fun out of it for me.

During the four man outside the ring brawl Jock and Maximus had the genius idea to fight into the bathroom where Jock would gig. Might have worked out okay if they hadn't gone in THE LADIES BATHROOM resulting in some six year old little girl rocketing out of there in hysterics, no doubt traumatized for life. Yes, it is funny as fuck, but if it results in our losing the building, Bill, for one, won't be laughing. And neither will Jock and Max.

After the matches we went to the Northside Tavern for, you'll never believe this, some beer, got the Something Red, even got a big jug of it to go, how cool, and what a nice ride back in the Vangina, passing the jug. My hip was pretty sore then, it's better now, but over the past few days I've developed this huge knot in my right ass cheek, you can laugh if you want but it's really fucking sore, feels like I'm sitting on a baseball.

Sunday night Danny and I are supposed to do this podcast (some promo stuff arranged, for once, through Bill instead of Danny) live at 10 pm, I show up at Danny's around 8 already buzzed- we're going to call in together on his cell and land lines- and piss him off even further by drinking from then till 10.

Bill: Dude, I can talk my ass off about myself drunk or sober.
Danny: Yeah, but it's not PROFESSIONAL.
B: Maybe not for you . . .

We do the show, goes great, couple real nice guys doing the interview who've really done their homework, they know Danny's work, both of them have read Sluglords and Monster and ask some surprisingly cogent questions, told us at the end this was their most listened to podcast ever (they've had Troma guy Lloyd Kaufman and other semi-famous exploitation guys on, can't remember their names, getting to the point I can barely remember mine), I'm like, so what are we talking, dozens, they come back with, no dude, thousands, which was definitely reflected in Amazon sales of both Monster and Sluglords this week. Fucking DEAL.

You know, I'm constantly amazed by people who say they envy me, which happens more than you might imagine, in person and through this thing. Honest . . . it may look good from the outside, but from this side it ain't exactly the greatest. Although I will admit it's not the worst, either . . .

A weird thing happened in Kroger on my birthday. My mother just HAS to shop on Tuesdays so she can get her 5% off and every fucking geezer in Cross Lanes, yours truly included has to do the same so not only is that damn hellhole crowded as shit, it's crowded as shit with a bunch of aged numbfucks who don't know enough to even get out of their own fucking way. Or mine. Fuck me, do I hate Kroger on Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm standing in the beer aisle just looking at what they got, and "Ghost Riders In The Sky" comes on the store music playing thing- I don't think it's a radio. GRITS was one of my Dad's favorite songs (and yeah, that's where this issue's title comes from, I'm not really a cowboy- much- and I have no intention of changing my futile and destructive ways so I guess when the time comes I'll be tryin' to catch the Devil's herd across them endless skies, can't say I wasn't warned) so that started me thinking about my Dad, of whom I have nothing but wonderful if crazy memories (he passed three years ago last Monday, TIME, Jesus) and whom I'm not ashamed to admit I miss terribly, and about birthdays past and where I am in my life right now- this is where the don't envy me shit came into my head- and I guess I was feeling kind of sad and sorry for my sad and sorry ass, cos the next thing I know all this water starts coming out of my eyes. Like, buckets

I guess they were tears, even though I wasn't crying per se, I just have all this water coming out the front of my head, and I can't get it to stop. In the middle of fucking Kroger. To make it even better up walks this young girl who works there.

Young girl who works there: Are you okay?
Bill: Fine. I like to poke myself in the eyes every now and then. Keeps me mean.

She gives me a funny look and goes to walk away, which was what I wanted, then stops.

Ygwwt: You look awfully familiar.

She looked a little familiar to me as well, but I didn't say anything.

Ygwwt: Do you wrestle?

Now I'm thinking, oh fuck, she's some rat- wait, sorry for the rather offensive terminology, some female wrestling fan- I don't remember who's probably got a beef about something (they all do, it seems like). Then it gets even better.

Ygwwt: Don't you live out Harmon's Creek?

Now it's oh fuck, please don't tell me I took this girl home and don't even remember it.

Bill: Used to.
Ygwwt: Aren't you Rachel's Dad?

NOW it's OH FUCK, I took some friend of Rachel's home, please Jesus-

Ygwwt: I'm Brittany, I used to go to school with Rachel. I came out and spent the night once when you guys lived out Harmon's Creek.

