After I had made some progress in my transition, I found myself with the problem of letting the members of several groups that I belonged to know what I was doing, in order that they could begin the process of re-defining me as a man. I decided the best way was all at once, rather than speaking to folks one at a time, since it takes a certain "critical mass" to get things going well.
What follows is how I handled my Unitarian-Universalist Fellowship, but I also used the same sort of thing for several other groups, with the letter tailored to each group.
For the UU's, I asked that the following message be posted in the monthly newsletter.
A Personal Message from Kerry Schaefer
Many of you may have been wondering why I've attended UU events lately dressed in a suit and tie. While some of you already know, my New Year's resolution for 2002 is to explain myself to all those people who are important to me who do not yet know. Unfortunately, I am rarely able to get to morning services because I work on weekends. I had planned to do a presentation and discussion when we returned to evening services. Since this is not going to happen, I wrote this article for the newsletter instead. I trust my UU friends enough to believe I'll find acceptance, rather than rejection.
A little over a year ago, I began identifying myself as a female-to-male transexual. My body may be female, but the person inside this body is male. As far as I can tell from my own experience, I was born this way. No one in their right mind would ever choose to be transexual. No amount of denial has ever made it go away. I know: for most of my life, I've tried to be a woman. I've been married. I have a son, now in his 30's. At one time in my life, I tried to be a lesbian, but that didn't fit me either. At the ripe old age of 55, I decided that I would try no longer. Last year, I began taking male hormones and started choosing my clothing with the deliberate intention of being perceived as a man. I am now in the process of changing my name to Kerwin L. Schaefer, rather than Kerry Lindemann-Schaefer. Later this year, I plan to have some surgery that will make it easier for me to appear male.
I'm not doing all this in order to convince myself that I'm a man. I know that. What I need to do is to change the perception of the rest of the world. Total strangers now often call me "sir". Oddly enough, it is those people who know me best who are proving to be the most difficult to deal with.
I acknowledge that transexuality is not an easy issue to understand and that some folks may be uncomfortable with what I'm saying. I invite all of you to ask questions, either in person when you see me or via email or telephone. I'll answer as openly and truthfully as I can. I also have available some printed material, plus a list of websites for anyone who wants to know even more about this topic.
I am very aware that disaster is always a possibility when a transexual goes public. I know of people who have lost friends and family, whose spouses have left them, who have lost everyone they loved and valued. Many have changed their names, their jobs, their homes and their friends, rather than risk rejection. I do not want to be one of those whose lives are torn apart in this way. I want to keep my friends, my family, my job, my church, and everything else in my world. To me, this doesn't seem like too much to ask.
There are many misconceptions about transexuals, but the biggest one is usually whether it's related to being gay or bisexual. It is not. Sexual orientation and gender identification are two entirely separate things. I'm not doing this because I'm a lesbian. In fact, I am not a lesbian. Lesbians are women who love other women. I am neither. I am more sexually attracted to men than I am to women and I expect, although I cannot be certain of this, that I will continue to be so, even if I someday choose to have the so-called sex change surgery. If I identify as anything, it is as a gay man.
Now we get to the hardest part, for me anyway. I don't like asking favors of people. I don't like making requests, even of friends, but I'm asking now. For me to be successful in what I'm doing, I need your help and support. Before I can be a man, the world has to agree to treat me as a man, to speak of me as a man, indeed, to think of me as a man. This doesn't happen overnight, but it has to start somewhere. I ask that it start with you. I ask that you remember that I am not a woman in men's clothing. I ask that you no longer use feminine pronouns when speaking of me.
Even though I can rarely make it to services, you are all still very important to me as my UU family and I hope to see you now and then. Your understanding and support will mean a lot to me.
After that newsletter came out, I received numerous messages of support, both via email and in person.
Some nine months later, I was asked to inaugurate a new part of our services, where a different member is to make a short statement about something of great importance to them. This is what I said at that time.
PERSONAL STATEMENT
October 6, 2002
I'll just bet that everyone could make a pretty good guess at what I'm going to talk about, huh? Well, you're right. My greatest joy during the past couple of years is that I am succeeding in my transition from female to male, and I am learning what it feels like to truly be happy with myself.
Early this year, I wrote a message in our newsletter letting you all know about what I was doing, and at one point I said, "I am very aware that disaster is always a possibility when a transexual goes public. I know of people who have lost friends and family, whose spouses have left them, who have lost everyone they loved and valued. Many have changed their names, their jobs, their homes and their friends, rather than risk rejection. I do not want to be one of those whose lives are torn apart in this way. I want to keep my friends, my family, my job, my church, and everything else in my world. To me, this doesn't seem like too much to ask."
I'm very happy to report that it didn't turn out to be too much to ask at all. None of my friends have had any problem with it. My immediate family, which consists now only of my son and his wife, who live in NYC and are expecting their first child early next year, have been adapting very well. They are seriously considering moving to the Raleigh area in the next year or so, which would certainly be a great joy for me. Early on, the manager of the Radiology Dept at Craven Regional Medical Center let me know that my job was in no danger and the administration was OK with what I was doing.
And when it comes to my church, I can only say I'm very thankful for the quick acceptance and support you all have shown, but to be perfectly honest, knowing who and what we are as UU's, I can't say I was the least bit surprised. I fully expected your response to be exactly what it has been, and I have not been disappointed.
But let me tell you a quick story about another part of my life that did cause me a bit of concern. As some of you know, I'm very involved in both sport fencing and the SCA, which is a Medieval living history enactment organization where I also do fencing, among other things. Well, the folks in the SCA are generally rather eccentric and unconventional to begin with, so I figured I wouldn't freak them out too badly and I was right. They have adapted quite well.
However, the sport fencing club was another story. This was the final group I belonged to who did not know. They take a break for the summer, and as of last May, I had not told them what I was doing. Since then, I've had chest surgery and grown a beard. Yes, I'll admit that the beard's a bit scruffy and sparse, but it's enough to give the general public the idea that they should say "sir" instead of "ma'am".
I determined that the time had come to push the issue when classes began again in early September, so I started by contacting my Coach and asking if my transition was a problem. He was understandably surprised, but accepting of what I was doing. However, our class is about half made up of children, and he was worried about the parents of these kids having some objections. Now, I know some of the parents, because they're either in the class or known to me in other ways, but there are some I don't know at all. I offered to write a letter to everyone, or contact them in some other way to explain the situation, but all the Coach would say was "Leave it to me to handle it my way."
OK, so I did. But when it came time for the first class, I had no idea what I'd run into. I fully expected to have to do it the hard way, which is telling one person at a time, whenever I could get an opportunity, until enough people know and word has gotten out and everyone realizes they should call me "he" and not "she" anymore. (For some reason, the pronouns seem to be the last thing that folks remember to change. Perhaps because they are so unconsciously used.)
Anyway, I walked into the class, somewhat self-consciously, only to be greeted with various other students and the Coach calling me "Kerwin" and occasionally getting the pronoun right. When I had a chance to ask one of the others about it, I discovered that the Coach had phoned everyone in the class to explain the situation and find out if there were any objections. I'm forced to conclude there were no objections, since I wasn't thrown out of the club. They've all been very good about trying to get it right, perhaps because I go around whacking anyone who calls me "she" with the flat of my sword blade.
When I began all this, I never expected to meet with such a great amount of support and understanding. Even people at work who tell me they don't agree with what I'm doing have gone on to say that they respect my wishes.
I now look forward to the day when this whole thing becomes basically a non-issue in my life and it's simply taken for granted. Then, FTM will no longer stand for Female to Male transexual, but will just be Finally, Truly Me.
