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7/20/06 Days Of Future Pabst "You goddamn Nazi Frankenstein monkey- don't you ever LEARN!" Hellboy
Unfortunately, in my experience at least, no, goddamn Nazi Frankenstein monkeys don't ever learn, they don't learn a fucking lick, nor do Death Falcons, or certain guys named Bill . . . all part of our charm, as far as I'm concerned. Judging by reader's response, last issue was our most popular one for a while (not like I'm cranking them out like I used to, we're almost into August and this is just 2006's 16th issue, including two of strictly photos, by this time in 2002 I was on issue 27, a year in which I completed a total of fifty-of course, as my good buddy Gatsby once said, the past is another world, they do things differently there) popular I guess cos it was tagged as being funny, or even hilarious, as more than one satisfied customer noted. Hey, I live to please. Also, not a single soul, not even my most liberal eldest daughter, busted on me for the "all your gay friends" stuff, I guess cos everyone truly understands that I'm so fucking tolerant, tolerance just oozes from my pores along with the beer sweat I did get another one of those fan letters so true to my heart, wherein the (invariably female) writers thereof want to discuss me as much or more than the NL contents, and they always seem intrigued, if not down right perplexed, by the old Bitner dichotomy, in this writer's case how your humble scribe comes across as being so "rough and ready" (remember Ruff and Reddy? Really? Then you're fucking old) "yet strangely fragile", fragile my ass, I'm not the world's most masculine man, but I know what I am, and goddamn, I'm a man, and so's DFZ. And we aren't FRAGILE, okay? (TOLERANT, NOW . . . ) Oh yeah, we got tolerant up the ass. But fragile, no. She also reported after reading last issue she tried making a Jesus biscuit (I love when that happens) and dubbed the results "not very tasty". Thanks for the warning, not that there was ever any danger of me baking one anyway. She also observed that I was obviously well educated. Not to pick nits, dear heart- (NO, GODDAMN, YOU NEVER WANT TO PICK AT A NIT, ESPECIALLY ONE OF THE RED BELLIED ONES-) Shut up! We're not doing another issue of "DFZ's Insane Kingdom". Anyway, I'm not that well educated at all, at least not formally, from about sixth grade on I couldn't much stand school, bored out of my fucking mind through most of it, in later years it became a good place to meet girls, or hook up with my buds to go get buzzed up, but inside the classroom, I just couldn't be bothered, and I've got the shitty high school grades to prove it. However, I am "wildly intelligent" as I was flatteringly (and accurately) called by Impetuous a few years back, well read and well traveled, a freak of fucking nature in more ways than one, and a bon vivant par excellence- (FOUR FRENCH WORDS IN A ROW! WHO THE FUCK'S TYPING THIS!?) -sorry, anyway, I personally don't consider myself well educated. You must be a fairly recent reader cos I mention my English major past quite a bit, so, I have a B.A., the gentlemen's degree, not a grubby blue collar B.S., thank you very much . . . this being typed on a keyboard so sticky from beer spray from when I'm sitting here cracking PBR's (like now) its like, well, I was going to reference spiders but had probably better- (SPIDERS! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SPIDERS-) NO! I bet you were a hoot in biology class. (I WAS THE BIOLOGY CLASS). I have no idea what that means, and I refuse to pursue the subject. Before moving on, let me say it was a long and engaging letter, more like the ones I used to get in the earlier days of this thing, now it's all daft stuff like (besides asking who types DFZ's lines, lord) "Have you ever seen a shark attack" (as I thought I made clear last issue, no, and I hope I never), "How many cars do you think you can you total before you end up getting killed?" (If you mean me, infinity, if you mean you, who gives a fuck?) and "Do you have a big one?" (none of your business, but send me $500 and I'll send you a picture and you can decide for yourself). We left in two separate cars One headed for Baltimore One headed for Mars Lot of people been coming in on my side recently in the 30 Year War (aka Bill Vs. Loretta), sorry, but it really doesn't mean much coming from you people who never met her- or me either for that matter- you're just basing your opinions on the spew I put in here- but Laura was taking