FUN STUFF

Issue No. 13
This page contains BRAIN TEASERS, some EDITORIAL COMMENTS, HUMOR, COMPUTER HINTS, HEALTH TIPS, WORDS OF WISDOM, JOKES (if I can find any suitable). If there is enough interest I will try to update every couple of weeks or years!  Let me know.

Starting out with a serious editorial on CHINA. Whether you know it or not China is buying all the raw materials it can get. They are building new manufacturing facilities and they have an abundance of cheap labor. They are making almost everything -- as good as we can or better and cheaper. They are a major threat to our economy. Here is my editorial.

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...
Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes , a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa;so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough..!

Franklin saying

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done

 

I'm my own Grandpa!

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
"The Proph"

From a very distant cousin who tries to keep a good sense of humor!

GENEALOGY QUIPS

Received this in my email the other day .... "Only in America"...

  1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries,and a diet coke.
  5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
  8. Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
  10. Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  11. Only in America.....can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Just for you!

No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees;
Inflation proof, non-taxable,
In fact, it's quite relaxable;
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
One size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
But yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress,
Invigorate your happiness;
Combats depression, makes you beam,
And elevates your self esteem!
Your circulation it corrects Without unpleasant side effects
It is, I think, the perfect drug: May I prescribe, my friend,...
the hug! (and, of course, fully returnable!)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

  1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  2. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  4. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 P.M. Please use the back door.
  5. Ushers will eat latecomers.
  6. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  7. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".
  8. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon whenJ. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  9. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "Its a Terrible Experience.
  10. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  12. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 P.M. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  13. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  14. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  15. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
  16. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
  17. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  18. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
  19. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. Please use the large double doors in the back.

    Not sure what you call this sort of thing but think Cajun !

    MR DUKS
    MR KNOTT
    OSMR
    CMWANGS
    LIB
    MR DUKS

    Give it some thought and look for answer at bottom of page.

    SMILE!!!!!

    She smiled at a sorrowful stranger,
    The smile seemed to make him feel better.
    He remembered past kindnesses of a friend
    And wrote him a thank you letter.
    The friend was so pleased with the thank you
    That he left a large tip after lunch.
    The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
    Bet the whole thing on a hunch.
    The next day she picked up her winnings,
    And gave part to a man on the street.
    The man on the street was grateful;
    For two days he'd had nothing to eat.
    After he finished his dinner,
    He left for his small dingy room.
    He didn't know at that moment
    that he might be facing his doom.
    On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
    And took him home to get warm.
    The puppy was very grateful
    To be in out of the storm.
    That night the house caught on fire.
    The puppy barked the alarm.
    He barked till he woke the whole household
    And saved everybody from harm.
    One of the boys that he rescued
    Grew up to be President.
    All this because of a simple smile
    That hadn't cost a cent.

    Here is another one that showed up on the net...

    .....You Know You're Taking Genealogy Too Seriously If.....