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4/15/03 The Damn Insane
Yes, Uncle Sam loves me HEY For you that find the above slightly irreligious, you're probably right, but what the hell. More free money, man, what a fucking scam, this beats the living shit out of working, I'm telling you. I think I understand criminals a lot better now.
Beats the piss outta social work, I'm sure. I'm also getting a shit pot full of tax money back- more than I even PAID, go figure. Man, what a country. Does Uncle Sam love me, I wanna know? Okay, I'll quit. Still, damn, free money, what a rush. Somebody told me last week I needed to get a job, which boggled my mind, since this same person was saying six months ago how great it was that I'd left my job. I'm still getting FREE MONEY . . . good gosh, don't talk to me about work. Next closest thing to free money is getting paid for writing. Still no word back from Tor about Drains- should be hearing something any time now, I'd think, it's four months plus and counting. Keep thinking good thoughts (or else start, dammit). This isn't a current events forum, unless the event is me, but one of Sarah's internet buddies is the art teacher up at Stonewall, she was telling how her five year old kid came in the other day asking if the war in Iraq would end when they killed the crazy guy. "What crazy guy?" "That guy, The Damn Insane." Ha. Out of the mouths . . .
B: Get offa me. I jab him in the stomach with the shovel handle. D: Cut it out. He does, reluctantly. D: Careful. My mom's not much better. They went up to Ohio last week to see some kinda damn thing with my sister Lori's kids in it (Lori is by default the family success at this time- Physical Therapist, pulling big money, they're putting an in ground pool behind their big house this summer, my mom said this past weekend for about the 100th time "I always thought it would be Lori who got divorced, not you", I know Ma, but you confused passion with stability, as did I). As far as this sibling competition thing goes, all I can say is thank God for Tina. Any way, my mom's talking about Lori's kids doing this show, she says, "If you closed your eyes you'd have thought you were seeing the Village People", no doubt, ma. No doubt. Actually, although I hate being watched, (to go back to an earlier theme) I can watch people work all day. They're building a house right up the road from me, the other day when it was nice I went out for a walk, and stopped and sat on the bank and watched them for over an hour. Very relaxing. They were putting the roof parts up today- those triangular things, you know what I'm talking about- when I came back from taking the girls to school, so I walked back up there later and laid down on the bank to watch them, and fell asleep. There's something about fresh air and sunshine that just lays me out, lately. Good nap, though.
That reminds me, Laura was actually in Lynda Carter's home, yeah, HER, Wonder Woman, there in the DC suburbs sometime back in the 80's when Joe and Laura were living there. She was in there all alone, unaccompanied and unobserved- I forget why, something to do with landscaping I think- and SHE WALKED OUT EMPTY HANDED. I still remember the conniption I threw. B: WHY DIDN'T YOU STEAL ME A PAIR OF HER PANTIES?! Bought a JLA/JSA graphic novel, Crisis On Multiple Earths, at BOM the other night, every summer starting in '63 DC used to do a 2 issue team up deal, and I'd always get the first one, and then be unable to find the second one. COME brings together the '63-'66 issues. I been wondering since summer '65 how "Earth Without A Justice League" turned out, and now I know. I'm a comic geek sucker for these old comics, I had a hellish fine childhood, and anything that evokes those memories like these old comics do is aces by me. They're simplistic and innocent- one story starts- "Along Route 55 an armored money truck speeds toward an oddly garbed man who is none other than Dr. Alchemy, super-criminal". Jesus, you gotta love it.
And before we move on, even as a kid I always found it a hoot that of the original 7 members of the Justice League Of America (they call them just the pc JL now, but fuck that, they'll always be the JLA to this kid) one was from Krypton, one from Mars, one from Atlantis, and one from Paradise Island. A random thought, but have you ever noticed how many alien races start with K? Besides Krypton, you got Klingons, though no Trekkie me, the Krel (from Forbidden Planet, which I watched for the 200th time a few weeks ago on TCM), the Kyban, from the classic OL "Demon With A Glass Hand" which I watched earlier this week on video, the Kree, like (Marvel's) Captain Marvel . . . no great insight here, it just crossed my mind. What's Bill drinking? Buttermilk. Yeah, I swear. Some of you are probably gagging, a lot of people don't like buttermilk for some reason, I like it just fine, drinking it right now cos I've had that damn stomach acid burn thing going the past couple days, first time in a long time, Jesus, how did I live with this shit every day, buttermilk is like a natural Pepto-Bismol (for me, anyway), it coats and protects. At least that's the hope tonight. And if you think straight buttermilk is nasty, try this. My mom is from the South (Carolina, to be exact), and she likes to mix up some cornbread batter, (NOT that sweet ass shit some folks try to pass off as cornbread), fry it like pancakes in bacon grease, crumble it up in a glass and pour buttermilk over it, shake on lots of pepper, and eat the mess with a spoon. And you know what? I do too. Horrible as it may sound, it's fucking great. TRY IT.