up for me the other day, which was nice, as she's never really been one to cut me any undeserved slack, and even went on to say that what I've put in here regarding the resumption of hostilities has, to the best of her knowledge and observation, been not only accurate, but not nearly as ugly toward Loretta as it could have been. I'd just as soon let the subject drop, I will say the girls were supposed to come in for a long weekend next month, which was cut down to a weekend, and has now been reduced to not at all. Rachel will spend all of one and one half days of her summer vacation in WV. I have no further comment. EXCEPT to note that Loretta's current rampant materialism shouldn't surprise me, she was like that the whole time we were married, all the time going, "Bill, give me some money, Bill, give me some money," I mean, night and fucking day, "Bill, give me some money" . . . (WHAT DID SHE SPEND IT ALL ON?) Nothing. I never gave her any. (HA). The big multi-birthday party for all the guys turning 50 this year (as
well as Ron) will be at Joe and Laura's August 19th, at first I was a bit
. . let's say uncertain, about Laura as hostess, since her idea of a party
tends to run more toward Spongebob and Squarepants, while mine is more
Sodom If I want to have a party of superhuman debauchery (and who knows how I'll feel then?) I can always have it on my real birthday in December (the coolest of all months). So, come out to Joe and Laura's August 19th. How about some updates on some friends (and not friends) of the NL? Doug the Lug, this is Africa and Prague Doug, not MC Doug, went down to Texas a few months ago and won some national power lifting title- a total of 1704 pounds in his best three lifts (dead lift, squat and bench). I am very impressed. And I meant to put this in a while back, he went back to Prague this spring, I ran into him not too long after he got back and was asking him how it went, he said not nearly as wild as last year, no shit, I asked him if he managed to get laid while he was over there (if you can't get laid in Prague, you're hopeless), he looks a bit chagrinned, says "Yeah, but just once . . . technically, I think she was a dwarf." I can't tell you any more than that, cos I started laughing so hard he got offended and shut up. Hell, it's not the dwarf part I found amusing, it was the "technically". You should remember six months back- doesn't seem that long ago to me, but you know how I am- I told you DF Sean had gotten stomach reduction surgery. Got an e-mail from him a few weeks ago, he's lost 103 pounds. Holy fuck. Good for you, Sean. Tina's ex-boyfriend Vince, who again I always liked even if he was a total goofy fuck - if you remember, she kicked his ass to the curb for his constant drunkenness- got busted for DUI and lost his excellent paying job driving trucks. He's screwed. I hate it for him, but not as much as I hate the thought of his impaired ass behind the wheel of a big damn truck. Lastly, long time reader's should remember Aline's son Tracy, who got on my last nerve when we visited Rock Hill the last few times doing his "poor me" lay about thing in Aline's basement cos he was just crushed by his recent divorce, lost his job (when you quit showing up, that'll happen), expected Aline to support his sorry ass indefinitely. He wrecked Aline's only car about a year ago, the cops found all kind of crack and paraphernalia in it, he got away with probation, Aline scrapes some money together and buys another car, loans it to Tracy a few months ago to go to Roanoke for a "job interview" which was either to buy or sell a bunch of crack, he gets caught, he's still in jail up there, and this time it doesn't look like he's going to get away with just probation. I hate it for Aline, cos she's as sweet a soul as there ever was. As for Tracy, fuck him. I never liked him anyway, even when he was a kid. I will say, though, it is a pretty sad and scary fall, five years ago he had a good job, nice home, a wife, two kids, never been in any trouble with the law in his life- now he's got none of that, he's a homeless unemployed fucking crack head headed to jail. And he's no kid, Tracy's like 40 or so. Not much to say about my parents this time around cos it's all been bad. Just sick to fucking death of them, and of being here. In a little over a week it'll be a year since my Dad's stroke. Seems like ten. Part of it is just my Moms unappreciative, hypercritical ass- she'd meet Jesus, first thing she'd say is "I thought you were taller"- she told me the