6/27/11

Will You Speak This Word

"Everything you cherish throws you over in the end." Robert Hunter

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Spiderman clone

Hey

Been over a month since the last NL, seems like even longer than that. Been getting a lot of "Are you okay?' type e-mails. I can see why folks are concerned cos too much work could definitely overload Bill's already taxed brainbox. I'm fine, just busy. Damn busy. And tired, damn tired but you already knew that.

Still have all three jobs- I went back to cutting grass the next day, that money was too easy to pass on (just got handed a check last week for $491.65- for cutting grass), had a come to Jesus talk with Nancy and Ronnie at the same time and they agreed it was in everyone's best interest to just leave Bill the fuck alone and so far they have (which is absolutely killing Ronnie but I don't care).

(YOU NEED TO HAVE THAT TALK WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD. MAYBE THE UNIVERSE)

Indeed sir. Although the grass cutting is on hold right now (which is why I was off today, first weekday I haven't worked fucking somewhere since MARCH, dear God) since Friday I fell asleep on the riding mower- not as hard to do as it might sound- and ran it full speed into the back of one of the junker trucks they have on the property there and smashed the front of the mower in. It still runs, just looks bad, the reason I'm off today is because I also ran it out of gas and we're out of diesel. I can't just run to the Go-Mart and fill up a can, that would be too damn easy, no, Nancy has to fill the big company fuel truck, Ronnie went to her late Friday to tell her we were out and talk to her about buying more and she balked-

Nancy: Where's all the fuel going?
Ronnie: Ask Hot Rod Rambo there.
Hot Rod Rambo: How you expect me to crash that thing good if I'm not going full speed?
N: WHAT?
R: He ain't kiddin'.

Anyway Nancy passed on getting more diesel for the moment so I don't know when I'll be cutting next. And all joking aside, if you're trying to keep sixteen acres cut as your third priority you can't fucking drag ass. You gotta MOW, godammit. Same with weed eating. Again, Ronnie critiquing HRR to Nancy-

Ronnie: He swings that weed eater like he's MAD.

I am mad, Ronnie. Damn mad.

Still more (he LOVES to bitch about me to Nancy, especially since he can't do it directly to me anymore under penalty of sudden and painful death- and I ain't kiddin' about that either Mr. Gibson, and he knows it).

Ronnie: That Rambo's like somebody from the Wood Lands.
Nancy; What?
R: Yeah. He don't like 'chines.
N: Bill doesn't like machines?
R: That's what I said. That's why he 'buses 'em so.
N: Bill doesn't like machines, that 's why he abuses them?
R: That's what I'm SAYIN'.

He's been a fucking pip lately, comes in one morning-

Ronnie: I seen something 'usual last night.
Nancy: You mean unusual?
R: That's what I said. I was in K-Mark last night when this woman starts doing this here (he starts flapping his arms up and down) and then she starts making noises like this- CAW! CAW! I thought she was just 'tendng like she was a crow-
Bill: Yeah, cos people do that all the time.
R: -but no. You know what it was?
Bill: A seagull?
R: NO. It was a seezer.
N: A seizure?
R: Yep. I thought you had to fall down on the ground and go like this here (and here he bugs his eyes and starts shaking and twitching like someone's jammed an electric eel up his goofy ass) but no. Fella who as with her said it was a seezer.
B: You learn something new every day. But let me ask you this. If I ever see you doing that how will I know if it's a seezer or you're just 'tending like you're a crow.

He actually has to think for a bit.

R: I won't never 'tend like I'm no crow.
B: Got ya. Seezer.

And the Hot Rod Rambo tag came from weeks back when I was on the other end of the yard and getting ready to quit, Ronnie was going to get on the mower so he asked me to take the truck back to the office.

Ronnie: Can you drive a standard?
Bill: Yeah, I can either drive 'em real slow, or real fast.
R: Why's that?
B: I don't believe in that shifting gears shit. (And I really don't- who the fuck came up with THAT idea, anyway? Obviously not a drinking man). So I'll drive it in first or I'll drive it in fourth but I'm not doing that in between shit.
R: Okay. Ain't my truck.
B: Stand back.

So I jacked that fucker up to fourth gear as fast as I could, took the corner around the guard shack on two fucking wheels and headed for the office at about 65 mph. This alarmed Ronnie to the point he called the office-

Ronnie: Look out Phil! Hot Rod Rambo's 'a comin' and I don't think he's gonna stop!

Well, I did stop in a nice sideways skid (if you forget to mash that pesky clutch in when you brake the engine stops and they get hard to steer- what a fucking system) that threw gravel all the fuck over. But I did stop. Phil comes out.

Phil: Any particular reason why you almost drove the truck through the side of the office.
Bill: I don't like shifting gears.
P: Okay. It's not my truck.
B: Or your office.

