3/11/06

The Thrill That Kills

"Listen to the newborn infant's cry in the hour of birth- see the death struggles in the final hour- and then declare that whatever begins and ends in this way can be intended to be enjoyment"- Soren Kierkegaard.

Hey

Yeah, that Soren, he always was a barrel of laughs- gloomy Scandinavian fuck, he shoulda been up there having a great damn time, staying wrecked on aquavit, balls deep in some flaxen headed ice goddess, not moping like . . me, or somebody. I remember when I was in college I tried reading all these philosophical geezers, like SK and Sarte and Nietzsche, cos I thought it was expected of a deep and brainy young turk such as myself, but I soon gave it up as a waste of time better spent reading McBain and MacDonald (both John D. and Ross) and Heinlein and Stan Lee, not to mention drinking and screwing and making an electric guitar scream like damned soul- no wait, that was Loretta, listening to me practice- cos those guys were all full of shit anyway, as far as I was concerned. Well, not necessarily so much full of shit as just so damned long winded, some of what they wrote rang true for me, they just took so incredibly long to make their fucking point, then, once they had, had to hammer at it about a million times, yes dammit, I GET IT already.

(LISTEN TO YOU. HOW DO YOU THINK THE PEOPLE READING THIS THING FEEL? YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT, AND LONG WINDED).

Don't lets start.

(HAVE A GOOD TIME ALL THE TIME, MARTY. THAT'S MY PHILOSOPHY).

And a good one it is. Also, don't call me "Marty".

(WHAT I OUGHT TO CALL YOU IS "THIEF").

Bill sighs heavily. "Why is that?" he asks.

(COS YOU STOLE MY NEW DAMN PROMO LINE FOR THE TITLE OF THIS THING).

The Thrill That Kills? Wasn't that originally the promo line for that old 30's evils of drug movie, Cocaine Fiends?

(NAH, THE PROMO LINE FOR THAT WAS "BLOOD CURDLING GIANT FLY CREATURE RUNS AMUCK!")

That was Return Of The Fly.

(THEN IT MUST HAVE BEEN "A HORROR HORDE OF CRAWL AND CRUSH GIANTS CLAWING OUT OF THE EARTH TO"-)

That was Them.

(THAT WAS THEM- AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ENGLISH MAJOR. "CRAWLING SLIMY THINGS TERROR BENT ON DESTROYING THE WORLD"?)

The Brain Eaters.

(YOU'RE A FUCKING BRAIN EATER).

Why don't you just change your slogan, or whatever it is you call it, to "The Fucking Thrill That Fucking Kills, Goddamn Your Shitting Ass To Hell".

(I LIKE IT).

Of course you do. You know, when we converse like this, I always imagine you as this little black wrestling mask drawn on the side of my hand, and I wiggle my thumb to make you talk.

(YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW I IMAGINE YOU).

Probably not.

(OR WHAT I WIGGLE TO MAKE YOU TALK).

Enough of that.

Let's move on, as in actually getting this thing started. First off, mail bag, it's been a while since I got this one fan letter, though still since- whatever I called the last one of these, been three plus weeks since last issue, so, redbaron24, thanks for the compliments, but this is a NEWSLETTER, not a fucking blog, you get one free pass and that was it, don't ever refer to this thing as a blog again. I'm not entirely sure I know exactly what a blog is, except everybody and their goddamn cock sucking Aunt Petunia has one- you say your Aunt Petunia doesn't suck cock? You don't know her like I know her- this thing started way back as a simple newsletter to keep in touch with all my many friends and has grown, sort of like the mildew on Al's urine soaked couch, hell, like the mildew on urine soaked Al, to be what it is today, which is in no way a fucking blog, okay? As I said, it's still a newsletter, an old school word for an old school- and cranky- guy.

Had some more correspondence since the steamy Valentine from Jane Doe, not as catchy an internet nom de couer as the last one had, still, Miss Jane's not going away without a fight, which I can respect. I haven't answered any of the e-mails directly cos I don't want to actively encourage her, but I do have a few questions I'll ask you here in public, you've already told me how great looking you are but haven't send me a corroborating photo which makes me think either A) you're lying and you really look a mess, or B) you're someone I already know, as you do seem to know more about me than I'd think you could get even from reading this tell all tome- I'll get to her personality analysis of our boy here in a minute- anyway, as to the questions, are you married, you've never said one way or the other and don't say, "You have to ask?", absolutely I do, you'd be quite surprised what some married women will say and do, and I'm not gonna be some married bitch's diversion/threat to get hubby back in line ever again, not unless- well, never mind. I got feelings too.

