AGGIE JOKES!

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• How do you keep an aggie busy on the web?

        click here

• Why did the Aggie get rid of his freezer?

        He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.

• What's the best selling underarm deodorant in College Station?

        Raid.

• Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?

        They plant the eggs too deep.

• There was an aggie that saw a sign that said "Wet Cement". So he did.

• How does an Aggie evacuate Houston in case of a hurricane?

        Uses 610 Loop

• How many aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?

        Three.  One to eat it and two to watch the road.

• What do Aggies call road kill armadillo?

        Possum on the half shell.

• There was and aggie who wore the same pair of socks every day.  His mother finally told him to put on a new pair of socks on every day.  A few days later, he couldn't put his shoes on.

• Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
  Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He
  inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
  satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look
  Michael, see what I have made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
  "what is it?" "It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
  going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
  "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to
  different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of
  great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor, the
  Middle East over there, will be a Hot Spot. Over there I've placed a
  continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
  God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
  hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The
  Archangel, impressed by Gods' work, then pointed to a particularly fine
  place. "What's that?" "Ah," said God, "Austin, Texas. The most glorious
  place on Earth. There are beautiful women and an exquisite campus, and it is
  called 'The University of Texas at Austin'. The people from Austin are going
  to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
  traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and
  high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
  carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them winning athletic teams who
  will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in
  wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You
  said there would be balance." God replied, "Wait until you see the
  loud-mouth ass holes I'm putting next to them in College Station."

• Why do TEXAS A&M graduates hang their diplomas
  from the rear view mirror?

        To justify their handicapped parking.

• What do you get when you breed a ground hog and an
  TEXAS A & M football player?

        Six more weeks of bad football.

• How many TEXAS A & M freshmen does it take to change
  a light bulb?

        None, it's a second year course.

• How do you get an TEXAS A & M graduate off your
  porch?

        Pay him for the pizza.

• The TEXAS A & M football team was placed in a
  remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?'.....All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.

• A TEXAS A & M football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

• What are the best four years of a TEXAS A & M student's life?

        Third grade. 

• Dear Boss;
  I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
  honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any
  rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the
  company calendars for next year (year 2000). The calendars have
  returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the
  following new months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk

• It was reported that a small two seater airplane crashed in a
  cemetery near Texas A&M campus located in College Station
  Tx. early this morning. So far, the Aggie fire dept. has recovered 300 bodies and they're
  still digging. Further developments will be posted.

• There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you." He then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground." Signed, "An Aggie." The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Aggie?!"

• Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?

        Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.

• Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station?

        It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.

• Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?

        Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.

• Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?

        Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.

• How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?

        He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

• Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

• An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what are you doing?"  The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!"  The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.

• An aggie sees his boss having trouble with the shredder.  The aggie helps out, by taking the boss's documents and shredding them.  The Boss says, "Oh! That's how works.  Now get me 500 copies made before my meeting today."

• Some Aggies decide to go ice fishing, so they grab their gear and get a saw for the ice. They go to the ice and start sawing a hole when the hear a resounding voice from above "There are no fish there." So, they move over to another spot and start sawing again. Again they hear the voice "There are no fish there." Again they moved and started sawing away. For a third time they hear the voice "There are no fish there."  In frustration they throw down their tools, look up and ask "Who is that?" To which the voice responds  "This is the manager of the Houston Galleria."

• An aggie engineering student was so relieved to get a summer internship he didn't care that he would be painting highway stripes for the DOT. The first day, he painted 10 miles of stripes. The foreman was impressed. His second day on the job, the aggie only painted two miles of stripes. Since he had done so well his first day, the foreman decided to excuse his lack-luster performance. The third day, the aggie only painted one mile worth of stripes. The foreman thought this was inexcusable and asked the aggie, "What's the deal? Your first day you did so well. The second day was not so good. Today, you did less work than I did."  The frustrated aggie replied, "I'm sorry boss, the bucket just keeps getting farther and farther away!"
  

• Did you hear about the Aggie who died at the drive in theater?

        He went to see "Closed for Season".

• One day, an aggie, a longhorn and cow were stranded on a desert island when they found a genie lamp. The genie said," Run over to the edge of the cliff and when you do, you will be transformed into that thing." The cow ran and yelled, "Bird" and he flew off. Then the longhorn jumps and says, "Plane" and flies off.  Then the aggie runs and trips over a rock and says ,"Oh Shit"

• What do you do if an aggie throws a grenade at you?

        Pull the pin and throw it back.

