8/16/04

Nest

Give Ireland back to the Irish
Don't make them have to take it away

Hey

Too much of a good thing? There's no such animal. so here we are with a second newsletter in one week for the first time in over two years. Why? Who gives a fuck, just enjoy.

We'll start off this issue (why'd I call it "Nest"?- cos I meant to type "Next" as a place holder till I came up with something better, and drunkenly typed "Nest" and now I figure that's as good a title as any) with "what's Bill drinking", and that would be beer, and plenty of it. Again, just Bud, but I've still got a lot to go through before the night's over- we're 50 plus in the weekend bedroom beer castle, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest- cos I'm going on the wagon for a couple weeks starting tomorrow, and it needs to be out of the house. That's my story, anyway, and I'm sticking to it.

Well, the girls are gone, and that, as they say in the movies, is that. They want me to maybe try and visit them some this fall since I may be in the vicinity, and God knows when they'll be back this way, but I can tell you right now, it's not happening. If I ever pull up in front of that house the girls will most definitely not be home, and I'll have a shotgun and a five gallon can of gasoline with me. And there'll be no fucking survivors, you better believe.

What's Bill been up to since they left yesterday? Other than drinking beer, not much (there hasn't been much time for anything else). I did shave off my beard and moustache Saturday, the skin underneath was getting really dry and itchy. I used to shave it twice a year, spring and fall, just for maintenance purposes, but haven't for maybe a couple years. Slacker me. Been putting moisturizer on my face a couple times a day since the shave, feels really good.

I've noticed, if you meet someone and they’re clean shaven, and then they grow facial hair, they look like themselves with facial hair, but if you meet someone and they already have a beard and/or moustache, if they shave it, they look like someone entirely different.

While I was at it, I shaved my eyebrows off too, cos they were pissing me off. I look like a fucking android now, in fact, I look exactly like Yul Bryner in "Westworld"- Hey, THAT'S why I keep looking at myself in the mirror and saying "Draw". While I think about it, the top 3 movie androids ever were, in order, Rutger Hauer in "Blade Runner", Arnold in "Terminator"- FAR and away the best thing the guy has ever done, and please don't even mention to me that abomination of a second Terminator movie- never saw the third- as far as I'm concerned they don't even exist- and then Yul in "Westworld".

(I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE MISTER FUCKING POTATO HEAD).

I'm too light.

(OKAY, MISTER FUCKING PEELED POTATO HEAD).

That's more like it. Although you know, without that damn chin cabbage, you look a lot more like Death Falcon Hero. Noble, almost.

(AH, FUCK YOU. CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE?)

Yeah, but apparently you can't.

My left knee started hurting like FUCK last week, and I don't know why. I think maybe it was just tired of my shoulder getting all the press "Hey, I've been hurting you a lot longer than it has, how soon we forget", I could hardly walk or put any weight on it there for a while. Just woke up one morning and it was like that. I'm hoping it's just the fucking arthritis flaring up, that would be okay. I'm mean, I'm not okay with the pain, but if it's arthritis, working on it's not going to damage it any more than has already been done- which is why I have arthritis in it in the first place.

Even though it hasn't been that long since last newsletter, it's already generated more mail than most of the recent ones have gotten, though not necessarily from the usual sources. Nah, these are the people who only write in when they want to bitch- ya damn crybabies.

First off, okay, I will concede that I probably should have said that the Olympics don't mean anything anymore "TO ME". I guess there's still some suckers in this world who think they have meaning, like olympia500. So, are you happy now? You're still a fucking SUCKER, you probably think Super Bowl III wasn't fixed, don't you? Whatever.

And Jason still likes his football, and I still like Jason, so I try to overlook it in him. But sometimes its hard. See you for lunch sometime this week.

As far as being anti-Greek, I'm not at all, but they DID invent butt fucking, where you been? They come from tough fucking stock, which I totally respect, I mean come on, the Spartans- Thermopylea, anyone? Or Marathon, where the "intellectual" Athenians drove the much larger Persian army into the fucking sea, while the Spartans were off, I don't know, butt fucking or something. So get off my back (Ha).

Lastly, I got asked about the photo of Joe, I mean Louis, with Pampered Booty. No, I DON"T know why he was consorting with the enemy, or so red in the face for that matter, though I have my theories on both. All I can tell you, Louis, is stay the hell away from her, she'll break your heart. Not to mention your breadstick.

Not a lot of voting on the tag team name yet, although I realize it's early, 3 votes each for Hell Bound and Fool Killers, none for the New Rydas, which is as it should be, but I'm hoping someone will come up with a better name. VOTE, dammit.

Went to see "Alien Vs. Predator" on Friday as announced last issue, it wasn't nearly as good as I'd hoped it would be, but it was still a lot better than I feared it would be. I'd recommend you go see it. On the down side, it's very monochromatic, actual colors on film wise, the humans are all extraneous, there were a couple things that made me say, "ah shit, that was stupid, and/or didn't make sense", but still- there was one WAY cool Alien versus Predator fight- I kept thinking, "Put the Oxygen Destroyer on him!"- seriously, it was good, THAT'S why I went to see this movie, and I wish there'd been a lot more stuff like that, I really like that aspect that when a Predator sees an Alien, instead of running away, it goes, "Fuck YEAH, I'm gonna fight it!" and goes running AT it - various other cool set pieces scattered throughout- I really liked the Predators fighting on top of this ancient pyramid while thousands of fucking Aliens swarm up it after them- and I've always thought Antarctica has been very underutilized as a spot for bad happenings, it's environment is about as close to another world as you can find on this planet. And that whole symbolic bottom of the world thing. Our buddy Lovecraft set "At The Mountains Of Madness" there, and The Thing, stories and movies, were Antarctica based, but after that, I can't really think of anything. You?

