8/4/02

My Head Hurts

Greetings puny earthlings,

A rare Sunday morning edition, can't sleep for reasons we'll go into later, figure I can't get into trouble sitting at the computer (although if there's a way . . . ), so-

What's Bill drinking? Well, I've had a couple shots of Wild Turkey, and now I'm drinking a Bud, which is a bit out of line for a Sunday morning, I'll admit, but it's medicinal, trust me. Besides, I'm on vacation this week, though the girls don't come back home till tomorrow.

Went 12 days without a beer, well, stopped at Joe's on the way home from Huntington on Wednesday for about an hour, drank a Foster's, could only get the one down, I've totally gone off it for some reason, it tastes sweet to me now, I can't abide a sweet beer, don't buy any more on MY account, although I have to admit, I drank a couple late last night tasted awful damn good.

Joe came over Friday night and hooked up the scanner for me, I went up to the Farmer's Market at lunch that day and got some new beers to try, here's our review, in the order we drank them.

First up was Samuel Smith's India Ale, ("top fermented in Stone Yorkshire Squares"). Excellent. Wonderful. As good as beer gets, crisp, flavorful, refreshing, just drinkable as all hell. A fine beer, Joe and I both strongly recommend. Four stars out of four. The only drawback is it's $3.01 a bottle price tag, I could go through $60 of this stuff in a good night, easy.

Next up, Ayinger Ur-Weisse, "an authentic Bavarian dunkel-weisse". From the sublime to the shit. Fucking horrible. Joe thought it had an aftertaste of gasoline, I thought gunpowder. Thick, sweetish, with all this sediment- yuck. If you took 3 or 4 used bottle rockets and soaked them in a pitcher of sugar water overnight and then drank the resulting sludge, it'd probably taste a lot like this, I got it cos some tennis shorts wearing South Hills piece of shit yuppie FUCK was going on about how good it was to his buddy, I should have fucking KNOWN if somebody like that liked anything, I would hate it. Joe and I both agreed we'd rather drink Jack's wine vomit. $3.39 for 17 ounce bottle, I wouldn't drink this shit for free.

Pinkus Organic Ale (sort of a scary name), also German. Okay, but gargling lye after that last shit would've been okay. Nothing special, at 3.19 for 17 ounces, pass.

Lastly, La Tropical Cerveza, from Mexico. I'm not a big Mex beer fan, (but have I ever mentioned I LOVE their wrestling?), fucking think Corona is one of the most overrated beers out there, along with Coors, SC Steve Austin lost ALL credibility with me when he drank Coors LIGHT in the ring, that shit's not even BEER, it's malt water for fucking pussies. La Tropical- good, comes in a green bottle like Heineken, and has a similar taste, I'd give it a 2 and a half stars (Heinies come in at 3 on the Bitner scale). $1.75 a bottle.

Also got a bottle of Fat Bastard red on wino Martha's recommendation (thanks for the corkscrew, by the way, Mr. Sophistication here normally just digs the cork out with a knife), it was very good, I'm never going to be a big wine drinker I fear, cos none of it really tastes good to me, but this was not bad at all, Laura said it was smooth, and I agree, none of that funky aftertaste crap that puts me off so many wines. If you like red wine, try some Fat Bastard, it's pretty inexpensive, too (and if you just like fat bastards, come down to Joe's with me some time).

Anyone else watching that show about drinks on Food Network? I've watched a couple, great idea, they go around the world to all these breweries and distilleries, but I have a hard time getting past the annoying as hell host, he's a fucking fool, hate him. Rachel Rae is just as big a drinker, maybe more so, with the added benefit of being cute as a damn bug, as well, I wish they'd given the show to her, even if she does use words like "groovy" and "yummy" and "delish", (I got yer delish right here, Rach).

The weight is going up slowly, but the over consumption thing is finished, it was making me sick. It's hard for me to put on weight any other way, though. I did steroids once, back in 92, got 'em from a guy who was working with me at Abraxas, at that time there was this sort of macho cult thing among a lot of the male staff there, they were hired in for that, I think, lot of former college athletes, I sort of stupidly fell into it a little bit, so, I took a 3 week course of steroids, and let me tell you, I understand the attraction. I felt like fucking Godzilla- actually, I probably would fuck Godzilla right about now, although that's not what I meant- lifted like I've never done before or since, drank gallons of this nasty protein shit, put on 18 pounds of solid fucking muscle. In THREE WEEKS. It was incredible. Never took them again, for various reasons- they were expensive, the obvious health concerns, and I'm not talking your brain or bone damage, that shit makes your dick shrivel up, and really, it was nothing but keeping up with the Jones's, and I've tried real hard all my life not to buy into that shit. But I understand why the people who do steroids, do 'em.

Not much happening on the love front, got a couple e-mails from Sharon (Books a Million girl on your score sheet) that were fairly innocuous considering our last face to face, e-mailed her back, but I think it'll be quite a while before we have coffee again. Also heard from Staci (she would be Miss Wrestling Mask on that same sheet), first she was going to be coming back through this weekend and wanted to hook up (her words), then it got changed to next weekend, which puts me in even more of a quandry (the computer is telling me this is spelled wrong) than I was already in. I've got the girls next weekend, don't really want to ditch them just so I can get laid, and I'm actually a little concerned about that anyway, she's been at Key West all summer, and she's obviously a friendly thing-

Allow me a second here if you will to go off on fucking condoms. I FUCKING HATE CONDOMS. When I was last strapping on on a regular basis, say back in 76, the height of video game technology was Pong, computers were the size of a house and all had names like 50's robot monsters (God help us, it's Univac!), and condoms were these horrible desensitizing things that may as well have been made by Playtex (they don't call 'em rubbers for nothing), yeah, honey, that was great, as long as I got this thing on I think I'm going to go fill the sink with boiling water and scrub the dishes with my dick. Now here it is all this time later, we all see where video and computers have gone- and we're still stuck with the same shitty fucking condoms. I realize it's cos all the vid/computer whizzes never need to wear condoms that protective technology hasn't seen the same advancement, but jeez, Louise, guys, there's gotta be something better than what's out there now.

