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6/3/03 Are You Breathing?
"The best time to kick a man is when he's down. The best place to kick him is in the balls. Oh yeah, and Gandhi sucks." Death Falcon Zero Hey So, almost two weeks since the last pulse pounding issue- I remember when I was cranking these out two a week- and what's Bill been up to in that time? Mostly, being the laziest bastard in the world. Or maybe it's the pissiest bastard in the world, I can't figure out if I'm being more lazy than pissy, or more pissy than lazy. Either way, I haven't been worth a damn. For one thing, I feel like home made shit. That's something we used to say back in the 70's, children, I don't know why home made shit would be worse than store bought, it's just something we said. We used to talk fecal a lot back then, you'd say something off a bit and you'd hear (I heard this a lot) "You shittin' me?", to which the correct response was "I wouldn't shit my favorite turd." Oh, we were a clever bunch back then. To define a little, I got no fucking energy but I can't sleep, and I don't wanna do fuck all. I'm barely working out, not writing a lick, it's all I can fucking do to be bothered to lay on the couch and watch a movie or look at a book. Yeah, I know, sounds horrible, doesn't it? It's nice I at least have the option of just laying around, I'll admit, but this lethargy from hell trip I'm on right now isn't a lot of fun for me or those who have to put up with me. My mom, of all people, along with a couple of others, keeps telling me I need to get a woman, but you know what? I'm just not, if you'll pardon the expression, up for it. If it's someone I can just run into and tumble into bed with like Alternative Girl or Staci, that's fine, but if it’s gonna take any real effort on my part- I'm just not interested. Probably not a good sign, but there it is. Once mauled within an inch of your fucking life, twice shy.
Rachel and I fished off the inner dock (Aline's got a whole damn harbor complex in back of her house) for a while Saturday, between us we caught about a dozen sunfish (Rachie caught most of them) in less than an hour, actually kind of fun on my ultralight trout rod, kept a couple of the smallest for catfish bait later that night- in the early morning you can see some monsters there in the shallows- but it rained like hell that evening and night so we didn't get to. It's nice down there, very relaxed, Aline is very sweet, Sarah thanked her for "being so hospitable", that's my well spoken girl. My mom and I stopped out at the CL library the other day and the lady out there (also known as the librarian) had a note in a manilla envelope for my dad, confirmation on the dates he'll be coming out there and teaching that defensive driving class (man, I KNOW) this summer. My mom, being my mom, opens it up, looks at it for about 5 minutes like its written in Sanskrit, then hands it to me. I took a pencil there at the desk and wrote YOU ARE A STUPID DUMBHEAD on the back, then stuck it back in the envelope with that side facing up. We go home and I give the envelope to my dad, "Lady at the library sent you this." He opens it up and I see his face starting to get red, then "What the hell!" he explodes, "I've always been so nice to her, blah blah crazy talk blah-" Man, he was livid. My mom takes the note and says, "She didn't write that, Bit, Bill did." At that point I'm already heading for the door, but I still hear, "You goddamn smart ass! If you worked half as hard at anything else as you do at trying to be funny, maybe people could stand ya!" Have to admit he has his point.
Frightened eyes look to the skies
What's Bill listening to? Nothing. Need to buy some new CDs, think I will, think I'm gonna order some Deviants and Bevis Frond and Sensational Alex Harvey Band off the Internet as soon as I get done with this, seriously. What the fuck, it's only FREE MONEY, and when it's all gone- I'll worry about it then, HA. Already spent $30 at BAM last week buying this MASSIVE book on punk music, it's not that I love pm that much (although some of it I do) but because the whole punk thing brings the years 77/78 back to me very vividly, and those were 2 of the best years of my fucking life. Maybe I do look back too much like I've been accused of, I don't know, but if going back in my head for a couple hours makes me feel better for those couple hours, then what the hell, I'm there. Drinking? Green tea. Had an ugly episode out here last week were I'd been drinking and got pissed off at the girls (much as I love them and sweet talk about them, and they me, we still aren't the Cleavers by any stretch of the imagination) and went in the music room and slammed the door all the way through the fucking frame. Not trying to come off as Tarzan, it was a healthy slam but it wouldn't have fazed a good solid door and frame. This poor baby, however, is a wreck, you can pull it out into the hallway- the opposite way from how it should open- enough to get in the room, but shit, the frames all bust and the hinges bent and twisted. Mr. Fixit, aka, Joe has got his work cut out for him (hey, I only bust 'em). Sorry I didn't think to include this before Jason went to the beach, but most of you haven't been yet this year, so here's something to think about while you're in the surf. "- the shark came the opposite way and went under me about eight feet down. It came out of the blue like a rocket and grabbed him (Bartle). It moved so fast that by the time I looked back it had Bob in it's mouth and was shaking him like a leaf. It broke Bob in half and rose up at me with Bob's legs and flippers sticking out of it's mouth. Bob's upper half floated to the surface . . ." Yow. That's what happened to Bob Bartle who was spear fishing off Perth Australia on 8/19/67. There's some question as to whether the shark that bit him in half was a great white or a tiger shark- the guy who was with him was obviously a bit shook up, although he did have the balls to put his spear in the shark's head, which he said had "no effect" Jesus, he even retrieved Bartle's spear gun and tried to use it to put a spear in the shark's gills when it swam within five feet of him with Bartles legs still sticking out of it's mouth, but admitted he was shaking so hard he missed- hey, perfectly understandable, big guy, this is the condensed version, the full tale- this is a composite from Shark Attack Files and Greatest Shark Stories, will make your blood run fucking cold- before taking off for shore, anyway, he thought it was a huge tiger, and as it was never caught- he went right back with some guys in a boat, the shark was still swimming around the same area, they got the line from the spear embedded in it's head wrapped around a stanchion on the boat and tried to haul the shark in so they could kill it, I hope they had fucking machine guns, but the shark busted the stanchion off and swam away- but either way it was a huge fucking fish, every bit of twenty feet long. And people ask me why I hate the fucking things. Speaking of things I fucking hate (master of the segue, I am) I'm at the point right now where just the sound of Loretta's voice on the phone sends me almost into a psychotic episode. I'm not kidding. I'm almost afraid what I might do next time I see her. Don't worry though, you won't have to testify about this newsletter foreshadowing, cos if anything does happen, I'm sure I'll still be standing there with her bitten off head clenched between my teeth when the cops show up- probably surrounded by a cheering crowd.
