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3/12/10 Death Falcons Rush In . . .
"I won't kill you- but I don't have to save you." Batman Hey Wanted to get one more NL out before DFZ no doubt causes an international incident down south. Let's get to it. Been trying to get some semblance of my rightfully vaunted strength and health back before I go to the land where everyone who's heard of me wants to kill me- (THAT'S EVERYWHERE, ISN'T IT?) -this place is even worse cos down there I won't know if they're cursing or worshipping me till the knife comes out. With that in mind, after drinking for two weeks straight prior to the last NL that wasn't a Mexican promo, I've since gone for stretches of eight and then five days without drinking so much as a beer. Could have probably gone longer if not for this damnable insominia which is the worst it's been since the start of this thing which makes it the worst of my life, and that's saying something. Although I never had a LICK of trouble sleeping before the separation summer of '96. Since then . . . fuck. It's hard for me to believe that a human being can get this tired and not just collapse and pass out, but I don't. Sometimes having an inhuman constitution can work against a fella. Going with as little sleep as I have for the past couple months your body gets toxic, and your brain (even more) psychotic, neither of which I need. Hard drink, and lots of it, lay me out but that's not really the most restful of sleeps. But it is better than nothing. Been quiet at the yard lately, worked six days straight a while back, nine out of eleven cos Phil was sick, in those six days we had five people come in. Not counting the guy I threw out. This was ALL his fault, too. He comes in with about 600 pounds of computer cable in this van, I tell hiim we don't take it cos as far as I know, we don't. "It's insulated copper wire!" which we do buy he keeps insisting- with attitude, which is where the asshole went wrong with me right off- and then "You don't know what you're talking about, Phil buys it from me all the time!" I knew there was some kind of "ordeal" as Ronnie put it a while back over some wire Phil had bought, Ronnie didn't think we could resell it and was bitching his usual blue streak, Nancy was going to check and I never heard what she'd found out. So, "Okay", I tell him, trying to be NICE, even though I already wanted to tell him take your damn attitude elsewhere, "let me go in and check. KEEP YOUR WIRE IN THE VAN TILL I GET BACK." I didn't yell that, the caps are just for emphasis. I go in, Nancy can't remember what the guy at RJ told her- as I've said before, she's a real business whiz- so she has to call Ronnie who tells her we can't resell it ergo we can't buy it although I doubt he said ergo. This all takes a while, long enough so that when I go back out to the shed this fucking RETARD has already unloaded 254 pounds of wire that I told him to leave in his van onto the scale. Bill: We're not buying it. This guy is super hot now, far madder than anyone I've pissed off there yet. He steams for a moment, then goes- R: All right motherfucker, then you have to help me- I waited a second cos I truly thought the guy was going to take a swing at me and part of me was hoping he would cos I was pretty damn hot myself at this point- in fact I'm getting myself all het up all over again typing this- and would have been more than happy to fuck his ass up, I was ready to put the fucking boots to him. I know he thought about it, I could see it in his eyes, but then he very wisely backed down and started slingng wire back into the van and I went back inside. And he was gone in under five minutes. (FUCK HIM) No kidding fuck him. Ronnie's still Ronnie. He was sick a few weeks ago, had a sore throat. Ronnie: I got me the 'gitis, cos my 'boggan won't stay on. I'm thinking it's cos of the point on top of his head. Always wanting to be helpful- Bill: Why don't you stick it on with some heezy? Later I heard him telling Nancy- R: That Rambo's a 'natic 'bout the heezy, ain't he? On a semi-related subject, I read where the NSEA did a random survey in 2007 of over 2000 people and found that 57% of them- FIFTY SEVEN PERCENT- had not read a single book in the previous twelve months. Not one. Single. Book. That very sincerely boggles my damn mind, but it does explain why 57% of the people I meet are dumb ass motherfuckers. I don't know what the explanation is for the other 42%. I watch very little televison as we all know. I may watch a few episodes of the new Food Wars show- it looks awful but the hostess is hot- but I saw a commercial the other day that was so fucking wrong on so many levels . . . Jesus, I honestly wanted to kill everyone involved in it's making and I know that's not sane. A young couple and their baby are in this restaurant. Mom gets up to take a leak, or diddle herself with a plunger, or whatever. Immediately Mama's boy baby starts to whine and fidget. Incompetent numbfuck Dad has no idea in hell how to deal with this, until the guy in the next booth solves things for him by passing him some sort of hand held electronic gizmo to hold up in front of the kid's eyes to entertain him. That entire scenario absolutely makes me want to fucking puke. (IT'S JUST A COMMERCIAL THERE, CHAMP) Yeah, but it's what it says about where our society is, and where it's