|
3/28/05 The Scourge Of Prague Part One Dobry den. Hey Me and the Death Falcon are back from Prague, and I have to tell you, I just had THE BEST WEEK OF MY MOTHER FUCKING LIFE. And I'm about to share it with all of you. Some parts of it are definitely X-rated, but I'll try to avoid too many gory details, if you want those we'll have to have lunch together or something and I can fill them in. I'm going to try to do this on a day by day basis, if you find that tedious, sorry, go read somebody else's newsletter. I spent Wednesday night with Danny, and things already are off to a rocky start. He buys a bunch of beer for us to drink- we have to get up at 4 am to catch the flight, saying he can't sleep before trips anyway, we'll just stay up all night drinking and then we can sleep on the planes the next day. I'm thinking, oh yeah, a day of massive hangovers while trying to travel by plane, the overall hassle of which I already just fucking hate, compounded by a wrecked head and potentially loose bowels, I don't think that's- ah, what the hell. We sit around drinking and watching some old wrestling pay per view he has on tape, which was fine, but he starts giving me "Don't get off the boat" lecture #999, and I'm really starting to resent them. Danny and I have our first of very many tiffs of the trip over this, before we've even left his house. Like I told some of them the other night at our welcome home get together at Joe's, if I had a Krown for every time I got called unfocused and unprofessional last week by Danny I could've stayed another week. And if I had a Krown for every time I said, "Ah, fuck you Danny" I could've stayed TWO more weeks. And by the way, just four years ago it was 44 Krowns to the dollar. Last week, it was 21, an all time low. Fuck you, George Bush. We actually don't stay up all night, just until about two, we get up at four feeling poorly, or I do at least- just six beers, but on two hours sleep I still don't feel so hot- and take a taxi up to the airport. Thursday There are about 15 or so State film students also going over to tour Prague. I'll discuss some of them in depth (ahem) later, right now let me introduce the film crew, which other than pain in the ass Danny and unfocused and unprofessional me, include Doug as the shooter- film biz talk for the camera guy, now I'm gonna start talking in film speak as well as wrestle speak, pretty soon you won't be able to understand a damn thing I'm saying, assuming you can now. Doug is the big burly guy in Curtis's short "She will be mine", and is also going on the Tanzania trip in May. If you look in the dictionary under "big lug" you'll see his picture. He's a power lifter, not real tall, and he's thick through the middle like those guys are, but genuinely strong as a damn bull- and possibly as bright, although he's one of those not so bright guys that likes to misuse big words, thinking he's brighter than he is. We had this conversation fairly early in the trip Doug: I'm conundrum From the moment we meet, Doug is insistent that he and I are best friends. It doesn't matter where we happen to be together, in a plane or bar or a restaurant or walking down the street, at least once every ten minutes he has to go "BILL" in this real deep voice. The only correct response to this, which I found out through trial and error, is to go "DOUG" back at him in the same deep voice. If you don't, he'll continue to go "BILL" until you do. That'll drive you crazy real damn quick. I started out the trip pretty much avoiding him as much as possible, but I have to admit over the course of the eight days he grew on me, his unfailing good humor, while irritating as hell to a normally sour puss like myself, was actually very refreshing, and he is a straight up solid good guy, if dense as a post, not a bit of attitude to him at all, and while I don’t think we'll ever be the best buds he envisions, I think we can be pretty good ones. The other crew member is little Joe from the script class, this five foot tall, four eyed Chinese butterball. He's along to help with sound (holding the boom mike, the boom being any handy broom stick we can find in Prague) and lights (this circular reflector type thing we brought along). Nice kid, but I guess he's got this complex about being short and fat cos he's always talking this bad ass talk that would be hilarious if it weren't so pitiful, Doug and I almost got into a fight in this dance club, but didn't, more on that later, Joe was like, "Good thing I wasn't there, I'd have just started swinging and stacking up bodies", I said, "Yeah, you'd have gone all Jackie Chan on their asses wouldn't ya?" which was a mistake, cos Doug heard it and latched onto it and probably ten times a day