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7/16/07 I Shall Destroy All The Civilized Planets
"I guess it's a good thing for the economy, but it's nothing to me. I'M NOT GOIN'." Ron Montgomery on WSAZ news, asked to comment about President Bush's July 4th visit to WV. You tell 'em, Ron. Hey Hope everyone is having a good summer- I am, not getting much sun, haven't been swimming yet one time, supposed to this weekend but it fell through, but I'm having a good time overall. My only complaint (cos you know I've got to have at least one) is that the damn thing is half over already, and it seems like it just got here. Whatever . . . Sarah is having a good summer, besides socializing like crazy, she got a B in her Internet summer school class- it was this crazy ass philosophy class, trust me, a B was a very good grade in it- she's already done all her computer work for both jobs and made some good bucks, and thanks to the time taken, and expert driving instruction given, by her Daddy ("Just hit the fucking thing." "Drive faster, Sarah, dammit. FASTER." "Yes, it IS TOO okay for the passenger to be drinking. Check your driving book. Not NOW-") since she came home in May, Sarah passed her driver's test Saturday back in Baltimore. Good for you, kid. As for Rachel, she continues her Summer Offensive through Eastern Europe (take no prisoners, baby doll), she's been to Berlin, Desden, Prague- (WHERE I'M THE BADDEST-) yeah, we've heard, also Krakow, now she's in Warsaw . . . jeez. She
says she's having a wionderful time, no doubt, wish I was there, there's
an internet site where you can follow her group's progress, but it's all
this happy face shite by one of the group leaders (by her account all they
do is eat and look at shit), I'm sending Joe a link so he can put a photo
on the site. I admit to being prejudiced- (I THOUGHT WE WERE TOLERANT?) -not in this case, cos I think my youngest daughter is a pretty, pretty girl. (I SECOND THAT- AND I AM TOLERANT). As expected, there was a lot of positive feedback about the DVT photos last issue, I concur, however . . . while I know it's an easy thing to run your mouth when you don't have to back it up, I had photos of the ex that would have you looking at Dita and going "Meh . . . " but again, you'll just have to take my word for it. (LIKE THEY DO FOR EVERYTHING ELSE) Exactly. Also got some comments on the Riverfest photos, one person said, "Looks like it was a rough match", no, not at all . . . oh, you mean for Allen? Yeah, I'd say so. Also got a letter (before corrections, i gt a keeter) from a guy who said his great uncle used to tell a very similar story to the one Robby's asshole buddy Dan told, about our almost atomic bombing of China, his uncle was at some air base in Japan at the time, coincidentally- maybe-uncle's story also specified forty B-29's taking off at 4 am. May just be a Korean theater urban legend that went around back in the day, but then again, both of these guys supposedly were going to participate, it wasn't something they heard from someone who heard it from someone who saw Mothman while Bill was passed out drunk in their car. Saw in the paper- sometime recently- that one man blood bank Clarence Plumley is now up to the 36 gallon mark in blood donations. Sweet Jesus on a waffle, after two hundred eighty eight donations, where the hell can they find a place to stick him that's not already scar tissue? You're the man, Clarence, straight up. And the rest of you, get off your asses and give, you expect Clarence to do it all by himself? (SOUNDS LIKE HE'S UP TO THE CHALLENGE). Indeed it does. No recipe this time, but a food to avoid, stay the hell away from the chicken salad wrap at Arby's, it has apples and grapes and walnuts in it. Yuck, phooey. Of course I ate it, no picky eaters allowed in this club, but I didn't much like it. Like Sarah said, "I don't want fruit salad mixed in with my meat salad." Exactly, baby, I couldn't have said it better myself, unless it would be to say, "I don't want any fucking fruit salad mixed in with my fuckng meat salad, you fucking assholes." And I don't. I don't know what's up with Al, whether some latent thoughts or repressed memories are coming to the surface of his sinking mind- Al's brain is the Titanic, Alzheimer's the iceberg, he said to me the other day when he semi-realized he'd asked me the same thing- "Where the hell's my billfold?-" five fucking times in less than sixty seconds, "Every two minutes my mind goes back to zero", a very sad, very apt description of his condition- or what, but he's had queers on the brain a lot lately. He called that innocent bystander queer in Bob Evans about a month ago, we're having breakfast last week- Bill: You going to finish your pancakes?