headed- (DOWN THE FUCKING TOILET?) Exactly. (I DON'T NEED TO WATCH COMMERCIALS TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU THAT) I need to get to The Compund, boys, and I need to get there NOW. As further proof that America has lost its mind, I've been selected for jury duty. (SOME MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO JAIL) You got that right. I don't know all the local lawyers but out of the ones that I do there's not a single one I'd bother to cross the street to piss on. If one of them happens to have the misfortune to bring a case in front of jurist Bill as far as I'm concerned their client's fucking guilty. (YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU'D SEND A POTENTIALLY INNOCENT PERSON TO JAIL OR PRISON BECAUSE YOU HATE THEIR LAWYER?) In a fucking heartbeat. (YOU MAKE ME SO PROUD) Moving on, my Mom's about the same. That's all I want to say this time around. Sarah's still doing well, had a drink with Rosa, Mark, Young Chris and Mark's son Steven week before last when that crew was in NYC. Rachel has found gainful employment which is probably what knocked the earth off its axis not that earthquake. She's working 7:00 am- (RACHEL?!) Yes, Rachel, to 3:30 pm Tuesday through Saturday answering phones for DirecTV. I don't think I'd want to be the person calling Rachel with a complaint say around 7:02. (I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE THE PERSON CALLING RACHEL WITH A COMPLAINT ANY TIME. I THINK SHE GOT HER PEOPLE SKILLS FROM HER FATHER) Did you know in the '20's syphilis was sometimes referred to as "the morbid soil"? I bet if you lived back then you would have. And that they sometimes tried to cure it in men by shooting great bolts of electricity into your afflicted member, aka your diseased and dripping dick? I'd think that would pretty damn much cure you of anythng, including breathng, but apparently it was no go on syphilis. (NICE TRY, THOUGH) Yeah, really. What's Bill been doing? Not much socially, it's this damn fatigue fog I've been in, I did go down to Joe's one night last week, went to eat at Chin's in KC after the Mexican promo shoot, had a great big plate of broccoli beef (no rice), couple Tsingtao beers, that's about it. Going to a premier of Jan's student film at 7 tomorrow at Capital Theater then an after party at Capital Roasters at 8:30- I know they serve wine, not sure about any other alcohol, got something else on my mind anyway. Then the first MC in ages up at Chris's Saturday night. What's Bill been reading? More Lovecraft stuff- like I've said before, I order this stuff in bulk clumps from that wonderful lending institution, THE LIBRARY, my very favoritest public friend after Mr. Brewery and Mr. Distillery- Lovecraft At Last, a collection of his letters and the Weird Shadows Over Innsmouth collection, always liked The Deep Ones- (WONDER WHY?) -a book about werewolves, slight but with great illustrations and one about poltergeists by crazy Colin "Space Vampires" Wilson, go back to writing fiction Colin (the SV book was ten times better than the movie, Lifeforce, though I did appreciate the movie's gratuitous nudity) a book about muscle medicine, unfortunately nothing new in there although it did say some of the signs of overtraining are difficulty sleeping, irritability and joint pain- but I still don't think overtraining is my problem- a book about horror films and another about horror film directors, still another about Steven King's films, WAY too motherfucking academic and dry, in fact it caused me to finally amend one of Bill's Laws, the one stating any book started must be finished. Now, Bill can officially declare a book BAF- Boring As Fuck- and after ritually cursing and condemning it- this should be done drunk and ad lib- and ceremonially pissing on it- just a few drops, the rest went into a convenient beer bottle except the part where I missed the bottle and pissed all over my hand cos I started thinking about something else mid-stream- then the book doesn't have to be read to the end. Like to be there when the next person tries to read this BAF piece of shit, "Hmm, someone must've been reading this in the pisser". Sort of. (MAYBE YOU COULD GET THE WORD OUT, IF YOU PICK UP A BOOK AND IT SMELLS LIKE BILL'S URINE- OR RAW ALCOHOL, PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING- IT'S MOST LIKELY BAF) I thought that's what I was doing. Let's see, also a book about Billy The Kid and Pat Garrett- (YOU KNOW I WRESTLED BOTH BILLY THE KID AND TOM SAWYER) I did know that, yes. (PINNED BOTH THEIR ASSES) I figured that went without saying. -also a memoir of Joey Ramone, who wasn't just his public persona lovable goofball but a guy with serious mental health issues - all that stuff about psychotherapy and bad brains and wanting to be sedated was straight from the heart- by his brother, a biography of William Holden- while it's beyond impossible to feel sorry for someone who slept with both Audrey Hepburn AND Grace Kelly (dear God Chris, can you IMAGINE, the only thing that could possibly be better is both of them at the same time) it was still kind of sad, instead of having a rip roaring good time with his alcoholism like last issue's Brits, WH was one of those drunks who most often drank himself sick- and of course there's his pathetic death- but GRACE KELLY AND AUDREY HEPBURN, JESUS CHRIST!!!!
