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3/31/10 The Scourge Of Mexico- Prologue Been fourteen days since I don't when . . . Hey (ALOHA, AMIGOS!) I think that's "Hola". (WHATEVER. THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DUTCH TO ME ANYWAY) Roger that. Bill and the DFZ are back from our Mexican tour, and neither we nor Mexico will ever be the same. It was a FANTASTIC time bordered by shit at both ends, and I will let you know up front we do indeed have some tales of south of the border decadence and debauchery to share with you fine people (including brown nippled Mexican stripper/whores by the score, tranvestites and transexuals by the, I don't know, bushel, mucho drink, Bill surfing on drugs and an arm wrestling contest with a Hermosillo cowboy who thought he was tough shit. And he might have been. BUT HE WASN'T DEATH FALCON FUCKING ZERO). These tales will come all in good time, compadres . . . We still have a few days pre-trip to get into the archives. The Friday after last issue went out I went up to see the three films Danny's students- Mike S, Mexican Miriam and Czech Jan were showing at the Capital Theater. Now realize this is just one man's opinion, and I appreciate the fact that these folks actually went out and did something, instead of just sitting around talking, but the fact remains I didn't understand the first film, didn't like the second and must have slept through the third one cos I don't remember a single thing about it. The two I recall were pretentious arty-farty why the fuck did they bother student work to these eyes (although I will say they both did look very good, very well shot) but with nary a masked wrestler or giant atomic dnosaur in sight they simply weren't to Bill's taste. They did draw a huge crowd though, probably a couple hundred, who all seemed to like the show a whole lot more than I did, so good for them. Went to the after party at Capital Roasters with Danny and Marine Chris, we each bought a round of Yuengling so that was three, at one point this guy comes up to me, shakes my hand, "Good to see you again, Bill," starts talking to me like he knows me, as far as I know I've never seen the guy in my life. He walks off, I ask Danny- Bill: Who was that guy? I even wrote about this guy in the NL, it was he and his wife who were talking to me about joining their theater thing, I'd completely forgotten him. This memory loss shit is starting to get a little scary. Maybe more than a little. (WHO SAID THAT?) Cute. About this time poor hapless Joe Ng wanders by- B: Joe Ng, buy me a beer He rolls his big Chinese eyes, but complies. I notice him talking to some good looking red head at the bar. B: Who was that you were talking to? I walk over to her, Joe trailing in my wake, sort of like the shark/remora thing- B: Hi, Amber? Amber and I take our Joe Ng bought beers over to this shelf on the wall for a few minutes of introductory pleasantries, when Jan walks up with a bucket of beer- Jan: Beer? And I take the bucket from him. He gives me an odd look and goes back to the bar for another one. I found out later from Danny ("I can't take you anyplace!") that Jan was just offering me A beer, not the bucket. Oh well. A: Let's take our bucket of beer and find a seat. So we do. I let her do 90% of the talking and in no short order find out she's 32, her husband pays her no attention at all (always a good/bad sign when they tell you this right off the bat depending on how much trouble you're looking to get into) he's always either working or out with his buddies, she's looking for, dear God and its a quote, "an outlet"- (IF SHE'S GOT THE OUTLET-) -I know, we got the plug. Wants to get into acting, which is why she's hanging with this crowd, told her I might be able to help her out, completely unprompted she tells me "my husband would probably be upset if I did nude or make-out scenes"- (SO SHE READ MINDS AS WELL) -apparently, mentioned there was an opening for a Falconette, she jumped right on it, she's supposed to walk the aisle with DFZ at the big XMCW 9th anniversary show 4/17 at Ayash where DFZ is taking on (his MWA tag team partner, I want to change our name to Gay Death but Mike won't put that on the fliers or website) Shane Storm in a Hair Vs Mask match. I've had some Falconettes back out over the years, but it was raining like fuck when it was time for Amber to leave, I borrowed an umbrella and walked her to her car where I think we pretty much sealed the deal. But we'll see. Gosh, a good looking redhead being neglected by her husband wanting to be a Falconette? Why does that seem familiar? (BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME BOSS) Me too. Next night went to MC at MC Chris's, couldn't get any Guinness at Kroger cos they'd sold out for St. Patrick's Day, got some- fuck me, I don't know, some beer, I think it was a six of Harp and a six of that Something Dog IPA out of Denver but I couldn't swear to it, I'm gonna start carrying a "please return to" note wth my name and address on it in my wallet, my mind is fucking going FAST. Chris has been having some stomach issues- which I hope are now resolved- so he wasn't drinking, Ron and Joe and I tried to take up the slack. Everyone joked about Bill going to Mexico, my favorite was Joe's who said, "I just expect to wake up one morning to a big headline reading WAR". Funny. Smoked some cigars on the deck then came inside to watch Whip It with Deb and Laura, it was actually pretty good, then The Brain Eaters from 1958 which was as great as it sounds- mind destroying parasites from the center of the earth, now there's a student film project for you. Stayed the night at Chris's and slept well. Mark and Rosa missed MC cos they were at Canaan so I met them, along with Ron who's always up for a good