Hurry on sundown
See what tomorrow brings

Hey

Back again for ISSUE #75, I thought about doing something big and special for this platinum anniversary, but I couldn't think of what, so I guess it's just gonna be more of the same old shit. Which is actually more appropriate than anything else I could have come up with, anyway.

What's Bill been up to these past ten days since issue last? No good, mostly.

On the social front, let's see, Dave came over twice last week, Monday and Tuesday, and yes, you're right, that must be one very bored man, second time he brought some beer and we played guitars a little bit, he brought some Murphy's Red, a brew mentioned in a previous issue, I tried it, I liked it, very good dark Brit tasting beer, though it's brewed in Holland, by Murphy the damn Dutchman I guess, those pints are potent at 10 proof, again, a VERY good beer, check it out you beer drinkers. He brought some other stuff as well, and as a result, Dave also holds the record for giving me, in over thirty years of serious beer drinking, THE ABSOLUTE WORST beer I have ever tasted in my life. Congratulations, big guy. The "beer" in question is Micheloeb Ultra, their low carb light beer, and I swear to God, my own piss tastes about a hundred times better. The low carb may as well stand for carbonation cos it's got next to no fizz, next to no punch, and next to no fucking taste, and what little taste it has, sucks. Stick a used sparkler in a glass of flat club soda, leave overnight, drink the next morning, you got M.U.C. (the initials say it all). The two you left are still in the refrigerator, and trust me, they'll still be here next time you come over (don't be a stranger).

Oh yeah, by the way Dave, I also got some bad news for you, these aliens came to my house, no, they were pirates, alien pirates, and they stole your Telecaster and they said that if you tried to make me pay you for it they'd come to your house and drink all your Schlitz and make you drink Micheloeb Ultra, and beat you up and make you wear a dress and sing "I'm poor little Buttercup" while they threw alien pirate eggs at at you, so, I'm sorry man, but what could I do, there was like a hundred of them at least, and The Death Falcon wasn't home, so . . ? And then after they left I missed your Tele so much I went out and bought one just like it, but see, this one is mine because the alien pirates took yours. Okay?

What else? Wednesday afternoon Sarah and I (Rachie was spending the week at Lori's, swimming and going to the Gallia Co. fair) attended this wedding type thing at Davis Park there in Charleston. I ended up walking the bride down the . . . well, bricks, there wasn't really an aisle, and Sarah was a bridesmaid or something, she was standing under the pavilion with 'em, anyway, those in attendance were the absolute definition of motley crew (as opposed to suckass Crue), folks were coming out of their surrounding offices to gawk, there were bikers and goth kids and street people, and . . . wrestlers.

Specifically, wrestler, even more specifically, incredible old school fucking icon IVAN KOLOFF. And I have photos to prove it, as soon as I finish that damn roll (the same with Harley on it) we'll get it on here, me and Sarah and Ivan. Sarah and I hung out with Ivan and his wife Rene there on a bench in Davis park for about half an hour before the wedding, it was great, he's a HELL of a nice guy, gotten a bit big, got a bad limp, he was showing me his left ankle, it's the size of a fucking softball, been broken four times, got that old school sliced up forehead, we just hung and shot the shit, a little wrestling, but mostly about our kids and work and shit. Joe, I swear, if I'd known he was going to be there (I was told he was, I just didn't believe it) I'd have let you know so you could've taken a late lunch and come over, not to like participate or anything, just so you could've gone like, "Jesus, there's Bill hanging out with IVAN KOLOFF"!

Got ready to leave, shook hands and all, he can tell there's something I want to say, "What?' he asks. "Well," I says, "you look like Ivan, but you don't sound like Ivan". So he takes off on this spiel in Ivan voice, and finishes with "Let me give you Russian hug good bye, comrade," and then did. Ivan Koloff called me comrade and gave me a Russian hug. Fucking HELL. IVAN KOLOFF!

What's Bill drinking? What the hell do you think? Got a bunch more 22 oz. Buds on sale, going through them like water. Did well this week, though, drank those few with Dave on Tuesday, other than that it was green tea and water cos I knew I was supposed to be working this weekend, got back on the steps and weights this week, man, already way out of shape, it was discouraging, worked out like a damn pansy (OR CHIMPANZEE), no, that'd be you, more on the working later in Death Falcon's Corner.

Listening to? Well, Sarah's watching some movie here behind me on shitbag AMC (I'm thinking about capitalizing shitbag and making it part of the station's title) about Klaus Von Bulow because it has Jeremy Irons in it, she loves both him and Alan Rickman, I don't know, she's got some thing for withered old Brits. Gonna put something on the headphones here in a few minutes.