She was just some kid who'd gone to school with Rachel. I'm sure all of you heard my sigh of relief no matter where you may have been.

(THAT'S WHAT A GUILTY CONSCIENCE WILL GET YA)

You're one to talk. So, next time I talk to Rachel I need to tell her Brittany said hello.

And yeah, all of you out there are right, this "poor Bill" shit is both pathetic and ridiculous. I'm blessed, both in my life and in myself. God gave me this mega-genius IQ and then housed it in this brick hard body that's seemingly impervious to harm, resulting in a superhuman engine of destruction that-

(THANK GOD HE MADE YOU LAZY AS FUCK AS WELL OR WHO KNOWS THE TROUBLE YOU MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN UP TO)

Thank God, indeed.

So, we're up to Bill's birthday. Felt like going out for the first time in years so the MC met again at Cross Lanes Cold Spot, where Chris and Deb gave me a card with the lovely sentiment, "The beer should be cold/And also, you're old. The end", chokes me up every time I think of it. Again, lots of drinking of black and tans in the company of my dear, dear friends who paid for it all. Thanks, guys.

Still not done, Danny and I went up to the Boulevard Tavern last night- used to be The Levee in another time- nice place, draft pints of PBR for $2.25, and a super cute, super sweet bartender for the first hour we were there, supposed to meet K,B and S there but they went to the Bistro first to eat and got held up. I thought we all agreed back in the day, BCFF? Jennifer and Katie showed up around I don't know, 9 maybe, Danny was wanting to go to Schaar's (where he could get some help buying my day after birthday beers) so we four went over there, closed the place down and just had a great, GREAT time. Mister Bulky and Joe Ng showed up, everybody in the fucking bar bought me a birthday beer, I had them stacked up four deep in front of me all night, to go on top of all the PBR we drank at BT, Katie tore a bunch of songs up for real- it was Karaoke night- Danny and I sang "I Got You Babe" and yes, of course I made him take the Cher part, had a pretty girl at my side all night- did I say I had a great time? Cos I did.

The Internet Tries To Make Friends With Bill. I figured out (all by myself, everyone prepare for a rain of mutant squid) how to get on the Internet and access the Kanawha County Library catalog and reserve books. To you that may be nothing but for me it was akin to climbing Everest. Backwards and upside down. So I went crazy (go figure) and reserved as many books at one time as they would let me (20) and they all got sent to the Cross Lanes Library in like three days and now I have this GREAT HUGE stack of cool books next to my bed and I'm about as content as I ever get.

So, what's Bill been reading? Bunch of stuff- duh- one on The Modern Solar System cos I like to stay curent in the space arena- although Pluto is still a planet where I live- the text is fine but I'm mostly in love with the photos and drawings, for some reason representations of the planets have always fascinated me. I've always been drawn to spheres, maybe that's why I like breasts so much, I don't know, as well as bright colors, combine the two and- I could just sit and look at this book for hours. And have.

Also- don't feel like listing everything by title, 7 graphic novels, the best one a collection of Neal Adams great art- love to have him draw DFZ- two decent horror anthologies, a thriller anthology that was also okay but nothing special, but at 800 pages kept me occupied at the scrapyard for a couple days, some movie magazines- Screem, Shock Cinema, and a Brit mag I've never seen before, Cinema Retro ("the essential guide to 60's and 70's movies"), really good, especially a 10 page never before published interview with Lee Marvin from 1974. Lee Marvin. 1974. Beauty.

Also again, Brian Logan has written a book about his career, poorly as it turns out- I think my favorite is when he talks about this far away place, Ten Buck Two- but he does speak well of the DFZ in it.

What's Bill been watching?

Found this great clip of Godzilla a while back, showed it to Joe the last time he was out here. I'm not normally a CGI guy but this Godzilla looks incredible. And there are about ten seconds of this clip that are fall out of your chair hilarious.