Started to relate the tale of Bill taking sopers, decided I'll save it for another time (besides, it's part of Why Bill Doesn't Do Drugs). Splurged and bought a couple CDs last week (BOC reissues, remixed, big fucking deal, bonus tracks, on sale for $9 is why I got 'em) and a couple FMW videos on sale for $4. Hayabusa (Japanese for Falcon, and a fucking quad now for messing up an Asai moonsault and coming down straight square spiked on his own head, no shit, a fucked up end to a very cool performer- hey, he invented the Falcon Arrow, even if mine is better) and Masato Tanaka work a great match on one of them, even if you don't like wrestling you'd be impressed by this match.
Great voice, though, and the Doors SOUND good, Robbie Krieger's SG coming through those fantastic Acoustic amps, great sound, Gary Turpin (I could tell some funny stories about him) wanted to sell me his Acoustic stack back in '80 for something like $150, which was a steal. Why didn't I buy it? I don't remember now, but a good guess would be BECAUSE I'M FUCKING STUPID. Right after the Doors, Trio ran the Cream farewell concert, and my cut up complaint is even worse on this one. They tried to cram a film that's over an hour long already into an hour space, less commercial time. What is the fucking POINT of chopping something up that badly? A lot of music critics want to crack on Cream for being "excessive", you know what, fuck them, I think Cream were great. Show (TV, not concert, it's out of sequence) starts out excellent, hammering versions of "Sunshine Of Your Love," "Politician (Come over here baby, get into my big black car/I just want to show you what my politics are), "White Room". The rest is just excerpts from jammy stuff- "Toad", "Spoonful" etc., and some interviews, where they all, even Mr. Sourpuss Clapton, came across as very personable, Ginger Baker has an apparently deserved reputation for being goofy, he reminded me strongly in this clip of Sarah's old friend Raven- why a red headed kid is nicknamed Raven is beyond me. Today they ran a Lou Reed concert from '83, pretty good, they did mostly Velvet Underground stuff which is fine by me, I like the VU about a 100 times better than Lou solo, and it was his good early '80s band with Robert Quine on lead, who I think is great, he plays leads that sound like part of the song, not that generic jack off shit so many lead guys do. After that was a Neal Young solo concert from like '71, taped for the BBC. What were you doing while I was watching them? Oh yeah, working. No, I'm not surprised that some people hate me. What I'm surprised at is that anyone likes me.
What's Bill listening to now? Beethoven's Symphony No. 6 in F. No, it's not me, Sarah's listening to it back in her room, loudly, and my CD quit, so . . . sounds good, actually (and no, I didn't know it off the top of my head, had to go back and ask). I brag on my girls, but they're neat kids. Earlier this week Sarah told me I was being arbitrary, and told her mom she thought the new house was ostentatious. That's my girl.