for the rest of the trip he'd come up to Joe and go "Why don't you go all Jackie Chan on their asses?". And who'd Joe blame for this? Right, not Doug, me. Joe also has his tickets misprinted, instead of reading Joe His Real Last Name, it read Joe Wang Chung, which was kind of funny if you weren't him, and had all the students singing "Everybody Joe His Real Last Name Tonight" which was also sort of funny the first ten thousand times, but was no joke to him, it's a BIG fucking problem trying to get overseas when the name on your passport and on your ticket don't match, he had a hell of a time over it. The flights from Charleston to Cincinnati, and then to New York were uneventful, I was getting on the plane to New York and the stewardess, or whatever the fuck they call 'em now, asks "JFK?", I said, "No ma'am, he's dead, my names Bill", Danny was right behind me, he goes, "Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea?". Ha, he hadn't seen anything yet. Trying to be Bill's nursemaid has broken bigger people than him. I'm feeling pretty tired and hungovery at JFK, so me and my new best bud Doug and a couple of the students go into this bar and start drinking beer to kill time during our five hour layover. Various students, and Danny and Robin, drift in and out during the four or so hours I'm in there. I drink six of those big Cold Spot sized Sam Adams drafts during that time, which cost me over fifty bucks, but were well worth it in retrospect, believe me. About halfway through my stay, while I happen to be in the bar alone, those other pussies not being able to hang, I notice one of the students walk by, also alone. I'd also noticed her at the airport in Charleston, and everywhere in between, cos this girl is absolutely stunning. Six feet talk, blond, blue eyes, beautiful face, great, trim, volleyball and track star's (both of which she was ) body. Jesus. I went out and asked her if she'd like to sit and have a beer with me, and she agreed to. Here's where the fake names start, anyone else who's mentioned in here, if they were on the trip, has an alias. So, her name's Mary, and I buy her a beer and we spend the next couple hours drinking beer and talking- she drinks beer like I do for Christ sake, she was damn near perfect, at least at the beginning, when most of us are - and she's just a hell of a girl, bright and witty- again, I've ALWAYS been a sucker for pretty women with brains and a sense of humor, and we're hitting it off as damn fine as anyone could possibly ask to. By the time we're ready to board the plane I'm toasted, Mary's about 3/4 toasted, and Danny's looking daggers at me every time he deigns to even look at me at all. So the fuck what. I'm not so damn toasted I don't have my wits about me, I find out what seat Mary's in on the flight over, go through the student group till I find out who's got the seat next to her- fortunately one of them did- I chat her up for a while using my cross eyed drunken Bitner charm, and get her to agree to exchange seats with me once we're on the plane. Which she does, and it's perfect, just Mary and I in a window and aisle section- if I ever get stuck in the middle of the middle section on one of those long ass flights I think I'll go nuts- and even more perfect, it's an exit aisle seat with all that extra leg room. Mary and I continue our conversation from the bar, its one of those things where at the start you find one another utterly fascinating, we drink a couple more free beers on the plane- Pilsner Urquell's- and a couple hours in, start to feeling sleepy. Go figure. Mary asks me, "Can you get us a blanket, I'm a little cold", I'm thinking "Us? Hot damn", I get us a blanket, we flip the arm rest up and cuddle up under the blanket together and go to sleep. I'm having some sweet fucking dreams, you betcha, when I'm rudely awakened by someone kicking the bottom of my foot. I open my eyes and Danny's standing over me looking all mean eyed. He starts mouthing words silently at me, and I do the same back at him. D: You better get back on the boat. Danny goes back to his seat and I guess we must've woken Mary up, cos she opened her eyes at me and I'm thinking, ah hell, the jigs up, but she gives me this dazzling half awake smile, and snuggles more into my chest- somehow while we were asleep earlier my arm got around her- and goes back to sleep. As do I, thinking, this trip has sure gotten off to a hell of a start. Friday We get into Prague a couple hours late, and going through customs is a tedious pain in the ass, but finally we get through and on our bus and to the hostel where everyone is staying. For those of you Earnhardt fans mourning his passing, don't worry, he's been reincarnated as a Czech bus