|
9/14/07 Me And A Monkey On The Moon
"We're not gonna be eatin' no worms or nothin' like that, no wife swappin'. It's all about positive stuff." Mr. T Hey Well, I'm with you there T (although personally I don't have anything against either eating worms or wife swapping, depending on how many worms you swap your wife for) but still, positive stuff, yeah, I'm all about it again, it's funny how ejaculating a couple-three times into something beside your hand will improve a person's mood. Improves mine, anyway. Got off schedule and missed getting an issue out last Sunday night/Monday morning, sorry to you two who wrote you were disappointed, after looking forward to coming to work that morning and killing some time wth the latest issue- quit your job, what can I say- but I was busy ejaculating a couple-three times into something beside my hand. However, the only jerkaltin' we got going tonight is in here, let's get to it. I guess the most important news is that Sarah got to the UK safe and sound, and is doing well- I know, how could she not? Those of you who have her e-mail address, I'm sure she'd love to hear from you. Not to get too preachy right at the start- other than those few, "where's my Monday morning NL" letters, the mail bag remains quiet- but I have to say I think the most evil lie one person can tell another is to say "I love you" and not mean it. I'm not just pulling that out of my ass, it has relevance, and you know, that may well be the only lie- cos you know what, I AM a good guy, just not a very nice one, I'll break the gear shift off of your car and try to beat your brains in with it, but I'll never look you in the eyes and tell you I love you while doing so- again, it may be the only lie I've never told . . . no wait, there's two, cos you remember that story about how I saved Famke Janssen from Bigfoot, and then she and I had sex, yes, right there in the woods, and then Bigfoot came back and I kicked his ass, and then Famke and I had sex again, and then Bigfoot came back with Mothman (Joe saw him) and I kicked BOTH of their asses, and then Famke and I had sex yet again, and then we all had Slurpees? Well, that's true. My Mom spent week before last with Lori cos I was out of town for a few days- more later- did us both a lot of good, although it wasn't long after I got her home that she started getting on, and up, my ass again, it's just what she does. I took an unscientific (the best kind as far as I'm concerned) poll earlier this week, gave three different people an example of something my Mom had done and asked, "is this just me being pissy?", they all said no, it would annoy the fuck out of them as well, but they may have just been saying that so I didn't get pissy with them. Most of this annoying crap is patently attention seeking behavior on her part, although that hypercritical/negativity thng has always been there, honestly, if I shit gold bricks she'd complain that they were too big. Al. Lord help us. As I've been trying to get across in here for some months now, his disease hasn't just taken his memory, now it's making him stupid. Goddamn motherfucking stupid. Even after his dairy counter adventure he'll still lean on anything, he keeps knocking over this cardboard cut out at the Huntington Rt. 60 Ponderosa (as expected, we've been politely asked to stay away from the one in Ohio, no hard feelings on my part, fuck, I don't blame 'em- and while I'm here, I finally found out how Al can go in a stall and shit all over the outside of his pants while getting nothing in the crapper itself, I stopped to put air in one of my tires day before yesteday, Al gets out of the car as well, "Where you going, Al?", "Just need to stretch my legs", okay, well, I should have known better, a minute later I look up and he's standing there in the middle of the parking lot with his drawers down, taking a piss- he has to drop them cos of the Depends, he can't just piss out of his zipper like, well, like someone who doesn't have to wear adult diapers- or rather, he's trying to take a piss, what happens is instead of pissing he takes a big dump while standing there, all down his scrawny legs and onto his dropped drawers. Mother fuck me blind- I just stopped here to put air in my fucking tire. Yes, I was tempted, very sorely tempted indeed, to just get in the car and drive away- but, instead I got the clean Depends and pants out of my trunk and got Al changed there in the parking lot. One death wish moron honked and hollered something as he drove by, but other than that I'm not sure that many people even noticed- what's that you said? No, you're right, no matter how much they're paying me, it's not enough)- and so . . . where were we? Oh yeah, he kept trying to lean on this cardboard display, he knocked it over but both times I managed to catch him before he fell on his face, they finally took and moved it, thank you, last week while we're there one of the waitresses brings him another Pepsi while his first one is still about half fuill, Al studies them for a minute, then tips the half full one up and tries to pour it into the full one, with the result that Pepsi goes all over the fucking place. Bill: For Christ's sake, Al, don't you know you can't pour any more
