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7/5/04 When I Look Back I See Everyone (Disclaimer: This was written in the early am of 7/5, but due to the hell spawned nature of my stupid, STUPID fucking computer, it's only going out now, and wouldn't be appearing at this late date if not for the valiant efforts of Joe. Bless his heart). Tower to the skies Hey Well, this is coming out after the longest gap in this thing's over two and a half year history, 3 weeks to the day. Not sure why, I just haven't gotten around to putting one out lately. To set things aright . . What has Bill been up to? Spent most of week before last helping my parents clear out 35 years accumulation- that's no exaggeration, we finally got rid of the first color TV we ever owned, bought right after we moved to West Virginia in 1969- of junk there at the house. My mother is a pack rat and hoarder of the highest order (sounds like a song), she won't throw ANYTHING away unless you literally pry it out of her fucking hand, I'm surprised she flushes her fucking- well, never mind. My parents don’t have a huge house, but they do have a pretty big one, about 4000 square feet, and the damn thing had just gotten so jammed full of shit you could hardly move in it. Compounding the problem is Tina's using their home as a respite home/dumping ground for the past 20 years, so in addition to all my parents shit, the house and garage are also all jammed full of her cast offs. It's fucking insane, I swear. My Dad rented a 30 X 15 foot dumpster from Waste Management, and when they hauled it off this past Wednesday the damn thing was full to it's five foot rim. Not a lot of funny stuff occurred during the project, cos I told them both early on if they pissed me off I wasn't going to help, so we mostly stayed out of one another's way- sort of. My Dad obviously has a good dose of dog's blood in him, cos no matter which way you go to step around him, he will inevitably move to get in your way, just like fucking Rover will. This is pain in the ass enough when you're just trying to maneuver around him to get to the sink or something, but when you're trying to get rid of 30 years of both National Geographic and Reader's Digest magazines, boxes of which are ungodly heavy, trust me, and my Dad decides to let his dog blood show, so that no matter which way you try to go, he's got his big crazy ass between you and where you're heading- B: Get out of the way. Repeat this scene a dozen or more times daily. I did catch this bit of repartee between my parents- M (Holding up some weird ass piece of junk): This might be a
collector's item. I can't add anything to that. Anyway, over 3 tons- yeah, tons- of junk that was in my parents house is now at the dump. Probably 3 more left to go, but at least it's a start. The girls came in last Friday, will be here, except for a Monday to Thursday bit the last week in July, until August 15. The difference in my demeanor is palpable (that means I'm damn happy to have 'em here, and it shows). It feels so good to have them back, even if it is going to gut me when they go back to Baltimore, but again, that's then and this is now, Rachel commented one night last week at supper how much she missed her Daddy's home cooking. Not any more than I miss cooking for them. Although I could do without all the fucking MTV, it's no wonder teens and young adults today are so goddamn retarded . . Luci came in with Rachel, he's already had- and passed- his first WV pinkie, man, people who'd watch that for fun have problems. Had him out of his tank for a while last night, he really is a good looking thing, kind of skittish cos he's not used to being handled, but not at all aggressive, nice snake, I like him. We'll get a picture of Rachel holding him in a future issue. The girls went out for a girl's night out with Laura and a bunch of ZMM folk last week, they saw "The Notebook", which sounded like it may possibly be the worst movie of all time, what some would call a chick flick but I wont cos for some reason I absolutely hate the term, sounds too goddamn cutesy or something, I was squirming just getting the recap, but the girls, and Laura and Anita, all said they liked it, so I don't know. Didn't I say something earlier about being in the minority? But right? Whoops, wait a second, I haven't said it yet, but I will (these paragraphs aren't always written in sequence). What's Bill drinking? Beer, drank a bunch of beer last night, drinking a bunch of beer now. It's summertime, and the living is easy. What's Bill been reading? Laura loaned me "The Taking" by Dean Koontz, and the latest Stephen King- I'm not trying to be disingenuous, but I've already forgotten the title. Hated the Koontz book, I've never rated him as a writer or understood his fucking appeal, maybe it is sour grapes, I don't know, this guy continues to grind out the fucking slop while "Drains" languishes wherever the fuck it is, but I think Dean Koontz totally sucks, this is only the third or fourth book out of his millions I've read, but I continue to find his characters flat and unappealing, their dialogue wooden and stilted, book people speaking book talk, and I HATE that. Rachel read it and liked it until it's quite shitty ending, I think Laura liked it as well, I don't know, so I guess I'm in the minority, but something I learned long ago that I'm happy to pass along to you, is that even though you may be in the minority doesn't mean