other day, "You're not a compassionate person" I so wanted to say , "Maybe not, old woman, but I'm all you fucking got, so SHUT THE FUCK UP" but didn't. Al's not doing well either so going down there is anything but a respite, I doubt Al has enough functioning brain cells left to fill a hamster's skull- (MAN, YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR THEM HAMSTERS-) I know, I know, they'll poke you in the eye and steal your credit cards and spawn in your arm pit hair, they're absolute bloody terrors, I KNOW, but we’re talking about Al here, okay? (WHATEVER. BUT WHAT I COULD TELL THEM ABOUT HAMSTERS'D BE A HELL OF A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN TELL 'EM ABOUT AL). That I don't dispute. Anyway, Al's a mess, I think the only part of his brain that still works is the part that tells him to piss all over himself every twenty minutes. Not being a compassionate person, however, I don't really care. "You can't get the aroma in your house unless you're doing the deed." Rachael Ray I see where our girl Rach is now getting her own talk show. Someone else will have to tell you how it is, cos I don't watch talk shows. What's Bill been reading? Got a bunch of, a bunch in this case being four, Hellboy comps from the library, good stuff, comic Hellboy is your typical Ben Grimm funny man tough guy- Big Giant Monster: I am GOD! -for some reason I find that insanely funny, the movie could've used more funny shit like that. Read a biography of Clive Barker, pretty dull, the guy wanted to go off into all this analytical horse phlegm of Barker's books, I HATE that kind of shit, looking for symbolism and all that crap, I had to take a class like that in college to get my English degree, "Literary Analysis", fortunately it was being taught by my favorite instructor there at Fairmont, Professor Grattan, cool guy, blows my mind to think he must be in his 60's and retired by now. He's the one who got me the scholarship to go to graduate school in Iowa that I turned down- a free ride plus $400 a month, what was I THINKING?- and for some reason he liked both me and Loretta quite a bit, this was my last semester there so I knew him pretty well at this point, but the class was just suck city, we'd read something and have to analyze it, often out loud in front of the class, he'd always call on me cos he knew how much I thought this stuff was a crock, he'd ask me what a story was about and I’d go "it was a story about a horse" or whatever, and he'd go- his favorite phrase. "Explicate, please" and at that point I'd just say fucking whatever came into my head, making it up as I went along. Loretta also had him for a class that semester and they were talking one day before class, Loretta remarked she couldn't believe how well I was doing in his analysis class, she said Grattan told her, "I know that everything Bill says once I ask him to explicate is bullshit. But it's such creative bullshit, and he pulls it off with such panache"- (STOP WITH THE FUCKING FRENCH, ALREADY!) -excusez moi, but that's why the Barker book was boring, and again also why I could never get on with school, after grade school I never really felt like I was learning anything, how to bullshit?, sorry, I knew how to do that while I was still swinging from mommy's tit. That's your mommy's. Also read a "memoir" by Isaac Asimov, in it he says "the day I pay attention to critics is the day the sky falls", I hear that, see, I'm just some guy who tells you what he thinks about books or movies or whatever, I don’t care if you pay any attention to me or not, "Critics" actually think that their opinions matter, which makes them some of the stupidest fucking people on the planet. Asimov's megalomania can get annoying- (UNLIKE YOURS, I PRESUME?) -exactly, I know two people who met Asimov and they both said he was one of the most overbearing assholes it was ever their displeasure to encounter, but the memoir itself was pretty entertaining, he takes the piss out of a lot of his fellow SF writers, that's always fun. Uncertain love fills my head with doubt, What's Bill listening to? A couple more SSSLB CDs (hey, I haven't paid more that $4-$5 for a CD in ages, I've got some coming that cost quite a bit more than that, but we'll get to them next issue or whenever), a Grin best of that I got specifically for the great "Love Or Else" which wasn't on the other Grin comp I got years ago, Grin remind me a lot of Faces in that I could take all of their stuff and make you an absolutely killer comp from it, or I