Pepsi into an already full glass? Too fucking true, and I was an idiot to even ask. Still, it's funny what he can remember sometimes. This week we're having lunch there, up at the buffet getting our food when Al suddnely lurches into me- B: You okay? -which was a pretty cogent assessment of the situation, I'd seen her out of the corner of my eye, a damn big ass woman indeed (don't even get me started on the fatted calves, steers and heifers that eat at this place, or the prodigious and wholly unnecessary amounts of grub they cram down their whey faced pie holes) had given Al a hip check, to insure she got first crack at the new tray of fried chicken they'd just brought out. She heard him, gave us both this weak ass, I suppose apologetic, smile, I gave her my "someone oughta kill your ass, bitch" glare in return, Al and I return to our seats. I get up later to get a plate of fruit for Al, Al loves his fruit, I tell him to just sit still, I'll be right back- Robby wasn't with us- cos his knee was hurtng, he says yeah, okay, that's a good idea, ten seconds later I'm at the buffet and Al is right behind me, "What are we doing?", he asks, Jesus, when suddenly he flinches, "What's wrong, Al?', "Careful," he says, "that big ass woman will knock you down," and by God, it was her, again loading up on the fried chicken- I felt like telling her, just take the whole tray back to your table, why don't you, especially after she gave Al a dirty look, I guess for again calling her a big ass woman- hey, if the fucking Zeppelin fits- but I didn't, cos we have enough trouble finding places who'll let us eat there. Oh yeah, and if you don't watch him, Al will also now eat with hs hands, I'm not talking stuff like fried chicken, I'm talking pancakes and shit, Kat and I had him out to eat on Monday, he tried to spread butter with his straw. Lastly, before we leave him, whatever world Al thinks he's in, it's most definitely in the past. We're sitting out on the porch the other evening, Al has a couple young blond cuties who live directly across the street from him, they each get home from work between 4:30 and 5 pm during the week, and then walk their respective dogs, so Al and I are usually on the porch at that time, this evening Al gets all agitated-
I know Al lived in a segregated community growng up in Elkhorn, but still, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "darkie" before in real life. B: So? I'm working him, I figure even Al's not so far gone that he won't snap to and come around, but he actually has to think about it for a minute. Finally- A: Well, that's okay then. I don't think anyone should have to wear chains if they don't want to. Andi I agree, a person shouldn't have to wear chains if they don't want to. A dog collar and leash, now . . . Other than tending to my Mom and the purely demented, lost in the never was past, eating with his hands and shitting his dropped pants in the Marathon parking lot Al, what has Bill been up to? Had a lovely lunch with Sharon a couple Saturdays ago at the O'Charley's on Corridor G, first time I've ever been in one, had a chicken and feta flatbread, not bad. DFZ wrestled at Regatta that evening- more later- then Danny and I drove that night up to Martinsburg. On Sunday we went to the WV Country Music Hall of Fame and World Wide Patsy Cline Fan Club do, got there about 2 pm, the setting was beyond beautiful, on a cleared hillside in Morgan County looking out across- fuck, someone told me but I've forgotten- some valley, gave me a hard on, seriously, it was that pretty. Took Danny's Dad, Ned, with us, Ned is a goddamn hoot- "A hundred pounds is a big dog, but it makes a much bigger canary" he said apropos of nothing, and he was still sober- met Danny's buddy CB there, who's a couple years younger than us and who's also going through- look out- an ugly divorce, seems his wife of twenty something years- he has a son twenty one, plus a couple younger kids as well- started acting "funny" back in January, CB's doing the "If I didn't know better"- (I'D SAY I WAS LYING IN SOME CHEESE) -either that, or getting fucked around on by the person I trust more than anyone in the world, turns out he wasn't lying in some cheese, he catches her in March with some other guy, of course he's crushed, and what's her story? CB's got plenty of money, but according to the soon to be ex-, he's boring and no good in the sack, and this new guy is. Holy fucking fuck. (HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD-) Nah, I've seen her picture. So, money is no protection either. I'm not sure what is, to be honest, true love, don't make me fucking laugh, I imagine there are even guys out there who are rich AND great fucks who get run around on. (I'D BET NOT MANY) I'd bet not many, either. Anyway, poor CB, all he wants to talk about is "how could she fucking DO this?" and it's not like I'm unsympathetic, anything but, but I'm really trying hard to put my own shit behind me so I foisted him on Danny and hit the beer counter, where I had a drink for free chit (as I've said before, hanging with Danny does have its benefits), then I walked down to the stage area to listen to the bands, I tried, honest, but this music is not my mug of Pabst, (although it was better than karaoke time later, "Crazy" by Patsy is a HELL of a song, but