That brings us up to Thursday. Went down to Ashland, had an excellent workout, working on a new finisher as well since all these pussies are afraid of the Falcon Arrow, it's a variation of Hayabusa's (stealing from him again, the bastard's gonna come after me in his fucking wheelchair for copyright infringement) Thunder H, Bob took it a couple times, says it's a little stiff, but if they can't take it they shouldn't be wrestling. HELLO, HANNIBAL!

Hung out with Bob at his house for a while after that, watching wrestling tapes and drinking NL (urgh), again, enjoyed it, Bobby's a good old boy in the good sense, talks like my dad, he had to make a speech earlier that day he didn't know he had to do-

Bi: What'd you do? Bo: I just wung it. Bi: The whole thing? Bo: Yep, whole kitchen canoodle

He just wung the whole kitchen canoodle. What a guy.

At reading and writing and arithmetic, you're the best in the class But if you had to take a loving test, I doubt if you could pass Wonder boy

What I want to know is where you sign up to take one of those loving tests? And if you fail, do you get to take it again? And again . . . you know, sorry, baby, I'm just slow.

Now I'm listening to Leslie Gore, if the above quoted lyrics didn't clue you. I don't know about the DF, but I have a thing for those early sixties girl groups (HEY, DON'T LEAVE ME OUT, I DO TOO) and singers like Leslie, I was of an age where hearing all those sweet, seductive voices come out of the car radio would give me a tingle I really didn't understand at the time, and I guess I got imprinted or something, because I still get that tingle, and I understand it now. Love the Shirelles, great songs, great voices, ditto for the Shangri-La's, I'd lead their damn pack in a heartbeat, Leslie G is cool, some quite excellent songs here on her Best Of, as well as stuff like-

When I'm with my guy and he's watching all the pretty girls go by And I feel so hurt deep inside I wish that I could die Not a word do I say, I just look the other way Cos that's the way boys are

Later she talks about "when he treats me rough"(?!). This is pretty Neaderthalian (I still pronounce the "h" even though now they say you're not supposed to- fucking revisionists, leave my words alone) shit even for 3/9/64 when this baby was #12 in the pop charts. Leslie wasn't that pretty in real life, but she had one of those pretty little girl's voices, and this song always makes me want to pound the fucking bean soup out of that "boy" for being the way he are, and comfort poor Leslie in a nice manly way. I said nice MANLY way.

Like everything else in this world, Lucha Libre has gone to hell. Galavision has had the same show on for the past three weeks (and not that good a show, either), no, I haven't watched the whole thing each time, it's on tape, so if you've seen the beginning you know you've seen the whole thing. They've also added dancing girls just like their Norte Americano counterparts, at least these girls do that ultra sexy (to me, anyway, Loretta used to shake her ass like that) Latino hip shake/roll kind of thing that they do so well, instead of that horrific pop and lock BS (Britney, rhymes with "you're shittin' me", Spears, or bullshit, take your pick) that the incredibly lame Nitro Girls used to do, when I cringe and holler "GET 'EM OUTTA HERE!" at a bunch of good looking women coming out to dance, you know they have to be doing something very, very wrong.

As long as we're on the subject of the idiot box-

(YOU TALKING ABOUT MY ROOM?)

No, sweetheart.

(DON'T CALL ME SWEETHEART)

Sorry, the beer's getting to me. I'm talking about television. Watched "Dr. Strangelove" last week, hadn't seen it for a while, I'd forgotten how good and funny it was, just great acting from top to bottom- Sterling Hayden? Peter Sellers?- give me a break. George C. Scott is just a fucking hoot, wonderful performance, back in the days before he started taking himself so damn fucking seriously, I think one of the worst things that can happen to a person is when they do that, ala (and you know I had to work this shit in here somewhere) Loretta I'mtoogoodforanyoneoranythingIusedtoknoworlove Gandhi Whore.

You think this is bad? Wait until the girls move. I'm thinking about starting a website called "Loretta Sucks" with visual documentation. Seriously.

I heard that R. Reagan was a big fan of this movie (Dr. S, not my home ones, and do you think he got it? . . . nah, me neither) and when he was elected, one of his first requests was to be taken to the big War Room that's in "Dr. Strangelove." The mother fucker thought it was real. And he was our president for 8 years. Wouldn't you have loved to have been the person he asked? "Well, you see, I would, but that was JUST A SET IN A MOVIE, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING MORON MR. PRESIDENT SIR."