you're not RIGHT. Started the Stephen King book but can't really get into it, about halfway through it, found some old paperbacks going through my parents junk, reading one of them, "Sea Raider Atlantis" about the German Q boat that did such a number on Allied shipping in the Indian and South Atlantic oceans during the early years of WW II, very interesting, also the girls got me "On The Road With The Ramones" by the Ramones old road manager, for Father's Day, that's Daddy's good girls, also been reading it, and enjoying it very much, if I were listening to anything right now it would be the Ramones, but since I have a pretty wicked headache, I'm listening to nothing. What's Bill been watching? Watched "Miracle Mile" sometime since last newsletter, pretty good, very 80's feeling, and pretty depressing as well, also "City Of The Dead", surprisingly grim, with Christopher Lee, has a brief scene with a girl in a corset and garter belt, my all time favorite female attire bar none, so it gets extra points for that. Also "Charge Of The Light Brigade" with Errol Flynn just this afternoon past, lord God did that movie wind me up as a kid, I went out in the backyard after seeing it the first time and reenacted the whole thing, the neighbors thought I was having another fit. Also watched some of "And Now The Screaming Starts" the other night, what they left off the title is, they're screaming "Change the fucking channel", it's this early 70's Hammer copy Brit film about I'm not sure what, a ghost, or a severed hand and a ghost, or some crazy guy, or something, had this big chested heroine in a low cut dress most of the time, even that couldn't hold my interest. Also, although I normally don't get into the technical aspects of films, being far more interested in big chested heroines in low cut dresses than technique, this movie was the worst edited thing I've ever seen, it would cut away from someone while they were still speaking, just choppy as all fuck, and the whole thing just didn't have a good look to it at all. George Washington's step grandson, "Little Wash", was kicked out of Princeton for "meanness". That's funny. Saw on the news today where BBNL fave Kobayshi surpassed his previous hot dog eating record today (the 4th, I mean) by downing an absolute mind- and stomach- ripping 53 hot dogs (and buns) in 12 minutes. Unbelievable. You go, you little hot dog eating fucker. More on hot dogs (and buns) later. In DF/CAPW news, the Australians didn't make it for the 6/26 show, nor did much of anyone else, but I figure they're lucky just to be alive, checked out the IWA website a week or so ago and found out that when a bunch of wrestlers charged the ring down there, "a mealy ensued". Good lord, them things can hurt ya. As far as the 6/26 show, there was an appallingly poor showing among the DF's family and friends, you're not nearly as popular as you've led yourself to believe big man, anyone else and I'd be worried about they're getting discouraged- (I DON'T GET DISCOURAGED. I GET EVEN). That doesn't make any sense. (WHY START NOW?). Good point. Anyway, although attendance sucked- a big thanks to those of you who did attend- it was a good week for putting those Nitro guys in their place, the DF choked out X2 two weekends ago in Nitro with the Oxygen Destroyer submission hold, then followed that up with a win over XMCW big dog Mister X last Saturday in Dunbar. I'd say you've got those Nitro guy's number, big guy- (YEAH, AND IT'S X). Uh, yeah. And for those of you who don't like that arrogant bastard, missing the CAPW show means you weren't treated to the sight of the Death Falcon being knocked over or through the metal ring barricades a half dozen times, repeatedly bounced off this SUV parked in the Armory for just that purpose, taking a leg drop on a table from the top of said vehicle, getting whacked over the head with a stop sign, taking some chair shots, and being leg dropped what felt like about 50 times on the concrete Armory floor. The only thing that really hurt, as in REALLY hurt, was that damnable leg drop ostensibly through a table, the table wasn't gimmicked, and was a sturdy fucker, Allen comes crashing down across my head and throat from WAY up fucking high, and I guess it sort of stunned me, cos I hear some being saying, "The table didn't break" and I thought "So that's why I feel like this." However, the DF is a sturdy fucker himself, he gave every bit as good as he got, and ended the match by placing a cinder block on Mister X's genitals and then smashing it with a sledgehammer- no, I'm not making this up- which, after he quit writhing and screaming like the little girl he now is, led to X taking the pin. You also missed Joe getting hit in the face with a cake, which led to me getting lectured by my Mom- "All he does for you, and you abuse him so. Bless his heart." BLESS HIS HEART!? Jesus. The DF is working every weekend this month- was supposed to work XMCW 7/3 but called off so I could party, dedicated fuck that I am, still there 7/17, Ultracore Wrestling Federation in Huntington 7/10, defending the CAPW Hardcore belt against 350 pound Atrocity- I've got a knitting needle and I know how to use it- and the aforementioned barbed wire baseball bat/tables/thumbtacks match against Juggulator in Smithers 7/24. Hurt my shoulder some MORE at the Nitro show a few weeks ago diving out of the ring to escape the forces of Good, had Lori check it out for me the other day, now I've also torn the ACL in my shoulder, in addition to the trap muscle and rotator cuff damage I already had. The good news is that I've now pretty much fucked up everything in my shoulder there is to fuck up, so I can't really hurt it any more than it already is. The bad news is my arm's gonna fall off. Lots of anniversaries last month I meant to acknowledge and never got around to it, the big one, my parent's 50th wedding anniversary was June 4th, on the 14th it was 2 years since I left the Beckley office, blows my fucking mind, THAT seems just like yesterday, honestly, the 18th marked an also mind boggling 20 years since I started working CPS for the WV DHS (at that time). Holy fucking fuck, WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?! 