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9/2/10 You Shall Die By Your Own Evil Creation Brothers, fight or fall Hey Wow. Been meaning to get this out for a while but when you go on a three week drinking binge it's hard to get much accomplished- other than a three week drinking binge. Not many good boy stars on last months STATS calendar. Not many at all it, it now surpasses last May as the wettest month since STATS resumed. But now that I've drunk myself so sick I can barely twitch, much less hoist a glass, it's NL time. Lots in the mail bag since last issue- and if you've written me in the past few weeks and gotten no response, or called and gotten no answer, and I realize there are quite a few of you out there in that big boat, I'm going to try and catch up on all my correspondence tomorrow. My head hurts too much today for me to try and get to it. As for this drivel, I can crank it out even half dead. Or more than half. (YOU REALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP ON YOUR SODDEN ASS. WE DON'T HAVE THE BRAIN CELLS TO SPARE) Yeah, well, you need to talk to whoever's driving this bus cos it ain't me. (YOU THINK IT'S THAT DINOSAUR LOOKING GUY SITTING NEAR THE BACK?) Maybe. I always thought that was a mirror. Anyway the majority of the mail bag comments about last issue were either requests for more funny stories from when Bill was a kid "like in the old days of the NL" or people crying about me cracking on fat people "who are people too, you know". Uhm, yeah, I do know. They're fat people. And I did not crack on being fat, I said I didn't understand it. I don't fucking understand quantuum physics either, is that cracking on it? And poor Ronny Gibson apparently doesn't understand microwave ovens (and do me a favor, please don't call a microwave a "mike" like Nancy does, or refer to heating something in one as "nuking" it, both of those expressions just make me want to fucking kill). He had a terrible case of the shits last Monday from eating some mostly raw chicken wings the night before. He'd woefully undercooked them- "Hell, that barbeque juice on 'em wasn't even hot"- because of a bad microwave experience he'd had a few days earlier. He'd gone to heat up a corn dog- the man's diet is everything you'd expect it to be- Ronny: And I put her in there for 5 or 8 minutes- Injun Joe still lives and visited the yard the other day, this enormous drunken Indian- Ronny: He was a big, frightenin' tall creature. -came around looking for his lost dog and damn near scared the pants off Nancy and Phil. Hope he comes back, I'd like to see him. Ronny called Casto "an obituary liar" the other day. Even sour puss Nancy almost fell over. And if you work for the EPA I don't know you but I hate you and as far as I'm concerned you can all suck a bag of dicks. They've got us- us being Bill- copying all the customer sheets for 2008/2009- about 5000 individual copies, it's just useless CRAZY bureaucratic bullshit, and I have to do them ONE AT A TIME cos they all have staples in them. Going through some of the oldest ones when Sweet Cheeks- that what they call her, I have no idea what her real name is- was briefly working there- she spells steel "steal", radiator as "ratiator" and copper as "cooper". These aren't one time mistakes, this is how she spells them. This is a grown woman with presumably at least a high school education. No wonder this country's going to hell. My mom is in South Carolina- more later. Sarah is now working at Borders in Manhattan and liking it very much- she's sounded very chipper the last few times we've talked. From folks who are her Facebook friends I hear Rachel is doing well also- I guess she got promoted at the restaurant she's working at, is closing now or something, and has lost over 20 pounds. Good for her. Danny was talking about her the other night when I said I still haven't heard from her since last April. he said "Maybe you could be the adult and call her." Yeah, well fuck that. So, other than binge drinknig what has Bill been doing?
The next day was Howerton's wedding in Parkersburg. My friend Julia agreed to be DFZ's escort- it never hurts DFZ's rep to show up at a social function with a hot blond on his arm- and quite fetching she looked, too. Joe has photos for the site. The wedding was mercifully brief, most of the workers who said they were going to be there no showed, other than Ryan Spade and Shane Storm. Howerton's bride- no, I can't remember her name- was quite excited that DFZ was there (as was that guy I have no idea who he is who always calls me champ), not so much this old bat in the receiving line who told him "Trick or treat is still a few months away", ha fucking ha grandma, she's damn lucky I didn't exploder suplex her out of her granny britches. Just as well I didn't as she was Howerton's mom. The reception was way the hell across town, up in Vienna, wasn't very exciting, geezer crowd- even the young ones were geezers- shit music, no alcohol or dance floor- what the fuck is a wedding reception without Bill tearing up the dance floor and then starting a drunken brawl? It was more like a damn church dinner, even down to the menu- ham, green beans and scalloped potatos. Jeez. Still, we had fun hanging with the Spades- found out he's Lebanese and his shoot name is Neidiff, hell, I really thought it was Spade- Shane Storm and his new girl, and some couple the guy works with Julia. After though we- DFZ and Jula, the Spades, Shane and - no, I can't remember her name either- his new girl. later to be joined by Jock and later Linda, and some of the Spade's friends- went over to the NET and had a hell of a time. Jock was in all of his caveman glory, casually swearing a blue streak at the top of his lungs, we drank TONS- poor Shane Storm tried to hang with me and Jock, I told him "PLEASE don't try and drink with the big boys", he kept saying "But I'm a DeathStar too", he was wishing he was just plain dead before it was all over. Had his head down on the table the last half hour we were there but wouldn't leave until DFZ did- how many people hero worship YOUR ass like that?- and apparently threw up all the long way back to Charleston-
