|
4/23/10 The Scourge Of Mexico- Part 2
"I don't think someone abusing themselves on drugs shows how wild they are. It might determine how ignorant they are." Merle Haggard Hey Well, Merle, Mama tried. Let's catch up with recent events so we can get back to Mexico. It wasn't a deliberate tease last time leaving you all at the border, I just ran out of gas. Had MC at Mark's new place Saturday before last, Rosa wasn't there because she just had surgery (she's doing fine) Buzzy wasn't there cos I forgot to invite him (he's over it) Joe wasn't there cos he had the epizootic and Chris was there but is still having stomach issues. Smoked cigars on Mark's deck, drank black and tans and some super strong IPA stuff Ron brought. Had to report for jury duty both that following Monday and this past one but a jury wasn't set the first Monday, guy wisely cut a plea, I made the first cut of 25 but wasn't chosen for the one this past Monday which is just as well, it seemed kind of boring, somebody suing somebody over a car wreck, I was out of there by noon both days. A guy did come up to me this Monday after they'd taken roll, asked me "Did your Dad used to work for AT&T?", turns out he used to work with the old man and had a lot of nice thngs to say about him, concludng with "He was a one of a kind person, your Dad." Amen to that. Rachel came in last Friday, left yesterday, I ddn't bitch at her for her lack of contact cos she seems pretty down already, lost her job at Suddenlink- I knew a 7 am report time was not a long term option for Rachie- she's just killing time in Princeton now till she goes back to Maryland next month. Sarah and Rob came in this weekend as well with Loretta and Paul for Mrs. Hurley's 80th birthday party, got to visit with Sarah briefly- they got in around 2 pm, left out the next morning at 8 am which is better than not at all I guess. She's doing well other than being unemployed, as is Rob still. DFZ wrestled Shane Storm Saturday night in the mask vs. hair deal, fun match, got to yell "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" during it which cracked me and Shane up if no one else. Viper called this week wanting me to work a show in Indiana this weekend with him, $75 plus trans but I politely declined, I'm pretty sure those days are over, just don't have the desire to travel and wrestle like I did even a few years ago. Also my knees are hurting like fuck again. Do think I'm going to meet up with him and go fishing soon, he caught a bunch of bass last week, including a six pounder. The Bitners and Tom Collins went up to Rosa's after the party/matches for a visit, I drank a couple Great Lakes pale ales, then early next morning Sarah and Rob had to leave. Rach and I went to the Chinese buffet Monday after I got home- it was a solid food day for Bill and I ate like a python- 1/3 my body weight or more- for an hour straight, by God when I eat, I EAT, then went to see a private showing of Clash Of The Titans. Wasn't much to it- didn't expect there to be- but Rach and I had a good time watching guys with swords fighting giant scorpions and shouting out, at least I did, RELEASE THE KRAKEN! along with Liam. I don't know why I find that line so funny- (COS YOU'RE NUTS) -I guess, but I think it's fucking hilarious. RELEASE THE KRAKEN! (ALL RIGHT ALREADY) Took Rach and my Mom to lunch at Huskies down at the end of the street yesterday before Rachie left. I'm not really a hot dog eater but they do have good ones, and Superman ice cream which is apparently hard to find elsewhere and is one of Rachel's favorites- I've never tried it, it looks like Play-Do, no thanks- after her hot dogs Rach got up to get her ice cream cone- Bill's mom: What's Rachel getting now? Rachel was at the counter ordering, said the girl back there jumped a foot when I yelled, maybe it was a bit loud, but FUCK. She said the girl was all scared, "Does he want an ice-", "No, he's just yelling at my grandmother." Let's head back to Mexico. As you recall, it's still- STILL, these Mexico days were some of the longest days ever, a lot like the ones in Prague- Friday, Bill and Danny have just crossed into Mexico and Bill's hurting for a beer. It's hard to stop at seven in the middle of the day. I realize I shouldn't have started drinking so hard so early- and I mean back in 1972, but what the hell can I do about it now? Decided not to take a nap as even though it will help to pass the time I know I'll wake up with a ripping headache and an even stronger desire to commit homocide/suicide than normal. I read some, a biography of Gram Parsons- he's a twit but his biographer is an excellent writer so