What's Bill been watching? Even though I mostly hate this modern world with all my black black heart, I did find this computer site through Sci-Fi Japan, Crackle that you can watch movies on for free, so the other day I watched Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla (third movie with that title, this was the most recent from 2002), which was the only Godzilla film I'd never seen- and no, now I'm not sure what to do with the rest of my life. All these Millenium kaiju films have been strange as fuck, in this one they build Mechagodzilla around the bones of the first one- yeah, the one the Oxygen Destroyer dissolved back in '54- cos in the 60's (accordng to this film) they had problems with Mothra and one of the Gargantuas (of all the kaiju out there wonder why they picked thise two?) so when a second Godzilla shows up and the Japs send MG to fight it, the original Godzilla DNA kicks in and MG starts stomping on Tokyo too cos it's in his robot blood. The Japs get that small problem fixed (the Japanese are crazy about this giant monster/little kid bonding thing)- (I THINK YOU COULD HAVE ENDED THAT SENTENCE AFTER CRAZY) -and G and MG have a big fight and that's pretty much the movie. Goofy as it was I enjoyed the hell out of it- I never tire of watching giant monsters fight while kicking the hell out of Japan and I especially like this one fighter pilot going all kamikaze and flying into Godzilla's mouth while spouting Japanese curse words. And did you know the German title for War Of the Gargantuas is Frankenstein's Giant Hellspawn Demon Ape Horror Monster? Real concise bunch, those krauts. "Okay kids . . . IT'S ROCKIN' TIME" What's Bill listening to? Kitchens of Distinction (1) Kraut (1) Kula Shaker (1) Last (2) Led Zeppelin (6) John Lennon (1) Let's Active (2) Gary Lewis And the Playboys (1)- yes, I have exactly as many CDs by Gary Lewis as I do by John Lennon- Lordsmen (1)- Ray Parsons old gospel group, I damn near lost my mind listening to this all the way through, first time even though I've had the damn thing- maybe I shouldn't call a gospel album a damn thing- since '97 when Ray gave it to me, before this I'd only listened to the one song Ray had written (and damn near lost my mind listening to it)- Lyres (3) Mamas and Papas (1) Man (2) Man Or Astroman (1) Marshmallow Overcoat (2) Dave Mason (2) MC 5 appropriately enough (5). Don't feel like pimping another Tang Spoons- next Wednesday, Roxy's 13th Anniversary, really feels like it now, seems forever ago- song, I'll do one next issue, right between the Killer Pop Tart story and Bill And His Dad Buy A Boat. Keep watching Orangedriver (oh my gosh, I first typed it as Orangedrivel, tell me that's not Mr. Freud at work) last I checked it was up to 66 views so at least twenty something of you have since last issue, danke. And I'll answer your questions about it next issue as well- as best I can, you have to understand I was drinking in those days. Speaking of, Bill's just on Lifewater Zero tonight- it was on sale- pear/fuji apple flavor, verging on too sweet but with a nice pear/apple flavor. Drank a bunch of Yeungling the past two days and nights, gotta go to the yard tomorrow so I'm laying off tonight. And we may as well have the phone taken out here, I stay downstairs as much as possible where I can't hear the phone ringing- that's not why I stay down here, that's just a bonus- but I'm coming to realize my Mom can't hear it either even when she's upstairs unless she's standing right on top of it, and even then about half the time she then can't figure out how to answer it, so if you call here you're pretty much wasting your time. Which you pretty much are even if one of us answers. As for DFZ, DeathStars 2.0- DFZ and Shane Storm- took the MWA tag belts last month, which only makes the DFZ/Storm feud in XMCW- DFZ over last show with the old stand by loaded mask head butt- that much more confusing. The XMCW program only has two more matches I think- an Unlucky 13 in April at the 9th Anniversary show, then a mask vs hair match in May, then I thnk we're going to start teaming in XMCW as well. Fine with me, I love Shane Storm. Logan is going to start running Apex in Huntington starting Thursday April 8th at the old Monkey Bar- I