If not married, do you have a boyfriend? If so, are you willing to fuck around on him? And also if so, can I beat him up? Not as in do I have your permission, but do you think I'd be able to if things get out of hand? Or will I have to fucking shoot him? Am I being a total smart ass about something that may well be very serious to you? Yes, actually I am, and if you're a real person, and sincere, then I'm sorry. But again, it's that once bitten thing, you know?

For the record, here's how Ms. Doe sees Mr. Bitner, as for his good points (explaining her attraction) "You're truly original- unconventional, colorful, bright, self assured, cerebral, cosmopolitan and passionate". Well goddamn, I respect your vocabulary, if nothing else. Cosmopolitan, huh? I'm not sure I've ever been called that before in my life. Unless it was, "Get outta here, ya cosmopolitan little prick!"

However, not wanting to come off too sycophantic, I guess, she also ran down this list of my flaws- "arrogant, self righteous, pushy, irreverent, oblivious, autocratic and confrontational". I'll own all that, but shouldn't irreverent be on the plus side?

As for the other, in person, Valentine alluded to but never gotten around to last issue, it came from PG (check out her work on the site, Wrestling Photos, which I'll speak more about in the DF section of this thing), I thought I had that shit all cleared up and was free to quit being not real nice to her, which I wasn't enjoying anyway, but the minute I do- fuck, it's just my goddamn CHARM, what can I say? Danny gave me this big lecture, I felt like Andy catching it from Briscoe Darling over Charlene, "You just had to go and be nice to her, didn't you?"

She's been after Danny again to hook us up, he keeps telling her "Give it UP", we stopped after TV last Saturday at our Exxon fan base and Curly- that's the name of our fan club president who gives us all the free food and chocolate milk and cokes and if we're lucky and no one else is in the store, beer, Jesus, you gotta love it, a hillbilly old woman wrestling fan named CURLY- asks me (indicating PG) "Why haven't you laid her yet?" "How do you know I haven't?" "She told me". I almost told her why I haven't, with PG standing right there, but dammit, I'm trying to get out of this without going off.

Fuck me. It's still up in the air, I've gone back to being chilly but it's not really working, I've tried to steer her toward some of those guys who are interested but she isn't buying, I don't know, it's not just that I don't find her good looking, she's not a bright person at all (obviously), she said "I seen" and "I done" in ONE DAMN SENTENCE a few weeks ago, I couldn't take that no matter how she looked.

Speaking of ending ugly (which is how the above situation is sure to end), Loretta sold the Carriage Way house a couple weeks ago. A lot of fucking dreams died in that house . . . and our love became a funeral pyre, indeed. And that's all I'm gonna say about it.

My Dad. Don't want to talk a lot about him this time cos to tell the truth, I'm sick to fucking death of him. Not his fault, but a fact, nonetheless. Still, I did find out what's worse than going to the store with my Mom. It's going to the store with my Mom and Dad.

My Mom continues to lead bottom him, the other night she fixed them both hamburger steaks with fried onions and French fries, with gravy over all of it. There should be a neon sign out in front of this place that says EAT.

I've been trying to get him out of the house a least once or twice a week, Tina and I took him to Red Lobster a few weekends ago, an unmitigated disaster, never again, I was lucky not to get arrested, and I'm being completely serious, I also took him to a Lion's Club meeting last week, it wasn't too bad, he got to see all his old Lion's Club buddies, but the goofy ass Grand Fleegle, or whatever they call the head Lion, kept trying to recruit MY ass, what is he, CRAZY?

Bill: No thanks. I'm not a joiner.
Grand Fleegle: But there are also lots of benefits to joining, business wise. You can make a lot of contacts, and network (Lord, how I loathe that word).
B: I'm not a business man. Fuck, I don’t even WORK, man, and you can't hardly make me.

This sort of threw old GF, (I don't think the "fuck" helped, either) but I guess he thought he'd make a pitch to my better nature (Ha)

GF: We do a lot of community service as well . .
B: There's not a do gooder bone in my entire damn body. Charity begins at home anyway, don't you think?
GF: Well . . .
B: Look, I just brought my Dad here to get him out of the damn house. That's where it begins, and ends, for me.
GF: Okay. But if you change your mind-
B: Trust me, I'll call ya.

Don't wait up.

In other family news, Sarah is in for Spring break this week, "in" meaning Baltimore. She won't be coming to WV. No. Fucking. Comment. Although as always, I remain very proud of my baby, and how well she's doing her first year of college, while still trying to wrap my aching brain around the fact that she's a college girl in the first place.