listen to about ten amatuers in a row butcher it and you'll go damn crazy yourself), also it was hot and there was no shade down there, so let's see- it's hot, I'm bored and there's free beer? Anyone else see trouble coming? Fortuntely, it doesn't, really. I tried to pace myself at the start, only drank ten beers the first two hours, then said fuck it and quit counting, and pacing, there was a good crowd there, maybe 300 or so, all of them sweet as they could be, for all that the average age was 110, the average weight was 310, and the average IQ (taking into account beer damage, cos this was a hard drinking crew, male and female alike) was about 10. I had some fun conversatons, though. As I mingled, this one old lady comes up to me, obviously thinks she recognizes me- Old lady: Oh, hello! So for the next fifteen minutes or so I amused myself by going around the place tapping strangers on the shoudler and saying, "You see that old lady over there? She said hello." At one point I'm standing with a beer in each hand- I got a second one without realizing I was still drinking one, Danny said later that the poor fool who said we could have free beer said to him "Your buddy sure drinks a lot of beer when it's free", Danny stood up for me and told him "He drinks a lot of beer when it's not free, too" when this old guy- seriously, 9 out of 10 geezers there were over 60, easy- in a cowboy hat and string tie sidles up to me. "What do you thnk of crispin's?" he asks me. Now, I'm drunk as fuck by this point, but I swear to you, the guy said "crispin's". Just to make sure- Bill: What do I think of what? Only "crispin's" I can think of is that nasty, greasy, soggy ass fried batter shit that the fish places- Long John Silver's and Captain D's- put in the bottom of the thing that they serve you your fish in. I have not a clue in this world why he'd ask me a thing like that, but since he did- B: I fucking hate 'em.
OG: You what? I can see OG starting to puff up. B: Why, you like 'em? I walked away, Old Guy huffs off in the other direction and apparently immediately stars talking shit about me, it works its way around the place to Ned, who passes it to Danny, who seeks me out- Danny: Goddammit, you said if I brought you here, you'd be good. He points to OG across the way- D: He's tryiing to have you lynched. Danny's jaw drops. D: Crispin's? I drank some more beer, then the band I was supposed to play with showed up, there's no way I can even hold a guitar, they're still gonna let me sing, though, what a bunch of good sports, the leader (I guess) kept running through their repetoire, I didn't know a damn one, told him I was more of a rock guy, so he says- Band guy: You know "The Devil Went Down To Georgia"? The guy looked at Danny, shook his head, and walked off. I don't remember leaving the WVCMHOF do, Danny said near the end I tried to start a fight with a Porta-John, we spent that night at the Boyd deer camp, this place, fuck, forget dirt roads, at the end you actually drive through the fucking woods to get to it, what I saw of it the next day I loved, Chris, we have GOT to get to work on the Compound, and I'm serious as the hangover I had thati morning. I was WAY too sick to wrestle that day- Labor Day- but fortunately we'd gotten word on our way up Saturday that the HoP show had been cancelled, they wanted us to stick around and work the regular Tuesday night show in Hagerstown, but Danny and I both needed to get back. We're supposed to work the big show at the Apollo on November 17th, but we'll see. The Labor Day drive back to Charleston wasn't pretty, we stopped in Morgantown so Danny could visit his daughters, took them out to eat at Damon's, I knew eating with the shape my stomach was in was chancey at best, but it was Monday evening and I hadn't eaten anything since lunch with Sharon on Saturday (did I mention I drank all the way to Martinsburg that night while Danny drove?) and I could tell by the liquid quality to the burn that it was throwing up bile through my nose time soon uinless- anyway, I got the five cheese melt sandwich- binding it would be, I hoped- it was quite good, altiough if I'd known Danny was buyng I'd have gotten a steak. It stayed down- and up- all the ride home, so I guess it was a good choice. What's Bill drinking? Rolling Rock, not too many, although I realize that's relative. Still, for all my excesses, a fan took a photo of DFZ flexing last week that shows he's still got his six pack, so there, she's gonna send a copy to me- yes she will, bet ya- and I'll send it on to Joe, so he can put it in here. And while it's not drinking drinking, I rescind my earlier condemnation of Accelerade, the one that I tried previously, blue raspberry, purely sucks, murky is exactly the word for it- try dissolving some protein powder in a blue raspberry Gatorade, yeah, yuck- but the grapefruit citrus Accelerade is excellent, great taste, no murk, it hydrates like Gatorade but with 10g of protein, I'm endorsing. However, fuck those Monster energy drinks, some guy was giving out free samples at the AWA-MWA 4th of July show so I put some in my bag, drank one sometime since last issue, the low carb one- the print on the can is blue- it was fucking horrible, tasted like baby wipes smell. I'm not endorsing.
