Are you kidding?
Lighten up out there, folks.  Humor is the gift of God that enables us to keep our sanity in a fallen world.
(All this stuff is copied and collected from various places.  If it’s original with me I’ll let you know.  If I know who wrote it, I’ll let you know..  If I find out I’m infringing on a copyright, I’ll take it down.)
Newest postings are headlined in red.
Typos, misprints, poorly worded sentences...makes you wonder whether they might have meant to say it this way.  Click here.
School discipline, U. S. Marine-style
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. 
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. .....Dead silence...
He had no trouble with discipline that year. 
A Moving Testimony
Three buddies are talking after a funeral. Someone raises the question, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that here lies a man who was not only successful, but truly honest.”
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it. 
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”
One year, I decided to  buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..  
The next year, I didn't  buy her a gift. 
When she asked him why, I  replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"  
And that's how the fight  started....  ________________________________________________________________________
I asked my wife, 'Where  do you want to go for our anniversary?' 
It warmed my heart to see  her face melt in sweet appreciation. 
'Somewhere I haven't been  in a long time!' she said. 
So I suggested, 'How  about the kitchen?' 
And that's when the fight  started... ________________________________________________________________________
I tried to  talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  
Instead, she bought a jar  of cold cream for $7.95. 
I told her the beer would  make her look better at night than the cold cream.  
And that's when the fight  started...... ________________________________________________________________________
I took my  wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..  
'I'll have the strip  steak, medium rare, please.' 
He said, 'Aren't you  worried about the mad cow?' 
'Nah, she can order for  herself.' 
And that's when the fight  started.... ________________________________________________________________________
My wife sat down on the  couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. 
She asked, 'What's on  TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'  
And then the fight  started... ________________________________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about  what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, 'I want  something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'  
I bought her a scale. 
And then the fight  started.... ________________________________________________________________________
My wife and  I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at  a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.  
I asked her , 'Do you  know him?' 
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's  my old boyfriend... 
'I understand he took to  drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't  been sober since.'
I said, 'Who would think  a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight  started... ________________________________________________________________________
I rear-ended a car this  morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got  out of his car. 
You know how sometimes  you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  
Yeah, well I couldn't  believe it.. he was a DWARF!!! 
He stormed over to my  car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'  
So, I looked down at him  and said, 'Well, then which one ARE you?' 
And then the fight  started... ________________________________________________________________________
When our lawn mower broke  and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had  something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf '  
Always something more important to me. 
Finally she thought of a  clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated  in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  
I watched silently for a  short time and then went into the house. 
I was gone only a minute,  and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  
I said, 'When you finish  cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'  
The doctors say I will  walk again, but I will always have a limp.
St George & the Dragon Lady
A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.

He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”
Heaven or Hell - The Senator’s choice
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in  heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.
So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?"
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today ... you voted."
Stuff Happens (according to different religious points of view)
Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Stuff happens for our good.
Charismatic: We reject the stuff in Jesus’ name!
Judaism: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: The stuff that happens is the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
Texan in New york
A Texan walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 but he was not a depositor of the bank. 
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Texan handed over the keys to his new Ferrari and told the officer that the car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Texan produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. 
Later that day, the bank's officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Texan for using a $400,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan, and sent an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. 
Two weeks later, the Texan returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Texas A&M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. 
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000? 
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, ‘Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
Where Is the "BC" Located?
[Note: This is one of my top 20 favorite stories of all time. GN]
A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write “toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"
In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:
Dear Madam,
I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager
Boy’s Thanksgiving Prayer
A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. 
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. 
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited. 
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
While we’re on the subject of thanksgiving...
Grandma’s Thanksgiving speech
All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. 
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.  Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. 
When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."
While we’re on the subject of grandmas...
When Grandma Went to court
Note to Lawyers: Be careful about putting a Southern grandma under oath on the stand--she’s liable to start telling some truth.
It happened to the small-town prosecutor who brought her up as a witness.  He approached her on the stand and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Wilson.  I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.”
The prosecutor was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
Again she replied, “Why, yes, I do.  I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too.  He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly collapsed in shock.
The judged called both counselors to approach the bench, and said in a quiet voice,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Cajun Confession
(I love Cajuns, and I love Catholics--and you gotta admit, Cajun Catholics are a lot of fun.)
Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.  "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." 
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
Singing In Church
The Pastor decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning. 
He said, "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." 
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
The Senility Prayer
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, 
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Got Milk, grampa?
