Nation’s Notebook

Are you kidding?
Lighten up out there, folks. Humor is the gift of God that enables us to keep our sanity in a fallen world.
(All this stuff is copied and collected from various places. If it’s original with me I’ll let you know. If I know who wrote it, I’ll let you know.. If I find out I’m infringing on a copyright, I’ll take it down.)
BULLETIN OOPS!
Typos, misprints, poorly worded sentences...makes you wonder whether they might have meant to say it this way. Click here.
Where Is the "BC" Located?
[Note: This is one of my top 20 favorite stories of all time. GN]
A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write “toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"
In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:
Dear Madam,
I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
Best wishes, Ethan Smith Campground Manager
Boy’s Thanksgiving Prayer
A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
While we’re on the subject of thanksgiving...
Grandma’s Thanksgiving speech
All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.  When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."
While we’re on the subject of grandmas...
When Grandma Went to court
Note to Lawyers: Be careful about putting a Southern grandma under oath on the stand--she’s liable to start telling some truth.
It happened to the small-town prosecutor who brought her up as a witness. He approached her on the stand and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Wilson. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The prosecutor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
Again she replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly collapsed in shock.
The judged called both counselors to approach the bench, and said in a quiet voice,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Cajun Confession (I love Cajuns, and I love Catholics--and you gotta admit, Cajun Catholics are a lot of fun.)
Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
Singing In Church The Pastor decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
The Senility Prayer God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Got Milk, grampa? Grampa’s 94-year-old body began to surrender. This was back in the old days before all the drugs we treat folks with today. The country doctor prescribed for him a shot of whiskey three times a day, to help him relax.
Grampa, however, was a lifelong Baptist teetotaler and could not bring himself even to medicinal use of the devil’s brew. But Grandma knew the old gentleman loved milk. So she brought him cold milk three times a day, spiked with a shot of whiskey, and he drank it happily never suspecting.
Eventually, the old man approached his final hour. As the family gathered around his bedside, the children asked if he wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," he replied. "Never sell that cow!"
The Man Who Orders Three Beers An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."
"'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening -- he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
THINGS YOU LEARN FROM VIDEO GAMES*
There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.
If it moves, DESTROY IT!
Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
One lone “good guy” can defeat an infinite number of “bad guys.”
Make sure you eat all the food lying on the ground.
You can break things and get away with it.
You can push vehicles off the road and get away with it.
If someone dies, they disappear.
If you get mad enough you can fight even better.
You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
You can operate all weapons without training.
No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
Death is reversible (only for you!).
Ninjas are common and frequently fight in public.
Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.
You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
All women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.
Don’t worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.
*Copied from a poster in a high school computer tech lab. Author unknown.
“Time Expired”
The headstone over the grave of a woman who died on her 65th birthday is decorated with a parking meter that reads “Time Expired.” (True. Click here.)
If College Students Wrote The Bible The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.
Obituary: Food Fans Mourn Passing of Pillsbury Doughboy
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Another Eskimo baptism gone bad. (Click here)
Cookies in Heaven? A Story to Warm Your Heart An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
You know you're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
All of which reminds me of a story...
of the Southern rural church (the denomination shall remain nameless) that brought in a young preacher for a hearing in view of a call. The lad preached a stemwinder of a sermon on baptism, and the congregation decided he’d do, so they hired him. Next Sunday he came in and preached another hipply-hoolaylee sermon on baptism, and everyone appreciated it. For the next 6 Sundays he preached on baptism, and the congregation began to be restless. The deacons decided to meet with him. The chairman counseled with him and encouraged him to branch out in his subject matter. “You know,” he said, “there are more things you can preach on besides baptism.” The young preacher looked back at him earnestly and said, “Like what?” Caught off guard, the older man began fumbling. “Well, uh, you know, folks are dealing with lots of problems in their lives and need to hear the word on how to deal with them too.” The young preacher looked back at him earnestly and said, “Like what?” Suddenly the deacon’s mind went blank, and all he could think of was, “Well, pills for one thing. I was readin’ in the paper today about how people are getting hung up on taking pills.” Immediately and with enthusiasm the young preacher stood up and said, “Well then, this Sunday I’m going to preach on pills!” The two shook hands and the deacon went out thinking that it all went well.
Sunday morning the lad ascended the pulpit and announced, “This morning I’m going to be preaching on...” and everyone held their breath--”PILLS!” The congregation was amazed, and the preacher continued.
“The paper says people are getting hung up on pills. And there’s all kinds of pills. There’s big pills and little pills, red pills, yellow pills green pills, sleeping pills, pep pills, and diet pills. And then there’s the GOS-pill. Which brings me to my real subject, which is BAPTISM!”
Winners of The 2007 Washington Post Word Contest
In the past, you've probably seen the Washington Post word contest, in which one letter of a word is altered to give it a different meaning. This year, same spelling, but different meaning nevertheless....
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly(adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
Top 10 Lessons from Noah’s Ark
ONE: Don't miss the boat. TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat. THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. SIX: Build your future on high ground. SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile. TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Return to Nation’s Notebook
SeriousChristian.org