8/21/10

Sleeping Myself To Drink

He'll always be a problem
To his poor and puzzled mother

"I craves to go drown my unrequited love in cauliflower ears and blood." Sailor Steve Costigan

"It was a great sense of achievement when my first drink of the day was no longer nine in the morning but noon, and then at eight. Life got much duller as a result." J. G. Ballard

Hey

Once again Bill comes to you sore and tired. But it's a good sore and tired this time. Good.

To jump right into the mail bag Chris was the first but not only to catch the B-37/36 (Peacemaker) and Joe/Robert Crais mistakes in last issue but cut me some slack, Doc says I got head problems. And Doc's right. Also, more than one person was impressed with the 330 x 5, you should be (and straight up I could have done more, wish I had now but at the time I didn't see the point) although to be honest that was seven years ago, before the destruction of Bill's shoulder. Got more than a couple folks backing me completely on the "whelps" rant, media people are just STUPID with the shit they say and write, one reader wrote in that on a recent local newscast- says he's from Wisconsin, hello up there, I said HELLOOOO- yeah, the beer's already kicked in- one of the newscasters said someone had "sour grapes to grind". Jesus. I feel your pain. But it's truly nice to know this bugs the fuck out of someone beside me.

Lastly, or at least the last I can remember, someone went off half cocked-

(HA)

-asking how I could say JS's version of "Boots" was hot, no dear, SHE was hot- good fucking gosh she could rotate them hips- but her version of "Boots" sucks donkey dicks. If you watch that video with the sound on you're either a moron or a masochist.

As for things around the old homestead here, even for her, my Mom has just been walking evil lately. She spent 4th of July weekend with Lori cos DFZ was going to be gone most of it, the deal was she was going to stay till Thursday, Monday morning here's Lori and Tim knocking on the fucking door, "We couldn't keep her any longer", fuck me running, THAT WASN'T THE FUCKING DEAL.

Took her back up there last Thursday cos Jeremy was going to be doing some singing and dancing thing she wanted to see- I've kinda taken the piss out of the kid over the years for all the singing and dancing shite, but it got him his college paid for starting in the fall, also I saw a photo of him and his senior prom date, holy shit, she was beautiful-

(MAYBE WE SHOULD CONSIDER SOME OF THAT SINGING AND DANCING SHITE?)

I can't do any more shite than we already do.

-all the way up Thursday my Mom was "Now you'll come and get me on Sunday right?" to which my response was always a firm "No, no, a thousand times no". "But they have a ball game that day and can't bring me back." Good, I'm thinking, but all I say is, "The deal has always been I take you up, they bring you back." So she sulks the rest of the way which is fine cos when she's sulking she's not running her mouth.

The phone rings about ten Sunday morning.

Lori: Bill?
Bill: Yeah.
L: Mom wants to know what time you're coming today to pick her up.
B: At exactly fucking never. Give or take a few minutes.
L: That's what I thought, but she's saying she can't go to the ball game with us today cos you're coming to get her, she said you said you wanted to come up here today and go swimming.
B: I never said anything remotely like that. Swimming? That word never even came out of my mouth.

The woman is bat shit crazy for real. I hear my Mom talking to Lori in the background then a big sigh from Lori.

B: What now?
L: She's saying we can't go to the ball game cos one of us has to take her home.
B: Did you tell her to go piss up a rope?
L: No . . .
B: Then hand her the phone, I will.
L: Couldn't you just-
B: No way in hell.
L: All right. I'll just handle it my way.
B: You give in and bring her home today and I'll murder you both on the front fucking porch. I swear to God, with my bare fucking hands I'll tear you to fucking-
L: Bye.

Whatever. All I know is Lori didn't bring her home Sunday and I'm sure they all had just the loveliest day.

The phone rings again last night (Monday). They're having transport issues- the more vehicles you have the more vehicles you have to fuck up on you- and can I come get my Mom today (Tuesday)? God bless it, THAT'S NOT THE FUCKNG DEAL. But Lori did me a good turn last week so I agree.