Grampa’s 94-year-old body began to surrender. This was back in the old days before all the drugs we treat folks with today.  The country doctor prescribed for him a shot of whiskey three times a day, to help him relax.
Grampa, however, was a lifelong Baptist teetotaler and could not bring himself even to medicinal use of the devil’s brew. But Grandma knew the old gentleman loved milk. So she brought him cold milk three times a day, spiked with a shot of whiskey, and he drank it happily never suspecting.
Eventually, the old man approached his final hour. As the family gathered around his bedside, the children asked if he wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," he replied. "Never sell that cow!"
The Man Who Orders Three Beers
An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.
If it moves, DESTROY IT!
Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
One lone “good guy” can defeat an infinite number of “bad guys.”
Make sure you eat all the food lying on the ground.
You can break things and get away with it.
You can push vehicles off the road and get away with it.
If someone dies, they disappear.
If you get mad enough you can fight even better.
You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
You can operate all weapons without training.
No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
Death is reversible (only for you!).
Ninjas are common and frequently fight in public.
Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.
You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
Shoot everything.  If it blows up or dies, it was bad.
Don’t worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes.  A new vehicle will appear in its place.
A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.
*Copied from a poster in a high school computer tech lab.  Author unknown.
“Time Expired”
The headstone over the grave of a woman who died on her 65th birthday is decorated with a parking meter that reads “Time Expired.”  (True.  Click here.)
If College Students Wrote The Bible
 The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. 
 The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. 
 A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. 
 Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to 
 Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. 
 Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. 
 Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Obituary: Food Fans Mourn Passing of Pillsbury Doughboy
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and  trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.  
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. 
Dozens of  celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth,  Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,  and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the  Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose  quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He  was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on  half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was  still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for  millions. 
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two  children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He  is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. 
The funeral  was held at 350 for about 20 minutes. 
Another Eskimo baptism gone bad. (Click here)
Cookies in Heaven? A Story to Warm Your Heart
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. 
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. 
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
You know you're in a Redneck Church if...
 The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
 People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
 When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
 Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
 A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
 In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
 People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
 The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
 Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
 The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
 "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
All of which reminds me of a story...
of the Southern rural church (the denomination shall remain nameless) that brought in a young preacher for a hearing in view of a call.  The lad preached a  stemwinder of a sermon on baptism, and the congregation decided he’d do, so  they hired him.
Next Sunday he came in and preached another  hipply-hoolaylee sermon on baptism, and everyone appreciated it.
For  the next 6 Sundays he preached on baptism, and the congregation began to be  restless.  The deacons decided to meet with him.  The chairman  counseled with him and encouraged him to branch out in his subject matter.   “You know,” he said, “there are more things you can preach on besides  baptism.”  The young preacher looked back at him earnestly and said,  “Like what?”
Caught off guard, the older man began fumbling.   “Well, uh, you know, folks are dealing with lots of problems in their  lives and need to hear the word on how to deal with them too.”  The young  preacher looked back at him earnestly and said, “Like what?”
Suddenly  the deacon’s mind went blank, and all he could think of was, “Well, pills for one thing.  I was readin’ in the paper today about how people are  getting hung up on taking pills.”
Immediately and with enthusiasm the  young preacher stood up and said, “Well then, this Sunday I’m going to preach  on pills!”  The two shook hands and the deacon went out thinking that it  all went well.
Sunday morning the lad ascended the pulpit and  announced, “This morning I’m going to be preaching on...” and everyone held  their breath--”PILLS!”  The congregation was amazed, and the preacher  continued.  
“The paper says people are getting hung up on pills.  And  there’s all kinds of pills.  There’s big pills and little pills, red  pills, yellow pills green pills, sleeping pills, pep pills, and diet pills.   And then there’s the GOS-pill. Which brings me to my real subject, which  is BAPTISM!”
Winners of The 2007 Washington Post Word Contest 
In the past, you've probably seen the Washington Post word contest, in which one letter of a word is altered to give it a different meaning.  This year, same spelling, but different meaning nevertheless....
 Coffee  (n.), a person who is coughed upon.  
 Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.  
 Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.  
 Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.  
 Willy-nilly(adj.), impotent   
 Negligent (adj.), describes a  condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your  nightie. 
 Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.  
 Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored  mouthwash.  
 Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle  that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.  
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.  
Testicle (n.), a humorous question  on an exam.  
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he  examines you. 
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his  conversation with Yiddish expressions. 
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the  front of boxer shorts.   
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief  that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.  
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican  proctologist.
Top 10 Lessons from Noah’s Ark
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE:  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

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