think it's called Jekyll and Hyde's now, boy that name's really going to attract a classy crowd. All the same to me, I already got my guarantee in writing. All you Huntington readers need to show up in force for this first show- you local DFZ fans as well- I'm sure I can get Seth on the card, in fact I have no doubt I can finally get him booked against DFZ. (I'LL CURE HIM OF THAT FLIPPY ASS SHIT) Oh, I'm sure you will. All this reading about drunken antics lately reminded me of a story- I tried to start the Killer Pop Tart earlier, but I just can't seem to write stories about when I was a kid anymore. I start them, then I get all sad and weepy cos I'm a big damn pussy and I quit. But I can still write about more recent times, so- The summer of 1978 was easily one of the best of my life. I was young and strong and so goddamn handsome even I could hardly stand it, Loretta was at her smoking hot teenage best, we'd already been together for two years and were truly very much in love and engaged to be married the following summer and I was positive it was going to last forever and be just a wonderful thing. I was crazy happy and carefree and optimistic, Joe and I were out of our minds thinking we were soon going to be rock stars but I'm telling you, at that time THERE WAS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that it was going to be so, I was selling all kinds of short storeis to the small press SF mags and already one to Fantastic (which would fold before the story saw print but I didn't know that then), I woke up every morning quoting Elvis- "The future looks bright ahead". What happened to Elvis later that summer should have tipped me off . . . My job that summer was working construction for Wray Williamson, and many of those tales of woe (mostly for Wray) have been recounted in the old Bill Vs. Construction Work sections in some of the old NLs. You may remember Wray's main crew was Ronnie, this manic little pop-eyed fucker- he had thyroid issues- Richard, this big fat useless pudding of a fuck, and Bill, and never was there put together a sorrier crew on this earth. None of us knew a damn thing about construction- Ronnie was a school teacher, Richard an adult paper boy and Bill a college student waiting to become a rock star- and two of us, Bill and Richard, were lazy as hell pn top of it. We got our jobs because Ronnie lived next door to Wray, Richard across the street, and Bill's Mom and Wray's wife were friends and Bill's Mom went behind Bill's back and asked Wray to give Bill a job. I hated Richard- I told him first day "There's only room for one lazy ass motherfucker on this crew, and I'm him" and later tried and almost succeeded in castrating him with an air compressor and I wouldn't be sorry to this day if I had, that son of a bitch was LAZY- but I did like Ronnie. He was bugfuck nuts, which was entertaining as hell. Wray had gotten a contract to refurbish all the local Pizza Huts, which pissed the hell out of me when I found out, cos it was work. On days when it was raining too hard for us to fuck up the house we were supposed to be helping Wray build, he'd send us to a Pizza Hut to sand and paint and horseshit like that. So this one rainy day he takes us to the Pizza Hut there on MacCorkle on the SC side of the Dunbar Toll Bridge- it was the DTB then anyway. He had some important Wray busness to take care of so after giving us all our assignments- sanding and painting and bullshit like that- he very foolishly leaves us. We have the van, his business is going to take him most of the day so he says just take it back to the office when we're done and he'll meet us there. There was also an agreement that Pizza Hut would cover our lunch while we were there, and I heard the store manager tell his second in command our meal was to be comped, cos HE had some kind of important business to do and was leaving as well. So you see, honest, what happened was hardly my fault. The store manager was barely out of the parking lot when Bill declared "Lunch Time!" Ronnie: It's only 11:30. So we put down our paint brushes and sandpaper and put in our order. Ronnie gets a sandwhich, Richard wants a whole damn pizza- this was before they had the individual ones- the counter girl acts a little