I told Julia we'd try and leave by 9 pm- I know, how do these blatant impossibilities even make their way past my lips, but I swear I mean them when I say them- but Jock and Ryan kept buying pitchers and Jock kept refilling my mug . . . Julia was a lovely sport about it, we finally left around midnight (with Julia driving). It was a good time. The next Tuesday met my boy Jason at Applebee's in Teays Valley, drank some big Yuengling drafts, he also got some wings- fully cooked I believe. He's looking good, his family's doing well, it's always great to see him, Jason's always been one of my favorite people. We just need to not let two years go by until the next time. Went down to Joe's the next Sunday, drank a bunch of his beer on his deck and smoked a pipe with tobacco in it for the first time in my life. Joe bought all the MC pipes off of Ebay, they were made anywhere from the 30's to the 50's but never smoked, I got a really cool Briar (which I later thought I broke but they're made to come apart). Pipe smoking's kind of work but I still like it- and since I had to give all the MC Rat Pack and JLA identities, I had to give them pipe smoking alias' as well. Chris is Douglas MacArthur, Joe is Steve Douglas aka Fred McMurray, Rosa is Mammy Yokum and Bill is Popeye. Went down to Athens one Friday with Rosa and Ron to take some stuff to young Chris- he introduced Ron and I to his room mates as his uncles- makes me really sad that Rachel isn't still there but what can you do? Chris is liking it a lot so far, we all went to eat at Texas Steakhouse there in Princeton, Bill decided to eat instead of drink- needed something solid in my stomach and the steaks cooking smelled great. Everyone enjoyed their meal, I got a rare sirloin and a surpisingly good crab cake, steamed broccoli and a dry baked potato- once you get used to it they're not bad and you really don't need all that butter and shit, I eat them skin and all. Also had a second MC at Rosa's since last issue and one last Saturday at Ron's, Laura brought some bacon chocolate, some bacon wrapped asparagus and a bacon explosion which is like a bacon meatloaf I guess. It all looked good but my stomach was in pretty bad shape by that point so I passed. Drank a shitload of beer cos I could since I was staying the night at Ron's, not having to come back here to take care of ma mere. After much fiddle fucking around finally took her down to Rock Hill Tuesday before last. Good to see my lovely Bell girls again, and as it was a really nice evening weather wise and as I've been kind of slacking on the work outs lately being too busy getting pounded, and as my knees are still feeling good AND as I have many fond memories of running that road there along the lake going back 40 years, I decided to go for a run. As I've said in here before, when I run, I run- I don't have the patience to jog. Three miles is about optimal and I was thinking it seemed about the same distance from Aline's house to the main road as it was from the place on Harmon's Creek to the bridge, which was one and half miles. So I set out and by the time I hit the main road I'm sucking some serious wind. Pretty unhappy with myself, yeah its been a while since I've run and I've been drinking like a possessed batfish lately but still, freak of fucking nature at all. Take a minuite to catch my breath, which I never did on Harmon's Creek, it was out to the bridge and straight back- then run back to Aline's. I'm fucking wobbly by the time I get back, saturated with at least 40 proof sweat and if there'd been anything in my stomach I'm pretty sure it would've ended up on the ground. Checked the distance when I left the next morning- didn't stay over any in Rock Hill this trip, kind of a shame, but I wanted to get back here as soon as I could so I could resume pounding beers- and it was two and a half miles to the main road, so my three mile run was actually five. Which makes me feel a little better but still . . . I iced my knees down good when I got back and guess what? They didn't, and still don't, hurt. Glory hallelueah. Aline got up the next morning to fix me breakfast before I left which I respectfully declined, so she said well at least let me make you some tea, okay, thanks. Good God amighty, if that cup had been big enough I could have stood up on that tea. Looked and she'd used one of those jumbo tea bags that makes a whole fucking pot. It was rough to get down but when I did, by God was I alert. Found out Zel, who my Dad always referred to as "that damn rummy" and who was prominently featured way back in NL Trip 666 died over the winter. You may or may not remember that her do-less son Flip- you name a kid Flip, what do you expect- put her ass in a nursing home a few years back and sold her house, she went into a steady decline and is now gone. And since I always crack on my mom when she's pissy, to be fair, when I got ready to leave she hands me some cash, "Here's six dollars for the tolls and twenty to buy you some lunch" which was sweet. I stopped at J&R in Statesvile and put the twenty toward a 5 pack of Punch cigars ($22) and four Hard Case crime paperbacxks ($2 each). Joe came out last Friday to help me with some computer stuff then we went to the Cross Lanes CS and shot the shit while drinknig three pitchers of Bass ale. Then I came back here and really started drinking Figured I was going on the wagon for a while starting today so I got up early yesterday- 10 am- so I could get