When I was a kid the Packers were just the epitome of sports excellence. If you played for Lombardi you were a hard assed mother fucker, whatever your size and position, and you played your ass off, and you got it right, cos he wouldn't have anything else. Never really liked them, being a Colts (that would be BALTIMORE COLTS, for you youngsters out there) fan, but you had to respect them. If you didn't- well, just ask smart ass Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, DB for the old Kansas City Chiefs, thought he was a hard ass, DBs make their reps off of slamming full tilt into guys that aren't even looking at them, that's not tough, that's bullshit, first time the Packers ran their (in)famous Packer Sweep in Super Bowl I, Kramer and Thurston knocked Mr. Limp Hammer's shit talking ass into the fucking bleachers. The second time they ran it they never touched him- he ran off the field to get away from them (and not long after retired to make blaxploitation movies, his rep as a real tough guy shattered, so he had to resort to being one on screen, the pathetic fuck). Ah, dang it- Beethoven went off, Sarah's put Queen on. We ain't listening to THAT. I like about 2 Queen songs, neither of which are on their Greatest Hits. Hold on, I gotta put something on my CD player. What's Bill listening to now? Coral, new Brit-pop band, Mojo likes them so I took a chance, another $9 CD, not bad, I thought they'd be more Psych though from the review. Got it today when I took my mom to Wal-mart. How'd that happen? Well, my mom said, "How about I stick my finger in your eye?" and I said, "How about I take you to Wal-Mart instead, it hurts about the same, but it's spread over a longer period of time" and she said "Okay." I was looking for the Cream Live on the BBC CD I saw last time I was in there (months ago) but they of course didn't have it this time, if it's not contemporary suck ass shit the chances are slim you'll find it at WM. Hey Jason- what the hell is Steve Stone doing back broadcasting Cub games? I'm really glad to see it, missed him last year when he was off sick, Steve's an unrepentant smart ass, one time when Harry Carey (RIP) said some kind of drunken mumble fuck absurdity, Steve replied "No way. And for all you Spanish speaking viewers, that's no way, Jose." Cracked me right up, naturally a bunch of whiney fucks called in to complain. What else? Got another one of those wrestling e-mails that also go to guys like Ivan Koloff and Jimmy Snuka, which I have to admit is a real kick for me. This NWN guy is about to start running shows in Ashland, probably at the Armory, probably starting next month. Bobby's not really going to wait on him, CPW is gonna run shows the first Sunday of the month, May through August, so I'll be working a match May 4th. These are gonna be outdoor shows, we're gonna set the ring up in the parking lot there where we train, they'll run from 2pm to prabably about 4, 4:30. Admission is either 6 bucks or 3 bucks, I'm not sure. You get off at either the second (from WV) or first (from KY) Ashland exit, go a few miles and turn right, you can see the building from the road, it's dead simple to find, but I'll get you out better directions before the 4th. You need to come out and see me, (oh yeah, Bob's calling this Armageddon In Ashland, the fliers should be a fucking hoot, hopefully I'll have one to put in next issue) I'm wrestling this guy called Hannibal, he does this H. Lector schtick with the half mask, this will be a rare heel versus heel match, and the DF is gonna feed Hannibal his own cannibal ass. Hannibal is actually this guy named Joe who's been training for a while but has never wrestled a match before and is scared to death, I'm just hoping he doesn't piss his pants, Mickey Watson style, in the ring. He says he's good for the Falcon Arrow, we'll see, he's gonna take one next week at training when we actually go through a rehearsal (although Bob would go crazy if he heard me call it that), okay, a training match. Bob's also been contacted by Pro Wrestling Illustrated- THE top wrestling magazine- they want to put CPW in the next guide to independent wrestling that will be out this fall, they also want bios and photos of all the wrestlers for possible inclusion in the PWI 500. Jesus- if the Death Falcon makes the PWI 500 there will be NO living with him. The girls are spending spring break with their mom, 18th through 27th, I'm going to Shepherdstown some that week. No dad along, no wrestling in Hagerstown to get hurt and crimp my fun, just going up for what I hope is a nice visit and a shit load of sex. I e-mailed Staci a while back about coming up for a night, she got back to me last weekend, said why don't you stay a couple. Damn. Don't have to ask twice. Think I'll show her The Whipped Cream Trick. Some people have been complaining there hasn't been enough Death Falcon the past couple issues, in fact, they're