I'm calming down a bit now. I have been on a four-week tirade inside some genre of a psychotic fog. I think that I was politely having a nervous breakdown. I guess you could say I've had a few dry drunks. So instead of sitting around going slowly crazy, I picked myself up and said, "Girl! If you are going to have some fun, you're gonna have to go lookin' for it. It ain't gonna come knockin'." So fun I found!

I went to see married friends on Friday night. We stayed up late after we got back from their coffee shop. We talked about all kinds of things from the rewriting of marriage vows, to friends that had died, to old loves and new loves, Katrina victims, a lot of stuff. I got up the next day and after coffee and a little more visiting, I thanked them for the wonderful conversation that I always enjoy when we are together and made my way on down the road.

I went to Cabela's and did some shopping for my upcoming camping trip. I contacted the Red Cross and found that they had all the folks they needed for the weekend. I left my name and number with them nonetheless.

Afterwards, I went to the river to see another old friend. It was a friend that I had not seen in 6 or 7 years. The friend that I went to see on Saturday is a former 'Lickette' with Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks. This was a popular group in the 70's. She's also a former singer with "Asleep at the Wheel", (Western Swing at it's best!) She played some of her new album for me, called, 'Real Deal' that will be coming out in the Spring of 2006. It's truly wonderful, if you like old jazz and western swing. She's incredibly fortunate to have such extraordinary talents to accompany her.

She lives on the Colorado River and I now have a great private place to put-in my kayak. Yes, folks! Those of you who have read my blogs from the beginning will be happy for me. I will finally get to use my kayak for the 2nd time since I bought it over a month ago. I was a little off my rocker (or completely) when I purchased my kayak. It was right after a break up with a good friend and lover. I had envisioned this kayak as a necessary outlet to get over my break up. It would be a healthy way to circulate with new people and it wouldn't have to involve a man. I purchased this kayak thinking that I could handle anything. I could just visualize the weekends for the next few months (dreamland). I had it all planned out in my head. Then I tried to lift the 45 mother-effin' pounds of boat over my head to put it on the roof of my Jeep and realized, "this ain't happenin'". So, now I have the additional problem of building up my muscles, which I have been working on several times a week, to enable me in handling the son-of-a-beach. Impulsiveness at its finest!! - (as she shakes her head)

The thing that I am probably most proud of in this developing stage of my personal growth is that this trip did not revolve around my seeing any man! It was a trip just for me. Unbelievable! Glory Be.

It was very enjoyable and I would love to do it more, but now the gasoline will pose a new problem. Higher gasoline prices due to Katrina will limit my options for adventure.

So I've decided to focus on the good things in life and be grateful for the gift of each new day. My life will be as good as I choose for it to be. I have decided to give myself a break. If I don't, who will? So, today, I am happy just to be wherever I am.

I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings. Even if it's lousy, I'll be living it. Not a problem. 'This is nothing!' (As Dustin Hoffman says, in 'Wag the Dog') If it's fun, I'll be laughing along with the rest of the gang. If it's sad, I'll cry and not be ashamed. If it's challenging, I'll dig in and do my best. If it's busy, I'll be amazed at the energy that can be generated by a good attitude. If it's boring, I will be grateful for it, because that means I will have time to dream.

Deborah Leeson, 2005

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