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6/27/05 Planet Of The Death Falcons
Yeah, I know it hasn't even been a week since the last one (although you old timers, especially the ones going all the way back to this thing's twisted origin 3 1/2 years ago- Lord- should remember when NL's came out whenever the drunken whim hit me), and Joe's probably pulling his thinning crop of peach fuzz out by it's barely attached roots, since he hasn't gotten the last one posted yet (he says to tell all you Joe fans who've been bitching at me that he's not getting enough illustrations in recent newsletters that he's in a slump, and you can either weather it with him or run up an alley and holler fish, so I pass that along- I think he's been hanging out with some crabby ass guy too long, myself- and to Joe, if you have nothing else planned for tonight when I stop by you can work on the site then, other than beer, which I think you said I needed to bring, I'm a big boy who neither requires nor expects further entertainment). So- why so soon? Well, that mother fucking Death Falcon has not only taken over my recent life, he's taken over the NL as well, got in here last night after being gone since Friday morning and there were- hold on, I'm gonna go back and count 'em- okay, there were nine, seemed like more, but nine is still a bunch- messages wanting to know how the DF did this weekend, especially in respect to how his (my) knee held up. I could answer everyone individually, but I'd rather do it like this, and so answer EVERYONE, whether you asked, or even give a shit, or not. What'd Bill do between last NL and going to Martinsburg (with my Dad, remember?) Thursday, Rachel and I watched "National Treasure" on DVD, it was actually decent, I didn't expect much cos I normally don’t like Nick Cage, I can't stand when he plays a tough guy I just don't don’t fucking buy it, same when he plays a heart throb, please, but he was like nerdy Indiana Jones in this, like I said it wasn't at all bad. Then Rachel and I went down and spent the afternoon and night with Al, he wasn't too bad, I think having Rachel there was good for him. Rachel and I met Chris and Debbie for lunch Friday, then, after Deb went back to that place where she spends her weekdays, met Ron, who took the afternoon off- work sucks, but if you've got to, be a boss- "I'll be gone for a few hours- keep doing whatever it is you do until I get back"- and we walked over and saw "Batman Begins". Okay, I didn't hate it. As a movie. It still ain't fucking BATMAN, though. Good script, good look, good acting (but fuck that Bat Tank thing, it's the fucking BatMOBILE), if you go see it I think you'll like it, especially if you don’t see it with a chip on your shoulder like I did. Of course, you probably don’t go through life in general with a chip on your shoulder like I do. At least, I hope you don't. Went up to Chris's afterward to drink a (as in one) beer, a Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald Porter (everyone made comments about the sinking feeling it gave us, ha ha, not very funny, I agree), it was good, but porters aren't my favorite, and watched some of the always fine Batman animated series, and then some of my much missed Samurai Jack, which was an absolute visual treat on Chris' giant screen, and had your boy Bill pining for three special letters . . . Then Rachel and I (yes, we are busy little social beavers, thank you) met Impetuous and went over to Martha's for dinner which, as predicted, was excellent, as was, also as predicted, the company. Had a (as in one) Red Rooster, vodka, cranberry and orange frozen into a slush, quite nice and refreshing, Impetuous liked them as well, as did Rachel, since, being the wayward Dad sorely lacking in parenting skills or good example setting that I am, I let her have one also. Rachel went home with Impetuous Friday night, I went- elsewhere- went by my parents house Saturday morning to pick up my Dad. Sarah was coming into town that day, we were going to meet Loretta and Paul (see, no nicknames, against my very damn nature I continue to play nice) along the way and have Sarah join us and ride back up with us for the matches, she changed her mind and decided to just ride all the way in with her mom and spend the night with my mom, which turned out to be the best decision for all concerned. I was in a purified shitty mood that morning, wholly unrelated to my Dad, and wholly related to my being a masochistic idiot, who devoutly (I belong to the Church Of Doing Stupid Shit) refuses to leave any scab unpicked, so things didn't start off well between us- Dad: Can you get my bag. Well, that pissed him off, as I guess it should have, there was no need for me to be pissy toward him other than my own evil nature- he didn't make my problem- so we go around a little bit and I tell him I'm sorry, and instead of dropping it he accuses me of being so pissy cos I'm hungover, which pisses me off, cos I'm not, a beer and a drink do not a hangover make, and I resent the assumption, so then we go around about that for a while, then we get settled and on the road. Going to Martinsburg always starts my Dad down that old Nostalgia trail, which usually doesn't bother me, he can tell a story that will have you busting your damn gut without having a clue as to why you're laughing, for some reason this trip he was all about the wild times, running around with Dickie (back in those days you could be called Dickie without people being assholes about it) Russell and Carl Hanburger, and some guy named Ike something who went out drinking with them one night and disappeared- this was in DC, circa '54-'55, after my Dad was married, but before I was born, when he worked 3 to 11 and then apparently partied all night- I got it fucking honest, Loretta- and Ike's wife swore they'd done away with him for his money, Ike showed back up two weeks later, he'd stolen a motorcycle and gone to Indiana- where he'd never been before- why'd you do that Ike?, "I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time", sounds like my type of guy, and the time they drank all the beer in this Chinese restaurant and wouldn't leave till they got some more beer, so the guy who ran it pissed in a bottle and tried to serve it to them, I guess trying to offend them and get them to leave, wrong move, apparently they tore that place apart around his ears . . We get into Martinsburg and he's gone from carousing stories, to wanting to talk about the women of his youth, which has got me squirming, you better believe- B: Have I not already told you ten times I don't want to hear this
shit? Beside, you're supposed to be giving me directions to the
Apollo.