could make one that would bore you, or at least me, to fucking tears, both of those bands, when they suck, go off into this early 70's shit faux country-ish sub Eagles crap that I just fucking loathe. Uhmm, sorry about that "faux", by the way. (YOU'RE KILLING ME). Also listening to a best of Lee Michaels, who? you youngsters might ask, you oldsters should be familiar with his '71 hit, "Do You Know What I Mean", another great song, built on a pumping piano/organ riff so simple I could play it (and have, and we all know how much I like that organ pumping thing all kidding aside) funny/sad lyrics about getting ditched (She said you'd better find yourself another girl/Better find another girl/Better find yourself another place), even without the personal ties to my misspent youth it's a great song, the rest of the CD is similar, again dominated by that classic early 70's organ sound our boy is such a fan of. What's Bill drinking? Do you even have to ask? The ubiquitous Pabst Blue Ribbon, been drinking a lot of late, in the 15 days since last issue I've been drunk- hold on- shit, 11 of 'em including tonight, in fact the only nights I now realize I haven't ended up drunk are the ones I've spent down at Al's. That's not good. I just feel life right now wearing me down, I'm at the point I've got to drink just to get by, its reminds me a lot of the hard days when Sarah was little, I'd tell myself, if you can just get through today and do everything you're supposed to do, without blowing your fucking head off, when it's over and everyone else has gone to bed, you can drink all the beer you want. It kept me alive then, and hopefully it'll keep me alive now. I'm not sleeping a lot, obviously, but I wasn't sleeping well before this latest binge of survival drinking, is the drinking fueling the depression or is the depression fueling the drinking, one of those questions without an answer, sort of like, is he Bill because he's an asshole, or is he an asshole because he's Bill? Still working out hard, felt like unadulterated shit the other day though, even more so than usual lately, hungover like fuck, sweat pouring off of me like piss from Al's ancient bladder, heart pounding so heavily it HURT, and I felt like I was going to fucking drop right on my face- I did drop the weights, fortunately not on anything, like my foot- and honestly, for the very first time in my entire life the thought seriously occurred to me, fuck, you could have a heart attack or something and drop dead doing this shit. Then I figured, right, like I'd be so fucking lucky. And I finished my fucking work out. What's Bill watching? Still into the Outer Limits DVDs, watching a episode or two (or more) each day, good gosh, that show. I wasn't allowed to watch it during its original run cos my Mom was afraid it would keep me up at night, which was crap, I mean, it may well have, but she let me watch Combat and brother, that wound me up plenty good, I was fighting Germans in my bed all night every Tuesday for years, so the first time I actually watched OL was when Channel 20 ran it at 5 pm when I was in sixth grade (67/68), I really loved it, so much so that I'd come in from a good game of bike crashing to watch it, and it did wind me up, some- Billy: Hey, come here. Pretend you're an alien . . -but it always bothered me at the time that a good half of them didn't make any damn sense to me. Fast forward to the early 80's and TBS starts showing them late on weekend nights and I watched them all again, sometimes with Loretta, and again, a lot of them don’t make any sense to me, but I attribute that this time to the fact that, this being the early 80s, I was watching them cross eyed drunk- hell, even some of the ones that made sense when I was a kid I couldn't understand this time around, So I'm sitting here now, old and sober (I watch them during the day when I get a chance), and you know what? A lot of them STILL don't make any sense to me, they end abruptly and I'm left going "Wha . . ?" However, one thing I do know is, if you find yourself in the OL universe, whatever you do, do not attempt a scientific experiment of any kind, cos brother, I'm telling you right now, it's gonna fucking GO WRONG and you're gonna wind as a containment suit full of smoke and lightning, or end up warping in something ugly from another dimension or (God help us) another UNIVERSE, like the one above us (!), or building a miniature planet that gets possessed by some kind of weird devil thing (chillingly portrayed by two hands in a stretch