Did I mention in here a while back that DF Sean had gastric bypass surgery? I think I did, if not, well, he did. Heard from him the other day, he's now lost about 60 pounds and is "working out like a beast". Says he'll be cleared for ring work by May.

(WE'LL SEE).

Hey, wouldn't you rather tag with a 250 pound former Marine Shoalin black belt, as opposed to a 150 pound college professor older than me?

(ABSOLUTELY. AS LONG AS HE KNOWS HIS PLACE).

Behind you?

(EXACTLY).

"German man is the supreme example of demonic man. Demonic indeed seems that abyss which cannot be filled, the yearning which cannot be assuaged, the thirst which cannot be slaked"- Leopold Ziegler

Even though the name is German, I've always felt more at home and in touch with my extensive Irish heritage, God knows I don’t have a single atom of the Germanic pragmatism and work ethic, being much more feckless and fey and of Irish temperament, hey, you talking to ME, motherfucker, but I don’t know, that yearning, and especially that thirst stuff, hits pretty close to the mark.

I've been asked- not lately, but I've been asked- where I come up with all the quotes that I lard these things with. It comes from reading a lot and watching lots of movies and listening to lots of music, and having the kind of mind that can retain shit like this, but can't remember where the fuck's my keys/wallet/drink/life? And no, I don’t cheat by going and looking them up, first off, where would I look, and second, this is all stream of bloody consciousness, I just throw this shit down and move on.

Some significant obits since last issue, I don't normally acknowledge big time ones, but RIP Don Knotts and Darrin McGavin, two funny, funny guys, and also two very good guys as well from all I've ever heard. RIP also to both Bill and Barry Cowsill, I only liked that one song they did, but I liked it tons, Bill just recently died of a heart attack, Barry was drowned by Hurricane Katrina, though his body wasn't identified until December. That sucks.

And another in the seemingly never ending litany of wrestling obits, RIP to Mike "Johnny Grunge" Durham, only 39, taken to the hospital complaining of shortness of breath and died, not sure from what, heart I guess. I read he was having a hard time dealing with the sudden death of his old Public Enemy tag partner Rocco Rock a few years back, Grunge was never svelte but seeing the recent photo of him they ran with his obit, he'd ballooned way up, I'm telling you, it's not just aesthetics, that heavyweight lifestyle will kill you, I swear I think it's better, healthier, to work out and drink and do drugs than it is to not work out and not drink and not do drugs. I also think you should jerk off three times a day whether you need to or not. I happen to need to.

What's Bill been reading? Tons since last issue since I hardly ever get out anymore, couple good mysteries, The Blood Dimmed Tide, by Rennie Airth, and No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy, grim as fuck but I can deal with that, it started out really good, then took a left turn abut 3/4's of the way through that I hated, and then just ended. Kiss my ass, Cormac.

I was reading some men's mag at Marty's Tire the other day while getting new tires put on the Caddy, they had a reading list of "recommended men's books", I was a bit put off to see NCFOM on it, as well as half dozen others I've reviewed in here over the past six months or so, put off cos the magazine itself sucked donkey dicks. I can’t find a "Men's Magazine" that's worthy of the fucking term, they're all either of the sniggering adolescent variety, like Maxim and its ilk- look, boobies!- or of the Fancy Dan variety, the proper wine to have on the beach at Maui at dawn is SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Also read a book about Spanish director Juan Bunuel, and a bunch of books about old West Coast bands I got on the cheap- I've also been asked, although again not that recently, by folks who apparently weren’t around for the beginning of this thing, what SSSLB means, it stands for Smart Shoppers Shop Like Bill, it has a corollary, SMFLLB, Stupid Mother Fuckers Live Like Bill- books on the Mamas And Papas, Jefferson Airplane, Grateful Dead, as well as one about the Doors written by Ray Manzarek, excellent keyboard player, not such a good writer, we've been around about the Doors and that anti-Morrison backlash here before, bottom line is that they did some good stuff, some seriously good fuck songs- the best hard fuck songs by the way are "Peter Gunn" (go figure) and "What'd I Say", the best soft fuck songs, well, who wants to fuck soft? You do, brother, trust me. Sometimes deep and slow is the way to go.