driver. Dear God, that bus trip from the airport should've been a ride at Disneyland. Everyone else is staying in the hostel proper, which Rudolf owns, I've got a room to myself up on the top (seventh) floor, which is being renovated and not currently open to the public. Various students, at various times (and for various reasons) were up in my room, they all commented how much nicer it was than their rooms, I felt like saying, yeah, and mine's free, but didn't. Two hours after arrival at the hotel Danny is leading a walking tour of the city. Since Mary is taking it, I do too. Prague is a beautiful city, just made for sight seeing, the weather was excellent, sunny and mid 50's, and Mary was a supremely lovely walking companion. If you want to know about the sights there in Prague, consult a Traveler's Guide, this is all about me. About halfway into the tour- Mary had taken my arm at this point- I suggest we just walk on our own. Clumping along as part of a big group has never been my thing anyway. Mary agrees that sounds like a fine idea. And so began one of the most magical afternoons of my life. I'm here to tell you right now, boys, there are worse ways to spend a sweet spring afternoon than walking the atmosphere rich streets of Prague with a charming and amazingly attractive young woman on your arm. Mary was just giddy as hell, this was her first time out of the country and she was all about it, taking it all in and just damn glowing with this youthful joi de vivre (if you'll pardon my French) that was such an incredible pleasure to bask in, God, what a day. We started doing those silly things you do when you feel really comfortable with someone, at one intersection she started to go one way, I went another, and we stretched out our arms and then rebounded into one another, which started this whole "Who's driving this bus?" thing, which was hilarious to us, anyway. We walked out onto the Charles bridge, and I impressed her by pointing out where some of the first "Mission Impossible" was filmed, at one point I bought her a flower from a street vendor, she stuck it in her hair, which made her even more lovely, if possible. As we were reluctantly walking back to the hostel- we had to catch a bus for the welcoming dinner- she goes "I am so glad I came to Prague. And I'm so glad you came too, I'm having SO MUCH FUN!" Amen to that. The welcoming dinner was in some cellar restaurant- as neat as Prague is above ground, so it is below, with a fucking wealth of underground bars and restaurants that are just to fucking die for, what great places. I got to/had to sit at the big dog's table with Danny and Robin and Rudolf, instead of with my new best friend (sorry, Doug) Mary. First everybody gets a good sized shot of Becharovka, this cinnamon-y liqueur they like over there, we all do that, it's okay but nothing special, I'm not a real fan of sweet, syrupy alcohols- still, I get a couple-six extra cos some of the more girlie students don’t want theirs (and for the millionth time while I'm slamming Becharovkas Danny cautions me about getting off the boat), then we all start drinking Pilsner Urqull drafts- excellent stuff, Czech beer is uniformly great, the smoothest shit you will ever drink in your life, it goes down so easy, you can drink tons and never feel bloated like you do on what Rudolf- who's a drinking damn MACHINE- calls our American "chicken piss" and just like all that great Brit beer we drank in London, Joe, you can drink prodigious amounts to very little hangover effect. They bring us our dinner which is some bitching eats, pork, potato dumplings, sauerkraut- my Dad would be in pig heaven- crepes filled with raspberry jam for dessert- and I break my cardinal rule and eat like a mother fucker, while drinking like a mother fucker as well. It was all about that heavenly Czech beer, I couldn't do that here cos the beer would fill me up. Danny and I talk with Rudolf about our schedule this week- which is why my unfocused ass is supposed to be here in the first place, not strolling around town au pair (I got busted for Mary and I leaving the group, as well) and throwing down shots of Becharovka. We'll scout locations in town tomorrow, Monday I'll go down to FUMA- the Czech film Institute that Rudolf's the damn head of, I hadn't realized he was quite the big dog that he is- and I'll pitch my treatments to Pavel, who'll be my de facto boss if I come to work here, Tuesday we'll go by Barrankov studios- Czech Hollywood equivalent- in the morning so Rudolf can introduce me around- I don't know why he and Danny both are being so incredibly good to me, but they are, and I love it, and do appreciate it, for all the "fuck you Danny's" I might say- then we'll shoot DF movie