DOING  YOUR OWN THING IN A JUDGMENTAL WORLD

The Myth Of ‘Should’

 Those of us in the leather community have found some way to deal with the often judgmental expectation that we have an obligation to order our life in a certain manner.  Those who are new to the community can experience this as one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome.  I’m speaking of the myth of ‘should’.  You should live a certain way, your relationships should look a certain way.   What is ‘should’ but someone else trying to impose their values on your life? 

 When someone is uncomfortable with your choices or your actions, it is easier for them to tell you how to change them than it is for them to look inside for the  cause of their discomfort.  You  have no obligation to order your life in a manner that allows them to  feel less discomfort.  Quite the reverse, you have an obligation to yourself to order your life  in  the  manner that works best for you at any given time.

 Most of  us  are brought up with ‘should’ as a large part of our  vocabulary.  I should, you should, he should, she should.  It can  be amazingly difficult to purge this concept from  our thought processes, but we would benefit from doing so.  ‘Should’ is a lazy substitute for much more complex ideas, and often carries with it judgmental overtones.

 There is a ‘should’  that  works for me:  I should write a  song  about  that; or I  should make something that does  this.  These  are  often part of my creative  process.  They could alternately be stated; These are  projects  that  I  want to  place  on the appropriate level  of my priority  list.  The word I use in my inner dialog is  ‘should’.

 Another judgmental ‘should’ is  one we use on  ourselves.  I should work harder, I should quit smoking.   This translates to I ought  to be doing this for my own betterment but my inner saboteur is preventing me.

 What I’m  trying to get  to  here  is  something that is encountered by every person in  the leather community to  some degree;  doing your own  thing in a judgmental world.  Certainly the mainstream culture teaches us ways we should behave, but what happens when  those ways don’t work for us?   One option is to suppress those inner voices, follow the well laid out mainstream path, and live a life  of quiet desperation.  The option I prefer is to become an explorer, creating your own path through vaguely charted territory.

 Here is where we run head-on into the myth of ‘should’.  Even within the leather community itself there is much judgmental advice to be had;  A real Dom would act this way, a Master  should behave like this, a slave has to look like this.  It’s a constant source of amazement for me how easily the hackles of non-acceptance can be raised in a community that stands with one foot in individuality and one foot in  togetherness.

 As we hack our path through the wilderness of life, sometimes the way is clear and sometimes you  need a machete to chop through the obstacles of ‘should’ and ‘can’t’.  We can read the blazes left by those gone before us, but it is up to  each of us to decide whether  that  path is right for us, or if another direction beckons.  Ultimately, we all  have the same destination—the quality of the journey is up to us.

 --Master M