I was still at Cross Lanes library last issue- damn, it HAS been a long time- LMCB came in last day of school to tell me goodbye and "See you next year". WHAT? I asked this one AJ student who's a pretty nice kid, we talk comics every now and then, what her name was as she sashayed off, he told me- it wasn't the one I got off the computer last issue- and I again had Olivia look her up on the computer, that damn library card she was using last issue wasn't hers, LMCB is only 13- un-fucking-believably, trust me- and will only be in 8th grade next school year. Lord love a duck.

What else has Bill been doing?

Sarah came in for Memorial Day and we had an extremely nice, if far too brief, visit. After I picked her up at the airport Thursday evening we went over to Murad's with her friend Jeremy so Sarah could get a sandwich and I bought a couple pitchers of Yuengling. Murad's seemed a lot darker and closer than I remember it. Friday she visted with friends cos I was working all day, Saturday we went up on the hill and I bought a bunch of styrofoam wig holders to put my collection of masks on and some spray paint to brighten them up a bit, then we went over to BWW and spent a very pleasant afternoon indeed relaxing and talking and sort of watchng the Cubs game, Sarah got a chicken quesadilla and some garlic parmesan wings and three electric blue lemonades all of which she said were very good, Bill drank two big Bass ales.

Then we went over to Rosa's for a while and I drank a couple of her Yuengling then we all went up to Chris's for a cigar and some pomegranate martinis which are fucking ACE, the recipe for which follows- 1.5 oz, citron vodka, 1 oz. triple sec, 2 oz. pomegranate juice shaken over ice and poured on the rocks. Very refreshing. Add some lemon juice and a splash of club soda and it's even better.

Sunday we went to a cook out at Joe and Laura's with the usual suspects, Mike and Sig and Jesse attended as well, as did the (I always refer to him as this) the wonderfully named Tom Collins, from now on known as TWN Tom Collins. The food looked great (I was drinking- some pomegranate martinis, watermelon margaritas, nine Harpoon IPA) and everyone seemed to have a good time if it did end a little earlier than I expected it to. I came home and drank the six pack of Harpoon I'd wisely left here and Sarah went over to a friend's house. Monday we just sat around here and then far too soon Tuesday morning she was off.

Sarah's working again at an Internet start up company (whatever the hell that is) and Rachel started beautician school on June 9. She started out loving it and has graduated to liking it- Rachel's like her Daddy, routine, any routine, just bores the fuck out of us- but as of Father's Day when I last spoke with her she was still attending. Keep your fingers crossed. Just found out from some of her Facebook buddies she took her first test and got a 100 on it. Hope it wasn't out of a thousand.

Don't cry Joe
Let her go

And June the 4th was the tenth anniversary of Loretta handing me divorce papers. I might have remembered the date anyway but it's alway's stuck with me cos June 4th was my parents wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it's been ten fucking years. Jesus.

Back to Bill.

The weekend after Memorial Day, Danny had set up- I thought it was a class, turned out it was a "retreat"- whatever- at the (allegedly mucho haunted) Lowe Hotel in Point Pleasant for a bunch of his graphic novel students to get together and- I don't know, retreat I guess. My room was free was all I know. And it turned out to be a very good weekend for Bill.

I'd already sort of been hitting on one of the atttendees, first when I came and spoke to Danny's class in April and then just a few nights before the retreat when a bunch of us went over to Adelphia for some beers after Balsa's- who's back in Montenegro, godspeed you fine young man- book signing at Taylor's. Yet another good looking blond- but no kid, trust me- built nice with these long, tan cheerleader legs- so I immediately gravitated to her once I showed up at the Lowe (late, but what the fuck). Sat with her at dinner (three big Dos Equus for Bill at the Mexican restaraunt where the Bennigan's used to be) found out among many other things that she lives in Forest Park right next door to Penny who used to watch the girls when they were younger. Small world.

Then a bunch of us retreaters went over to the Double D Lounge (which sounds like a strip club but is really a sort of redneck bar) for Karaoke (yuck) and Dancing (yes) and excessive drinking. Things were going well between my new friend and I and I had a hell of a good time out on the dance floor with her.

(ONCE THEY'VE SEEN US DANCE, WE'RE IN)

Once they've seen us dance and we've bought and poured a bucket of alcohol down their throat you mean.

(RIGHT)

We slosh back to the hotel where the crazy- no, CRAZY- ass lady that runs it has organized a ghost hunt. Fucking perfect. So while the rest of the nimrods go off looking for ghosts my new friend and I go back to Bill's room to do a little hunting of our own. Don't know if she's always like that or if it was the alcohol but it was a GOOD TIME. Until my room mate barges in.