sock), or turning a meek little bastard into a murderous psychic fuck who can call up a great big cloud of- you got it, smoke and lightning- and disintegrate your ass. Don't go up into OL space either cos they got all sorts of aliens that'll cause you to damn near rupture yourself laughing just to look at 'em, not to mention flowers that shoot spores that'll kill ya (not make you want to fuck Jill Ireland like they did to Spock, you know, smarten your Vulcan ass up), and silver rain that'll turn you into a hairless, bug eyed- you got it, murderous psychic fuck- who looks just like Warren Oates, no less, (that's one of the ones that when it ends has me shouting at the TV, "WHAT THE FUCK?", ye Gods, I swear if you can explain the ending of this episode to me I will give you $10), and giant crab/snake/crocodile things that swim around under the sand like sharks in the sea, and will eat your damn ass just like a shark will, too, and- well, you get my drift. Still, even with it's unfathomable plots and truly over the top monsters- one of them looks just like those plastic (or rubber or whatever they fuck they're made out of) vaginas you can buy from- places- I swear to fuck it does, how the fuck (have I said "fuck" enough times in this sentence yet?) they got that on TV in '64 is beyond me, I'm still a big OL fan, it had some of the eeriest theme and incidental music ever, and that goofy hairy silly puppet thing from Venus, even though I KNOW it's a goofy hairy silly puppet thing, and probably not even from Venus, still gives me the fucking creeps. A brief obit for one Syd Barrett, I was going to call him tragic but who knows, maybe he was perfectly happy in his post Floyd life with Ma. His writing was a little too twee for me, mostly, but I did much like "See Emily Play", great rocking riff with touching lyrics about a misfit kid. Float on a river, forever and ever, Syddy "I don't know what, but somethin's goin' on" Gene Anderson. Can't improve on that. DFZ worked XMCW a couple Saturdays ago, typical XMCW Chinese fire drill, but the crowd was into it, barbed wire match August 12th, big AWA show at WV State September 8. Don’t forget. And while I've know this for a while it came up in conversation today, the fantastic worker Rick Steamboat's real name was actually Richard Blood. My God, what a great wrestling name- "And in this corner, Dick Blood!" I can't imagine why he didn't use it, and I'm being serious. Shit, I'm running down, (sorry if this one hasn't been all that funny, I'm not feeling too funny tonight- actually, I feel extremely funny, I just don't feel very humorous), and I haven't even addressed my burgeoning movie career, how about a brief update, to be expanded upon next issue? I shot a scene last week for BOTB, not very impressed, this isn't a real film crew in any way, just a couple clueless guys with a camera. They're so weak Danny's already bailed out, I'm hanging cos I want the experience, but I don't expect much for or from this film. I also got cast in the comedy I read for a few weeks ago, they had me read for a role as this bumbling detective but decided I was too "physically intimidating' to pull it off, what can I say, so I'm gonna be the Chief of Police, the biggest news is, through 16 to Life I've been asked to come to NY in September and audition for a role in a real film, independent like 16tL, but budgeted much larger, that's supposed to film next year in Seattle. And you know what? I'm gonna go for the fucking audition (already got a
place to stay in Brooklyn and a promise of a rocking good time if I come
to NYC). Who's gonna hold down things here for the three or four days (or
more) that I'm gone? Somebody else, boys and girls. Somebody else. More in the next exciting issue of Bill Bitner's Fabulous Newsletter, to be entitled I Fist Fought The Devil In The Ayatollah's UFO, or, I Know Why Girls Like Horses, or, Reason's Last Stand. I can't wait, either. Go you heroes, go to glory. Later Bill
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Hey
(What the fuck!?! I
typed Sodom and my computer prints this little thumbs up thing, at first I
thought it was a lemon with a hard on, but no, its a thumbs up) and
Gomorrah, she was like, "no strippers"- I was going to have one
for each birthday boy (and Ron) and if they didn't want theirs they could
give her to me- but the more I thought about it, she probably has a point,
she's very gracious to go to the time and expense of having the damn
thing, period, and it's not a party just for Bill anyway.