Have you seen this Dr. Oz character? I was running the channels the other day looking for the Andy Griffith show cos I knew it had to be on somewhere (I was right) and came across Dr. O. One of those ubiquitous TV self help pukes who happens to look just like Dee Dee Ramone. Swear. I'd love to hear him give advice- "Well, first you score some fucking heroin-"

Also saw this commercial the other day where this guys goes, "I'm an IT engineer. I'm sure glad I don't have a mundane job!". Sent me rolling across the floor laughing (actually I was already rolling across the floor, this part just made me laugh). Holy FUCK. What in the name of France would an IT Engineer consider mundane?

(I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T WE ASK JOE?)

Is that what he does?

(SOMETHING LIKE THAT, I THINK. WHEN HE'S NOT TRYING TO FIX SHIT WE BROKE).

Oh. Well let's ask him sometime then.

I'm a Trouble Man
Stay out of my way

What's Bill been listening to?

Not a lot, been out a lot, but since last issue, Felt (1)- got skipped when I was in the F's- Rory Gallagher (3), Marvin Gaye (1), Genesis (3)- Peter Gabriel Genesis, not Phil Collins- Gerry and the Pacemakers (1), Gin Blossoms (1).

Julia gave me a CD of her brother's band Black Hole Zion on my birthday, like it tons, gonna wait and give it a review all its own. And use one of its song title for a NL title.

What's Bill drinking?

Well, beer. Go figure. Twelve Yuengling done, on the second big Labatt as I type this. It's a scrapyard day tomorrow, already know I'm gonna HATE getting up in the morning, but I hate getting up every morning. Getting up in the afternoon is so much better. Probably should sort of take the foot off the gas as far as the recent alcohol consumption goes, cos it's pretty much been full speed ahead. Tomorrow.

Flipping back to the mail bag for a minute, got a letter recently from a guy wanting to get into pro wrestling-

(TELL HIM "DON'T!!!!! DOOOOOOONNNN'TTT!!!!!")

I did, but he was also asking about gear, and asked what DFZ wears. I appreciate that he at least wants to look like a pro instead of a yardtard, so, badlife, while you don't want to straight copy DFZ's look-

(DOESN'T MATTER, HE COULD NEVER COPY MY STYLE)

-too true, anyway, from the bottom up, skin out, two pair of tube socks, white, pro style wrestling boots, black, Asics gel style kneepads, black, jock strap- I hate the damn things but if you're gonna be flinging yourself around in a wrestling ring you need your junk cinched in tight, white, Underarmour compression shorts, black, amateur- Logan calls this "armature" in his book- style wrestling singlet, black, DFZ mask, black silver and red. There you go. So little, yet it says so much.

Got some wrestling obits, some of these go back a ways but I just never got around to putting them in here.

Starting local, Ward Wilson, probably the best ref in the state. I last saw him when Brian ran those two shows in Hinton about this time last year. Ward was a hell of a nice guy, I liked him a lot, hadn't reffed in a while cos he said he was getting too old, came back and reffed a match with Kris King in it back in September, came to the back out of breath, was talking to Kris about again being too old for this shit, walked off, dropped dead of a heart attack two minutes later. He was forty seven.

(WELL, FORTY SEVEN IS TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT)

And fifty three's not?

(DUDE, I'M ONLY NINE)

Good point. So in thirty seven years we better quit this shit.

(SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT)

Also Carl- somebody, who worked as Dark Shadow, and who had sensibly retired, not that I guess it helped much, also dropped dead of a heart attack in October. He was fifty nine. I only met him the one time when he worked the undercard on Bobby's night of champions back in '03, but he also seemed like a very nice guy, and was well thought of in the biz.

Down Mexico way (where DFZ is still March bound) a couple minis, La Parkita and Espectrito died when the tranny hookers they brought back to their hotel room drugged their drinks with eye drops in order to rob them- no, I'm not making this up as I go along- and apparently didn't factor in that these guys were midgets and dosed them too much. Midget wrestlers poisoned/murdered by transvestite prostitutes. Have I mentioned I can't fucking wait to go to Mexico?

In a real world obit, RIP to Ed Woodward, he was Breaker Morant in the very excellent Breaker Morant as well as The Equalizer on TV and apparently a very cool guy in real life.

Things are going crazy well with this tempermental computer Cee U Next Tuesday, so I think I'm going to bail while all's well.

(MAYBE YOU'VE FINALLY TAMED THE BITCH)

Yeah. Last time I thought that . . .

Strange how you never become
The person you see when you're young

Later

Bill