After an entire weekend of feeling sorry for myself,
brooding, pining, feeling needy and being miserable
because HE hadn't called me since Friday at noon, I get
up on Monday morning, exhausted. I look at my aging
reflection in the bathroom mirror and try not to speak
negative words. *sigh*
After I get to my classroom, I make coffee, eat some
peanuts, set up chairs for the classes and start grading
papers. The students arrive and we are seeing a video
that will set up the songs to follow on Tuesday. It's a
tradition. Charlie Brown's Pumpkin Carols. Great way to
start the week for me, after the shit weekend I had. And
the kids are excited that they are seeing a video rather
than starting the week out as usual, with songbooks or
rhythm flash cards.
At my mid-morning break of 15 minutes, I head for the
car, to drive to the park two blocks away, so I can
sneak in a cig, and make a phone call on my cell.
Parked across from prairie dog town, I stop under a
shade tree, light up and scroll through the names on my
cell phone. Hit dial for HIM.
My call went something like this: Hi, Baby. Hiiiii -
he says, I say, I'm calling to see how you are. Was your
weekend good? He said, It wasn't bad, I'm better - well,
not really. He had talked with his soon to be ex for a
long time on Saturday. I asked/commented - Saying your
goodbyes. He said, yes. saying our goodbyes. What can I
say? It's hard. I told him that it was incredibly hard
and that I want him to know that he is in my thoughts
and prayers and if he needs me for anything he can
count on me. He said, I appreciate that. I really do. I
said, I love you and want the best for you and just
wanted you to know that you have a lot of people in your
life that feel the same way. We want you to find your
way back to us. He said, I love you too and I am finding
my way back. Thank you for this phone call. I replied,
Of course Darling. He said, I'll talk with you soon.
Bye, Lover.
I had convinced myself that I needed to play this
role of stepping completely out of the picture. But by
doing that, I am also shutting myself off to being a
real friend. I set my injured pride aside and thought:
If I had a friend that was going through something
difficult, I would call and see how they were doing. So,
why should it be any different just because I am feeling
ignored? There is a reason for my having not been at the
forefront of his thoughts. He is going through a divorce
from someone that he had planned to be married to for
the rest of his life.
He waited to marry until he was 38 years old. He's a
virgo, decisions of this nature require much time and
mean a great deal to him. He fell in love with his best
friend. They really connected. Had so much in common, so
many similar interests. He a producer, her a writer and
editor. Both in the industry. He is a movie historian.
He is Mr.Trivia on filmography. He knows dates,
directors' names, starring role actors, the producer and
company that made the film. Same with music too. Walking
encyclopedia of lyrics.
But many of us, that have a few years on us, have
experienced the let-down and the inevitable changes that
come from living with someone, or being married to them
is more like it. There's something about marriage
that can ruin a good friendship.
She came with too much emotional baggage. Perhaps the
marriage was ill-timed for her. Maybe she saw a chance
to grow from the experience and never really saw it for
much more than that. Maybe the process of her personal
change was aborted when she married and she became an
emotional "premie". Stunted in her ability to make a
lasting connection with men.
She fooled around on him and he forgave her. Several
years later, she fooled around again and he forgave her.
But the last time she fooled around, she fell in love
and then their sex life ended. Hoping against hope that
he could woo her back some way, he stuck around for
another two years sleeping in a separate room, (her
request). But it wasn't meant to be. Within months of
his leaving a year and a half ago, she had already moved
in with her new man. So, he left her in L.A., California
and headed back to his home State of Texas. Fruit Basket
turnover.
I believe that my calling him was a good thing. I'm
glad that I did it. But my cousin was telling me that I
would be wise to use discretion in how much I enter into
the equation during this period. He has a lot of
emotional turmoil. He is feeling mixtures of loss,
failure, love, disappointment, nostalgia, among a myriad
of things that make up the fabric of a 16 year
relationship. She is so right. And so, although I want
to be loving and kind as a friend, I have to watch how
supportive I am because I don't want him to have that
association with me or do any transferring of his
feelings from that episode of his life on to me.
I still had 5 minutes left on my break before my next
four classes. I called my dad. I am feeling some relief
for getting out of myself enough to clean the slate and
let bygones be bygones.
I owe my dad a call because of something that
happened Sunday night at a restaurant while eating out
with the family.
It was my dad, his brother, (the "dinner
conversation" uncle), my mom, my neice and me. I was
sitting inbetween my uncle and my neice. Thank God, my
uncle was actually at the end of the table and I sat at
the corner end of the table to his left. If he had
actually been sitting directly next to me, I might not
have been as comfortable in arguing with him. Yes. We
started an argument. Actually, he started it, but I
quickly followed him into the ring.
Ding! First round -
Uncle - Education was much better back in my day, in
the '30's. Students still showed respect and their
education was based upon Christianity.
Chaotic_Structure - In one way I agree that education
could have been better because there was still corporal
punishment at that time. My mother and I agree that when
corporal punishment was done away with for the most
part, the students began to feel the freedom of being
rebellious, and dis-respectful because they had mild
consequences to face. But on the other hand, I have to
say that in the 30's the KKK was at one of its peak
times in popularity and that hate abounded in
communities and in the classroom.
Ding! Round Two -
Uncle - This country was built upon Christianity and
we ought to be able to keep Christian prayers in the
schools.
Chaotic_Structure - If we did that, (borrowing an
argument from my brother) then we would have to have
equal representation for all of the religions. One day
for Christian prayer, the next for Hindu, the next for
Buddhist, the next for Druids, and so on. If we are
truly a democracy that is what we promise people with
their freedom. It's what they can expect when they come
to America.
Ding! Round Three -
Uncle - No, if they come to our country then they
should adopt American ways and that is that our religion
is Christianity because that is what our Constitution
was built upon.
Chaotic_Structure - We can not be so naive to think
that when we open the floodgates to immigrants that they
are not going to bring their traditions and their
religions with them. We can not dictate to them that
they must leave those behind.
Ding! Round Four -
Uncle - Dad - I'm tired of people telling me that I
can't practice my religion of Christianity and that the
word is a bad and ugly word. People are afraid of saying
they believe in the Lord nowadays. They act ashamed.
Chaotic_Structure - And the rest of us are tired of
being told that we HAVE to believe like you!
It went on a bit more, well, quite a bit more, some
heads turned our direction. Catty things, hurtful
things, sarcastic things were spat on both of our parts.
I became like them. *sigh* disappointing.
This fight is cancelled. Unsportmanship conduct,
double-teaming in the ring. Two against one. Time to hit
the showers.
Chaotic_Structure goes home and calls cuz and bro. I
am fuming. Cuz talks me down. (thanks) and Bro, levels
me out. (thanks)
So, with this last 5 minutes of my break, I apologize
to my dad, my uncle and my mom. Each said, sincerely
that they loved me and I told them the same. I also
said, I don't think we should ever let our opposing
beliefs get in the way of family. My uncle said, I
wholeheartedly agree. And I could hear in his voice his
strain and effort to not say, I love you even though you
are wrong.
But instead I focused on the fact that we had made
amends and renewed a vow to not discuss politics or
religion again. *sigh*