Also read The Mexican Masked Wrestler and Monster Filmography, not really all that good, written by some guy from Morgantown of all places, but it did give us a killer pin up girl for this issue, Joseph, see what you can find on her, Grace Renat, whom I'd never heard of before, but who takes the hot slender girl with huge natural tits ideal to the very extreme, I tried to find her on the internet but could pull up nothing even remotely resembling the eye popping still from the El Santo creaker, The Fist Of Death from '82 reproduced in this book.

What's Bill drinking? Wild Turkey shots, PBR chaser. I'm off tonight.

What's Bill been watching? Actually got out of the house last Saturday for a Movie Club up at Chris'. Also in attendance were Ron- who's growing a very stylish beard in what I consider a blatant act of hero worship- and Deb and a couple Karate students, Mike, who made the last cookout at the old Harmon's Creek place, and his wife, Alissa, who's not very ugly at all. We watched the new animated Avengers movie, which I'm happy to say was good, I'm real critical of comic stuff cos it seldom meets my standards, but this was well done, we also watched "Transporter 2", about as ridiculous a movie as you could ever hope to see, pretty entertaining when you're chugging vodka collins, but I'm sure I couldn’t sit through it sober, and "Lord of War", with well known BB non fave Nick Cage, not horrid, but I never could get into either, which was the MC consensus as well.

Speaking of the old Harmon's Creek place, Charlie told me Jack and Mary tried to move in there after I left, were driven out by what they said were "bad vibes". Damn. Be interested to hear exactly what "bad vibes" constituted.

I'm drinking TNT
I'm smoking dynamite
I'm hoping some screwball
Starts a fight
Cos I'm ready . . .

What's Bill listening to? That last lot of SSSLB mail order CD's included "Rock On" by the (I say this every time) criminally underrated Humble Pie, as well as "A Gathering Of Promises" by Bubble Puppy, I remember reading way back when in a Creem magazine someone saying BP sort of sounded like the (great) 13th Floor Elevators, so when I saw it in that cheapo oldies catalog I got it, well guess what, they sorta don't, these guys are nowhere near as weird as Roky and Co., but they're still damn good, surprisingly so. Strong on all counts, songs, guitar (nice overdriven mid-late 60's sound), singing- back then you actually had to be able to sing to call yourself a singer- lyrics like "Now my whole life's a downhill slope", I hear ya, buddy, and "I've been living confused/And my mind's been misused", jeez, I hear ya again, I couldn't have spent that $1.99 better if I'd spent it on beer, or Sarah's college education. Oh wait, I'm not paying for her college education, am I? You can't see me, but I'm laughing. Hysterically.

Also got- gulp- two Glen Campbell CDs, "Wichita Lineman" for the title song and "Dreams Of The Everyday Housewife" and "Galveston", again for the title song and "Where's The Playground, Susie?", Glen Campbell's a complete disgrace as a human being, and the rest of the stuff on the CD's are dross and spit at best, but those four songs are worth four bucks in my book ANY day.

What's it all about, Falcon
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about,
When you work it out, Falcon
Are we meant to take
More than we give?

(FUCK YEAH. UNLESS IT'S ASS KICKINGS, THEN YOU GIVE MORE)

You know, I knew I was asking for trouble when I put "Falcon" in there, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

("BUT I WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ANYWAY". THE STORY OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE, IN EIGHT WORDS).

Too true. Well, tonight I also listened to a couple "free" CDs I got with the two most recent MOJO's (I got mine working), one was a bunch of Who covers, the other Kinks, not bad, but pretty extraneous as well, since the originals are all definitive, but the Kinks one did have a fine version of "See My Friends" by- lemme see here- by Gravenhurst- I know, WHO?- that had an extended outro organ/guitar jam that not only was great but sounded very Tang Spoon-ish (and no, that's not a contradiction, fuck you). Also listened to another "free" CD I got with Classic Rock magazine, another Brit mag but one I usually avoid, this issue had a bunch of "where are they now" updates I went for, like Andy Fraser and Jeremy Spencer, best song on this one was Fleetwood Mac's "Somebody's Gonna Get Their Head Kicked in Tonight", good, but I prefer The Rezillos revved up version.

I saw Burt Bacharach on the Biography Channel sometime in the middle of the fucking night down at that goddamn "why sleep when I can fucking shit in my pants all night instead?" Al's a few weeks ago, Burt had the world (and Angie Dickinson) by the tits for a while in the late 60's, early 70's. Watching, I was reminded of how many excellent songs old Burt (and lyricist Hal David. who always seems to get short shrift when these songs are mentioned) had written, so much so that I was compelled to stop at Borders on my way home the next day and buy a- another gulp- Dionne Warwick CD.