exterior shots that afternoon. Wednesday we'll go to Terezin, in Bohemia, about 20 miles from Germany, where I'll get in my one line acting debut, Thursday back to Prague for a full day's DF shoot, of the actual scene we're here to film, Professor Danger and Agent Gunnar's meeting with Rabbi Lowe. Sounds like a busy fucking week. Sounds fucking WONDERFUL. I wish we had a finished script for the DF scenes. What we do have is nine pages of shit for a five page scene, the result once again of too many fucking cooks. Sunday is free day for everyone else, until the opera at 7, I'll be fucking writing- or rather, once again rewriting, dammit- all day. Which doesn't stop me from hitting the bars after the dinner's over. Robin and Danny come along, as well as Mary, Doug, and a hand full of students. We hit four bars all told, all of them within a stone's throw of the hostel- Prague is the most barred up city you'll ever want to see, and all of them serving that insanely good Czech beer. A couple students try absinthe and hate it, I pass at this time cos I've heard if you get buzzed on just absinthe it's like tripping, and I'm too beered up for that to take effect now. Back at the hostel I walk Mary up to her room, I'm being cool, which I've been all along, somewhere during our very first conversation in the bar at JFK she said had a boyfriend in the Army in Texas, she hasn't brought him up since, I certainly haven't. We get her to her door and I'm saying good night, thanks for a wonderfu- and I'm in the middle of one of the greatest kisses of all time. Jesus CHRIST what a kiss. I like kissing all girls, I don’t care what height they are, but I have to say I've always liked kissing tall girls, I like that straight on face to face action, and I can get my arms around them so much better as well. I'm still trying to recover from that kiss when Mary says good night and goes into her room and I'm staring pretty damn frustratedly at a closed door. I thought about knocking, then decided no, let it go. I don't fucking care. I've still had a wonderful day. Saturday I'm convinced there is some type of time warp in Prague, cos this day had to have been 60 hours long to get in all the things that happened during it. The four of us film crew meet Rudolf out in front of the hostel at 8 am. I'm feeling kind if tired, but not nearly as headachey sick as I would had I drunk an equivalent number of American beers the night before. I'm feeling so well I even partake of the free hostel breakfast, even though I'm not sure I was entitled to it, this rice pudding-y stuff like the Brits will sometimes give you for breakfast as well, some bread and cheese, and both juice and coffee (my stomach held up incredibly well in Prague, no problems at all, which makes me think maybe it's my attitude- which was one of amazing contentment over there- and not what I put into it, that causes me all my stomach problems and pain). We take the Metro to Mala Strana on the other side of the river from where we're staying, then walk all the fuck over, heading up toward the castle, looking for street scenes to film Danny and Robin walking down- we find a couple good ones- until we get to this house Rudolf's cousin owns there right below the castle- it's for sale for two million American if you’re interested- which Rudolf thinks will work to film the interior scenes on Thursday, as opposed to doing them at Barrankov. He's right, this place is GREAT, wait till you see it. We then take a tram back to the other side of the river where it's time for lunch. Rudolf takes us to this old Czech restaurant where either he picks up the tab or it's free, either way its a great deal for me. He and I and Doug start out with a liter of beer- hell, it's already 11:30- Danny and Joe get Cokes, which prompts Rudolf to call them soft, and later, stupid- he's a fucking riot. We're drinking Staropramen, even better than Pilsner Urquell, it's brewed right there in Prague and is just as damn good as beer gets, which as we all know, is pretty damn good. Another excellent meal, starting with beef broth- the Czechs like their soup- this thick onion-y broth with beef cubes at the bottom, then I get something called pork toast, which Rudolf described as a light lunch, jeez, maybe for him, it was these two big slabs of thick toasted bread with this garlic-y pork mixture on it- great stuff. Calls for another liter of beer to wash it down. We're all sitting there talking movie talk- DF movie talk, about how we're going to make this work, and how we'll film that- and this wave of peace and contentment washed over me like you can't believe, I just sat thinking, Fuck, I'm home, THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing, finally, after