I read a lot of odd magazines, there's this one about Asian culture that has all this Japanese stuff for sale, they've got what are supposed to be the best condoms in the world in Japan, at $45 for a dozen, I'd say they'd better be. In fact, for that price, you shouldn't even need a partner. I'm actually thinking about ordering some, my new sexual reality insists that I protect myself (and them), and these damn Trojans (I always thought that was the most hilarious name for condoms, think about it) don't cut it.

So, I don't know. I could certainly use the relief and release a night of bed wrestling with Staci would provide, but I'm not sure I want to risk it. Read the next exciting issue to find out how it all turns out.

What else has been doing? Lots, we're just getting started here (you know, you guys don't need me to tell you what I'm drinking when I do these, the ones that go on for like fucking ever are when I'm on the beer).

Watched Reign of Fire this week, didn't think it was as horrible as everyone else seems to, but it's not very good. Cool idea, piss poor execution, and every five minutes you're going, wait, that doesn't make any SENSE. On TV, tried to watch "Tell 'em Willie Boy Is Here", yesterday morning, with total punk ass Robert Blake, always hated him, when everyone was going off on Baretta, - before most of your times- and was saying how cool he was, I was saying, cool punk ass, maybe. Of course, then THEY'D say, you're just jealous cos he's on TV and you're not, and I'd have to say, ya got me there. Anyway, I tried to watch it- couldn't get through it-cos it was another movie I saw- make that attended- that golden summer at the drive in with the aforementioned Marsena from issue- whichever. Also went to Electraglide In Blue that summer with her, have to admit that one was pretty good, RB notwithstanding.

I have a picture of Marsena, I may put it in one of these sometime now that I have a functioning scanner, in her cap and gown, walking with me at graduation. Don't know how its done now, or was ever done in civilized places, but when I was in high school guys marched with girls, and the girls had to ask the guys, and Marsena asked me, one night when we'd stopped for a bit when I was giving her a ride home from work. I told her not to talk with her mouth full (jeez, sorry).

What's Bill been reading? A couple mysteries, a couple SF novels, all so damn formulaic they made me sick with envy, that these talentless fuckers are getting published and living my fucking life. Drains is at about 20,000, slowing down some, not losing interest at all, just been busy with other things, no, I'm going to finish the son of a bitch this time, watch me.

Also read biographies of Andrew Loog Oldham (could've been interesting if he'd talked more about the Rolling Stones and Swinging London of the late 60's, went on to much about boring old Andrew) and Keith Moon, great drummer, funny guy, and as callous a fuck as ever was, had a shit hot wife who left him for among other thinks drinking and ill nature and inattention, and yeah, who am I to throw that stone.

Dave, finally got those songs mixed that you wanted, I'll try and get it to you sometime this week, maybe the girls and I will run up there some evening, let me know if there's one that's best for you.

Now for the good stuff, the piece de resistance (although in this case more like the coup de grace). Wrestling.

Firstly, you'll see below- at least I hope you will- a few DFO shots taken backstage in Hagerstown- you can tell I took it real seriously. If these go out as hoped, look for in the next few days a photo of DF0 and Punkazz, some pictures of Los Hermanos Sangre taken at our Hermanos lair, for all you ladies and homosexual men, some beefcake photos of the Death Falcon posing without his shirt on (I know it's quite immodest of me to say this about my own alter ego, but the fucker IS built) and- last night.

Here's the short version. I watch too much Mexican wrestling. Went to do a back flip off the ropes onto a guy standing outside the ring. Have I ever done this before? Do you think I'm fucking crazy? Probably should have told him what I was doing, cos when I came down he wasn't there. Hit my head on- something- (I was wrestling without a mask for reasons we won't go into now, I'm running out of steam, started this at 9:30) and laid it wide open. I think I might have a damn concussion, my big head's throbbing like my little one normally does. You've never seen the fucking blood. My shirt was drenched- it's hanging in my bathroom now, stiff as a board and drawing flies, kind of creepy, I think I can see Jesus' face in there, I'll let you know when he starts talking to me, when I got home and stripped off for my shower last night my UNDERWEAR was soaked in blood, I had blood in my fucking socks, I must've swallowed a damn pint, and then where I tried to spit it back out I had these nasty blood drool things hanging off my beard. Lord, the things we do for love.

Anyway, Joe was there, and photos were taken. They may actually be too gruesome to print, we'll see. And Joe, tell 'em, you were there. I nailed that fucking flip, didn't I? I'm serious, do one of those things were you can reply to this and send it out to everyone and tell 'em Willie boy is here, nah, fuck, don't tell 'em that. Tell 'em I nailed that flip (it was the landing that sucked).

I'm gonna go lay down. If I die, let this be my epitaph. HE NAILED THAT FUCKING FLIP.

Hey, get back to me and let me know if you got the pictures, they're not showing up on this thing.

Bill