More on politics, which I despise, but this is funny. George Bush, talking about homos, or something, even though he's trying to squash some legalized gay marriage law- "We're all sinners, and I'd caution those who try to take a speck out of their neighbor's eye when they have a log in their own." They got what? A LOG in their eye? This guy should do fucking stand up.

I was getting the oil changed in the car the other day and looking at an Esquire, first one I've ever looked at that I can recall, weird place to pick one up, I only did because it had Jennifer Lopez on the front (I refuse to use that gag inducing J. Lo shit, maybe if she had a nickname like Hammerin' Hank or the Russian Nightmare) (OR THE SCOURGE OF ASIA), she's someone who I don't rate at all, but she looked good in this, had her done up in these '40's style pin-up poses, anyway, there's this guy in there, leader of Zimbabwe, his name escapes my drunken lobes at the moment, any stab I might take at it would only be construed as racist babble, I'm sure, he's going on in some damn speech about "gay Tony gay Blair of the United gay Kingdom" I don't know, for some reason I found that hilarious.

As for upcoming movies- and I quite often leave out the classics, like say "Lawrence Of Arabia" which was on tonight (8/3) because I tend to assume everyone with a lick of damn sense has already seen them- remember the Mothra movies I talked about a month or ten years or whenever ago? They're back on 8/31 on Sci-Fi Channel, all 3, starting at 9 am, after them are the TWO MOST RECENT GODZILLA MOVIES, Godzilla Vs. Mechaguirus and Godzilla Vs. MGD, which have never been shown over here to my knowledge, these are post Godzilla 2000, I am totally, totally there, all day, I am going to get so pounded and get off on these movies, it's gonna be great. Dave, I'm not good for Mountain Stage that night, might still be for the other.

I really do hate the Sci-Fi (you already know what you're getting by the shit ass fucking name, how about SCIENCE FICTION or even SF, not that pop ass Sci-Fi) Channel, I mean, to me a science fiction channel should be more than reruns of Quantum fucking Leap and original shit on the level of the USA Network. I HATE IT, notorious crab ass (YOU?), no not me, Harlan Ellison, said . . . oh damn your ass.

(WHAT?)

You made me forget what Harlan Ellison said. Seriously. Well, anyway, it was something bad about the Sci-Fi Network. Next.

Also watched "Fantastic Voyage" the other day killing time on the couch, plot wise it's the ridiculous piled on the absurd, but I love the trippy '60's lava lamp special effects, and Raquel Welch in her skin tight white diving suit is a special effect all her own.

As for the Death Falcon video, I've been a fucking lump and not pursued filming at all like I should have, I get a director and all around knowledgeable film type guy lined up (he did this quite good animated film that I watched over at Joe's) and then have pretty firmly embedded thumb up my ass ever since. It's not just me, I lost a major performer (actors are such tempermental beasts) and haven't found a replacement yet, though I'm actively soliciting (and once again, Ron, thanks for the beer coupons, be in my fucking movie, dude), but it is mostly me, here's a public apology to Mike, who's getting this one, as well as the last, let me know if you want on (or off) the list, I'm getting my shit together, seriously, there's filming soon in our future if you're still up for it.

" . . . this is a very 'eavy microphone stand . . . no queen could brandish this, I tell you that . . .this is a real man's microphone stand . . . 'ere, Dave, where you get these microphone stands from? . . . they're really 'eavy . . . and so are you . . . we're going to do something really 'eavy soon . . . like fall off the stage on top of you with two 'undred weight of microphone stand in me 'ands . . . you're a very tiny person, aren't you? . . . you're all very tiny down there . . .

How Spinal tap is that, but I'm listening to Hawkwind now. Love that intro, that's not from a fucking bootleg, that's an actual release. "You're a very tiny person, aren't you?"

(YOU'RE KILLING ME)

What?

(YOU'LL DO ANYTHING DO AVOID TALKING ABOUT ME. DAMMIT, IT'S TIME FOR MY CORNER)

Well, I'm not going that far, but I will talk about you, okay? It's rasslin' news time.

(I DON'T 'RASSLE, YOU CONDESCENDING FUCK)

So noted, and thanks for putting me in my place. As for the TV taping we were supposed to do Friday, Bob called all day Thursday to confirm, and answer came there none. Cancelled. Was I surprised? No, I was not.

