11/26/11

The Librarian And The Barbarian

Lips like sugar
Sugar kisses

Hey

Let me start off by saying I hope all of you had an excellent Thanksgiving, though if you've ever even once called it Turkey Day be aware you and I are mortal enemies.

So- a new record for time between newsletters, well over three full months, going on four in fact. Apologies to those of you who have been e-mailing me during this time to little to no avail.

(SO WHAT'S NEW ABOUT THAT?)

Nothing, really.

It's kind of amusing, those of you who have been speculating as to why Bill has been absent from the ether net for so long a time. I appeciate those of you who have expressed concern that I might be ill, no, I'm healthier than I've been in years actually. As for those of you who have asked in all apparent seriousness if I've been in jail (funny)- no, but thanks for thinking I may have gone (back) criminal. I've just been spending very little time here at the homestead (or vertical for that matter) and next to no time on the Internet. Why? Only one person out of many got the answer right until the past week or so when I started getting these very confusing e-mails about the new NL.

What new NL, I ask myself? Haven't done one since early August. Then we were over at Rosa's for MC last weekend and Chris mentioned it and Rosa brought it up on her computer and once again kudos to Joe, it's pretty fucking hilarious. And accurate.

Bill fell in love. I know, I can hardly believe it my own damn self.

She's a beautiful, blue-eyed blond, a fellow Sagittarian who'll be 42 in December making her a lucky 13 years younger than our hero, built crazy great, 5'5", a size 6, 36DD, smarter than hell, sweeter than fuck-

(YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR HALLMARK. DOES SHE LIKE PINA COLADAS? AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN?)

-pina coladas yes, rain not so much. She has great taste in movies and old televison and at least currently men and is pretty much everything I was looking for and didn't think existed. Compatible? With BILL? Not on this planet, or in this dimension, or in this era, or so I thought. Goes to show what I know.

Her name is Anne, formerly known in these pages as Main Librarian. I've been pursuing her since February when first our eyes locked across a crowded circulation desk, we've been a couple for 100 days as of last Tuesday- yes, I've kept track in that non-deliberate obsessive way that I do, and no I won't tell you what we did to commemorate the anniversary other than to say it involved the number 100 and to once again express my profuse thanks at being born a FOFN. As did she. I seduced her through the tried and true Bitner method of pissing her the fuck off which somehow makes them realize they can't live without you- I'm being serious. I'd say try it yourself but I think it only works for me. Which is only fair since so many things that work for you people, like "technology", don't work for me. (By the way Joe, I broke the trunk lid on my car, I'll be by sometime tomorrow, okay?)

It's been fucking wonderful. Aline was in for three weeks or so in late August, early September, then my Mom went to South Carolina for four weeks plus (I went and got her the end of October, alas), so I wasn't tied down here to the house as per usual, didn't sleep or shower alone in close to a month and a half.

(NOW THAT MA'S HOME, WHO'LL SOAP OUR BACK?)

It's not our back getting soaped I'm going to miss.

(ROGER THAT)

Not that I'm missing all that much- still spending Wednesday nights and weekends with her.

Bill's all alone today, though, so it's just me and you kids.

(AND BABY MAKES THREE)

Neither of my girls made it in for Thanksgiving (won't for Christmas either, which does not make me even one tiny bit happy). Sarah is doing very well, Rachel not so much and that's all I really want to say about it right now. My Mom went to Tina's for Thanksgiving dinner- I had an invite there, also back up to Jock's where I've spent the past two Thanksgivngs, didn't feel like going either place, stayed here and ate nothing all day, drank a bottle of WT 101 (cheesy I know but everyone should have turkey on Thanksgiving) and 17 Yuengling between noon and midnight and didn't get nearly the buzz all that alcohol deserved. Dammit.

Part of it was that I thought I was going to have far more of a reprieve than I did. Tommy picked my Mom up at 1 pm, had her back here by 4 pm.

Bill: What the fuck Tom, you guys just left!
Tom: She was bugging the hell out of everyone. We couldn't take it anymore.
Bill: No shit, Sherlock, that's what she does. And thanks for nothing.
Tom: Sorry. Can I buy you some more beer to make it up to you?
Bill: It won't begin to make it up. But yes, buy the beer.

