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7/5/06 And All Your Gay Friends
Hey Happy post-holiday 5th (and fifth) to all of you, what summer cliché can I greet you with this time? How about the livin' is (relatively) easy, cos it is right now, although my Daddy is certainly not rich and my Mama is definitely not good looking (though they're both crazy as two headed bed bugs, put THAT in a song, Mr. Gershwin) and I have no idea if the cotton is high or not. I AM, however, high as a damn two headed bed bug in fact, so let's get into another NL straight from Transmission Point Bitner (been watching WAY too much Outer Limits lately, and for the person who asked since last issue what channel I was watching it on, I got the DVDs- weird, weird stuff, as may be touched on more later). Why another one so soon (10 days) after the last one? Well, I was supposed to get out of here for a while today and that didn't work out, spent all this long, hot, tedious day with The Great Old Ones, so this is my means of mental escape. This, and a shit pot full of PBR. Let's hit the mail bag first off, I think I got the best question ever last week. I shall quote- "I finally figured out that the stuff in caps is DFZ talking. But who actually types it?" WHO ACTUALLY TYPES IT?! HE DOES, you ignorant git. Holy crow. I also got a letter- if I had to lay money I'd say it's legit, but unless and until you actually bite, you never really know- from someone turned on by the photo of the ex in issue before last, offering me a substantial sum in return for pics of Loretta au natural (me included in the photo optional). Uhm, no. There's a line between low class and no class that I refuse to cross. And I'm not just saying that cos I found out that one of (many) reason why Loretta, and Paul as well now, are so down on my immature ass is that they read the newsletter. Well, first off, if that's not just the fucking definition of going looking for trouble, I don't know what is- yeah, I'm talking to YOU, and all your gay friends- and second off, I stand behind everything I've said regarding either one of them in here going back to issue #1 (this is an absolutely mind boggling issue #176 by the way, meant to make mention last issue about it being #175 but it slipped my PBR clouded mind). "A moment's sleep and the woman I loved was an inhuman monster bent on my destruction". Kevin McCarthy, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Bill Bitner, right the fuck now. You want to disagree with me? Start your own fucking newsletter. (YEAH, FOR ALL YOUR GAY FRIENDS). Okay, already. Lastly, I got a letter from someone concerning the thresher shark story from last issue wanting to talk about shark attacks. Dude, take that stuff somewhere else, cos I am terrified of sharks, and that's no exaggeration. I figure if I ever got jumped by some bad ass animal, a lion or a grizzly bear, or a crocodile- (OR AN OSTRICH) I'm being serious here. (ME TOO. THOSE SONS OF BITCHES WILL POP UP OUT OF THEIR BURROWS AND PECK YOUR ASS INTO A COMA IN A FUCKING HEARTBEAT. THEN THEY LAY THEIR EGGS ON YOU. THEN WHEN THE LITTLE BABY OSTRICHES COME TO LIFE THEY USE THEIR TINY EGG FISTS TO BUST OUT THROUGH THE SHELL, THEN THEY TAKE THEIR TAIL AND SLICE YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES, THEN THEY STICK THEIR FANGS IN YOU AND SUCK OUT ALL THE JUICE) Ostriches? (FUCK YEAH, MAN) I guess maybe I should start watching out for them, then. (YEAH, WHEN I SEE ONE COMING, I USUALLY WALK THE OTHER WAY. UNLESS, YOU KNOW, IT PISSES ME OFF OR SOMETHING). Then what do you do? (FUCK IT UP. GOT TO) Uh, anyway, as I was saying- what was I saying?- oh yeah, or a crocodile- I'd fight back like a mother fucker, not wanting to be eaten alive and all, even though dealing with a crocodile in the water is pretty much one of those resistance is futile scenarios, you still gotta fight- but I think if a big shark got after me, a great white or a big mako, even a big tiger, although it's not as outright demonic looking as the other two- I think I'd be straight up paralyzed, locked up with fear, a lamb t-