it holds my interest. Alfonso gave Danny a copy of the Alhambrista script, such as it is, after Danny's done he lets me read it. The good part is, after the last films political, "realistic" slant, or as realsitic as it can be when most of the characters both good and bad are masked wrestlers, this one is much more in the old El Santo vein with a mad scientist and monsters and shit. The bad news is it's terrible. Danny said, "It's like an old episode of the Keystone Cops only not funny" and I think he hit the nail right on the head. Oh well, it's still a movie credit. (FOR DFZ) Exactly, for DFZ. (You wouldn't catch me putting MY name on the damn thing). To quote one Mr. Allman, the road does indeed go on forever. MAN, that was a long ass bus ride. We're supposed to get into Guaymas about 7:30- NEVER believe what some lady behind the counter in a Tufesa station tells you, trust me on this, the bigger she's smiling the bigger she's lying- actually that probably goes for when they're not behind a counter in a Tufesa station as well- and we pull into the Hermosillo bus station a little after 6 pm which means we're on schedule to get to Guaymas on time. Bus driver says we'll be at the station about 15 minutes. Great, time for some refreshment. It would be too much to ask to expect the bus station to sell beer. Danny buys a Diet Coke and is happy as a pig in shit. He calls Diet Coke his "tonic". I call it sweet brown piss water for corporate America shill bitches. I need some fucking BEER. There's an OXXO- Mexican convenience store common as cucarachas down there- right across from the station so with Danny shakng his head disapprovingly- D: They won't let you bring beer on the bus. Motherfucker, I don't have to ask. I grab a Tecate Roja- good beer- tall boy from where they have a bunch of them on ice right by the check out. How very civilized. Hand the guy a dollar, he tries to give me some pesos back in change, "Keep it" I say, not "Jeep it" like I first typed, then walk around the back of the OXXO like some fucking Mex stew bum- (HEY, IF THE SANDAL FITS) - and pound that Tecate. Took about thirty seconds, serious- I was dry. Icy cold and delicious, it tasted so good I bought another and did it again, then went back across the street to the bus station with a quart of good Mexican beer doing its best to bring my BA level back up to where it belongs. I was gone maybe 3 or 4 minutes. D: Change your mind? He could now smell the beer on my breath. Another head shake. If I'd only known, I could have had a half dozen others cos we end up sitting at the station in Hermosillo for a fucking HOUR. Why? Beats the coctel de elote out of me, amigos. A couple times I thought about runnnig back over to OXXO and grabbing a couple for the road- D: They'll throw you off if they catch you with alcohol on the
bus. -but never did. Finally the bus starts back up and we make it to Guaymas around 9 pm. It's dark as we pull into town and I'm a little disappointed as the main street we drive in on doesn't look the least bit exotic, it's kind of old and run down, sort of like an extended West Washington Street with a bunch of Mexicans walking around. Aztec- Cesar- is to meet us at the station and wonder of wonders, he's there waiting for us. This is only because he thought we were getting in at 7:30. Never again will he pick us up anywhere near the time scheduled. Mexicans. Still, Cesar turns out to be just a hell of a guy, good looking fellow, got that Spanish aristicrat look to him (when he's not wearing one of his masks), genuinely friendly and sweet natured, generous, we couldn't have asked for a better contact person in Guaymas. Of course as soon as we get our bags into Cesar's car there's trouble. This is our first, though far from last, encounter with Mexican kayfabe- aka, THEY STILL THINK WRESTLING IS REAL. Now, this is a wonderful, wonderful thing, I LOVE it, but it can be inconvenient as we're about to find out. The hotel guy who was going to give us a free room for the week in Guaymas won't do it now. Even though he's smart to the business, he's concerned number one that people will find out we're staying there- which is not far fetched, they ran that promo we cut on TV down there a lot and we end up being recognized a number of times during our stay- and will trash his place trying to get to us. That promo pissed a lot of people off for real- and Joe, can you put it back on the site? Also he's afraid it will be held against him that he rented to us (no way could he let it get out we were staying free) and it would hurt his business. In fact, right now no one in Guaymas will rent us a room. Cesar has tried. B: Now I know what it feels like to be Ole Anderson. It feels