Again last week, it's just the three of us there, I'm on one of the machines, Robby is way over at the other side of the room, with his back to us, when Al hollers "Stop staring at my doodle!" I hadn't even been looking at him, much less his doodle, when I did, he's not looking at either Robby or me, but off to the side somewhere, so I have no idea who he was talking to. He didn't say it again, just sat there drinking his Coke . . . who knows? (YOU'RE A PINK TOOTHBRUSH, I'M A BLUE TOOTHBRUSH). Okay. He's just really out of it in general, we were watching IFL one afternoon, they show the stats for the two guys, Al goes- Al: Look at the size of that man, he's six feet six!
Briefly going back to Al, I forgot, somoene wrote in saying how I brag about not having a job, but what is Al? Well, I have to admit, Al can definitely be a job of work, but hangng out with Al just doesn't seem like a job to me. I mean, it is, it's not something I'd do for fun, but other than me having to stick with Al, he and I can do pretty much anything we want, go to the VFW or a whorehouse or whatever, or not, as we so choose. So in that respect it doesn't seem like work, cos there's not a lot of that "have to" shit involved. I make no bones about it, I don't like getting up early, but my biggest problem with having a job is the whole "have to" aspect of it, I fucking hate 'having to". I'm more of an "I'll do it if I feel like it" kind of guy, with a job you have to be where you're told to be, when you're told to be, doing what you're told to do, with the people you're told to do it with, you HAVE TO, cos that's what a job is . . . fuck that. I mean, sincerely, FUCK THAT. Boss: All right, Bill, on this job, you have to drink beer and eat
pussy.
Forgot to mention, Sarah and I used the massages that Joe and Laura got me for Christmas last year, dear God did mine feel good, she worked on my neck for close to half an hour and it's the best my neck had felt in years (hurt it again in Rand last Thursday, thank you ever so much, Eric fucking Steele). I have to say, that hour on the massage table is the fastest hour ever, she's like "time's up", I'm thinking "no way, you just got started" but alas, she was right and I was wrong. Again. What's Bll been watching? Buncha shit indie movies Danny loaned me, they're so horrible it's not funny, Swamp Zombies, redeemed only in the slightest by Jasmin St. Clair's wholly gratuitous shower scene (for big fake tits, they're not bad), and Vampire Whores From Outer Space, made locally, apparently I'm supposed to be in the sequel, Tina was out here yesterday asking me about it, she was in the Empty Glass (she should get her mail delivered there, seriously) and the guy who's making VWFOS II was in there talking about it, she overheard him say "yeah, and Danny Boyd is going to be in it, and this wrestler called Death Falcon Zero", so she asked him about it and he said yeah, we were in it. Fine by me- might get some action out of it, I figure girls willing to portray VWFOS are DFZ's kind of girls- but this is the first I've heard of it.
What's Bill been reading? Finished The Terror, as feared it went south well before the end. The thing killing the sailors turned out to be this Eskimo god-monster-demon beast. Meh. Listeng to? Not much new, still had an old SSSLB Groundhogs double live CD I haven't mentioned yet, heard about them but never heard them before I got this, OLD Brit power trio, been around since the late 60's, not very well known over here- you ever heard of them? Not bad at all, not very Creamish in the psychedelic sense, they sound more like a revved up Savoy Brown, I bet you'd like this, Dave. What's Bill drinikng? Well, it was green tea and Fuze drinks till I started this thing, cos it's been a wet weekend (tonight makes four in a row) but I don't seem to be able to start a NL without cracking a few beers first (or, precorrection, crakcing a few berte), by this point it's some kind of conditioned reflex. So, Bill's (still) drinking Rolling Rock. Like I said, a wet weekend, worked in Rand last Thursday night (Allen has moved the XMCW shows to Thursdays now for reasons that make sense only to him), Ritchie- Cuban Assassin- (VIVA LA CUBA!)
Friday, had the day all to myself (my Mom was in Ohio at Lori's), got my work out and then writing chores done early- I finished the end of July deadline stuff weeks ago, I'm almost done with the stuff that's due at the end of August- I had a big stack of magazines, as well as some graphic novels from the library, all piled up here cos I haven't had time to get to 'em, so I put a case of Rolling Rock in the freezer, pulled a bunch of summer CD's off the wall, and between 3 pm and 3 am, sat and read and listened to upbeat summer songs and drank a case of beer. Some people might call that a wasted day. I enjoyed the hell out of it. Saturday night I ws invited over to Africa Mike's for dinner, ate, then sat out on his deck drinking beer- we both forget the cigars, damn our hides- for a while, when I went to go home Sig, Mike's wife, gave me all the stuiff leftover from dinner- a big tub of homemade BBQ, pasta salad, there were like six ears of fresh corn left over that she cut off the cob cos I'd said my Mom couldn't eat it on the cob- how very nice, I just meant, go ahead and keep it- as I'm driving my Mom home form Lori's today I mention we won't have to fix anything for dinner tonight, we can eat the leftovers Sig sent us, and good stuff it is, I run down the list of things Sig generously sent home with me, my Mom goes "She didn't give you any slaw?" There you go, my Mom summed up in a sentence. Stopped by Joe's today on the way back from Ohio to pick up some stuff
he printed out for me, looked at some photos of hs sailboat, not sure if
I've mentioned it in here before or not, but if not, Joe got a sailboat.