What's that, lambs? (ABSOLUTELY. ESPECIALLY DURING MATING SEASON, WHEN THEY'RE GROWING THEIR NEW SHELLS. THEY LIKE TO HIDE UP IN THE TREES AND THEN WHEN YOU WALK UNDER THEY'LL GLIDE DOWN AND LAND ON YOUR HEAD AND STING THE PISS OUT OF YOU.) I never knew that about lambs. (YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY NATURE BOY AROUND HERE) Obviously not. I guess my point is that I don’t want to be talking about no shark attacks, yo. Although I guess if you want to discuss ostrich, or lamb attacks, the DF is your madman. (YOU EVER HEAR OF THE LITTLE WOOLY BASTARD OF DINGLY DELL? BY GOD, THERE WAS A KILLER-) Some other time. So, shit- what has Bill been up to? Had a wet, wet weekend, first in a long time, stayed up till 5 am Friday night/Saturday morning just pounding the beer, then Saturday proper went to see Superman Returns with the MC, the short review of the movie is that I absolutely fucking hated it. Long, dull, tedious, shit fucking boring- a lot like this day was, pre PBR and NL- it was HORRIBLE, two fucking hours and not one damn interesting thing happened the whole damn time. Ever. Chris said my problem with it was that I want to see Superman mixing it up with super villains- well, duh- and this movie was all about his relationship with Lois Lane. Fucking yuk. I have no problem with the old Clark/Superman/Lois triangle in very small doses, but in my Superman movie it's gonna be more like this- Lois- Hi, honey, how was your day? Superman- That goddamn Bizarro punched me square in the mouth. Come over here and sit on it and make it feel better. MC ratings, from right to wrong, Bill hated it, Debbie didn't like it, Carol and George were indifferent (although George did agree there were a lot of long slow patches), Ron liked it, Chris loved it. After the movie we went over to where Ron's mom would live if she didn't live with him and went up on the roof (when this old world starts getting me down) and hung out and drank some beers, some Sam Adams stuff, can't remember which but it was pretty good- I'm not a big Sam Adams fan cos first I think it's highly overrated and second, nine times out of ten when I run into some yuppie scum who just makes my skin crawl, and he's drinking a beer, it's a Sam Adams- but it was nice up there, great view, nice breeze, very pleasant. Then we went over to Chris's for some Harpoon IPA and a little Maker's Mark, watched a couple old Cary Grant/Hitchcock movies, Notorious, with the good looking Ingrid Bergman, and To Catch A Thief with the even better looking Grace Kelly. And while I'd love to take credit for the "and all your gay friends" tag line cos I think it's absolutely hilarious, I have to give credit where it's due, Ron came up with it when I hollered at some guy giving Cary some shit on the screen, "Step aside, fatso" and Ron immediately added "and all your gay friends". FUNNY. And you know why we can talk this way? Cos we're TOLERANT, dammit. I'm serious, when I was in Tanzania they all called me Mzungu, which means "He who is most tolerant of all, more tolerant than the bat, and the hornet, and the echidna, and the spider crab, and that thing with all the legs that lives down in a cave by"- ("MZUNGU" MEANS "EVIL WHITE MOTHERFUCKER", AND YOU KNOW IT). Yeah, but THEY didn't, till you told 'em. A bunch of you old, OLD NL schoolers been complaining for a quite while now about no new recipes since forever, well here's one that was worth waiting for, the Jesus biscuit (and I'm not making any of this up). You take your biscuit dough- I'm assuming this is one of those rounds that come out of a tube- and flatten it out. This is the "tomb". Then you take a marshmallow and place it on the dough- this is "Jesus". Then you sprinkle spices on the marshmallow, to represent the spices they sprinkled on Jesus (not being a Biblical scholar, I did not know that they laid him to rest covered in spices). This also sounded extremely nasty to me as I was thinking stuff like oregano and cumin, till it was pointed out to me you use sweet spices, like sugar and cinnamon. Then you wrap the dough around spiced Jesus and bake it. When you take it out of the oven- I'm not sure how long you leave it in there, better just watch it- the marshmallow is gone. Holy fuck, it's a