GREAT. Not to worry, Cesar has a friend (Cesar is connected as hell) who manages but doesn't own a motel in San Carlos, a little resort town about twelve miles down the coast who'll rent us a room cheap. Okay. We pick up a couple beers for Bill then head over to the apartments where both Cesar and his parents live, go in his parent's place first and meet a bunch of folks, friends and relatives who are just there hanging out and none of whom I can keep straight as to who the hell they are (this will sort of come back to bite me in the ass later), then over to Cesar's place right next door to meet his wife, Beri- very sweet, very cute, his two year old son Bradley (named after Boston's late lead singer Brad Delp, sheer madness) is already asleep-and then to San Carlos. San Carlos is much better at first sight than Guaymas, sort of Cocoa Beach-ish- with a bunch of Mexicans walking around. Go to check in, Cesar's friend is very apologetic that he can't give us a room for free, that's fine, how long will you be staying he asks, we decide four nights for now cos Alfonso will be comng down Tuesday morning, we can move to a bigger room there or move on at that point. Cesar's friend: Sixteen dollars. We figure he means a person a night, not a bad rate at all so Danny and I start trying to figure out the total- CF: No, sixteen dollars. B: A night, for both of us? Okay, four times sixteen is sixty
four so- That was the total for both of us for four nights. And no, you won't get the same deal or anything like it if you go to San Carlos (although you should still go). It's good to be the Death Falcon (and buds with Cesar/Aztec). We take our bags to our Room- #69, no kidding, if I ever get those photos from Danny- then since there are about twenty bars within walking distance we walk to this one that's close called either Froggy's or Foggy's, I was kind of foggy myself so I'm not sure exactly. It was okay, but it was a Corona bar- lots of bars here only serve one type of beer. Bill's not a Corona fan in the slightest, I think it's a fucking girly beer with no fucking taste or kick to it at all, just useless, so after a couple free Coronas, one on the house and one courtesy of Cesar I'm ready to leave anyway when Cesar notices some guys at another table giving us the Mexican stink eye. They've recognized Danny from the promo on TV and by extension me, Cesar heard one say, "that's the big bastard come down from America to fuck up Aztec", who they dont realize is sitting next to me unmasked and BUYING ME BEER. There are five of these Aztec defenders and they conclude that's not enough of them to try and take on the Death Falcon-which is both funny and true- so when they leave to get reinforceements we leave as well. I kind of wanted to stick around for the rumble but Danny and Cesar waved that free beer carrot in front of Bill's face and I followed blind. To a similar occurence in the next bar, Bananas, more of a tourist bar, more crowded, including some (loud mouth asshole I'm sorry to say) Americans, but AGAIN Danny and I are recognized by folks who want to form a posse and take our asses out- I'm LOVING it, Danny's like "is this the way it's going to be the whole time we're down here?!", one can only hope, but we were about ready to leave Bananas anyway cos Cesar's brother Jorge's band is about to start playing at midnight- 3 am to our still Eastern time senses, and it's been a long day- at this private club not too far down the road. Nice club, upstairs, Cesar gets us in free, got a Tecate bar and a big outdoor patio, good crowd, again Cesar seems to know EVERYONE, a couple of young girls come up to him (and us), late teens or early twenties I'd guess, denim shorts that begin (and end) at the crotch, long tan legs, these girls were absolutely adorable and they're comng at us all bright eyes and big smiles, I start shaking all over like a wet pup and going "Danny . . . DANNY'", "Let GO of me!" he hollers- then Cesar introduces us to his little sisters. Dear God. This could be a problem. Before its all over Friday could end up being a grudge match for real. I need some more Tecate- and so does Danny. Jorges band alternates between ramalama swallowed their tongue vocals metal, and covers like "Who'll Stop The Rain". Weird. Jorge comes to our table at break, sweet kid a lot like Cesar, got the Mex hipster thing going with his little soul patch, hell of a drummer and a good singer as well, all's well until he kind of squinches up his face and asks me "Who are you guys again?" I figure surely he's smart so I