What's Bill been watching? Nobody's a fan of the color Andy Griffith's, and justifiably so, although there is the occasional funny line, like the one above that put me on the floor, as well as the odd funny episode, like where Andy eats three spaghetti dinners in one night (genuinely hilarious), or when the Darlings encounter the upside down flying stuiffed owl (while we're on the Darlngs, I'm not a fan of that kind of music, but I do really like that one they do that starts out "There is a time for us to wander", lovely and bittersweet, if anyone knows what it's called and how I can get a copy, get in touch, also, while she's maybe not the cutest bug on the vine, she'll do, and if Charlene Darling said she wanted to be my salty dog, I'm pretty sure I'd let her), but I'm watching them the nights I'm at Al's cos they are good after midnight fare, they're so sappy and bland they're a natural soporifiic, and God knows, anything that will help me sleep I'm all for. I'm also still Sandra Lee's biggest (but not only) fan, she was drinking vodka and vanilla ice cream the other day, swear to God. Someday I'm gonna hook up with her, you wait and see, I'll get her crazy drunk on gin and pickle juice and then show her what I call frosting, you bet. (I'LL SHOW HER WHAT I CALL CRISPIN'S). Funny. Got some new DVDs. Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S., as always I'm a sucker for the real lizard king, but I hate this screwy non-sorta-sometmes continuity thing Toho does now, this one comes after the most recent (of 3, spread over 30 years, all different continuities) Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzillas, and before Final Wars that we watched/talked about a few months ago and which doesn't fit into this continuity either, in this one the Godzilla fighters have built Mechagodzilla over the bones of the Godzilla that was killed by the Oxygen Destroyer- (YES!) back in the 50's, to fight- Godzilla? I don't get it either, they never explain where this new one comes from or how he's fighting a device BUILT OUT OF HIS OWN BONES, crazy, I know . . . but I don't care, I still love this shit. Also got the first three seasons of Samurai Jack on DVD, but I thnk I'll save an appreciation of him for next issue. What's Bill listeing to? Got some CD's the same time I got the DVDs, another Davie Allen and the Arrows, Blue's Theme, okay, but not as good as the other DA stuff I've got, the title song and a couple others are typically killer, but there's too many instrumental versions of songs like "Runaway" and "Summer Place", not bad, but sort of pointless, also Welcome To The Club, live Ian Hunter, again not bad, but not as good as I remember the double album being when we brought it back to the trailer and listened to it that night Joe bought it for me in the summer of 1980 (I was tapped, imagine), we got it at the old Budget there in Cross Lanes- I could recount that entire day in excruciating detail, but I'll forgo- despite the presence of the redoubtable Mick Ronson (RIP) none of this is anywhere near as good as the mighty Mott the Hoople live album that it shares a lot of tracks with. Also got a CD with H.P. Lovecraft's (the band) two albums on it, after first listen I was sorely disappointed, I'm not saying a band called H.P. Lovecraft should sound like a smarter, scarier Black Sabbath- actually, yes I am, that's exactly what I'm saying it should sound like- but after I put my expectations aside and just listened to it, it's good, the albums are from '69 and '70 and sound amazingly like the Jefferson Airplane, they got a guy singing the high parts that sounds so much like both Grace Slick and Marty Balin it's creepy. Getting to DFZ news- (NO MERCY FOR THE FALLEN). Excuse me? (THAT'S MY NEW MOTTO). Sounds a lot like your old motto, but okay. If it was up to me DFZ'd be off in outer space, fighitng alien bred combat beasts and fucking inhumanly sexy femaliens, but it's not up to me, so- Actually managed to get a good match out of Wes Lynch at Regatta, which is one thing to be said about workng the same person over and over. Put him away with a Falcon buster to remain XMCW champ, also, as always, DFZ helped Professor D keep his XIC title by choking out his opponent, Awesome Allen Lynch. Told my