Thought about spending yesterday electronically with the Blizzard's, checked out that camera in the iguana room when I started drinking at noon, there was only some old Burl Ives looking guy in a green shirt I didn't recognize- not Joe, some older more Burl Ives looking-y guy, not that Joe particularly looks like Burl Ives (sings like him though and you should see him go on the fucking banjo, hot damn, and yodel- when Joe yodels you'd swear Burl has come back from the fucking grave) so I clicked off and then got distracted trying to drink my mother out of my life and when next I clicked on it was all over and the room was dark. Oh well. And by the way I think you're crazy to have a camera in your house where Bill can watch what you're doing. It fucking gives me the creeps and I AM Bill.

No worries about the NL getting dull, I'll continue to lead an eventful life though maybe lacking in some of the sturm und drang of previous years- I for one don't miss it- but you have to know Bill won't spend a lot of time sitting on his ass- unless, you know I'm reading or writing or drinking or watching an old Tracy and Hepburn movie with a sexy woman in my lap.

Still at the scrapyard, although no longer cutting grass it now being almost damn winter, the scrap business still dead slow. Ronnie still goofy as fuck but a lot more self aware than I'd imagined. I was pissed off at Nancy and Phil a month or so ago, after Nancy left Ronnie jumped in with what a shitty place it was to work- yes and no, I don't work, I get paid to read so it's a bit much to also complain, Ronnie doesn't work all that hard either but for being there close to 25 years he does get raped in salary- low- and benefits- none.

So once again I asked him, if they treat you so bad here Ron why the fuck do you stay?

Ronnie: I can't work in the public world Rambo, cos I'm crazy.
Bill: I knew that. I had no idea you knew that.
Ronnie: I need a job like this where I can work off to myself. I can't talk to people normal like.
Bill: It's a wise man who knows himself.
Ronnie: Is that smart talk?
Bill: Not this time.
Ronnie: Okay, then.

Ronnie also told a joke since last issue. He went at this joke like a chimpanzeee trying to kill a snake with a rock but this is eventually what he got out.

Ronnie: How do you know you're eating a gay hot dog?
Bill: How?
Ronnie: It tastes shitty.

(IT'S A SHAME VAUDEVILLE'S DEAD)

Isn't it though?

He's also been complaining lately about getting "the hinky pink", (I have no idea what that might be and am afraid to ask), first time I said nothing cos I had to go in the other room so he wouldn't see or hear me laughing, last time I told him-

Bill: I think they have something for that now, Ron
Ronnie: Really?
B: Yeah, they keep it with the feminine products.
R: Now that's smart talk AND I KNOW IT.
B: Busted.

My mom has to have cataract surgery next week- complicated cos she's waited TWO YEARS since they've been telling her it needs done, had her there to get it scheduled and the eye guy is shining light in her eyes and the cataracts are so thick the light won't go through, he says to her "Do you realize you're technically blind?", why the fuck not, she's already deaf and crazy- which I'm dreading far more than she is.

In fact this surgery is what set me off on Phil and Nancy, for the past three months (four times in all) when I've needed off on a Monday or Friday Phil has worked for me but refused to trade days with me which is what we've always done in the past which means I lose a day's work (or reading if you will). He hasn't needed any days switched during this time so I've been unable to repay the favor. So when I needed next Monday the 28th off to take my mom for her pre-surgery registration it was the same deal, which set Bill off.

Phil had called Nancy to tell he'd cover but not trade and when she told me-

Bill: I'll be fucking damned.
Nancy: What?
B: I said I'LL BE FUCKING DAMNED. I won't take the day off, Tina can get off her ass and take my mom to her appointment (which she is, under pain of death).
N: Why are you so mad?
B: Cos I'm sick of this fucking bullshit of losing days. You need to tell Phil we need to go back to trading days.
N: Why do you think I should get involved?
B: Oh, I don't know, maybe COS YOU'RE THE FUCKING BOSS?!
N: If Phil doesn't want to trade days with you he doesn't have to.
B: Fine. If the son of a bitch ever wants to trade days with me again he's shit out of luck. I'll work his days but I won't give up one of mine.
N: That's only fair.