time, at Cold Spot on Monday for some black and tans- and yes, I trained HARD for Mexico. We talked about taking the vangina to Parkersburg this Saturday for the show at WVU-P, I don't imagine the WVU fans are still interested but if any of you others are, let me know. Had a nice buzz going when I left CS but it was one of those damnable thirsty nights I'm sometimes cursed with so after I got home I stayed up till 3:30 drinking the 13 Yuenling I had here at the house. Which would have been fine except I had to work at the yard Tuesday. The hardest part was crawling out of bed and getting there since we haven't been busy at all, I was able to sleep a good bit once I got to "work". Ronnie bugged me all day, "Whatcha gonna bring me back from Mexico?" finally told him, "the fucking AIDS virus, Ron" which made him goggle his eyes and go, "Damn, Rambo, that ain't even funny" but at least he quit bugging me. Wednesday busy as fuck running my Mom all over- including two doctor appointments she scheduled AFTER I planned my trip, you'd think she was leaving town for months, before finally running her up to Lori's, who said she'd try to keep my Mom for a while after I got back. And if you fucking believe that one . . . Rosa gave me a ride (danke) to Danny's so I could leave the car parked here at the house, Danny's got some friend of his, Julia Lee (who said she works with you, Mark) who stopped by to say bon voyage, we went over to Shaar's with no C for some pre-departure beers. Danny gets pissed when he finds out I got Julia Lee to buy mine- it was just four, what the fuck, and she was happy to do it, in fact I think she'd be pretty happy to do us, but I'm not really interested, he also gets a bit of the red ass when he finds out I accepted JL's offer of a ride to the airport in the morning- I didn't ask, she offered, "We can take a taxi" "You take a taxi, I got a fucking ride". There's already some friction between the Prof and DFZ, which does not bode well for the trip. Then again, there's always some friction between the Prof and DFZ. Back to Danny's where I actually sleep okay on his couch. Thursday morning, JL gives us a ride to Yeager and getting out of her car I'm already feeling that "God, I fucking hate airports, I fucking hate flying" feeling. Just another day for Bill. Hating something. Standing in line to check our bags someone pecks me on the shoulder, I turn, fuck me, it's Jamie the Death Starlette. I'm a little apprehensive as I can't remember if we parted on good terms or not but she's all smiles so I guess it's okay. I thought she looked pretty rough, Danny thought she looked pretty good, different strokes I guess. She's going back home to Maine. Good for her. And us. She wants to cling, I try to give her the brush off, not pissy which I guess I needed to be cos she doesn't get the polite version, I can't shake her ass. Whatever, we're not long here at Yeager and when we hit Dulles she's got to rush to make her connecting flight. We get to the waitiing area and Bill sees another familiar face. Damn, that guy over there looks like Hamsa. Now he's waving at someone. Hell, he looks like Hamsa cos he IS Hamsa, and he's waving at us. What are the fucking odds our lovely Tanzanian bud Hamsa (he sends you his highest regards, Mike) would be passing through Yeager the same time as us. He's teaching in Athens Ohio, is on his way to some convention in Boston. How very nice to see him, Hamsa's as sweet a person as you could ever hope to meet. Which does him absolutely no good when we reach Dulles and he's pulled aside for the super special drop your drawers and spread 'em strip search, Danny gets angry and I hate it for our bud as well, but like I told Danny, "His name's Abdullah Hamsa Muhammed and he's travelling on an African passport, if you're a TSA person who the fuck you gonna pull aside, him or Danny Boyd?" Get a bite at the Subway in Dulles (12" tuna sub) when who comes up to us but the DS, who missed her connecting flight to Portland ME- go figure- and now can wait with us for the three hours we have till our flight to Denver. Oh goody. She's not too annoying, going on a bit about how she can get us work with Tony Atlas fed in Maine- Bill: If you can, fine. To pass the time in the waiting area at Dulles- DS gets involved in her laptop, thank God- I start a conversation with this striking girl sitting across from us, BIG glasses- Danny and I both agreed it was a very sexy look- again wth the red hair, somewhere between straight and curly, good figure, green/black/orange flannel shirt over a beater that when she bent over showed off some VERY nice breasts, tight jeans tucked into calf high boots- this girl looked good. Nah, hell she looked great. She was going to Denver as well and I kept hoping she'd wind up sitting next to me- if I gotta spend four hours stuck in a flying metal tube at least let me spend it with a pretty girl at at my side. Especally since I got a fucking middle seat, Danny on my left, who knows who on my right. My hopes, among other things rise as she walks down the aisle checking her boarding pass, hesitates as she reaches our row- YES- and then sits in the row behind us. A few people back in the line is this big Bubba fucker and Danny goes "There's your seat mate right there" and we laugh- till Bubba plops down next to me. Danny keeps laughing (which I don't fault him for). I don't. Bubba sort of wallows all over me getting settled which I accept cos there's really not much room on these planes. But then he farts, not once but twice. Big ones. Politely, but firmly- Bill: I don't mind you bumping into me cos I'm going to be
bumping into you. But the farting has to stop. Danny elbows me. Bill: What? I keep track and Danny asks me this a total of nine times on the trip and I give him the same answer every time- "Cos the fuckers antagonize me". This time I add- Bill: Listen, if this big ass fucker was sitting next to you