asking for some stories, so- Hey (WHAT?) Some readers have been asking for some war stories. (I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A WAR) It's a figure of speech . . . (ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO LORETTA?) That was me, buddy, not you. (SOME ME) Some . . . but I think they mean wrestling stories. (OH, OKAY, LOVE TO. I'M GONNA DROP OUT OF CAPS) Be my guest. (All right then . . . I remember back in '91, when the Chinese Death Falcons were invited to participate in the International Tag Team Tournament for the prestigious Transvaal Tag Team Belts, there in Cape Town. They were calling it Dark Continent Damnation on the pay per view, or something like that. Best buy rate they ever had. It was me and DF Xioa, called him X for short . . . we'd done pretty well, beat the Atomic Sheiks from Iran first round, got past the massive Indonesian team, King Dinosaur and Lord Komodo in the second, but I was sore and X was sorer. We go into the finals against the Tsavo Maneaters, War Hawk Tanzania and Kid Congo Powers, local favorites and an awesome team, they'd beaten The Flying Texas Rocket Rangers, and the much feared Black Watch, the Maneaters would come to the ring leading a lion on a chain- the Chinese Death Falcons, on the other hand, came to the ring being led on chains ourselves, by buxom half clad wenches, a practice I think I'm going to resume. I have the announcer introduce me as Death Falcon John, Lord Greystoke, The Great White Ape, and then give 'em the Death Falcon yell, which is similar to the Tarzan yell, but goes like this- FUCK YOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUO. Man, they were pissed, they came out of that corner like-) Wait a minute. (- and then I say, "Is that all you got, you Tanzanian piss ant?" and throw a-) WAIT A MINUTE. (What?) I think they meant a true story. (You never made that clear.) Sorry. (Where was I? Oh yeah, "you Tanzanian piss ant", and then I throw-) WAIT A MINUTE! I don't remember any of this. (You were sleeping. And then I throw a-) I think sleep is a good idea. (It's early) How about sedation, then? (Always up for that). Say good night, Death Falcon. (Good night, Death Falcon. And then I throw a-)
Later Bill Don't hate me because I'm getting FREE MONEY.
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Uncle
Sam loves me, this I know 
Actually,
sneak stealing, like burglary, doesn't hold much appeal for me, too
fucking slimy (hey, I walked right into that unemployment office straight
up and said "Gimme some free money!"), but I've had a hankering
ever since I was a little kid to rob a bank. "Daddy was a bank
robber/We lived on other's money"- from the unreleased "Daddy
Was A Bank Robber (Mommy Was A Skank)". Seriously, how cool would
bank robbing be, come swaggering in, "Everybody hit the damn floor!
No, I said HIT IT!", shoot the living hell out of the place, not the
innocent bystanders though, got no use for that, though if a couple of the
more nervous Nellies among them soil their drawers during the experience,
whatever. And then there's always the possibility of the repressed bank
clerk who takes off her glasses and lets down her hair and she's suddenly
drop dead gorgeous, going, "Oh please, Mr. Bank Robber, can I join
you and share your exciting and very stimulating bank robber life?",
to which I reply, "Absolutely, my dear, come on over here and hold my
gun."
Speaking
of the damn insane, my dad rooked me into doing some digging for him last
week. He's wanting to put some paving stones down in front of this raised
flower bed they got there in front of the house, a space about ten feet
long by one foot or so across, so I agreed to dig it out for him (I didn't
agree to go get the sand and fill gravel and paving stones and ornamental
gravel for him, and put them all in as well, but that's how it worked
out). I swear, the man is nuts. I go to start digging and he's not an inch
behind me.
Samurai
Jack comes on still on Saturday's at 10 pm on Cartoon Network, check it
out. Rachie and I watch Justice League now at 10 on weekdays, not a bad
cartoon, I don't like the versions of Flash and Green Lantern they're
using, Hawkgirl, what the hell's up with her other than gender balance,
and Superman's way too weak, but Batman's tough and cool as always, and
Wonder Woman's voice (Susan Eisenberg, whoever she is) is sexy as hell.
I've
gone on about the Justice Society before, about how damn colorful, even
gaudy, their uniforms were, and I never even mentioned Johnny Thunder's
pink Bahdnisian Hex Bolt (his what?!), or Mr. Terrific- "dubbed 'The
Man Of A Thousand Talents', and 'The Defender Of Fair Play'", who
wears red tights, green booties with yellow trim, this weird green shirt
with big flared collars, a red full head and face mask, and best of all,
on his stomach is this yellow baseball home plate trimmed in red with Fair
Play written on it. Man.