Did a lot of eating out- in restaurants, you of dirty mind- last week, and I thought for about the millionth time, "When did it fucking become okay to wear hats inside?" When I was a kid that was considered to be just rude as fuck, and I remember a number of times my Granddad- this would be stone killer man documented in "They're All Dutch To Me"- going up to some guy, usually in a bar- my Dad used to take me with them whenever my Granddad would want to go out drinking when we were visiting there in Martinsburg, I think so he could use me as an excuse for not staying gone for three days- but sometimes in a restaurant- going up to some guy wearing a hat inside and forcibly taking it off his head and slamming it down on the floor, with something like, "Take yer fucking hat off, ya goddamn farmer!" "Farmer" was one of my Granddad's favorite non vulgar insults, which he used for anyone he deemed uncouth or ignorant, along with "You're a Dutchman", which he'd say if he didn't agree with you, or "You're a damn Chinaman", which he'd say if he not only disagreed with what you said, but found it very stupid as well. As we all know, Granddad was not PC, but you couldn’t tell him that, cos he'd fucking kill ya, straight up.

And as far as I'm concerned, the only people who should wear cowboy hats are cowboys. And half naked women. I used to have a photo of Satan wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, some chaps, some boots, and a g-string, that would've made the gayest motherfucker on this planet put his dick in his hand, I promise you.

What's Bill listening to? Led Zeppelin, excellent drinking music. And although you once again didn't ask (and that's stopped me when?) my 3 favorite Led Zeppelin songs, again in order, are "Rock and Roll", "Immigrant Song", and "Communication Breakdown". All stompers, I was never much for their airy fairy shit, although I did always like "No Quarter" which didn't seem to make much of an impression on anyone else.

There's this- well, I wouldn't call it a debate, but I've been getting these forward to everyone e-mails from people discussing the conflict in Iraq, and someone posted that violence never solved anything. I sort of understand her emotional stance- she's got a son in Iraq, and I'm sure she's scared as shit for him, as I would be- but she's also wrong as fuck. Violence is quite often the ONLY answer.

To bolster her point she said that we- actually they, it was before our time, but I know what she meant- got rid of Hitler, but there's still anti-Semitism. Uh, yeah . . . but you don't have some goddamn twisted fuck putting them in ovens anymore, do you? Jesus. You've got Bonnie and Clyde- "The baddest white folks they ever was" to quote Sonny Boy Williamson, who once had the pleasure of meeting them- out doing what they do. You put about a hundred fucking bullets in each of them, and you know what? THEY DON'T DO IT ANYMORE.

It's like that whole capital punishment thing- I don't know what your opinion on CP is, and you know what, I DON'T FUCKING CARE- when they try to say" Capital punishment is not a deterrent". Really? I'd say it deterred the fuck out of Ted Bundy, or that shit bag John Wayne Gacy, who went to the death chamber pissing himself and crying like a goddamn little girl, of course if I thought I was going where he thought he was going- then again, according to you religious fucks, I am, I think I should at least get a cooler shelf- I'd have probably cried like a little girl too. Actually, I'd have fought like a motherfucker, they'd have had to kill me to even get me to the execution room, take it like a man my ass, they're dragging me there kicking and screaming. So anyway, when one of those guys commits another murder, then come tell me it's not a deterrent, till then keep your fucking mouth shut.

Stayed up late last night- actually, all night, which blows my mind as much as yours, considering how much beer this carcass has absorbed in the past 48 hours- and I think I saw the infomercial to end all. It was the Breast Boggler, or something like that, it's this plastic cup that you- if you're a woman wanting to enlarge your breasts- put over your breast, then attach this straw like thing, and suck all the air out of the cup- with your mouth- and somehow your breast gets bigger.

It was sort of erotic watching these women vicariously suck their own tits- of course I've seen- well, never mind- but it was also one of the most ludicrous things I've EVER seen in my life. The best/worst part of this is that there might be a dollar fifty's worth of material in this gadget- and it sells for $200! Dear Lord. Ladies, I'll suck your tits for just $100, and if they don't get any bigger, I'll refund half your money. Seriously.

My Dad was fairly subdued at IHOP on Friday, but I was out there for a while this, or yesterday, Sunday, afternoon to watch the Cubs game, he was in pretty good form. He starts talking to me about all the trips he's wanting to go on this fall, Martinsburg, of course, and some something there in D.C., and on and on, I'm not really listening to him- and then he says "phenis".

B: WHAT did you just say?
D: When?
B: Just now. What was the last word that you said?
D: Phenis?
B: That's it. Good Lord . . .
D: I just said phenis.
B: I know you did, and don't you say it again.
D: What the hell have you got against phenis?
B: Well . . . other than how it sounds, I don't really know, cos I have to admit I don't know what a phenis is.
D: It's a city, you dumbass.
B: A city?
D: PHENIS, ARIZONA!
B: Oh. Of course.

We're watching the game, he says, "He's always has been Prior's nemis".

B: His what?
D: His nemis.
B: His WHAT?
D: His nemis, dammit.
B: Would that be anything like his nemesis?
D: It would be like someone who irritates the damn hell out of him, like you do me.
B: So would that make me your nemesis?
D: No, that would make you a goddamn smartass.

He also got mad at my Mom later, cos he was screaming that if the Cubs lost this game- it really was pathetic, their bullpen SUCKS, when Prior left the game they were winning 5 to 3, they ended up losing 8 to 5- they should just be kicked out of baseball- the really funny part is that he's 100% serious- so my Mom started calling him Mr. Commissioner, as in-

M: Supper's ready, Mr. Commisioner.
D: Goddammit, you're where he gets it from!

Probably.

By the time I get to Phenis.

Later

Bill