a full day in, one of Bill's many mottos is "Buzzed by noon is not too soon"- (BURMA SHAVE) -and it's so seldom I have the house to myself so I can drink all fucking day without an old woman lodged in my colon. It was a good day, and a good capper on this last binge cos now I'm ready to stop. Until next time. So- what's Bill drinking? Well, today two protein drinks- skim milk with vanilla protein powder, the closest to solid food my stomach will tolerate right now- about six cups of green tea, two liters of water, two quarts of orange Powerade Zero and two 20 oz. bottles of Vitaminwater Zero XXX which I almost won't buy cos it calls itself a "vitamin enhanced hydration beverage". Please. But it and the Powerade have a lot of B vitamins in them which I need after pissing so many of them out recently. What's Bill reading? Not much at the yard since I been busy COPYING, but a ton of graphic novels at home, really like the Dark Avengers stuff, also the Annihilation series, both of which I got dirt cheap. Not quite as cheap but worth every penny is You Shall Die By Your Own Evil Creation- where have I heard that title before?- by crazy ass Fletcher Hanks "the most bat-shit cartoonist to ever wield a pen" to quote Greil Marcus and old Greil isn't just whistling Dixie. This is another collection of Hanks simplistic and violent ultra-bizarro comics work. Hanks was an ill tempered alcoholic nut job of unique if marginal talent- (I CAN SEE HOW YOU IDENTIFY) -and I only wish I had some acid to take when I read this book. From the intro- "There's something cracked here. The feeling is that of a third grader drawing unbelievably complex destructo machines while inside of him a grown man boils with hate and rage." Later, "Bear in mind as you read these stories they were created by a man who once kicked his four year old son down a flight of stairs." Yeah, I know that's terrible but it also cracks me the fuck up. Also a couple of those big 500+ page black and white comps, one Strange Adventures and one Killraven- been reading mostly comics and magazines- Videoscope, Filmfax, The Big Takeover- cos when I'm drinking (or wicked hungover) it's hard to concentrate on text but I did read the latest in the Destroyermen series and a book by Nick Meyer where he talks about the films he made. Speaking of film, went up to Danny's Tuesday, hadn't been up there in over a month and he was getting cranky, went over to Schaar's for four Yuengling (I was driving) Moving Mountains is back on, no Linda Carter alas but they did get Daryl Hannah. I'm in, don't even have to audition but the producer is going to be in town the 9th for open auditions, he wants me to being him a copy of Johnny Boy. No problem.
What's Bill been watching? Watched The Beyond on crackle, the middle film in Lucio Fulci's late 70's/early 80's Gates Of Hell trilogy, this was when the Italians were going crazy over the top with gore (which was neither scary nor gross and I don't know why they all thought when you got killed by a zombie you had to throw up bloody muck) but the overall movie was pretty good with a creepy and very downbeat ending. Also Ravenous, that Joe lent me, it was surprisingly well written and acted, but I wish the Wendigos had been more like monsters instead of just cannibals who are really hard to kill. Also watched an episode of True Blood that Sunday I was down at Joe's and other than the gratuitous nudity I was distinctly underwhelmed, I really can't fathom what everyone sees in it. Not the least bit scary- scary vampires are either zombies with fangs or demonic entities. They're not your fucking waitress. And that vampire speed move thing looks fucking ridiculous. I danced myself out of the womb What's Bill been listening to? Ten Years After (3) Them (2) Thin Lizzy (6) Thin White Rope (4) Richard and Linda Thompson (1) Traffic (4) Trail Of Tears (1) T.Rex (3) Trotsky Icepick (1) Robin Trower (1). DFZ hasn't been busy, one DeathStars match against the hopelessly outclassed Blazin's, Eagle and Star. Not doing the scaffold match- call me a pussy- (PUSSY) -but I just got my knees back, I don't want to risk blowing them out taking a fall off that scaffold. May also reconsider some of the hardcore stuff I've got coming up though I could certainly use the bucks. Been a number of wrestlers who died since last issue- Lance Cade, 29, drug overdose, Nightmare Ted Allen, heart attack- he was 55, wasn't really working anymore though he did have a match scheduled the day he died, Luna Vachon, drug, specifically oxycontin, overdose, and JC Bailey. He was an indie worker, did I think strictly hardcore matches, met him at one of Pondo's shows and he seemed like a good fellow, very respectful, Viper knew him real well and said he was a hell of a nice guy. His Dad found him dead in his bed a week or so ago and preliminary reports indicate he died due to brain damage caused by repeated head trauma and multiple concussions. That won't be definite until the autopsy is back, but still. He was twenty six. Think I'm going to call it a night, I'm not all that sleepy but my head is pounding. I danced myself into the tomb Later Bill
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The night after last issue went out I went over to Rosa's for
young Chris's going away to college party, MC all in attendence,
Laura brought a bunch of food I didn't eat but heard was good and
for all of us some little metal turtles you put over your glass when
you pour so your black and tans will seperate. Very nice of her,
drank a bunch of black and tans as a result, smoked some cigars- the
ususal drill. 
SS: Go faster! This trip is taking forever. 
Danny also sent me a still from Balsa's photo novel of Bill as
Russian gangster, pretty cool shot I must say, very Koloff-ian, Joe
can put it in this issue so you all can see. 