It was another absolutely GREAT match, I enjoyed the absolute hell out of it, a big part of any good match is your quality of opposition, and CI are a pure joy to work, young and athletic and eager. And the DF is SO FUCKING OVER in Martinsburg, it’s insane, even I don't even get it, he had a fucking FAN CLUB of about 15 young guys there, all kinds, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks, they brought signs and shit, bought all the shirts and mugs I brought with me, I could've sold twice as many, easy . . what a fucking ego boost. And when you've got a bunch of people going crazy for what you to, you tend to do crazy things. As noted last issue, Saturday night it was me and Danny working our boys Crucial Impact in a hardcore match, so I brought the barbed wire bat and kendo sticks along, it was also to be a tornado match- everyone in the ring at once- and those things are just chaos, there's just no way to script them close cos it all falls apart once you get in the ring, you just have to improvise, which had Danny sweating gumballs, cos he still really needs for things to be tightly scripted. Since a weapons match provides a legitimate and believable avenue for smaller guys to beat up bigger guys, and he was such a genuine crybaby about it last show, I told Danny I'd take the big bumps in this match. Everyone was required to gig, so I set it up for Doken to post Danny outside the ring, this way Danny could hide under the ring and do his dirty work, since this was his first time gigging- he was going to pop his cherry, as we say in this oh so classy biz- and he was a little unsure of himself, I told him to just stay down and sell, then asked CI, "What big double team moves do you do?" and their eyes light up like evil little kids on Christmas. CI: We do a double spinebuster. (This hurts, as you have only one
spine) Before the match Danny has to come out and get on the mike and give another one of his damn speeches- he does it before every match, drives me fucking crazy- he's going on, and on with this one, I mange to get the mike away from him, and- DFZ: And after the show, Danny's buying pizza for everyone at Pizza
Hut! He had all KINDS of people coming up to him after the show wanting to know which Pizza Hut he was buying at, so hopefully he's cured We work the match, like I said, it was a beauty, Mike Trash, who has this wrestling radio show somewhere in PA, was there taping the show for DVD, so I should get a good copy of it down the line, which is good cos the stills on the site are terrible, not just our match but for the whole show, no action, and you really can't see how bloody the whole fucking show was, after each match the guys would come to the back, each bunch sweatier and bloodier than the last, I was trying to pump Danny up , "Man, we're gonna come back the sweatiest and bloodiest of 'em all!", it didn't really have the desired effect, unfortunately. I was going to gig off of a hit from the barbed wire bat, I told Kano, "Don't just tap me, man, you gotta hit me". Fucking shit- that little son of a bitch damn near broke my arm- WHAM. Give him points for enthusiasm, though, got a big black bruise on my upper arm, and enough holes from the barbed wire I probably could've gotten decent color without gigging, but I did anyway. Exacto knife blades- positively the only way to go, I will never gig with anything else ever again. The blade's thin, and just sharper than shit, so you can go really deep without it hurting all that badly- stings about like getting a shot, and not even one of those killer yellow fever shots, just like the tetanus shot you should get before you start trying this stuff at home, kids- and get some amazing color, bright red, and the shit really flows, I would puddle in the ring every time I'd stop moving, but then afterward all you've got are these thin little cuts that close right up. Neat. Normally, once you've sliced yourself with it, you flick your gig out of the ring to the side where there's no crowd. Since the ring was surrounded by chairs on all four sides, I told the ref, after I gig you need to come down and check me, and pick it up, he says cool, so after I'm cut I drop the gig, he stoops down to get it and, used to those little chips of razor gigs, goes "Jesus Christ, it's a fucking KNIFE", I don’t know if the crowd heard, but Kano did and started laughing his ass off- till I cut him off with a jawbreaker and took that damn bat to HIS ass- and again, I can't go on enough about what good kids they are, just game as fuck, at one point I put the stop sign on his face and did the old Bombs Away onto him, later in the back he was like, that was awesome, dude, we finished the match with me giving him just a brutal chair shot to the head- I figured he could take it- then shoving Danny on top of him for the