Mom I was working close to Gallipolis last Saturday (New Haven, within twenty miles), Lori could just being her to the matches and I'd take her home from there, she said okay. What I didn't tell her was that it was a show for this crazy ass hardcore fed, Barbwire Championship Wrestling. Ha. Did my Mom have a good time? Not so much, she hates bloody ass hardcore. Did I? Yeah. It's Viper's fed, I was gonna do some head knocking thing with this Cleveland bozo (DFZ over), but then Viper asks me in the back, he's got this young trainee he's been grooming, good looking kid, and muscular, wants to know if I'd work him and take care of him, "You mean "take care of him?", "No, no, really take care of him, walk him through, show him how to work, the guy I've got him in with I'm having second thoughts about" , sure, flattered you'd ask, really, and after I saw who he had him originally booked wth I understood his reservations, cos the guy's a dick, plus he can't work worth a fuck. Can't remember the kid's real name, his work name is- oh dear- Vain Lewis, talked to him just a little bit in the back cos I wanted him to listen to me in the ring and work on the fly, but then he walks off all nervous and I can't understand why cos I thought I'd been very reassuring, then Viper starts laughing, "Well, you told him, don't worry, we're gonna work a real easy match . . . then you said, can you take a clothesline over the top rope, will you take a chair shot to the head, and do you know how to gig?" Like I said, an easy match. For me, anyway. We ended up havng an excellent match, the crowd immediately got vocal about this old prick in a mask beating the dog chow out of this handsome young kid (I gave him enough to keep it competitive, but always cut him off right when it looked like he might go on top), the only problem was he didn't know how to gig, instead of going across he went up and down, and I don't know who cut his gig for him (it wasn't me) but they gave him a knife, he comes up from the posting and he's got this enormous vertical split on his forehead, he looks like that vagina headed Japanese vampire, as always. the only thing to do in a situation like that is to exploit it, I drag him around the outside gnawng at the cut (gross, cos it's actually spurting), pull him in front of my Mom and spit some of hs blood at her (she wasn't amused, in fact, Lori tried to take a picture of it, my Mom stopped her, "don't encourage him" she says). Then I threw him in the ring and pinned him, cos he was legitimately bleedng to death, After, in the back, Vain (wish I could remember his real name) is all happy and respectful (as he should have been, I made him look good even while destroyng him, no mean trick) so I gave him some more sage advice, I told him, son, don't wash a speck of blood off of yourself, just slap a big bandage around your head (actually, the EMTs were already doing that), and go out at intermission and work the crowd. And he did, and did such a good job of getting crowd sympathy that Viper has booked our rematch as semi-main next show. Not a bad move up the card at all for a kid in his fifth match- I'm gonna beat the fuck out of him even worse then- you can't give the crowd what they want too easily, or they won't appreciate it- but when this kid finally goes over on the Death Falcon, and I'll put him over big, cos he'll have earned it- trust me-he'll be a made man in that town, for real. Back to Lubeck this coming weekend for a six man super hardcore match, the Monster Squad- DFZ/Viper/Savior vs. the Hatchet Crew- Juggulator/Carnage/Venom. Walk in the park, slamming people with chairs is so much easier than actually working a match, got three matches the following weekend- Thursday through Saturday, one with my boy Brandon for his NBW belt, looking forward to that one. I was going to go on here a bit about Bill and pro wrestling, an explanation, and justification to all of those people who still simply don't get it, especially those who want to do things with me sometimes but can't cos "I'm wrestling that night" it really does eat up so much of my time, I know but . . . I'll try to explain it next issue. Unless I forget. You just might be who I've been waiting for Later Bill
 |
Bill: What? 
His eyes go all big.