Show 'em, Joe. The bad news is that because of that he sold the Retro
Queen, I understand why, he doesn't need two boats, but its still a shame
(for me, who had neither to pay for nor perform the maintenance on the
always needing something RQ). I went out on Nameless (Joe hasn't settled
on a name for her yet, personally, I think Death Falcon Zero Rules The
Motherfucking Waves And You All Fucking Don't is pretty peachy), one time,
didn't really warm up to her, compared to Mama Retro I found her a bit
close and lacking in comfort. But I have to admit, she do look fine. (YOU PREFERING COMFORT TO LOOKS IN A FEMALE. I'VE HEARD FUCKING EVERYTHING NOW). Sailing makes me think of travel, as for mine, I'm still all about going to Colorado in October (you think we could stop in St. Louis while I made a phone call?), Belize in January I'm not so sure, it was originally going to be a friend and family deal, like the Tanzania trip, but now I think Danny's planning on opening it up to anyone who wants (and can afford) to go, like the Prague trips, makes it better for him financially, but if that's the case, I'm gonna bail, don't really want to go to Belize with a load of turistas, especaily some of the turistas I've been told might be going. Am I an elitist fuck? In some ways, absolutely. Am I a clueless, loud talking, guide book holding, camera around the neck gringo turista? Fucking never- and I dont want to take any trips with same. "When I was born, my Momma looked at me and she said, 'Oh God, he looks like a saddlebag face!' But she said, 'Saddlebag Face, I love you!'" Blackjack Mulligan What the FUCK? Still watchng those old school promos on you.tube, can't fucking stop, all these old wrestlers either drunk as piss or just plain nuts, or both, Joe, if you could link that one promo here that would be great so they can get some idea of what I'm talking about, in that same BJM promo he complains that Bobby Duncum hit him so hard he "misplaced mah dang liver" and gave him "neuricahler damage of the brain". That would explain a lot. DFZ wrestled twice in Parkersburg on the 4th, an afternoon and an evening show, VERY tired coming off two straight days and nights at Al's and then driving to Parkersburg, but I did them non-assisted, good for me, and my cold, cold heart. Had a bunch of goofs from Cleveland come down for the show, I've never known a wrestler from Cleveland yet who wasn't a dick and these guys didn't break with tradition, even the guys who weren't out right jerks just TALKED TOO MUCH. The afternoon show was okay, had a hundred twenty five people there, DFZ won a battle royal (have I mentioned that I hate them? Although I did use it as an opportunity to stiff one of those big mouthed Cleveland fucks) to set up another shot at Johnny Lightning (now going by his shoot name Brandon Morgan) and the NBW belt, evening show was hot, sold out, 300 paid, another good old school match- I had him in the abdominal stretch for three minutes easy, and the crowd ate it up, this kid sells great- as well as another really good payday. The finish is supposed to be Danny gets up on the apron and grabs Brandon, I come charging in, Brandon moves, Danny and I collide, I feed around for a top rope cross body ala Ricky Steamboat and he gets the quick pin. I don't know what gets into me sometimes, I really don't. Instead of taking the spot nice and easy, like I should, spur of the moment I decide to hit the ropes full speed, and come back at Danny like I've got a rocket up my ass, he was telling Robin about it on the phone later, he goes, "and I look up and here Bill comes FLYING at me" instead of a soft worked bump we could have done I throw my knee up and jump into Danny as hard as I can, instead of just dropping off the apron like he's expecting to he goes SAILING out into the crowd, making this WAAAUUGH! noise, I imagine like what Scrooge McDuck did whenever the Beagle Boys would get into his vault.