20 YEARS! The 19th marks the 20th anniversary of the worst human habitation I've ever seen in in my life, the second day on the job and I walked in this literal shit hole, damn near quit cos I thought they were all like that, and then I never saw one nearly as bad again in all the tears that followed. I thought of including it here, cos it's a story whose time to be recorded for posterity has come, but I think I'll put it in a separate essay- been a while since I've done one of those- I'll probably call "Why Bill Hates Fucking Work"- that'll I'll try to get out in a day or two. My Dad has somehow hurt his foot, he's getting so damn fragile, he's hobbling around on this one crutch, I was out there for a while today while the girls went to a cook out Loretta's family- sans Loretta, who's family now resides in Baltimore, as she's said more than once- was having. B: Why the crutch? Next time I smart him off I'll do it out of crutch range. Also while I was out there they were watching some golf thing sponsored by Cialis, so we got to see about six dozen Cialis commercials. Goddamn, what is UP with that shit, no pun intended. These drugs are proliferating like mad. Am I the only motherfucker in this country who has absolutely NO problem getting it up? And keeping it up? And I love the disclaimer, "If erection persists for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention." Nurse? Oh, nurse? Went to a party last night for Greg Kesling, old Tang Spoons drummer and all around good guy, thrown by his eldest son, Lukas. The excuse for the party was so he and his wife Diane could reaffirm their marriage vows- don't ask me, Lukas came up with it- and they had a nice, corny as shit but still touching for all that ceremony. Lots of that old crew were out there, had a very nice time, along with lots of Lukas' young crew, a good mix. Former Tang Spoon Bobby Frontz, who's been beaten up in these pages many times previously, was there. We parted rather acrimoniously back in '97 when I'd had enough of his shit and canned the band, but that was a long time ago, we buried the hatchet and it was all cool. Lots of music was played, all of Spurgie's band was there except, go figure, Spurgie, the Tang Spoons (me, Joe, Bobby and Greg), along with Lukas on acoustic and Sarah on back vocals played a fairly short set of stuff we almost remembered, "I'm Not Like Everybody Else", "Summertime Blues", "I Saw The Light" (Hank's, not Todd's) and another 20 plus minute version of "Who Do You Love" which turned into this long combined jam with Spurgie band. It wasn't a summer of '95, 3 am and 15 beers half an hour feedback sermon around "Heavy Planet Man", but it wasn't bad. They also had a pool set up for mud wrestling, which is classy, Lukas was in prime Andy Kaufman form, wrestling and beating a bunch of girls, and his little brother. I wasn't interested in wrestling him, but I sort of got goaded into it, which is real hard to do when I'm on the beer, so I stripped down to my boxers in some vain attempt to keep the rest my clothes from getting all muddy and went at it, but I honestly wasn't in the mood, and Lukas' AK act was pretty effective in getting him on half lit my bad side, so as soon as I got in the pool I got him in- I don't know what it's really called, it's where you put the guy's head under your left arm and get him in a double underhook, I call it the double squinch, and you can crank the shit out of a person's neck with it, and tapped him out in about 4 seconds. To give him his due, though, in true heel fashion he said he never really tapped out, start again, so we did, and I got him right back in the double squinch, and this time when he tapped out I didn't let go, I cranked down harder, and made him squeal like a pig, among many other degrading things (make the homies say "Ho!", make the girlies want to scream) before I let him out of the hold. Then his cute and buxom girlfriend Chrissie jumps in the pool with me and asks, "Will you teach me some submission holds?" Will I ever. I taught her the Squish Bill's Head Into Your Muddy Braless Breasts, and the Sit On Bill's Face (with the Ass Wiggle Variation), and the Wrap Each Other Up And Roll Around In The Mud Sort Of Humping One Another, all favorites of mine, and deadly in the right hands. Lukas wasn't very happy about it all, and even less happy when Chrissie told him she wants to be a Falconette, of course I've heard that one before, I also think he was sort of cranky cos his neck was real sore, welcome to my world, little buddy, no sympathy here, but like I told him, "Since I made YOU my bitch, doesn't look to me like you've got much say in things". I actually didn't drink