tell him, he jumps up all distressed "Oh no! I can't be your friend anymore!" and goes away all upset, turns out he's not smart at all. Funny. Somewhere along the way another couple girls have joined us at the table, a cute friendly one and a not so cute surly one. I figure they're also relations of some sort to Cesar so I'm friendly to both of them- find out the cute one, Maria, speaks English by pointing to Cesar and making a throat slashing motion- Danny, "Why do you always have to-" and she smiled and said, "We'll see"- but considering the fool I almost made of myself over his sisters, nothing more. About 2 am (local time) Danny and I are both pretty toasted so we tell Cesar we're going to walk back to the motel. He looks kind of puzzled, the girls look kind of puzzled and maybe a little pissed. C: Don't you like your girlfriends? I immediately LUNGED over the table, empty beer bottles flying everywhere and grabbed Maria by the wrist. B: THIS ONE'S MINE. So ends Friday. Saturday- Wake up about 10:30. Considering the metric ton of beer I drank yesteday I feel pretty good. Of course I did work some of it off . . . Won't go into too much detail but Maria turned out to be a very nice girlfriend indeed. After we'd gone once I was still in the mood but wore the fuck out- hey, it had been a VERY LONG day- so for round two I asked her to get on top- Maria: Me? (ICE CREAM CONE!) I know. Don't guess they do it that way much down Mexico way. And if you're planning on getting any loving in south of the border take Bill's advice and bring some American condoms. Mexican condoms are both thicker than shit and not very big, about like taking a Playtex glove and cutting the finger off of it. Try stuffing your dick into that and having a good time with it. You can- you really can- but you've got to work at it. And we all know how Bill feels about work. Same as he's starting to feel about working out. After dunking my head in the sink I crank out a hundred Hindus, hundred push ups, hundred frog jumps which make me so damn dizzy I call off the rest. Hell, I'm on vacation anyway. Cesar had told us last night he was going to pick us up around 11 am and take us over to his parent's house where there was going to be a big all day party for his Dad's birthday. Sounds good to me, but I'm a little hungry and a bit parched so I walk across the street to the OXXO and get a big cup of coffee- which irritates my stomach NOT ONE BIT, I try to drink coffee here and it rips my guts out, what does that tell us?- two bananas and a big chocolate muffin with chocolate chips on top. That should bring us around. Now that it's daylight and I can see our surroundings, I feel like I'm in the Wild Bunch. (I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE WILD BUNCH) Yeah, but the scenery here is spectacular, mountains and mesas on one side, the Sea of Cortez on the other, just beautiful . . . I'm a lucky son of a bitch, and I know it. Danny is sitting on our porch smoking when I get back, I'm kind of worried he'll still be pissed about last night but thankfully he wasn't. We walk down to the beach which is maybe fifty yards behind our motel. We're not dressed to swim but we do wade out to about our knees, Bill's first time in the Pacific. The water's a little cool but not as cold as say Carolina Beach at Memorial Day, plus I don't see any giant stingrays with blood in their eye coming for us like evil sea bats out of watery hell. About 11:30 Cesar texts Danny it'll be a couple hours before he picks us up so Danny and I go to this cafe so he can get something to eat. He gets some fish tacos, I get a Tecate- I already ate. His fish tacos are good, I know because he only ate two and gave me the third one, I don't know what type fish but it was in this light almost tempura batter, not greasy at all, in a soft corn shell, came with a bunch of condiments, salsa and hot sauce and such but I passed on them, no sense in pushing my intestinal luck. We walk down the street, check out this boating/dive place, they have a deal where you can go fishing for four hours, including drinks and lunch, then snorkeling for an hour, for $79. I'm all about that, as is Danny, we fucked up by not going ahead and signing up for the Monday trip, cos as it turns out we end up not going for reasons we'll get into later. Back to the room to change then down to the deserted beach for some sun and swimming. Some people stroll by, couple locals, then later a couple Americans who now live here, they all tell us we're crazy to be going in the water as cold as it is. Dudes, it fucking 90 something degrees out and to me that water is not cold