miracle. Then you eat the biscuit. Yuck. Sunday, Danny and I went to Huntington for the ECW show- he talked to the BOTB guy Skip (aka Eugene) this week, I'm not out of the movie but Danny said Skip did remark- S: Bill's kind of moody sometimes, isn't he? Hey, if you've got some cute girl on the one hand saying, "oh, osculate my oral labia one more time, you great play acting brute", and on the other hand you've got some goof ball going "more stuff about my goofy self important ass, oh yeah, and still MORE stuff about-" you might get accused of being moody yourself. The ECW show wasn't very good, not their A-team, and the guys who did show up pretty much phoned their matches in (I saw in the paper Rob Van Dam and Sabu got busted for smoking/having dope in their car when they got pulled over driving to Columbus after the show, boys, boys). Also, since ECW is now a WWE property, there has to be at least one bimbo on the card, in this case- I think her gimmick name is Kelli, "an exhibitionist", who came out and did an aborted (she didn't pop her bra) strip there in the ring.
I went more for the social aspect (and just to get out of this damn rat barrel), saw a bunch of local workers I hadn't seen in awhile, including Kris King, very sweet kid, got approached by three different promoters (AWF, 304, HCW) about working, told them the DF's dance card is full this summer, maybe later, also ran into Bear (aka Justin Sane aka Loco Da Clown, I have no idea in this world what his real name might be) who told me he rescued my barbed wire bat I thought I'd lost after the last 304 show, that's cool. The best thing about the night was that they sold beer, 24 oz drafts, I was in a mood and had a thirst, the matches weren't holding my interest, so I ended up buying four beers, and worked being the Death Falcon into getting marks to buy me not one, not two, but three fucking free beers. It IS good to be the fucking Death Falcon, and while I concede this is all very much big fish in small pond doings, I've always said that if you're going to be a fish, be a big one. Also, if you're going to be a big fish, drink like one. Got a great buzz, only problem was I had to piss about 20 times on the ride home. What's Bill been reading? A co-authored autobiography of British wrestler Steven, later William, Regal, some of his accounts of his early days on the Brit wrestling circuit are pretty interesting and some of the Brit wrestler names amusing- Catweazle (?!), Gaylord Steven Peacock, Pedro the Gypsy (a Mexican gypsy? Holy fuck, he'll be too lazy to steal!), Bertie the Lad, and Mr. Midget, which is about as straightforward a name for a midget wrestler as you could ever find, unless you just called him "Midget"- but overall there's too much boring talk about all the drugs he did once he reached the top. Ho-hum. Also a collection of shorts by "cyberpunk" author, a long outdated term, Bruce Sterling, it sucked- seems like everything sucks this issue, just how it works out sometimes- SF by scientists is often like this stuff, long on science, short on fiction. What's Bill listening to? Some new SSLB CDs, "Hootenanny" by the Replacements, The Pretty Things first, eponymous LP, I went on (and on) about the PT's in an issue way back in 2002, great, under appreciated band, listening to their raw, killer version of "Roadrunner" is what made me decide to cover it in the Tang Spoons, also, the reformed Humble Pie's last two LPs from '80 and '81 (on one CD), not as strong as their classic early stuff, but still some good songs, and "Especially For You" by the Smithereens. "Especially For You " is just an excellent record, as is the one they did after it, "Green Thoughts", the failure of this band to make it big just baffles the fuck out of me cos they wrote some great, great songs. "EFY" has got killer stuff like "Beyond The Wall Of Sleep", "Blood And Roses", "Alone At Midnight" and best of them all, "Strangers When We Meet"- She told me Sunday, "Baby, it's over, -about as dead on a song about getting involved with someone who's already involved as this guy has ever heard. Not that I have any experience in that area. What's Bill drinking? Well, PBR as stated