Now this is not the later Dionne Warwick singing all the useless shit she did in the 80's and stuff, while looking like Skeletor's grandma (from South Eternia) with them spooky cheekbones looking like they're about to pop right through her skin, this CD is an old greatest hits of her singing nothing but all those 60's Bacharach/David songs that (I'll admit is a part of their appeal for me) were all over the radio when I was a kid.

Still, no matter when you were a kid, if you don't think "Do You Know The Way To San Jose" and "Promises, Promises" and "I'll Never Fall In Love Again" are good songs, and "Don't Make Me Over" and "I Say A Little Prayer" and "This Girl (Guy)'s In Love With You" are really good songs, and "Anyone Who Had A Heart" and "Alfie" and "Walk On By" are just fucking SUBLIME songs, than you are one cloth eared motherfucker is all I have to say. Well, it's not all I have to say, but it's all I have to say about YOU.

Joe and I did a genuinely excellent version of "Walk On By" last mentioned in here four or so years ago when we recorded it, me on acoustic and vocals, Joe on bass, if I ever make it back out to that haunted house I used to live in to get the rest of my stuff out of there- hey, I just moved out in September, what's your damn hurry?- I'll snatch the Infernex and have Joe include our "Walk On By" on here like he's done with other songs in the past.

And while we're in a musically nostalgic vein, last Tuesday was the ninth anniversary of the Fabulous Tang Spoons live at the Roxy Theater. Where, oh fucking WHERE, does the time go?

My two current favorite wrestler names- Buffalo Beany and Jervis Cottonmouth. How the FUCK could you come to the ring with a straight face after being introduced as Buffalo Beany? Also read an interview on this on line wrestling site with Jimmy Jones, who wrestled under the blatantly- to me anyway- racist nom de ring, Burrhead Jones. I'm sure Joe remembers him, Burrhead used to do the job all the time on the old Georgia Championship Wrestling we watched so religiously when we were young and strong. The interviewer even asked him, why'd you use a name like Burrhead, apparently it was a compromise, the promoter wanted to call Jimmy "Cockleburrhead Jones", and as Jimmy explained, "I didn't want to be called no Cockleburrhead Jones. Would you?". No, Cockleburrhead Jones, I wouldn't.

What's been up with the Death Falcon? Well, he's only worked TV since the last issue, which hasn't set too well with a lot of folks, but that's just too fucking bad. Circumstances being what they are, I simply don't have the time or energy to keep up the pace I've been on the past five months. Besides passing on all the local spot shows, I also passed on AWA shows in NC and Indiana where the DF's presence was requested, flattering to be sure, but I just CAN'T. Frustrating as fuck, cos if I weren't tied down to this goddamn house taking care of my invalid Dad I'd be right there, also on the Florida/Bahamas/Puerto Rico jaunt I was SO looking forward to doing this spring, what a fucking experience THAT would have been, but again, I just fucking can't, cos there's no one to take my place here for more than a single night at a time.

It sucks being indispensable. Man, if my Dad could have just held off on his stroke for a fucking year . . .

I'd like to say the rest has helped my knees and shoulder. I'd like to, but I can't, they still hurt like fuck, 24/7. At least I've had some time to work out the past few weeks. Someone asked in reference to the latest photos on the site why there's such a discrepancy in the buffness of the DF from one photo to the next, well, those photos cover a spread of 3 months, and a difference of 17 pounds from heaviest to lightest DFZ, with heavier actually being buffer in this case.

Someone also asked what the DF was saying in that taunting photo where he's pointing into the crowd, you want to answer that one?

(I WAS SAYING, "DUDE, YOU'RE SO DAMN FAT, WHEN YOU HAUL ASS YOU HAVE TO MAKE TWO TRIPS")

And he wonders why they throw shoes.

(NO I DON'T).

I'm getting tired, I don't have the stamina I did when I was young, like a year ago, bailed on MC last Saturday at 1 am, I haven't left a MC at Chris's before 3 or 4 in the morning in years. I swear I was gonna do a Comics Corner this time- we were going to talk about Hawkman- and some recipes, just like in the old days that I keep hearing this thing is no longer like, and even tell another story about the OLD days, like went over so well last issue, but it's all going to have to wait for next issue. I'll try not to take 3 plus weeks to get it out is the best I can do for you right now.

I'm a siren screaming
A tombstone leaning
I'm gonna give your life
A whole new meaning

Anything you want to add?

(BLOOD CURDLING GIANT FLY CREATURE RUNS AMUCK!)

Jesus.

Later

Bill