Get up there around 11:00 this morning in my swim trunks-

Mom: I'm ready.
Bill: Well park your ass cos I'm going swimming.

And I did, spent a nice couple hours in the pool while my Mom fumed. I was so hung over when I first hit the water there was a cloud of steam that you could've hid a battleship in.

Still slow at the yard- we haven't rasied our prices in over seven months- ask Nancy about it not me, actually it bothers me exactly none cos I get paid the same regardless, not like I'm on fucking commission or anything- and word has gotten around that our prices are lower than everyone else's so the only people we get anymore are the ones who don't know better.

Ronnie continues to keep Bill entertained though, he was telling a story a while back about a guy who fell into a whale-

Bill: He fell into a WHALE?
Ron: Yep.
B: How the hell do you fall into a whale?
R: It was a big 'un.
B: I'm sure it was, but still . . . where was it?
R: In his front yard.
B: There was a whale in his front yard?
R: It was an old one he didn't know was there, it had been covered up and-
B: You're saying "well". aren't you?
R: Yep. Whale.

Just the other day he was talking about this guy having trouble with his sore-

R: Yeah, all this black stuff is 'a bubbling out of it and it stinks like hell.
B: That sounds terrible. What's he going to do about it?
R: He's going to have to dig up the old pipes and put in new ones.
B: You're saying "sewer" aren't you?
R: Shore. Sore.

Nancy keeps a couple of dogs in a pen up by the guard shack. I don't know why, but she does. Ronnie came back week before last concerned about one of them-

R: Husky's got foam around her mouth. I think she might be getting the hyderphoby.
B: The what? (I heard him, I just wanted to hear him say it again.).
R: The hyderphoby. They gets that, they gets mad.
B: Well sure. The hyderphoby and all.
R: People can gets it too. And they gets mad.
B: I know I'd be mad if I got the hyderphoby.

Turns out Husky had gotten overheated. Thank God it wasn't the hyderphoby.

Guy came in Friday with a couple big storage tanks on a trailer. I didn't like him before he even opened his mouth, I didn't like the way he got out of hs truck- seriously. Big bellied cocky motherfucker I could tell. And I was right. Not trying to be cocky myself but I eat these sons of bitches for lunch.

BBCMF: You're going to give me top dollar for them tanks. (He's telling, not asking)
B: Nope. (That seemed to take a little of the wind out of his sails.)
BBCMF: What?
B: We don't pay top dollar here. You want that you'll have to go somewhere else.

He ruminates a minute.

BBCMF: What do you pay?

I give him the price for unprepared P&S.

BBCMF: That the best you can do?
B: Yep.
BBCMF: Them's good tanks.
B: Best I can do.
BBCMF: Them-
B: We don't negotiate price here. Take it or leave it.

He didn't like it but decided since he was already here he'd take it.

B: Those tanks empty?
BBCMF: Sure.
B: I need to check.
BBCMF: I told you they were enpty
B: And I still need to check
BBCMF: (puffing all up) You calling me a liar?
B: Nope. But the guy who came in before you was a liar, and the guy who's coming in after you is a liar, so I gotta treat you all the same.

This confuses but seems to mollify him some so we climb up on the trailer and he opens up the first tank. There's about four or five inches of some kind of sludge in the bottom.

B: What's that shit?
BBCMF: Aw, that ain't much.
B: "Ain't much" ain't empty, either. I don't want 'em.
BBCMF: WHAT?
B: Not with that shit in there. Take 'em someplace else.
BBCMF: What?
B: Move on.

I thought he might bluster more but he didn't- he was busted and he knew it, no one's going to buy his tanks with that shit still in them, he was hoping I wouldn't look- he just left and took his dirty tanks somewhere else. Ronnie had pulled up toward the end of the exchange.