Yeah, right. When push comes to shove let's see what she says. And if she says I have to trade days I'll tell her "You see this ass going out the door? It's mine, kiss it."

(YOU DON'T SEEM VERY MELLOW THERE LOVER BOY)

First off, I hate the fucking word "mellow" and you know it. Second, just because I've found true love doesn't mean I'm not still a pissy ass son of a bitch.

(THANK GOD. YOU HAD ME WORRIED)

Really? Well fuck you and your worry. And the horse it rode in on.

(MUSIC TO MY EARS)

If there's ever been an uglier person in the history of the universe than Steven Tyler I have no idea who it could be.

(WHERE'D THAT COME FROM? AND YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR LOOKS)

I'm not making fun. I'm just saying he is one damn hideous motherfucker. Cos he is.

And whle I'm pissing on people the Food Guy in the Daily Mail may be a nice guy (although his photo in the paper makes me want to beat him up and take his lunch money) but he's a shitty as hell writer. He used "foodie" "veggie" "munchies" and "nosh", four horrendous non-words any one of which would have gotten him fired from my paper IN THE SAME FUCKING SENTENCE a few weeks ago. Does no one edit these things? Or is just that no one beside me fucking cares?

(JESUS, ALL RIGHT ALREADY. YOU'RE STILL A PISSY ASS, I BELIEVE YOU)

Not going to try and recount my last three months, we'll just take up from here in the next NL-

(COMING SOON!)

-whatever, we have one obituary, Dickie Petersen who played bass and sang for Blue Cheer, died a couple years ago actually but I just got the word the other day. They may have played "Summertime Blues" louder than us but I guarantee you they never played it faster. Wait, two, saw today where Andrea True died a few weeks ago, her name takes me back mega-strongly to my Marshall days of rooming with Dear Gay Steve who played the FUCK out of that damn "More, More, More" till I took it off the turntable one drunken afternoon and sailed it out the window and halfway to Venus (we were on the fifteenth floor).

Not going to try and recap DFZ's past three months either, I'm still loving those Mexican tights though (and mask, thank God, one I can finally breathe in), had a good time with a bunch of kids at the Kanawha County Fair who kept misreading them and being mocked by us for it till one of them shouted "Go home with those pants!", funny, trying to cut back but not doing a real good job of it, last month the DeathStars 2.0 won their fifth (Unleashed Wrestling Alliance, defeating the World Wrestling Warriors- where do they get these names?) and sixth (Xtreme Wrestling Entertainment defeating Pretty in Pink) tag belts. But I did pass on going back to Mexico this fall.

In some bad- check that, in some fucking terrible wrestling news Shawn Day of the Day brothers- he's the one taking the pin in the DeathStars Pin video- a good wrestler and a very sweet kid- fell out of a tree on his job like a month and a half ago and severely cut his right arm, almost bled out from it, and broke his spine, last I heard he was paralyzed from the waist down. Viper, who I'm becoming more and more convinced has legit lost his mind, a view shared by Freebird Bryan Cross at the XWE show last week- is supposed to be organizing a benefit show for him, I've volunteered DFZ's services, but now no one can get hold of Viper.

Saw in a recent PWI that ranked the top 50 female wrestlers in the world Madison Eagles ranked #1. Holy fuck- that's my old sparring partner from Bobby's training, Lady Madison. She looks a lot rougher than she did then- nine years older, married with two kids, and wrestling as a career will surely take it out of you but still how fucking cool, I've not only been in the ring with the #1 female wrestler in the world I once let her hold me in a headlock for minutes- till she caught on to what I was doing, in fact. Back in the day- theres a photo of her in one of the '03 NL's - she was hot.

(I TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS)

You should be very proud.

Think I'm going to wrap this up, wanted to finally get something out so you'll know I'm still alive (and well) but now I'm ready for bed, pretty tired and hungover and my baby will be back in town tomorrow- I need my rest.

I was raised by a toothless bearded hag
I was schooled with a strap right across my back
But it's all right now

Later

Bill