at all. Back to the room to wait for Cesar, Bill gets a Tecate tall boy (12 pesos aka one buck) from the OXXO and sits on the porch reading, nice breeze out there, I really feel good. No, GOOD. Relaxed. No word or show from Cesar so Bill gets another tall boy and continues reading. About 3 pm Danny wants to see if we can find a bar to watch the WVU game at tomorrow. Well, good luck with that, and I could not give less of a fuck about WVU anyway, but he said the magic word, "bar" so I tag along. We hit a couple just in and out, no luck, then go in this kind of trendy looking place, but it's got a couple flat screens behind the bar showng ESPN so we sit down and order-Tecate for Bill, Diet Coke for Danny- while Danny chats up the bar maid to see about watching the game there tomorrow. She's amenable, but unsure if they can get it, only way to find out is show up tomorrow and see. Danny decides to move on and check out some other bars- there are like a million along this stretch- Bill decides to stay and drink and chat up the bar maid further. She's not bad looking, American, spacey as fuck but I don't care, she's got a nice ass, we talk about this and that while I drink a couple more Tecate- I'm the only person at the bar at this point- I ask her what she thinks of wrestling- Spacey: I don't have any time for that bullshit. I'd just finished my beer, figured I was going to get asked to leave, but instead she goes all smiles- S: Wow. You want another beer? Strange. We talk some more but the bar starts to fill up a bit so I give up on it. Danny comes in- D: You about ready? Well, she hears THIS and comes over to us. S: Did you just call me a burnt out hippie bitch? Danny smiles cos he thinks I'm about to get blasted. B: Yes. Danny about falls off his stool. She invites us to this wedding reception that's going on tonight somewhere down the beach, we in turn invite her to Cesar's Dad's party- it's now about 5 pm and Cesar has texted he's on the way- SURE you are, buddy. We each decline the other's offer, but agree to meet back in front of this bar at 11 pm tonight. B: So we're on for later tongiht? Jeez, whatever. Never saw her again. I didn't make it back by 11 pm, don't know if she did or not. Easy come, easy go, I guess. Odd as she was, it's probably for the best anyway, she might have tried to take me back to Mars with her or something. Cesar does pick us up about 6 pm and takes us to his parent's place. Meet Cesar's Dad, still another sweet guy, 51st birthday, happy birthday senor and many more, then we go out to the patio around back where a bunch of Mexican guys in their forties or so are sitting around drinking beer out of plastic cups. Cesar: You guys want a beer? There are a bunch of Pacifico 40 oz in a bucket full of ice so I grab one up, crack it, say "Cheers" to everyone and take a healthy swig or two. Good beer, but then I notice everyone is staring at me, Danny's giving me his hard look, and I realize they meant did I want a plastic cup of beer, not my own forty. Hey, fuck that plastic cup shit. So I laugh, they all laugh and everything's cool. Nice guys. Cesar's sisters stop by briefly on their way back to school- University something- but I have to say I was relieved to see the backside of them, so to speak, cos they were just too, TOO cute to be safe around a drunken Death Falcon. And it wasn't just my lech ass, it was Danny's too, when they first showed up he looked at me and went, "They're KILLING me," and I know exactly what he meant. Jesus. Cesar's uncle?- some guy had gone out that morning and caught a couple yellowfin tuna about three feet long, they've got a charcoal grill going as he pulls the first one out of the cooler. Everyone else goes upstairs to the front balcony but I stick around to watch this guy cut up the fish. Except every time he takes the knife to the fish he looks at me and goes "I'm so sorry" in this super creepy Peter Lorre voice. Sandra Lee he ain't. I go upstairs as well. Creepy uncle splits the fish and puts it on the grill skin side down, then tops it with this salsa like stuff, sort of a spicy ranch dressing base with tomato and green pepper and onion and garlic and cilantro and stuff on top, it smells CRAZY good. We hang out and drink beer for a while, the Pacifico ran out pretty quick, they had no idea who they'd invited over to drink, Danny and I walked down to the corner to the Modello store (cos it was closest) and got a case of Modello- again a good beer, all this other Mex beer was tons better than that Corona piss, when we get back they're passing around a bottle, I think it's tequila, no, its fucking Jack Daniels. Go