If that title sounds rude, it’s really not, because MICROSOFT NEVER CALLS!  Say that again and commit it to memory.  Microsoft employs a total of zero people to call you out of the clear blue sky to talk about problems on your computer.

            If someone calls purporting to be from Microsoft, chances are they are going to speak with what we might call an off-shore accent.  When I say off-shore, I’m not talking about Okracoke, Currituck, or Manteo.  Rather, think Taj Mahal and Bengal tigers.  The person will tell you they’ve detected issues with your computer and would be happy to show you what they’ve found.  While there has been a lot in the news media about the technology companies being in cahoots with the NSA, the idea that somehow this remote person knows about your computer’s problems is, less face it, more than a bit farfetched.    

            If you did not hang up immediately after the person said “Hi, I’m from Microsoft’, then perhaps it’s been a slow day for you and you’re into the conversation for amusement purposes.  At this point, the person will ask permission to log into your computer in order to show you proof of a problematic computer.  Anybody out there think this is a good idea?  Probably not you.  Definitely not me!  But for the very casual computer user, this might have a glimmer of plausibility. 

            So let’s say you did a full backup of your computer just an hour before you got this call, and you’re recording all this for a segment on 20/20, so you allow the person in. He is going to show you a file on your computer which will list all the bad things that have ever come through the internet cable or struck at the heart of your machine.  There will be thousands of lines of so-called evidence that he will say proves your system is horribly deranged and ready to kill you in your sleep. It will remind you of those reality shows featuring exterminators who move the refrigerator in that dirty, damp corner only to reveal…ugh, let’s not go there.  Let’s just say that it will look like the Judgment Day reading for your computer and it won’t be pretty.

            Actually what he is showing you is something called an Eventvwr.msc file, which he has filtered for errors, warnings, and critical events.  Not to worry, it’s supposed to be ugly.  Ignore it. You can try telling him those are all from the cookie crumbs that fell into your keyboard.  He won’t believe you, but he will offer services to fix it.  The price is likely to be between $99 and $299 and, wouldn’t you just know it, he will accept a credit card.

If you’ve prepared a really clever and snappy witticism to drop on the caller, this would be a good time to throw it out there.  Or you could just unplug your Ethernet cable at this point and say no thanks and hang up quickly, hoping that he has not already deposited an unwelcome payload on your machine.

Most times, when I hear about this time of scam, it is from someone calling me to ask if the call they just got was legitimate.  They did not let the person into their machine, and no harm was done.  But the more diabolical version of this scam, which dates back to at least 2007, occurs when the person gains access.  In one situation I dealt with recently, the false Microsoft person turned on something called SysKey Encryption which interrupts the boot process to ask for a password that you will not know.  At that point, you are…..well, there are a lot of phrases in the vernacular, so choose your favorite.  Bottom line, you are locked out of your computer. In the case I recently dealt with, not only was the SysKey encryption put in place, but the evildoer also wiped out the System Restore points, which represent the easy way back to where you were before the phone call.  And to top it off, the mouse driver was removed.  Bad ‘Microsoft’ person, bad!

The story had a sort-of happy ending, as I was able to get the machine operable, but the victim of the scam was out the money for my service call, which though significantly less than the scam demand, was still an avoidable outflow. So maybe the ending was a little happier for me than for him.

So let’s review.  Microsoft will NOT call you.  And you don’t let anyone other than someone YOU called, someone you know and trust, connect to your computer.  Capisce?  (Just practicing - I’m taking an online Italian class.)