How to spot a Newbie:
                             Or, things you should never do on the paintball field  

    Hey, lighten up, this article is intended as a little light-hearted paintball humor.  For cryin' out loud don't actually take this seriously. 

        "GOD knows I CHERISH newbies. . .but. . . "

    Sling on paintgun

    Back-up gun in holster on hip

    Painttubes in cargo pockets

    The 'BRAATTTttt' death rattle of an empty tank on a semi-auto

    Alice gear   (Dressed like G.I.Joe or a Green Beret at age 12)

    Canteen    (Hey, how long we gonna be out there anyway?)

    Wearing anything white to a woods game  (I'de go naked first.)

    Silencer on paintgun

    Holding a Talon  ("Hey Ace, tell me that's your barrel plug.")

    All of his/her gear says Brass Eagle on it.

    Says he/she is low on paint then heads for the target range.

    Ammo box upside down, sideways, backwards, missing.

    Picks paintball up off ground.

    Paint is DRIPPING out of his/her gun in places besides the end of the barrel.   (I'm gonna be sick. . . )

    Wore nice clothes.

    Too much hat

    Wearing 2 layers of sweat clothes  (in July)

    Can't find 'X' item of gear (Mask, Gun, Paintballs)

    Complaining because the other team outnumbers them by exactly 1.

    Sticks gun out from behind cover with one hand and fires in a seemingly random direction.  (Giving you a nice shot of his/her gun)

    You have completely outflanked them and they still don't know it.  (On speedball field)

    You are shooting at them and they think you are on their team.

    His/Her actions suggest that they believe they can dig deep enough into the ground to keep from being hit.

    Hasn't moved for at least 5 minutes- and it's 'speedball'

    Loud in the staging area, out of sight on the field.
 
  

Things Newbies say:
                                  Proper response in gray. 

Hey, just kidding here too.

    "Does it hurt to get hit?"  "a lot."

    "My Gun doesn't work."  (middle of the game) Shoot him/her You'll feel better at least.

    "What kind of gun is that?"  "Autococker/automag."

    "Is it an Automatic?"   "(Grinning) Sorta. . ."

    "Is it better than mine?"  (Holding a field rental) "NO, I just like to spend lotsa money putting myself at a disadvantage."

     "I wanna be in the fort"  (The one with all the holes in it that no experienced player will go near because it is a deathtrap to be caught inside)
"Sure Kid, Knock yerself out."

    "We're gonna guard the flag."  "You guys have fun.  We're gonna go play."

   

         Here's some serious stuff though.  If you really want to get some use out of the humor above.  Help newbies out.  These players are the future of the sport.  If we keep em coming back guns will be cheaper, gear will be cheaper and eventually even paint prices may come down.  So paint's dripping out of his/her gun?   Squeegie the thing for 'em.  I give away paint almost every time I play to newbies who have run out.  Box someone in and let the newbie score the elimination- Or if he thinks he hit someone that you hit- say 'Nice Shot!'  These little things don't cost you much but they may just bring a new player into the game to stay.  That means more people for you to play with down the road.   Give them something good to hang onto during their first game and they will have the drive to return in the future.

Play Fair

scarecrow

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