earlier, been hammered four nights out of the last five, after not drinking much at all for over six weeks. Just in the mood. Thought I might have run into Miss Right last week, turns out she was Mrs. Wrong, and apparently wasn't going to tell me, until someone else busted her the next day. Lord love a fucking duck. We were talking about affairs of the heart the other night and Chris pointed out that sleeping with drugged out wrestling groupies and chasing after married women is probably not the way to find your heart's desire, and while he's flat fucking CRAZY when it comes to that shitty Superman movie- I swear, it was atrocious, in a bucket- in this case I think he may have a point. In fact, our hero went through quite a dry spell this past winter and while my little head took it horribly, kept me up many a night, whining, "Feed me . . . FEED ME"- ("AND ALL MY GAY FRIENDS!") -goddamn, you made me laugh out loud with that one. Crazy fucker. Anyway, while the little head suffered terribly, the big head actually felt better. (WHAT'S YOUR POINT?) I'm not sure I had one. Like I've heard you say a hundred times though, "Just cos you've got the power-" (DON'T MEAN YOU GOT THE RIGHT). Exactly. Who first said that? Gandhi? (CLOSE. LEMMY). Figures. DFZ is still working XMCW in Nitro this Saturday, the 8th, you locals should come out, don't want to give too much away, but make sure you're there at bell time, and don't leave before it's over. As for movie stuff, Sarah found some 16 to Life production stills and sent them to me, I sent them to Joe, so they'll be on the site version of this issue. Also got asked again to come to Toronto, as well as Brooklyn, Beth said she could get me paying work as an actor the day I showed up, I'm trying to find some way out of this parent trap I'm in right now, but I'm not really seeing one, there's just no one, paid or family, who can take my place here right now. I also got an e-mail just yesterday (Monday) from this group at Marshall who are going to start filming a "feature comedy" in August there in Huntington, I don't know this bunch, one of the sound guys on 16 recommended me to them. They want me to come down Saturday and read for a part, I got back with them and it's not an audition, they said I'm cast if I want to be in the movie- which is cool, and flattering, but bottom line is Kyle (the sound guy) gave them the fucking scoop, which is that I show up on time, I hit my marks, and I know my lines, for low budget indie shit that makes me Olivier- the Saturday read will be to see in which role. So I'm definitely going to do that, it's not Toronto or Brooklyn, but it's another role to put on my resume, more experience, more contacts- (MAYBE MORE FUN AT A WRAP PARTY). Maybe. I realize this stuff I'm doing right now is baby steps. The important thing is, they’re fucking STEPS. Time to roll, I think. This issue's a little shorter than usual, no memory lane tonight, it’s a holiday and there's still too much recent baggage attached to holidays. Next time. (I COULD TELL THEM ABOUT THE LITTLE WOOLY BASTARD OF DINGLY DELL-) Another time. Also, I got your Dingly Dell right here- (DAMMIT, THAT'S MY JOKE) Sorry. Seriously, though, I'm fading fast. One of us has drunk 19 Pabst Blue Ribbons since four this afternoon. (THAT WOULD BE YOUR DRUNKARD'S ASS) Indeed it would. A thousand stolen blankets, to warm you while you sleep. Night, all. Please don't chastise me (WHO ACTUALLY TYPED THIS?!?) Later Bill
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Please
don't look my way 
(YOU
GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR THEM, TOO) 
This
girl is smoking hot, tall and blond, booted and leggy, with some nice,
real (for now) tits and an ass that was almost unbelievably perfect,
which she was quite proud to show all in attendance, but I still hated
the whole thing, which may surprise some of you. I like stripping,
actual stripping (as opposed to most of what passes for "exotic
dancing"), love it, in fact (and strippers, professional and amateur),
but as far as I'm concerned it's got no place in a wrestling ring. I
like cake, too, and I like beer, but I don't like cake in my fucking
beer. 