Danny asked the same thing later, "Jesus, what was up with the finish?" "That's how we do it, dude, it's gotta look real". "Okay . . . but then I don't want to do that finish anymore, a guy could get hurt." A guy could, yes. But it was fucking FUNNY. Jake the Snake was a nice enough guy for what he is, which is a burned out husk, he actually took to Danny and I, I guess it's that geezer identification thing, we got a photo with him (free, he charged everyone else ten bucks), I'll have to get Danny to send it to Joe (Jake is tall, 6'5'', easy). Jake can't move faster than a crawl now, pun intended, even five minutes of that had him super blown up, red faced and gasping, I give Viper TONS of credit for carrying Jake to a halfway decent match. After the show Danny and I walked around City Park there for a bit, there was a BIG carnival going on, but really, the two best ways to enjoy a carnival are as a sixteen year old, with a hot sixteen year old of the opposite sex on your arm, or as a parent with a couple of young kids in tow, since we were neither, I said let's get drunk and hit the strip club. The bar next to the Econolodge (and yes, I WAS all eat up with nostalgia being back there after the many, many nights I spent there while working at Abraxas, but I'll spare you) was closed for 4th of July- what better way to celebrate out country's birth than drinkng, I say, CLOSED?- (FUCKING COMMUNISTS) -you got that right, so we bought a twelve pack and went back to the room to get tuned up before going next door. There was a Twilight Zone marathon on, and after getting settled in I could have quite happily spent the night in- by this point I was fucking TIRED, children, on top of everything else, it was hot in that Pavilion- but Danny wanted to go look at "cookies", so after knocking back our twelve, cookie looking we went. At The Gentleman's Club. I didn't see gentleman one, but okay. A slow nght, I guess again due to it being the 4th- (NO DRINKING, NOW NO STRIPPING? WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS?) -I know, man, I know. Small crowd, only three dancers working, Sullen, Surly, and Pitiful, all of whom looked better with their clothes on. We only stuck around long enough to watch each of them dance once, no real thrills there, while she was tryingto hustle us at the bar Sullen offered to come over to the Econolodge later, I respectfully declined cos one, she was talking money and to be honest, I don't think she could have afforded me, and two, while she was the most attractive of the three, she was still not my type. However, after we went back to the motel I did get a great night's sleep, seriuously. I'm running down, I knew when I started this one I couldn't go real long tonght, but I'm trying to get the issue count back up. Maybe have them be not as long, but more frequent, like, would you rather have sex three times for ten mintues each, or once for half an hour? (YOU ASKING ME?) I'm not asking anyone, it was a rhetorical question. (COS I'D RATHER DO BOTH). I know that, which is why I wasn't asking you. I'm done. Any closing words? (STOP STARING AT MY DOODLE) I can't help myself. (SHE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANY SLAW?)
I'm gonna follow that sun I've had enough of getting shot in the head. Later Bill  |
Baby, do you want to take a ride with me? 
On Tuesday afternoons we've been going with Robby to the YMCA there in
what used to be Huntington High, Robby has a membership, they just let me
and Al in with Robby for free, which is genuinely nice of them, Robby does
the Stairmaster for a while, I work out on some of the Nautilus stuff they
have there- I have free weights at home- tried to get Al on one of the
treadmills, set it super slow, after about 30 seconds he goes "This
damn thing won't stop, you gotta keep walking, this is nuts" hopped
off and wouldn't get back on, "You're crazy" he tells me, fair
enough, so now he just sits and drinks a Coke and watches me and Robby,
since there's usually no one else there on Tuesday afternoons. Fuck, it
gets him out of the house.
And speaking of records, somebody Chestnut beat NL fave eating elf
Takeru K in this year's Nathan's hot dog eating contest by putting down a
truly unbelievable 66 hot dogs and buns- HOW?- to little Tak's 63. That's
insane. I think both of these guiys need to take a look at the photo of
the python that exploded trying to swallow the alligator.
What's Bill been doing?
As for the Huntington movie mentioned last issue, Johnny Boy,
shooting starts this week coming up, I should have read the script before
I agreed to be in it, plot wise it's not bad, although a pure vanity
project for the guy playing Johnny, but the dialogue is dire, real people
don't talk like that. Still, other than Johnny I got the best part in the
movie, I get to beat the piss out of old John (and fuck his sister-
unfortunately off screen). What the fuck- it beats not being in a movie.
came in, after the matches he and Danny and that real big girl Susan
who takes the XMCW photos- she's annoyingly giggly, goofball company, but
no one had the heart to tell her she couldn't come with us after she
invited herself- and Devin Davis and I went over to Hooters where they ate
and I drank, I thought I was going to get more help than I did, so I
ordered two pitchers up front, Ritchie and Danny both drank one glass each
and left the rest for me. Okay, cool.
Fortunately, neither Danny nor the people he landed on got hurt (and
no, I don't think about these things before hand . . . THINK?) and I got a
good laugh out of it, as did both Brandon, and John the ref, who was
laughing his guts out ("What was up with THAT?") while he was
trying to make the count.
Sorry.