For you sports fans, DF0 wrestled former WCW wrestler and CPW big dog Bobby Blaze to a no contest in Ashland last Sunday. I think Joe's putting a picture of Mr. Blaze taking a sidewalk slam (not the DF's best move, but it seems to be the most photogenic) at the head of this issue. It wasn't a great match, but it was okay, I did get to pop him with an exploder. Bobby decided he wanted to call it at the last minute, and he made me look a little awkward a couple times when he changed things mid-call, you're gonna sell a face shot different from a chest or stomach shot, but I think I can probably tell a lot more than someone just watching it. Joe and his brood were there again, as well as Jason and Chris K., the DF thanks you all for your support. Bobby called for another one of those everyone in the ring at the end things which I hope he quits doing, cos they just suck. I rolled under the ring for a while to try and stay out of it, then got in and had Bobby throw me out and told Hannibal, c'mere and put the sleeper hold on me, so I was able to sit out the rest of the mess, at the end, to break, I told Hannibal, okay, eye poke, which means put your hand up, about the time he says "What?" I poke, and got him good, he goes staggering off, "Goddammit, you poked me in the EYES!" Sorry. Best part of the show was goofy little Scab as referee, his two checks were "Are you breathing?" and "Do you give up? Do you give up now?" in a Russian accent so bad the crowd, such as it was, was hollering "Go back to Germany!" (!?). Jesus Christ, shit like that is why I love indy wrestling. Rachel thinks the DF should replace that serrated white thing on the top of his mask with an actual saw blade. Not a bad idea at all. And people think she's the nice one. Hey, don't forget the cookout the 14th, I'll get directions and starting times and such out in the next day or so. Later Bill
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"We are constantly being astonished these days at the amazing discoveries in the field of violence." Mohandas Gandhi 
Hasn't been all laying about with attitude (and I'm not the only one with an attitude around here lately), the girls, my dad and I went back to SC Memorial Day weekend to get my mom, went down Saturday, came back Sunday, all I could handle. My dad needed a new car for the trip (long story, maybe another time) he ended up buying this Cadillac dirt cheap from this widow woman he knows. He kept dragging his feet about buying it, wouldn't say why, finally he says, "I don't want people to see me driving around in it and think I'm a pimp." Dear Lord. My dad the pimp, what a fucking image. Any way, he bought it, and it was like driving the fucking starship Enterprise, call me Sulu, or was it Chekov, which one of them actually drove the damn thing, that would make my dad Captain Kirk The Pimp, the images keep piling up, and anytime I got within a hundred feet of another car he'd start going "Careful, careful-" You know how hard it is to go south on Memorial Day weekend and not get close to any other cars? I'll careful him.
Watched Rebirth of Mothra I, II, and III Saturday on Sci-Fi from 11am to 5pm. That's a lot of Mothra. The old Mothra was one of my least favorites, all she did was sort of flap around, but this 90's version is like Mothra on drugs. She's got this really neat new psychedelic orange and blue paint job on her wings, and now she can shoot rays out of her antennae, and her head, and from under her wings, and all sorts of places. Some are straight like laser beams and some are like lightning bolts, and they come in a host of exciting colors. She can also split into like a billion little Mothras, or turn into Aqua-Mothra (?!) with this big fish like tail, and if she flies around real fast in a circle she can go back in time, or something- this is some bizarre shit. In RoM III she even beat King Ghidorah (aka Monster Zero, the DF's favorite kaiju) which old Mothra could never have done. Those two little singing girls ("MosuraaAA, Mosuraa") are still around only now they have an evil sister who looks just like Loretta with epicanthic folds, I fucking swear. If I had a working remote or a lick of energy I probably wouldn't have lasted through all three, but what the hell, I'm a better person for watching them.
Also watched 99 and 44/100% Dead one day last week, weird early 70's (as stated before, one of my favorite time frames for film) deal with Richard Harris as this Irish hit man brought over to help win this turf war, with Chuck Conners playing this one handed sado-pervert hit man working for the other side. Okay as a movie I guess, but the reason why you should watch for this boys is that is has three, count 'em, three stiffeningly good looking women in it, none of whom I've ever heard of, Ann Turkel (sounds familiar, but I think it's because of Joe Turkel), Lisa Heiden, and Katherine Baumann, again, sounds sort of familiar, but I didn't recognize her, pretty early on she comes out in this V-neck green minidress with nothing underneath it, well, there's plenty underneath it, she's just not wearing any underwear, and let me tell you, boys, she''ll get your blood pumping, trust me. And yeah, of course I checked the credits.
Watched a little of Valdez Is Coming early this am, couldn't sleep, bad headache, lay on the couch and sort of drifted in and out, it's a classic revenge western from '71 with Burt Lancaster (doing a horrible Mexican accent) where he's crucified and left for dead but he gets better and comes after the fuckers who Jesus'd him. Sort of fell asleep so I'm not sure how it ended- well, yeah, I am, I'm sure Burt killed all the bad guys, I'm just not sure how.