Bob and I drive up Saturday (8/2) to Nutters Fork, we're gonna work the Blackberry Festival for Mason Dixon. I was supposed to work Punchy McGee (Joe- PUNCHY MCGEE!) and he was gonna put me over, Bob said he'd probably juice, I'm like, where's he stick it, cos some of these numb nuts fucks stick their damn blades in their wrist tapes, exposed, you can cut the fuck outta yourself if you don't know it's there, Bob's like, no, his forehead's just all tore up, you glom (one of Bob's favorite words) a stiff forearm or something, he's just gonna start bleeding.

THAT didn't work out, Punchy was a no show, so they put me with their big dog, Brock Singleton- 6' 3", 265, totally legit stats, this boy is huge, he wrestled for West Point and was #10 in the nation his senior year, did his service time, this guy was #373 in the PWI 500 last year and if he wants it he's WWE material, I'm thinking WHAT?, but at the same time, I'm totally fucking thrilled, working a guy like this will legitimize the DF big time. I go around back of the bread truck we're changing in to meet him and work out the match, he's standing there with his valet, Sasha, this buxom Vegas looking blond, he's got all these ass kissers standing around kissing ass, I'm working up this real hatred for him (YOU WERE?), I step up and introduce myself- and he's like the nicest guy in the fucking world. Seriously.

We worked out a fantastic match, I was afraid it was supposed to be a squash, no way, we were looking at 10 to 12, he was all about keeping the DF strong, he was going to take the Falcon Arrow for fuck's sake, he was going to kick out cos he was taking the win, but still . . . and Sasha, up close, was like the girl next door made up to be a Vegas showgirl, we exchanged a couple recipes, and laundry tips, they both loved my Underarmor top, Brock's been thinking about something similar, for the same reason I did, she's like, "Is it hard to take care of", "No, darling, rinse it, wring it, hang it, you're good to go" so if you see Mr. Singleton in Underarmor on Raw, thank me. Enjoyed their company, got their e-mail, who'd have thunk it.

There was this great crowd there too, 300 hundred easy, and they were marks to the bone, they were FIRED UP. It was gonna be a hell of a show.

What happened? We were match 5, right under Bobby and the Stro main event. During match 2 there was this enormous thunder and lightning downpour, lasted for an hour, wrecked the ring, sent everyone home. The show was cancelled.

There was this guy there, worked as The Thrillbilly, big fat mother fucker the way I saw it, they were selling this weird ass concoction at the concession stands up there, wet tomato-y rice with sausage in it, he ate two HUGE buckets of it right before my eyes, Bob, being Bob, kept calling him the "Hill Frilly", then couldn't figure out why I kept falling down laughing.

Everyone note this date on your calendars- Friday, September 26th. Big (and I mean BIG) show in Ashland, this idiot's putting up big bucks to promote a show at the Field House- not the Armory, and not the parking lot of Pritchard Lawn Care, but the 1000 capacity Field House- he's bringing in Buff Bagwell, and a bunch of talent from Cleveland All Pro, and the Stro is coming back up. In fact, even though this is going to be a CPW show, he's told Bob that other than him, he's only willing to book 3 of his guys, me, Kris and Travis. Am I proud I made the cut? Yes, I am. I'm gonna work the Stro, and I'm looking at a decent payday as well, Bob asked me if I'd work for a buck and a quarter, I said bullshit, I've been making more than that in beer at Pritchard's, he clarified, $125, yeah, absolutely, hardly big bucks, but not bad by my standards.

I'm also going down to Smithers on 8/9 for a MSWA show, Ricky Morton will be there, also Tracy Smothers, I may be "Mystery Partner" with the WV Wrecking Crew against Urban Death Squad and Ricky Morton, find out when I get there, hoping my archivist Joe will come down (hey, and bring the girls with you, okay, I have to get there early and "audition"- I know, man, I know) (I INTEND ON AUDITIONING THEIR ASSES, ACTUALLY), you know what, you just do it, big boy, you 'audition" the fuck right out of 'em.

What else? Well Robby (who?), you know, Gothic Picnic Boy, is now yesterday's news, new boy (damn, give my baby credit, she don't go long without one) is Henry, once again, he seems like a very nice young man, he was out here Saturday night after I got back from my rain out, good looking kid, he and Sarah seem to get along well, he goes to Marshall, two months from now he'll be another statistic.

Think I'm gonna bail, I'm 8 X 22 oz. into the beer. Anything you want to say?

(WHEN I GET FITTED FOR BIONIC ARMS THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONNA WISH IT WEREN'T BORN)

Yeah, well, boy howdy, I'm not gonna argue that. Good night to you.

(AND TO YOU)

And to you.

Later

Bill