R: You done good there, Rambo. That coulda been hazardous toxics in that tank. We don't need that shit around here.
B: Sure don't. Might have been something in there could give a man the hyderphoby.
R: I don't think you can get the hyderphoby from hazardous toxics . . . but you can get somethin'.
B: I'm sure.
R: And it'll be somethin' you don't want.
B: I'm sure of that too.

So don't be bringing no fucking hazardous toxics down to the scrap yard, hear?

Best yet was yesterday when he comes in right before closing all puffed up, I can tell something's got him going, he marches up to the door of Nancy's office-

Ron: I'm mad.
Nancy: Why?
R: Cos you ain't got the size hoses that I need and now I got to go to the Jesus Store and get brainwasheded.

And he stomps out. Nancy comes to the door of her office.

N: Did you understand that?
B: Only the part about being mad. He means crazy.

And I do too.

What's Bill been doing?

Eating pretty well for one. Had steak three out of the past four Fridays, few weeks ago I had a very nice dinner with a friend at Applebee's- was almost late cos after I got in the car I forgot where I was going, and then when I remembered, I couldn't remember how to get there (this shit quit being funny a while ago)- had a rare sirloin with steamed vegetables and potato (and a beer), then Friday before last had a great dinner at Ron's, filet, grilled shrimp, sweet potato, grilled squash and zucchini, then this past Friday had dinner with Jean, Martha and Geri, filet again with shrimp pasta salad and fried green tomatoes. Beats the hell out of foil pack salmon and brown rice.

Sarah came in, we had a very nice, if too short visit, although she was being pretty damn obnoxious for a while there at Ron's. She went to her friend Patrick's wedding, saw some of her other friends, last Monday we went and saw Predators, formulaic as fuck but still not bad if you like that kind of thing, people fighting monsters, then had a late lunch at the Chinese buffet. It was going to be at that new Thai place in Cross Lanes but I FORGOT.

Which reminds me for some reason, someone asked if I'm still not using soap. Nope. Still fresh as a dasiy, too. And in another health and hygiene tip, those little harp looking things with the dental floss already in 'em? Lovely, so much easier than flossing with it wrapped around your fingers (which always ends up somehow wrapped around my throat).

Sorta remembered another mail bag question there but I lost it.

Went to see Ann Magnusson last Wednesay at the Empty Glass, WAY too fucking crowded for Bill's taste although it was good to see Jim L there, we had a reserved table up front through Danny knowing Ann. Jennifer, who I hadn't seen in months came and sat with me, that was nice. Ann looked old but sang well, it was a good show, I enjoyed it.

What's Bill been reading?

Been doing more writing than readng lately- that never to be seen lap top would have come in handy at the yard this past month, thanks for fucking nothing- but I think I'm about to give up on this gothic romance shit. It's too much like work and I hate it, and that's time I could spend doing something else.

I have read Blue-Eyed Devil, the latest in Robert Parker's Appaloosa series, two more Joe Kurtz books, Hard Freeze and Hard Something Else, some thick ass anthologies, The New Space Opera, 950 pages, thought I was going to have to marry the damn thing, and Grim Lands, 500 pages, biographies of Robert E. Howard and Neal Cassaday, a book about UFOs, one about dinosaurs- the bastards keep tearing away at my childhood- one about alligator/crocodile attacks and all 640 pages of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier And Clay by Michael Chabon.

It won the Pulitzer and had I known that beforehand I wouldn't have started reading it being a reverse snob that way, and it has its fair amount of arty-farty writing in it. But I have to say it's very good arty-farty writing, and the subject- the comic book industry from the late thirties to mid-fifties- is one close to Bill's heart. Good book.

Now I remember the question from before, someone asked, "How do you come up with all the quotes for the NL?", well, I fucking read a lot, don't I? Also some of them I just make up.