almost 50 fucking years . . . this feels good. There were some girls who spoke accented English at the table next to us, who overheard us talking, they stated asking me questions so I go into my "yeah, we're over here making a movie" thing, which I think is perfectly harmless but winds Danny up no end, after they left he's like, I wish you'd quit doing that. Wish on, is all I can say. Then we again start to walk all the fuck over, I walked so fucking much last week I pretty much destroyed my shoes, not to mention the soles of my feet, ending up on the hill at Vychzrod, we find a couple of really great locations at the fortress itself, and an even better one there in the graveyard. We stop to get some incredibly strong coffee- I think this is so Doug and I can continue to have to piss every 10 minutes. between all the walking, and our 2 liter beer lunch, then we walk all the fuck over even some more. I bet I've seen as much of Prague on foot in a week as some people have who've lived there all their lives. We eventually end up at the bottom of the hill below the fort at Vychzrod, where Rudolf wants to have a celebratory beer, as we've found some really good locations today. Also, he's a fucking drunk. He, Doug, and I have another liter of beer, while Danny and Joe again get Cokes and insulted, then Rudolf puts us on a tram headed in the direction of our hostel, and heads off for wherever he's going. Probably for more beer. It's about 3, the tram's not too crowded, but I still end up giving up my seat to a couple cute girls who get on one stop after we did, and I fall into conversation with them- I'm a friendly guy, what can I say? They're roommates, one of them is Brit, named Naomi, and one of them is Czech, and her name is I can't fucking tell you. It sounds something like Cher. I say "Cher?", she says, "No, Cher". Uhm, whatever. They ask what I'm doing over here and I give then the standard answer, making a movie, which gets the standard response, "Oh really, how neat, tell me about it." I'd be more than happy to. I catch Danny's eye, who is giving me yet ANOTHER one of his sour looks, I turn my back to him and start working on Naomi and Cher, not Cher. It's working pretty well too, after about 10 minutes I turn to give Danny a look of triumph, as both girls are now quite interested in making my further acquaintance- and he's fucking gone. Him and the rest of the crew got off the fucking tram while I was busy working it. The fucking bastards. I'm not too concerned, I know my way back to the hostel from the Charles Bridge, and you can pretty much find your way there from anywhere in Prague, so I shrug and go back to work. Here's where the first X-rated spot comes in. I went back to Naomi and what's her name's place, we first stopped and bought some beer in this beer store conveniently right below where they lived, and all I'm going to say in print is that we spent the rest of the afternoon drinking beer and having a really, really good time, all three of us (it's that movie magic, man, I'm telling you. The whole world's fucking star struck, I swear). The lurid details in person if you buy me some beer (I'm talking to you, Charlie). I get back to the hostel in time (about 8 pm) to run into a bunch of students heading out to a bar, so I go with them, more drunken shit ensues in a couple more bars, two of the female students become enamored of the whole DF/wrestling thing, want to become wrestlers themselves (and join the FBBFWS), Mountain Mama Sarah and Hillbilly Amy, Sarah had a video camera with her, we cut their first promo in one of the bars, they went into their rant- pretty damn good one too, then the mask less DF (yeah I brought my mask, and am damn glad I did, but didn't have it in the bar) comes in as well- "These bitches are hard, they will FUCK YOU UP!" its hard to get tossed from a Czech bar- Sarah is supposed to get me a DVD copy, when I get it, I'll have Joe affix it to here. All the students and crew were cruising the same section of bars this night, so Danny comes in while we're cutting our promo and AGAIN- What is your fucking problem! I yell at him- we get into it over what he calls my "incessant self promotion". I get pissed and leave with my shadow Doug to try and find Mary. We find her in yet another bar with maybe a half dozen of the students, and her sincere joy to see me lifts my heart like you wouldn't believe. We also meet some more Brits in there, this big bald bruiser named John, and his little buddy Richard, who was queer as a goddamn fruit bat. Nobody can flame like a Brit faggot can flame. Nice guys, although we had a little bit of trouble out of both of them before the night was over. Mary's itching to go to a dance club, I'm