figure. They go to pass it to me. Danny: Don't give him whiskey. Seriously. Don't. Cesar translates. Mexican guy laughs, so do his buddies, and he hands me the bottle anyway. Danny: Okay. When he's throwing you fuckers off this balcony and out into the street don't say I didn't warn you. Actually I was already feeling no pain and didn't need the whiskey but I took a huge swallow anyway just cos I knew it would wind Danny up. About then this really attractive lady in her mid-forties who I thought was Cesar's aunt but who turned out to be his Mom brings us up plates of fish tacos. I don't want any- I'm drinking- but I get handed a plate anyway, and while everyone else got two, my plate holds four. I look at Cesar, like what the fuck, he goes, "Machos eat lots of fish." Danny; What'd he say? I didn't want them but I have to say they were GREAT, that fresh grilled tuna with that weird but delicious salsa mix, again on soft corn tortillas, them's Good Eats Alton Brown. And I made sure I gave Attractive Lady an extra big and special thank you smile when she collected my plate. Then it's more drinking, and still more, Danny and I went after a second case of Modello- least we could do- and when we get back this time they've grilled the second tuna and I have four more fish tacos waiting for me. Man, I REALLY don't want these, I've already got beer up to my eyeballs, but I don't want to be rude and there is that whole machos and fish thing to consider. I put all four of them away and they don't sit all that well, which is why I HATE to eat when I'm doing some serious drinking, even a freak of fuckng nature only has so much room in his FOFN stomach. All would have been well- or better anyway- if I'd turned down that damn bottle of JD when it again made its rounds. I take a swig, it hits bottom and comes right back up, bringing a bunch of fish tacos with it. I keep my mouth shut so it goes up into my nose and I'm thinking shit, these fuckers think I'm strange now, wait till the see me spew a gallon of beer and half digested fish taco out my nose, and this is NO way to impress Attractive Lady downstairs. I pinch my nose shut- Danny: What are you DOING? Luckily things stabalize and I'm able to suck it all back down- I know- but it was a close thing. And don't nobody EVER try to feed me fish tacos again when I'm drinking, I don't care hiow damn attractive you are. It gets to be around midnight and the Mexicans are all hammered, one of them pulls out a guitar and they start crooning these old Mexican songs. "Sounds like a bunch of fucking dogs howling" I say right about the time a song ends so they all hear me and Cesar translates, Danny again with the "Why do you" but the Mexicans all just laugh. They were an easy going bunch, which is a good thing. Not long after that Danny and I are both ready to go, we're not the first to leave, people have been trickling away for a while. We say our goodbyes to all the crew, nice bunch of fellows, again wish Cesar's Dad a happy birthday, when I look up and see Attractive Lady coming at me to say her goodbyes. And she's got her kissy face on, I SWEAR. I figure ALL RIGHT, machos indeed, so I go ahead and lock up with her, give her a great big kiss, tongue and all. I don't get any resistance so I figure it's all go, but when we break- man. I thought everything got quiet when I popped that Pacifico. Now it's ten times that quiet and all I can see is a balcony full of gobsmacked Mexicans with their tortilla holes all hanging open and Danny gapng at me with this mixed look of horror and amazement on his face. Danny: Oh. My. God. Well, what can you do at that point? I gave her a big smile and a wink, shook Cesar's Dad's hand- he seemed more bemused than upset- and as we started down the stairs all the other drunk Mexicans once more started laughing their pickled brains out. Cesar met us at his car- Bill: Uhm, sorry- Cesar takes us back to the motel, I check out my rendevous spot but as it's 1 am Spacey is not there, if she ever was. There's a strip club a few blocks up the beach Danny wants to check out, I'm kind of tired. B: I think I'll pass. I went to bed, Danny went to the club. We still have more than an entire week of our trip left to go boys and girls including tomorrow (Sunday's) visit to both the Royal Men's Club and the Underworld. Tune in next issue for another exciting adventure. Until then- (RELEASE THE KRAKEN!) Release the Kraken. Later Bill
|
"There is no moral in this story; it is not bourgeois; it does
not say they were wrong to play when they should have toiled; it
just tells what the consquences are." Phillip K. Dick, A Scanner
Darkly 