balky but takes the order anyway, then Bill- B: I want a pitcher of beer. She consults with Mr. Second In Command, he shrugs, so I get my pitcher of beer. Richard of course starts to swoon when I bring it back to the table. R: You can't drink that! By the time the waitress brought the food out the pitcher was empty. B: Another, please. She gives me the hairy eyeball. "It'll be all right, honey," Ronnie tells her, and since he was in his mid-thirties I guess she mistook him for an adult, so she picks up the pitcher to refill and turns away- then Ronnie gooses her ass and hollers "GREASE!" which had just come out and which he was obsessed with. The beer was already working on him, plus, as I've said, he was bugfuck nuts. B: Good one. Mr. Second in command bring us out our second pitcher- Mr. Etc.: Uhm . . . please don't grab the waitress anymore. We drank beer from 11:30 to 4:30. Richard finally joined us in self defense although he whined about it all afternoon. I wish I had a nickel for every time I told him that day, "Do you know how much I fucking hate you?" cos I'd be the richest man in the world. At one point Ronnie went to put (more) money in the jukebox and somehow fell BEHIND it and unpluggd the fucker, then I almost tipped it over trying to get him out of there while Richard giggled like a 400 pound schoolgirl. The staff weren't real happy with us but what were they going to do, in those halcyon pre-cell phone days there was no way for them to reach the store manager or Wray to come do something about us, and I told them just a couple pitchers in when their mutinous mutterings started getting on my nerves, if you guys call the cops I'm coming back here and cutting every goddamn one of your heads off with an axe. At 4:30 our work day was done- B: I don't fucking do overtime! -so we decided to leave. When we finally found the van, Ronnie couldn't get it started, which no doubt saved all our lives. Ro: We need to open up the hood. Ronnie fumble fucks around and finally gets the hood up. I decide to crawl under the car and take a short nap while I'm pretending to help. This car fixing shit is beyond me when I'm sober. I'm starting to drift off when- B: Ow. Fuck. What's burning me? Something's burning my damn neck and cheek and it HURTS. B: WHAT THE FUCK! I should have taken into account who I was talking to cos all of a sudden there's this bang and a foaming hiss. Ronnie's thrown the van battery down in the parking lot and busted it wide open, and acidy battery juice is now running right toward Bill's face. B: GODAMIGHTY! I shoot out from under the van- B: What the HELL did you do that for? Who pulls up about then but Wray. He gets out and looks around, at us drunkenly swaying in the non-existant breeze, at his van battery smashed to bits in the Pizza Hut parking lot- Wray: Anyody want to try and explain? That weasely chickenshit son of a bitch Richard. I was right to hate him, I really was. Ri: It was Bill he got- it was Bill, not us Wray- he got the van
drunk and then it wouldn't start . . . Wray loaded us up in his car and took us all home. The aftermath? For Wray, he ended up having to pay our beer tab- it came to over forty bucks, and pitchers were like three dollars then- he had to pay for a new battery for the van (it wouldn't start because Ronnie was trying to start it with his house key). For Bill- did he get thrown in jail like he should have just on principal? No. Did he get fired? No. Did he have to kick in on the beer tab or battery? No. Did he get PAID for the day he sat there and drank beer? Yes. Was he surprised Wray went bankrupt not long after? No. The best part was the next Friday, pay day, I went in to him- B: Wray, about my check. I can STILL hear him screaming at me. And it still makes me laugh. It's off to sunny Mexico. See you all when I get back. Later Bill
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"I
was never leader of any gang . . . I was for Billy all the time"
Henry McCarty, aka Billy The Kid 
Earlier
today Chris sent me a couple photos of Christina Hendricks that I'm
passing along to Joe for inclusion in this issue. Have no idea who
she is but good God is she built. And as I said to Chris, it's times
like this when I really, REALLY miss Loretta. 