• An aggie, longhorn, and cow were hunting. Then the longhorn goes out and catches a huge deer. The other two go," How'd you do that?" He replied," I tracked, saw and caught." Then the cow does the same thing. When the aggie goes hunting, he comes back all bloody." What happened?" the other two said. The aggie replied," I tracked, saw and got hit by a train."

• A Rice Owl, a Longhorn, and an Aggie are running from the law and all three duck into a warehouse with the cops right on their trail.  Before the cops reach the warehouse, all three find a place to hide.  The cops walk in and come up to a crate.  They kick the crate and the Owl who’s inside goes, “Woof, Woof.”    The cops say it’s just a dog and move on to a crate, which the Longhorn is hiding in.  The cops kick the crate and the Longhorn goes, “Meow, Meow,” and the cops think that it’s only a cat.  Finally the cops come up to a sack that the Aggie is hiding in.  The cops kick the sack and the Aggie responds in a deep, slow voice, “Po-ta-toe”.

• The were three aggies huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled, "Yeah, 45! 45!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?"  One of the aggies speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years, and we did it in 45 days!" 

• Did you hear about the aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus?

        He burned his lip on the tailpipe

• How many aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

        One, but he gets 3 hours credit.

• Did you know that Adam was an aggie?

        He had to be because he was eating an apple while sitting next to a naked lady.

• Did you hear about the aggie who won a gold medal at the Olympics?

        He liked it so much that he decided to get it bronzed.

• Why did the aggie climb over the glass wall?

        He wanted to see what was on the other side.

• Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?

        He kept throwing out all the W&W's!

• What do they call a good looking girl on the A&M campus?

        A visitor.

• Why do Aggies like smart women?

        Opposites attract.

• Why do Aggies spend so much time on the internet?

        Because they get to RELOAD so often!

• Some Aggies were trying to scare the Longhorn football team before the game and threw firecrackers into the locker room windows. The Longhorns lit them and threw them back!

• How do Aggies practice safe sex?

        They get rid of all the animals that kick.

• A lucky Aggie won the Texas Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn't get it in one lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years. The Aggie erupted and said, "If that's the case, then give me my dollar back!"

• There was a group of Aggie science students that wanted to take a trip to the sun, but some UT students said that was impossible and that they would burn up along the way before they reached the sun. The Aggies replied, "We're going to travel at night!"

• Why don't Aggies eat M&M's

        They're too hard to peel.

• How do you know when an Aggie has been using your word processor?

        There's whiteout on the screen.

• This Aggie's girlfriend told him, "Kiss me where it's hot and stinky." So what did the Aggie do? He drove her to Beaumont

• A Longhorn and an Aggie are using the men's room. The Longhorn finishes and walks toward the door. The Aggie calls over his shoulder, "At Texas A&M, they teach us to wash our hands after we go to the bathroom." The Longhorn says, "At The University of Texas, they teach us not to go to the bathroom on our hands."

• What do Aggies think Cheerios are?

        Donut seeds.

• It's is a shame the way that Aggies are picked on. After all it was an Aggie engineer that invented the toilet seat.  Of course, a UT engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle. 

• What did the A&M graduate say to the UT graduate upon meeting?

        Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please.

• Did you hear about the Aggie that broke his leg raking leaves?

        He fell out of the tree.

• An Aggie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

• How do you keep a an Aggie busy?

        Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

• We must give Aggies some due credit. Dod you know that an aggie invented the toothbrush? Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as teethbrush!

• What's a fart?

        An Aggie love call.

• How do you know when an Aggie has sent you a fax?

        When there's a stamp on it.

• At the end of the night, the Aggie turns to his girlfriend and asks, "Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?" And she said, "Because I'm a prostitute."

• A fifteen year old girl and her mother are having a talk. The girl asks her mother, Mom, can you get pregnant from anal sex?  Her mothers reply was, Yes you can. Where do you think Aggies come from?

• An Aggie walks into a bar with some dog's mess in his hand. He turns to the the bartender and says, "Hey, I nearly stood in this!"

• What do you have if three Aggies are buried up to their necks in cement?

        Not enough cement.

• An aggie's wife gave birth to twins.  The aggie wanted to know who the other father was.

• Why can't Aggies field an ice-hockey team?

        Everyone drowns in spring training.

• Why did the Aggie buy 2 CB radios?

        So he could talk to himself.

• Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?

        They plant the eggs too deep.

• What do you call a female Aggie who takes birth control pills?

        A humanitarian.

• Why was the Aggie so mad when a thief mugged him and stole his books?

        Because he hadn't finished coloring one of them.

• Why are rectal thermometers banned in College Station?