pin. There's this poser dude, Gothik, who hangs out at HoP as a manger, pretty big guy, maybe 6' 2", sort of husky but flabby, looks tough, all tatted and pierced up, but you talk to him for 20 seconds and you realize he's really soft as fucking butter, and he talks WAY too much, and above his station, he goes around giving unasked for advice on how to work to all the HoP trainees at the shows, he came up to me the first show Danny and I worked there and starts running his mouth, I asked- B: Are you a worker? He also has this repulsive habit of constantly standing around and rubbing his pierced nipples, Danny jumped on him for it the other night, "Dude, you have got to STOP THAT". Gothik was going to manage CI for this match, and kept trying to involve himself backstage before hand, I'll do this and that, I'm like, nah, nah, then inspiration hit, I told him, "Okay, yeah, after I cut Kano off and you see me standing there with the bat, that's when you jump up on the ring apron."
After the match we hit the back, I'm just covered in blood, Doken and Kano are covered in blood, even piss boy Gothik is covered in blood- and poor Danny's standing there with this tiny trickle on his forehead, it never even reached his face, it ran about two inches and petered out. DF: What the fuck happened to you? Pop a pimple? He was quite abashed, "I dug and I dug, but that was all I got" I didn’t see his gig, someone else made it for him, but if he really did dig, and I believe he did, he definitely needs to go longer and sharper. I'm gonna get these Crucial Impact kids to come down to Charleston and work the Grapes, that's a show you won't want to miss, also gonna get NWL/HoP Tag Champs the Goodfellas down as well, Deuce and Little Shorty Smalls, who's now just Shorty Smalls, soon he'll just Shorty, and then I guess nothing at all, they're good guys and good workers as well, and will be a nice change from the same old guys that work around here all the time. And I know it's all about my ego- (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT)
Mountain State are kind of upset with me for passing on the show last Thursday, and the one this Thursday as well in Mt. Hope, they're wanting to start a run working the Grapes against their current tag champs, Hamm and McKeever, I told' em not to book me for the Thursday after this as well, July 7, as I had a valet gig already lined up, but they did- apparently Danny told them we'd be there, this is why I give him so much shit in the ring, cos he DOESN'T LISTEN- and the DF is already on the damn poster, so I don’t know what the fuck I'm gonna do on the 7th. The Lesbians From Prague came up to Martinsburg again for the matches Saturday. Amazing. These girls are fucking FANS. Actually, to be clear, there were two Lesbians From Prague, no, technically, one LFP and one Bisexual From Prague- and I could go ahead and use their names, I guess, but I think it adds to the epic feel of these things if the characters in them have titles instead of names- who each had girlfriends back here, the two who keep coming to the matches are the BSP and her girlfriend, from here on known more succinctly as GF. We all went out for beers after the show, me and Danny, both of our Dad's, and BSP and GF, quite the damn crew. By this time I can hardly walk, my legs aren't numb anymore, that only lasted a few seconds, but they're still all tingly, unpleasantly so, and my back is hurting like a bitch- but my knee is relatively okay, not even hurting as much as it was the evening before at Martha's so I guess things balance out, I think there's only so much pain you can feel before shit starts canceling other shit out. We ended up at Legends, this country karaoke bar- ugh- but I drank lots of beers, most of them free- don't you wish you were a celebrity?-although I insisted on going back and forth from the table to the bar to fetch for everyone, so my back wouldn’t stiffen up any more than it already was. I'm going to the bar with my arm still all messed up, and this scrape over my eye where Doken super kicked me in the face, there was this fairly drunk woman sitting at the bar, older, which means she was still maybe ten years younger than me, not real pretty, she had sort of a hard look to her, but I think she may have been pretty once, I noticed she'd been eyeing me each time I came back for more beer, finally she asks "What happened to you?" B: Some guy hit me in the arm with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed
wire. And this other guy kicked me in the head. So she kisses me above the eye, and even on my nasty looking arm. DW: Did that make it feel better? We had a great time at Legends- and no, she didn't bite (so to speak) on the balls gimmick- much better than I expected to, my Dad can't drink because of his diabetes, so I bought him a cheeseburger instead and he was happy. The BFP is actually quite the singer, she got up and sang "Harper Valley PTA" and some song about being a redneck, and then a very well done and sexy version of "I Touch Myself", a very sexy song, to me, at least (some people think it's vulgar). I requested "Stand By Your Man", but she said somehow she just couldn't get behind that song. Danny suggested he and I get up and sing "I Got You Babe, " I said, "Works for me, Cher", he said, "Maybe we won't". Went back to the house and stayed up till four drinking Molson's and shooting the shit, I'm getting to know BFP and GF pretty well, very nice girls, like them both a lot, also I was too sore to sleep, took a very LONG, very HOT shower when everyone else finally went to bed, tried to lie down after that but my back was hurting way too much, so I got back up and read till my dad got up around nine. He looked me up and down as I hobbled to the car and remarked, "I raised a damn idiot"- no argument here- and we left. My Dad asked me down the road D: That couple from last night, they married?' He thinks a minute. D: Doesn't matter to me. I like all people ickly. Later. B: I'm gonna stop at this rest stop up here The girls are both in for the next two weeks, makes all the fucking difference in my life, I've spent more at the grocery store this past week- got some of these Mexican soft drinks for the first time, that they sell individually at Kroger, kind of syrupy, but different, and I like different- than I have in the past four months, and have definitely cooked more meals. I had to talk to Loretta again on the phone since the last NL, and she's not still just doing that sweet shit, it's like she's all interested in me and what I'm doing all of a sudden. Not just "How are you?", but "How's the writing going?", "Did you have a good match last night? Where are you wrestling next?" and "How's the movie business?" (?!). I swear to God, I've been thinking, and I think Loretta has missed me. Seriously. Not the me she hated, but the fun me, cos I don’t think there's a lot of pure fun in her life anymore, not like the kind we used to have (and I don’t mean just that, either). Paul may be responsible and reliable and all that shit, but even Loretta will tell you that he's dull (cos she has). And you know, there's responsible, and then there's responsible. Loretta: I thought you said you were going to cut the grass? L: I thought you said you'd go to the store? L: I thought you said you'd get the car inspected? L: I thought you were going to hold this family together, going to
work every day as our sole means of financial support, while doing all
the housework, and lawn work, all the cooking and clothes washing and
housekeeping, as well as 75% of the child care duties, for two solid
fucking years, while I have my "nervous breakdown"? And I did. Maybe I WAS a pain in the ass about the little shit, but I've never sweated the little shit, and when it comes to the big shit- and I know the damn difference- you could do a hell of a lot worse that to have Bill fucking Bitner at your back. So there. Last issue isn't on the site yet, so no entries in the "Guess The Superheroine" contest- except Joe's winning one, but don't let that stop you, if you submit a correct guess I'll- do whatever I said I'd do last issue, I forget. We might get it up tonight, we meaning I'll drink beer-maybe, I think I still have a beer drinking day open, I need to check. And I'm gonna have one of the girls help me get that other scan out to Joe, so there should be a "Guess The Superheroine" with this issue as well, Zatanna, you tell me who she looks like in real life. Man, I also shot myself in the foot big time by not coming home Friday night. Last Monday night when we were in the strip club and I was talking to Molly- nice, traditional name- about being in the movie, Danny- quite smartly, and rightly- cautioned me about pitching her too strong, he said just present the opportunity to her, then let her get back to us, and that way we can see if she's really interested, or just gong along cos we're here and she's wanting to get some bucks out of us. After she said she was interested I got him involved, we gave her our phone numbers and e-mail addresses, Danny also gave her the address to his site so she could check out that he's a legit move guy, not some porno dick. We didn't ask for any contact info from her, told her if she was genuinely interested in being in the DF movie she could get in touch with either of us, and get to us then. I was crying the damn blues in Legends Saturday night, cos we never heard back from her. Then I get home last night to find I've got a message from "Jynx", I thought it was one of those porn sites that slipped through the filter, I almost deleted it, but checked it out anyway- and it's from