As for comics, Bill's read the Trinity and Infinite Crisis graphic novels and they were both HORRIBLE- I was going to say they sucked donkey dicks but I already said that once- I love the DC characters but I have to say a lot of the recent DC big deal stuff I've read has been confusing and really badly written. Also the complete Rocketeer- RIP Dave, God bless you, you could draw- a Killraven update, good but he's still wearing that gay male stripper outfit, a Grimjack collection, mostly cos of Bill's nostalgia for the late '80's when GJ was current- also got it for $2.95, SSSLB, and while Tim Truman wasn't drawing GJ by that point, Danny talked to old Timbo recently about doing some work for our comic shit, TT gets FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS A PAGE. FOR PENCILS ONLY. There's gold in them thar fucking comic book hills boys. Fuck gothic romance, I gotta get into comics.

You've started something
Oh, can't you see

What's Bill been watching?

As I've mentioned before I sometimes go to you.tube- more on that later in DFZ news- to listen to old songs and the other day I looked up "I Only Want to Be With You", a nice bouncy number from Bill's youth and I was in the mood for nice and bouncy. I was looking for Petula Clark's original when up popped a listing for Samantha Fox's '80's cover. I vaguely remembered the video- there was some dire, dire music in the 80's and some dire, dire videos to go along with them- but I definitely remembered Samantha, a big breasted brown eyed bottle blond Brit- say that three times real fast- of limited talent but much eye appeal.

I remembered correctly. The video is a damn train wreck but dear Sam seems to be having the time of her life and she's young, cute and built like a top heavy brick shithouse so what's not to like? I love it. Check it out.

Also on you.tube the AK Forty Sexuals have a video up of them doing "Death Falcon Zero Is Here For Your Women". Tender ballad it is. After Lukas introduces DFZ as "the greatest luchadore wrestler in all of West Virginia" Joe Ng can be heard from the crowd going "He saved my life! No really . . . he saved my life." Yeah, and I've had second thoughts ever since.

What's Bill been listening to?

Social Distortion (2) Soft Boys (2) Sonic Youth (3) Sonics (1)- DFZ's favorite band, by the way- Soul Asylum (1) J.D. Souther (1) Spacemen 3 (1) Spinal Tap (2) Spirit (2) Spooky Tooth (1) Springsteen (2) Terry Stafford (1)- "Suspicion", GREAT, great song- Steely Dan (3).

What's Bill been drinking? Lots.

As for DFZ, worked a couple times for Allen since last issue, ended up only working twice for Mike on the 3rd due to miscommunication from- not with, from- our buddy Viper, who changed both the venue and the time like on July 1st. Could have still made it if he'd given me the time change along with the venue change, oh well, he ended up with a lot of guys not making it because of this, also the new show was outside and hot as balls (according to Freebird BC who made Viper's show only to come to Mike's second show and get his ass handed to hm by DS 2.0), and this new show was also a free one with the worker's being paid in pig. Serious, it was at some pig roast and instead of money the workers got free food. Thank you, no. Now if it was free beer . . .

Shane and I worked singles Mike's afternoon show, teamed to take on Freebird and Tracey Smothers in the semi-main- if you're not working Mike H you're not main event in MWA. Tracey has been around for 20+ years, worked for all the big companies, NWA, WWF, ECW, Japan, Puerto Rico, (he's still six years younger than me) besides tons of local belts he was an NWA US Tag Team champ, pretty big time guy (at one time, obviously not on July 3, 2010) reminds me a LOT of Bobby, not as good in the ring- although he's still very good- better on the mike.

(JUST ANOTHER BITCH TO ME)

I have to say that after a fun match, DS 2.0 Vs. Freebird and Tracey ended with DFZ hitting the loaded mask head butt and pinning former- operative word here being former- star Tracey Smothers.

There's more to tell about that weekend so I think I'll just pick it up there next issue.

Anything from you before we leave?

(I HEAR THE WHISTLE BUT I CAN'T GO/I'M GONNA TAKE HER DOWN TO MEXICO)

Yeah. More on that next issue as well.

Later

Bill