all that much, having the girls there with me, probably quit around 11, and we didn't leave till about 1:30, even decided I'd try to eat something to help absorb (after I finished drinking, of course), they had a huge fucking pot of hot dogs there, and I came up with the idea that's finally going to make my fortune for me. Two hot dogs, one bun. I'll say it again- TWO HOT DOGS, ONE BUN. It's sheer fucking genius, simple, but PERFECT. I'm gonna open a store and sell two hot dogs in one bun. I ate seven hot dogs, but only three buns, and it was GOOD, the odd hot dog came when Nyoka fixed herself a hot dog then decided she didn't want it and gave it to me, I ate the hot dog and gave the bun to this big shaggy dog who was hanging around looking like he wanted to eat a hot dog bun. And he did. That's not Nyoka of "Nyoka And The Tiger Men" by the way, in which case I wouldn't have been eating her hot dog, but trying to get the reverse to happen, this was the now 19 year old daughter of Bobby's old girlfriend Renee, who used to be at all those old Tang Spoons practices there at Bobby's house, she reminded me of the occasion- made quite the impression on her at the time- I was playing the guitar with the telephone there at Bob's- I used to get WAY drunk at those old TS practices since I had Loretta there to drive us home- it was great, I had that fucking guitar SCREAMING, not to mention everyone who was listening, I had the damn thing so loud the pickups were microphonic, after scraping the shit out of the strings with the phone for like days, I held it up to the pickups and "IF YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL, PLEASE HANG UP AND DIAL AGAIN!" came roaring out of my amp at like 120 decibels. I may not know art, but I fucking know entertainment. And why Nyoka was there with Bob when he and her mom, Renee, broke up years ago was something I didn't feel like asking about. I was just as glad Renee wasn't there, she was always nice, but she was also crazy as fucking bat shit, just like her son and Nyoka's brother Joey (whom I turned down for Abraxas way back when cos he was clearly nuts), this isn't just the opinion of Dr. Bitner, they've both been diagnosed by people with degrees in the pointing the crazy finger field, and have papers in their possession saying "Renee and Joey are crazy as fucking bat shit". Renee used to get a pretty good combined SSI and Air Force pension check back in the day, which had a lot to do with why Bobby found her so attractive as a room mate I promise you, old Bob makes me look like Woody Workaholic or someone. Hey, I wonder what she's doing now? Renee's favorite TS song was always the long- WAY long- version of "Orangedriver" we used to play just for her, she fancied herself an artist and she'd always get out her sketch pad and try to draw how that song made her feel- Joe, do you remember this?- and after we'd played "Orangedriver" she'd want to show us the sketch and it would invariably be this bat shit crazy ass SCRIBBLE, and I'd always say, "You know what, that sketch is EXACTLY how I feel whenever I play that song" and her face would light up and she'd go "REALLY?" and then I'd always feel bad for taking the piss out of her and she didn't even know it. Then the next week she'd show me another damn nut case doodle, and I'd do it again. God bless, but those were the days. Had so much fun there at the party I kept dreaming I was there after I got home and went to sleep, at one point (this is in the dream) I wandered away and was at this dockside bar drinking Vodka Collins' in the middle of the afternoon, there were a lot of old CCIL people there, I'd come with Todd, of all people, I'm ready to leave so I go over to get him and as I get closer I can see his head is this glass jar all full of pills that are making up his features, damn interesting look, he says, "Ready to go to California?" and I realize he and I are supposed to take a trip to California together, nothing could be more boring on this earth- unless you unscrewed his head and popped some of them pills, then it could be okay, I guess- cos Todd has less to say than any person I've ever met, and he says it constantly, I remember one day at work- and there are people who can back me up on this- when he said "I ain't got no motivation" 200 fucking times, I damn sure had some motivation, to strangle his ass, anyway, I tell him I've changed my mind about the trip and I'm back at the party, where Joe is now up doing a solo acoustic rendition of some of his songs- these are dream world songs- and they're terrible, but the worst part is Joe looks like Elton John with that ghastly Moe Howard 'do that Elton had there for a while, he finishes up to no reaction at all, I tell him, "That was good" to try and cheer him up, cos that's the kind of friend I am, but he goes, "No it wasn't, it was plentikinous" which I guess is dream talk for sucky, and then he starts crying, and if he looked like Joe I might've been more sympathetic, but I said, "Buck up, you damn baby" cos that's also the kind of friend I am, and my mom is there and she says, "You leave Joe alone, bless his heart" and then I woke up, which is probably for the best, since it's not good to hit your mama over the head, even in a dream. I guess that's enough for tonight. Stay tuned for "Why Bill Hates Fucking Work", coming soon. I'm not like everybody else. Later Bill
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