cranking out the butt gas you'd have a problem with it too. And he does. No more farting from Bubba. Did my telling him to cut it the fuck out have any influence or would he have stopped farting anyway? I don't know and I don't care. I spend the four hours to Denver reading Cavalryman: Killing Machine a western by Ed Gorman. The book was good but the flight was still miserable. By the time we hit Denver Bill needs a fucking beer. And he needs it bad. We go in the smoking lounge- stinks in there- so Danny can have a smoke, I don't really like paying six bucks for a pint of Stella- I restrict myself to two- but when a man needs a drink a man needs a drink and I've paid a lot more than that for airport beer. Then a two hour flight to Tucson, not bad, but once we hit the airport things start falling apart- badly. Communication between Danny and all the Tucson/Mex guys involved in this deal has been shakey from day one, and to be fair, none of the fault is Danny's. These guys just don't communicate well, and don't follow through with what they say. Call it cultural differences or whatever, I call it leaving Bill and Danny hanging at the fucking airport. Alfonso- the guy who did the Alhambrista film- is supposed to be waiting for us at the airport. He no shows. When Danny finally reaches him by phone he's still at work. Real casual like it's no big deal- "oh yeah, I said I'd be there but I'm not." Suggests we take a taxi to his house- considering how spread out Tucson is, that'll cost a fortune. "I'll take it out of his motherfucking ass" I vow- I haven't even met this guy and I already want to kick his ass. Danny tells Alfonso a taxi is probably not a good idea, and again to be fair Danny is busting on his ass as well, dude you said you'd pick us up no problem, what the fuck? Alfonso dispatches his friend Dave Hernandez- Blutes in the film, like any of you have seen it- and after a long ass wait- the bar in the Tucson airport had already closed at TEN PM, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK? Senor Hernandez picks us up. He's 450 easy, maybe 500 pounds- he makes Bubba look like a fucking footnote. Can't walk, has to get around by cart when he's not driving. Whatever, he's a ride, in his total cliche beat to shit 70-something Impala with evey warning light on the dash shining brighter than hell. Sweet. Of course he and I immediately get sideways with one another (the case of Dos E I bought within sight of the airport and started chugging like milk from Barbara Eden's sweet sweet tits may have played a part in this, or maybe not). He's Mexican, so he tells us right off, and a Viet Nam vet- Bill: They let you Mexican fuckers fight in Viet Nam? - and he hates the VA for fucking him around on the knee replacements he needs, which I'm in total sympathy with, my few experiences with the VA have all been negative, but then he wants to start ripping on the US in general. I got no patience with this shit- all right, I got no patience period, but I especially have none with this shit. B: Get the fuck out, then. By the time we get to Alfonso's house- which takes a while, Tucson is BIG, during which time I again get the why do you have to antagonize speech from Danny- Senor Hernandez hates Bill, and I'm not too damn fond of him. Alfonso's already there, he and Hernandez exchange a few words, then before DH drives off Alfonso comes over to Danny- A: Bill hurt my friend's feelings. Alfonso waves DH off and we go into A's house, him trying to give me the hairy eyeball but when I give it back to him times a million he quits. I still want to beat his ass. As does Danny fifteen minutes later when we find out all the shit Alfonso was supposed to take care of, he hasn't. Among other problems. Short version- the Nogales match Saturday night is off because the show has been cancelled- stories of drug related violence in border towns such as Nogales have not been exaggerated by the media in this instance. Alfonso has done NOTHING toward setting up his movie shoot this weekend that Danny and I are supposed to be in, so fuck that. Danny and I had already pulled out of the mid-week show in Hermosillo thnking it would be too much to try and fit in, when he calls to try and get us back on the card they won't let us, they're pissed cos we pulled out earlier. Fuck. I mean seriously, fuck. We're both pissed at Alfonso and at all the shit we thought was a done deal that's fallen the fuck apart on us just like that, so we decide fuck Alfonso and Tucson and Nogales and Hermsillo, we'll catch a damn bus in the morning to Guaymas (where the trios title match is still on) and just spend the week partying on the beach. Although we don't know it at the time, this is a brilliant decision that totally saves the trip. I think everything's good between me and Danny, me and him against the world and all that, then all I do is happen to mention to Alfonso I want to get a Sonoran hot dog in the morning before we go to the bus station and Danny goes fucking berserk- D: Here we are with bla bla bla bla BLA, this has gone wrong and that has gone wrong, (on and fucking ON he goes, his eyes are practically coming out of his head and the spit's flying, it's actually pretty amusing) I'm doing all the work and all you're doing is getting drunk and pissing people off (Lord, a nickle for every time I've heard hm say THAT), now you're worried about A FUCKING HOT DOG?! A HOT DOG???!!! B: Here's the deal, motherfucker. I get my hot dog tomorrow. Or you fucking die. Take your pick. Tensions are high in Tucson, folks. Stay tuned for our next exciting chapter. Later Bill
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