Listening
to? The Replacements, "Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash",
from '81 (man, it doesn't seem that long). Mostly slam bang songs, but
also the genuinely pretty "Johnny's Gonna Die" (Some people
saying that Johnny's pretty hot/But Johnny needs something he ain't
got/And Johnny's gonna die) and he did, Johnny Thunders, that is, not the
Hex Bolt guy, but the NYC guitar player, heroin overdose. I don't get
those guys, like I've stated many times before, I never was much for drugs
at all, acid sounded great but I was afraid I'd go crazy, seriously, I
figured I was already pretty damn close and why take the chance, speed,
what would be the fucking point, you know, I liked pot okay but smoking
hurt my lungs, I tried downs once, Quaaludes, we called them sopers back
in the day for some reason, that didn't work out like I'd hoped.
What's
Bill been watching? On tv, watched Hell is For Heroes. with Steve McQueen,
pretty bizarre war movie, reminded me for some reason of Cross Of Iron,
with cool guy in his own right James Coburn, he's in HIFH as well, along
with Fess Parker, Harry Guardino, Bobby Darin (?) and Bob Newhart (??).
What a crew. Tried to watch Tank Girl, lasted about 10 minutes, it sucked,
watched Death Race 2000, which really isn't as shitty as you might think
if you've never seen it, so long as you can suspend your disbelief while
watching David Carradine kick Sylvester Stallone's ass, first saw it in
this little theater in Piccadilly Circus- yeah, that one- with Loretta and
Joe in '81 as the opener on a twin bill with Quadrophenia, when the Sabres
unsuccessfully tried to invade Britain. Stupid trendy Limeys.
Watched
the Doors live in Europe on Trio, it's old, it was on Cinemax 10 or more
years ago. Sort of hosted by Grace Slick and Paul Kantner, presumably
because they were on the same tour, while I've always liked quite a bit of
the Airplane's music, I've never much cared for Gracie and Paul
personally, I've seen them frequently in interviews pull this smirking
pseudo-intellectual trip that makes me just want to kick them out of their
fucking chairs. They were okay on this, the Doors were okay as well-
although it was so cut to shit to accommodate commercials there was no
continuity to it at all. And for all Morrison's alleged live power I've
never seen it in any footage of him I've watched, he's as non charismatic
a front man as you could never want, self conscious and geeky, and the
worst dancer, bar absolutely fucking NONE, I've ever seen, he makes Joe
look like fucking Jackie Wilson (Jackie takes off on a tear in Go Johnny
Go that'll have your jaw on the floor, swear).
The
girls and I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail Saturday before last
(and ate 2 pounds of cheese sticks and 5 pounds of hot wings), they'd
never seen it, they thought it was damn funny, because it is, also
borrowed Young Frankenstein but haven't watched it with them yet. Also
watched Roger Corman's '93 live action Fantastic Four movie that I
borrowed from David, it was never officially released but versions of it
obviously exist, Corman filmed it on the cheap, even for him, so he could
retain the FF movie rights (not sure I understand that, but okay) and
eventually film a big budget version, which so far he's not done. Some
parts were so bad they were amusing, but over all it sucked really, really
hard. I can take stupid, and cheap, but stupid and cheap and boring-
sorry. They should have shot that fucking mime playing Doctor Doom, but
Sue Storm, played by Rebecca Staab, never heard of her, looked very
fetching in her spandex FF outfit.
What's
Bill been reading? Besides old JLA comics, got the new Psychotronic Video
magazine at the Huntington mall last Sunday coming back from Ashland,
(there's a picture of Heidie Klum soaking wet in a very small bikini on
the cover of some mag out this month, if it doesn't give you an instant
hard on, you're fucking dead). Psychotronic is a great magazine, I've
recommended it to you before, wonderful interview this issue with Don
Stroud, you know him, bad guy in Coogan's Bluff, been in a million movies,
played Stacey Keach's cop friend in the Mike Hammer TV series, and a stone
hell raiser in his day. Says he's been clean and sober for 12 years now,
more power to ya, big guy, I'm still working on a day at a time myself.
You can read this interview on their website- www.psychotronicvideo.com so
I'm not gonna quote from it much, but he tells this one story where he was
working as a bouncer at this bar in LA in the sixties when a bunch of
Green Bay Packers came in, pissed cos they'd just lost to the Rams, and
start tearing the place up. The owner says," Don, take care of
this." Don- "So you know what I did? I fucking split. Take care
of the Green Bay Packers?! I went next door to this place called Sneaky
Pete's and had about five martinis." Good thinking.