        They cause too much brain damage.

• How can you tell you are in an Aggie dorm?

        You can see toilet paper hanging on the clothes line.

• Why did the Aggie's team airliner crash?

        It ran out of coal.

• An Aggie is walking down the street and a hooker approaches him. She says, "How about a blow job for 20 bucks?"

        The man replies, "No way! My wife does it for 10."

• Did you hear about the Aggie who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn't have electricity?

        He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.

• How many Aggie programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

        They can't, it's a hardware problem.

• One young Aggie was really afraid of catching aids. So he practiced abstinance AND wore a condum.

• An aggie walks into a mirror store and says, "I want a mirror." The clerk responded w/ "Do you want a hand mirror?" The aggie said "No. Why would I want to look at my hand!!"

• Why did the aggie stare at the orange juice?

        It said concentrate.

• 3 aggies went to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went home.

• Why is it good to have an aggie as a passenger?

        You can park in the handicap zone.

• An aggie went to the movies and saw the sign NC-17 (under 17 not amitted).  So he went home and got 16 friends.

• An aggie walked into Stupid People Annoynomous and they said "Sorry, No professinals."

• An aggie stops at a stop sign.  He's still there.

• What is an aggie bubble bath?

        Beans.

• Why do the combat boots at A&M say "T.G.I.F" on them?

        "Toes Go In First."

• How does an aggie take an shower?

        He pees against the wind.

• How do you make an one armed aggie fall out of a tree?

        Wave at him.

• How do you confuse an aggie?

        Put him in a circle room and tell him to pee in a corner.

• How do you keep an aggie in the shower?

        Give him a shampoo bottle that says lather, rinse, repeat.

• How many aggies does it take to take a shower?

        100, 1 to take the shower and 99 to spit.

• A ploice officer saw an Aggie driving down the road knitting, so he pulled up along side him and shouted, "pull over!" The Aggie replied, "No, scarf!"

• While an Aggie was filling out a job application he noticed that the employer wanted the full name of the college he was attending. He tried and tried but couldn't spell it out completley. After crossing out mistakes 5 times, he wrote, "Aw hell... I'm an Aggie."

• Did you hear about the Aggie who got killed while hunting? He bent down to examine some tracks and got hit by a train!

• An Aggie met a girl and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. The day after their wedding, the Aggie went to play golf. He told his wife that he hoped she didn't mind him coming home late; he was a golfer and he liked to play until dark. The wife replied that she was a hooker and she would be home late also.

• An Aggie goes to church and the pastor was talking to them about buying a chandelier for the church. The Aggie gets up and says "I don't think anybody could play it, if we got one. What we really need is more light in this place."

• An Aggie taveling to a new job didn't show up on the first day. His supervisor called and asked what happened? The Aggie replied, "I'm stuck in my motel room. There are only 3 doors in here, one is the closet, another is the bathroom, and the last one has a sign on it that says DO NOT DISTURB."

• A young Aggie was asked to check and see if the blinker was working on his friend's car. He looked and replied, "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No..."

• Did you hear about the Aggie who took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery.

• Did you hear about the latest Aggie invention: The solar powerd flashlight.

• Did you hear about the Aggie that asked the operator how to dial the hyphen.

• Did you hear about the Aggie football player who demanded a 50% discount from the chiropractor because he was a half-back?

• Did you hear about Texas A&M recalling all thermometers because traces of mercury were found in them?

• Why do the Aggies bring sandpaper to the desert ?

       They use it as a map.

• Derek has a half-brother, Gordon, who is about five years old. One Sunday after church, they were visiting with their pastor. The pastor asked the boy, "Gordon, when you grow up, do you want to go to Texas A&M like your brother?" Gordon answered, "No sir. I want to go to college."

• Two normal guys and an Aggie decide to go to the desert. They each bring one thing. The first guy brings water so they don't dehydrate. The second guy brings food so they don't starve to death.  The Aggie says, "I brought a car door so if it gets hot, I can just roll down the window!"

• Why do Aggies have doormats inside their homes?

        So they can wipe their feet before they go out.

• Why do Aggies always smile during lightning storms?

        They think their picture is being taken.

• An Aggie is walking down a creek.  While he's looking around he notices another Aggie walking along the other side of the creek.  He yells to the other  Aggie, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The other Aggie says, "You are on the other side!"

• Aggie Computer Virus: You have just received the "Aggie Virus." Since we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation,
  Texas A & M Computer Engineering Dept

Had enough???  More to come.  I'm always looking for good aggie jokes. Send me an

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