torn cos I don’t like dance clubs, but I'm all about getting out on the dance floor with her, so all of us there head out for the dance clubs. The first one we hit sucked hard, so packed you couldn't move, low ceilinged and claustrophobic as hell, we're trying to leave, when I hear Doug sort of grunt behind me, I turn and he's gushing blood from the bridge of his nose, there this guy looking at him and sort of laughing, I don’t know what happened but I figure laughing boy's got something coming, so I reach through the crowd and at arm's length am able to grab a handful of his greasy hair and try and pull him close for a little personal attention, Mary grabs me yelling, no, no it was a bottle, now I'm REALLY pissed, this shit hit my boy Doug with a BOTTLE, I'm having a hard time getting through the crowd to actually get to this guy whose hair I'm pulling, Mary goes, NO, a bottle fell, what happened was a waitress was walking through this mess with a tray of full beers over her head and got jostled and one fell and hit Doug in the face. He's lucky it only cut his nose, instead of breaking it.. After Doug gets his nose iced and bandaged- I'm still kind of sorry I didn’t pop that shit for laughing, even if he didn't actually do anything, but I'm sure it's for the best that I didn't- we go to another club, Club Lavka, which I think is Czech for Club Shithole, cos this one, while bigger and slightly less crowded, still sucks. We run into John and Richard there, which is no coincidence, they'd been following us, though I didn’t know it at the time. John had the hots for Mary, and Richard for Doug. We're just in Club Lavka, I'm at the bar getting some beers when Mary comes to me all upset, John's just grabbed her and tried to kiss her, at almost the same time Doug comes up, just about as flustered, Richard had just tried the same thing with him. I leave Doug to get the beers, go to both John and Richard- whom I'd gotten along very well with in the previous bar- and told them in a friendly way they needed to not be doing that shit, and they were cool about it, we're all friends here. I come back to where I left Doug and Mary, Mary's already out on the dance floor shaking it up with some strange guy, I admit it made me jealous- you couldn't wait two fucking minutes while I'm defending your honor?- but I figure she'll dance a dance and then come off the floor and get me so we can dance, no big deal. This doesn’t happen, she stays out there dancing away, guys are just lining up to dance with her, and I don’t blame them in the slightest, she was quite the vision moving that lovely body the way she could, and she seems to be having a very good time, so I say what the fuck and go look for a place to sit and drink. I find this room off the main dance floor, got it's own bar in there, being guarded by this Brit guy who's stopping people from coming in. I think it's a separate bar, nah, he's just a Royal Marine trying to keep the woggies out, as he tells me, so he and his Royal Marine buddies can party in peace, he lets me and these two lesbian students who'd followed me over, and Doug and this other guy we'll call Mike, in, as long as I'll enter their push up contest. I'm drunk as fuck, sure, whatever. They've got this keg set up for your feet, and two more for your hands, and all these guys are doing dip push ups on them. I get on and do 41, which passed muster and gets me a couple free beers, I watch some more guys as they do push ups, while one guy is on there they pull his pants down to his ankles- those Royal Marines are a fun loving bunch- and start slapping his ass. Jaques Brel, by way of Alex Harvey comes to mind, "The queer Lt. slapped our asses thinking we were fags". Indeed. I'm finally attracted by a commotion at the bar. Turns out they're having some kind of drinking competition up there, I get roped in, so I recruit Doug and Mike as well. The game goes like this. There's a huge line of salt put on the bar in front of you, next to a double shot of tequila. A guy stands on either side of you holding a lemon wedge. You snort the salt, slam the tequila, then tip your head back and the two guys hold your eyes open while they squeeze the lemon into them, then jam the wedge into your open eye for good measure. Sounds like fun. Holy fuck. Snorting salt isn't the funnest thing you'll ever do (although the next day you'll be able to hock damn near solid loogies the size of fucking softballs, I swear), but it is compared to having lemon juice squeezed and rammed into your open eyeballs. HOLY FUCK- the pain is damn near indescribable- it's not just that your eyes are on fire, the pain goes like fucking electricity all through your body. These hard nut British Royal Marines are screaming like little girls, and falling out, I can hear chairs hitting the floor as blinded guys topple over them, I'm screaming "HOLY FUCK!" at the top of my own lungs, one of the Brits has got me so I don’t fall down, "You're all right, mate" he keeps saying, oh no I'm not, I can hear Mike screaming "Goddamn you Bill!"