Molly- aka Jynx, her stripper name, which she either never told me, or I forgot. It was, "Hi bill, sorry I didn't get in touch sooner, can I still be in your movie? Please get in touch with me when you're in town this weekend", and she gives me her phone number, and home address- which I could've had FRIDAY NIGHT, had I been here. DAMN it. I checked with Danny, he never heard from her, just me- and I'm not kidding myself in the slightest, I'm sure it’s simply all about being in the movie, perfectly fine, I got no interest in getting involved emotionally with a stripper, I dated a stripper briefly at Marshall and it ended badly, my biggest problem with women, absolutely, is that I always- ALWAYS- overestimate my importance to them. Sucks. But I continue to do it, to this very- and I mean, THIS very- fucking day. I didn’t want her to think I was blowing her off, so under the pretext of taking a shower last night- it was not a phone call I want the girls listening in on- I went in my big bathroom/weight room and called her. I told her I was sorry I missed her e-mail- oh Jesus, am I sorry- she said she was too, we talked some about the movie, she said something about getting implants- she was thinking about it anyway, not for the movie- I told her to wait till afterward, if she got them first I didn't want her, I also made sure she didn't have a boy or girlfriend who was going to have a problem with her doing what she's going to be doing in this movie- she doesn't, and we'd already established Monday that she didn't have a problem with it, so it looks like smooth sailing there. Also, and I know this sounds like a scam, but Danny is the one who told me to ask, and he says it's legit in all movies, I asked her if she'd be okay with us getting together- just me and her- Danny didn't specify that part, but what the fuck- so I could take some promotional stills of her for pre-production purposes- hey, if a photo of her won't get you to invest, nothing will- and she said that would be just fine, we could take them at her apartment. Then she asks- M: Do you want me in my outfit (one of the things I like about this
Leggz is the girls don't start out naked, they work their way to it,
as it should be, Molly- or Jynx, it's probably like a Bill/DF thing-
has this killer outfit she dances in with these knee high boots that I
am all fucking about), or nude? Or both? Oh my gosh, what was that
noise? Did you just fall out of your chair? I like to end on an amusing note. Here's another one.
Didn’t Jughead pull that one fifty years ago in Archie comics? Later Bill laer 
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Hey
The Apollo theater is a damn surreal place to wrestle, I checked
the dedication plaque when we got there, it was built in 1912, classic
looking old theater- with a damn wrestling ring set up on the stage,
surrounded by about 75 (sold out, we had a great crowd, over 200
total, and they are all about the DF) folding metal chairs, later
during the match I could look up and see all these people in the
balcony, watching us hitting each other with ball bats and shit-
bizarre.
So the sucker does it, as soon as he did I ran over and hooked him
legit, pulled his throat down across the top rope and threw my weight
across his shoulders so he's choking for real, then took that barbed
wire bat to his forehead and gave him the head scrub from hell. The
blood didn't run, it fucking SPRAYED, and he starts howling like some
damn dog (or that hillbilly on the old Mountain Dew commercials). I
shoved him off the ring apron onto his ass, and I'll bet it’s a LONG
fucking time before his posing ass wants to work another match that's
got the DF in it. He was in the back crying to Rambo, wanting to be
taken to the hospital (?!), Rambo told him to get the fuck over it.
Good for you, John.
-but I cannot believe how popular the DF has been lately, purely on
his work rate, hardcore legend Axl fucking Rotten, who's going to the
WWE for 30 days starting 7/11, complimented me on the match, and
remarked how over I was. The CPW (WV) promoter was there Saturday
night, he wants the DF to start working for him in Keyser, said he'd
put the hardcore strap on me on his very next show, 7/16, if I'd come
up, some guy from Hanover PA, said if I'd come up to his Fed I could
work names. All very flattering, but it's just too far to travel, and
I can barely maintain the schedule I'm on now.
Rach had a recent French final, one of the questions on it was,
"You've just returned from a French speaking country, write your
best friend a letter telling them what you saw and did". So
Rachel did. In English, which, this being a French class, means she
got a 2 out of a possible 25 points. When her French teacher asked her
why she didn’t write her essay in French, Rachel told her "My
best friend can’t speak French".