Bill: Why the fuck don't you knock?
Danny: BECAUSE IT'S MY ROOM.

(HE KIND OF HAD YOU THERE)

Yeah. He left, MNF and I went around again, then she went up to her room and I got the Big Freeze from my room mate once he returned.

(LIKE THAT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT'S HAPPENED)

That wasn't even the first time it happened that trip.

Next afternoon was scheduled a "Mothman bus trip" where some local dingleberry brain drove you around and pointed at random spots in and outside town and said "Someone saw Mothman RIGHT THERE". I wouldn't have gone for free, for TWENTY BUCKS- you buggin'. So once again- the Big Freeze. I tried to talk my new friend into playing hooky with me but she wouldn't.

(DIDN'T WANT TO GET THE BIG FREEZE)

Apparently not. Went out to eat at a nice place up the street from the hotel that evening, can't remember the name, just drank three big Yuengling cos I'd eaten earlier in the day- MNF had bought me a quarter pounder with cheese when she went to McDonalds after the Mothman ride cos she was concerned about my not eating which was sweet but misguided, I choked it down but didn't enjoy it, all I could taste was salt and grease.

(SORT OF LIKE-)

Yeah. But not nearly as good.

Came back to the hotel and just hung out, drank some Heineken I'd walked up to the Go-Mart and bought, got up the next morning and left. MNF came to the matches at ASC the next weekend, took some photos, we were going to hook up afterward but my car was dead (battery) and I was spending the night at Rosa's so she could give me a ride to the auto place the next morning (spending the night at MNF's was not an option because her daughter was staying with her) but we did have some fun in the car before she dropped me off at Rosa's. Talked to her a few times but haven't seen her since then, she was going to come to the matches at Festivall this past weekend but didn't for reasons I don't want to get into here. Tentatively supposed to stop by her place Friday after I get off at the yard, we'll see.

DFZ is damn near done.

Worked Juggulator at the ASC show mentioned above, always a tight- as in stiff- match, took that mafia kick into a neckbreaker combo he's so damn fond of onto a metal chair. It would have hurt anyway but I fucked up, it was coming off him ducking a chair shot from me, when you hit a guy with a chair you hit him with the side you set your ass on so the flange on the bottom side doesn't cut his head. I swung the chair correctly out of habit but then, whoops, when he kicks me and I drop it to take the move on it, it naturally lands flange side up. We both look at it for a second realizing what I've done- then he sort of goes "Meh" and kicks me in the side of the head and then drops me on that metal chair where of course the flange catches me right on the back of the neck. Fucking HURT, my neck is still sore.

Went up to Everest- not Everett- the next day for a massage- I'm getting one almost every Saturday now, they're addicitve- and lucked into Danette who's one of the instructors and gives just a priceless massage. She spent the whole hour on just my neck, shoulders and back and I swear I could have happily lain there (ha, I first typed "her") all day. And she's about the third massage person to comment on the density of our hero's flesh, she told me after she was done, "I've given massages to bigger guys and guys who were more overtly muscular but I think you have the hardest upper body I've ever worked on in my life."

(YEAH, WE'RE SOLID STRAIGHT THROUGH. LIKE A BRICK)

Or a tater.

Worked Festvaall last Saturday, both show and crowd turned out really well- Joe took some photos- but it almost ended in disaster when Bill first had trouble getting up on the second rope for the superplex- had the same problem at ASC during that match, which would have warned me if was the kind of person who paid any attention to things I should- bottom line is the legs are fucking SHOT, hurts to admit but it's so- then damn near dropped Juggz on his head throwing it. Bad bump for both of us- and this is the kind of guy Juggz is, I just butcher the fucking move and almost kill him and after we've hit the first thing he says is "Are you okay?" This is the same guy I almost trepanned with that pizza cutter up in Ohio 3-4 years ago who when he comes to the back a bloody ruin says to my incautious ass "I hope you're not mad at me." Damn. He's almost too nice to be a wrestler. Or even real.

After the matches we went to Pies and Pints- okay, but not all that- where Bill had three draft PBR- my head was already killing me so what the hell- then to Chris's for a black and tan and then to Ron's for some beer I don't remember the names of and a cigar. Nice way to end the day.

Picked up a bunch of summer fair shows, including Juggz again this coming Saturday in Boone County. cos the money was too good to pass up but once they've run their course I think I'm going to drop Allen's tag belt- the last one I'm holding- and phase out. I know I've said it before but almost killing the Juggulator by barely hitting a move I could do in my sleep five years ago was a pretty serious wake up call.

(I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT)

That's understandable.

I'm going to go, have to put a full day in at the Main Library tomorrow- of course that does now have its perks- just wanted to get a NL out so everyone would know I'm alive and if not thriving at least surviving.

Later

Bill