- why do people ALWAYS blame ME when bad shit happens to them? Everyone recovers as best they can, we all drink a beer- I didn’t spend a Krown once I entered the Royal Marine sanctuary, that was cool- and they start salting the bar for Round Two. This time there are only 5 or 6 takers, all Royal Marines except for- you guessed it. My eyes are already tender, so this time it hurts even more than the first time did, which I would've told you was impossible a minute earlier. When I'm finally able to open my eyes I still can't see for a minute or so, everything is white. More beers to recover, and they again start to salt the bar. This time there's only two guys that line up, me and some other idiot. This is for the title of Baddest Mother Fucker in Prague, and the Brits are starting to get worked up, apparently no one had ever done this three times in a row before. Right before it's time to snort the salt, the other idiot goes, "Fuck it, I can't do it." Did I bow out as well? And miss my place in history? The third time makes the previous two seem like a warm bath and massage, and maybe a little kissy on the cheek as well. After I'm done screaming and thrashing around, minutes after officially becoming Baddest Mother Fucker In Prague, I find I can barely open my left eye, and can't open my right one at all. This rather dire situation is not made any better when Doug goes fuck, Bill, your eye's bleeding. That's never good. He pries open my right eye and helpfully scrapes the lemon seed out of it, something that's along the lines of hurts so good, and I semi blindly climb up onto the bar to the cheers of a bunch of insane Brit Marines and make them chant "DFZ! DFZ!" till their throats are raw. Yeah boy, that's certainly worth your vision, Bill. The lesbians bring me some water from somewhere and flush out my eyes- the water that doesn't get all over me just splashed there on the bar floor, nobody seems to give a shit- but they continue to feel like someone is still jamming lemon wedges into them. I go back up to the bar for yet another free beer, and am letting the bar hold me up cos I'm feeling a bit weak, when someone comes up behind me and plants a big sloppy kiss on the side of my neck. At first I think that fruity Richard is back, but I turn around and it's Mary, all flushed and sweaty and happy from her time on the dance floor. Now, anyone with any sense would've said, "Hi, darling, have a good time dancing?", and take things from there, but I was all surly drunk, my eyes are killing me and I decide to make a big deal out of nothing, her hopping out on the dance floor without me while I was telling John to keep his hands to himself, at what could have been considerable risk to myself, cos he was a fucking big ass lout. I tell her to leave me alone and fuck off, once again proving that no matter how much improvement I make, I'M STILL A GODDAMN IDIOT. Mary does, fuck off, that is, and that was pretty much fucking that, she's got too much going on to put up with my pissy ass, and I can't fault her for that, so all you guys hoping for an X-rated segment with her, sorry, it never happened, and believe it, no one is more disappointed than (and in) me. The evening is STILL not over, however, like I said, this day just went on forever, I'm still propping up the bar and sucking down beers as fast as the bartender can set them up, Doug has been chatting up this blond at the bar a little ways down, she's older than most of the people in the bar, which means she's still probably 15 years younger than me, she goes to the WC and Doug comes over to me, "Who's your friend?" I ask. D: Nikla. She's from Prague. Insert second X-rated segment here. We do indeed make sex movie. So ends part one of Bill's adventures in Prague. I have photos of most of the main characters in this drama, once I get them developed I'll have Joe scan them in, in the mean time I'll get him some beer coasters and postcards I picked up to put with this issue on the site, as well as a bar napkin scrawl from one of the lesbians confirming my status as BMFIP. Next issue we'll talk about how Bill went from the Baddest Mother Fucker in Prague, to the blindest, how the blues, Germany, Norway, and molecular biology are all related, how Bill can't get thrown out of a bar, but almost gets thrown out of the opera, Bill actually does some work on the Death Falcon movie, and more. Later Bill 
|